DHs social ife - would this bother you?

[Greatfun]

DH goes out twice a week with friends who are on the most part single and childless. He gets very drunk, often culminating in waking me up. He has even got himself in some bad situations as a result, such as being mugged twice. We have been together for getting on for 20 years and have 2 pre school age DCs. He has always gone out alot and thinks he is doing me a great favour by reducing down to twice a week since the DCs were born . He says its stress relief for him. From my point of view, my primary concern is his health and the affect on our family. I think he is a very poor role model for the DCs (DS already asks if daddy is in the pub!). I also resent staying in alone twice a week including every single bloody friday night. I have tried talking to him about his health and suggesting taking up a sport for stress relief instead but its like talking to a brick wall. We fell out about all this recently after he got very badly drunk and I found him in a pool of vomit. He was very regretful and made all the right noises about change. But still it remains the same. Other than this we have a good relationship. I dont think he is disloyal and we are happy. I notice when I mention his habits to my SAHM friends I get lots of looks as if to say "my husband woudl never do such a thing". Would this bother you or do you think I am making too much out of it? Anyone been through similar and got any great words of comfort?

Would it bother me? Yes.

Missing two evenings out of seven with his children to go out getting drunk?

Wasting a lot of money?

Having to deal with the drunkeness/vomit?

But unfortunately, I have no idea what you would do about it because if he doesn't want to stop or doesn't see why he should have to, he wont ... without a fight.

The fact is that unless he things/wants to change nothing is going to change.

did he say he would change when the children came? Did you used to go with him before the childre?

My DH goes out probably twice a week and gets drunk. It doesn't boher me at all though.

I don't know why - it just doesn't. And to suggest that he take up some kind of sport instead would seem weird and controlling. He gets quite a lot of exercise anyway.

I guess some people don't want to 'grow up' in that regard. i'm a bit like that too though i suppose. Although i love staying in and having a girly night with my DD when he's out.

I find it strange when a lot of you say he is choosing the pub over his children. This isn't every night, it is twice a week. Don't any of you go out twice a week? If so, is putting a yoga class before your kids as bad, or a swim?

My dh goes to the pub twice a week and it doesn't bother me in the slightest, or the DD's. Admittedly he doesn't get drunk like the op says about her Dh, but I just don't get this attitude that you have to stay in every night just because you have children. What a life!

I don't think you can compare binge drinking twice a week, which takes over the whole night, is damaging to health and digs into any family time plus the Op's peace of mind, to taking a yoga class or going swimming. They are worlds apart.

I think that's true- it wouldn't worry me if he went out a couple of times a week for a couple of drinks with friends, especially if he was flexible and I had the same sort of opportunities. It's the getting twatted, and the apparent belief that this is 'necessary' to relax, implying that any other night of the week (with his wife and/or family) doesn't wind him down from work or whatever. That would upset me.

Plus I think your idea of a good night does change when you fall in love and/or have kids. I used to love a Saturday night having cocaine snorted off my naked body by footballers, but I kind of prefer a bottle of wine with DP while we watch Xfactor these days

"IIaregguBOO - My father was a classic alcoholic. As in he had to drink every day and couldnt stop and it pretty much ruined him. DH can go for days without drinking so does that mean he can still be an alcoholic? I always inagine an alcoholic is someone who goes around hiding bottles round the house and can't get through breakfast without a drink."

Two sayings (from AA, who are probably smarter than than your average bear when it comes to drink problems):

"If your drinking costs you more than money, THINK!"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

It really isn't about frequency or even quantity. it is about bad things happening and that not stopping you from doing it again.

Sandyballs - whe ni drank, I used to spend a lot of my non-drinking time in cafes. I still do.

I have never been barred from Caffe Nero, never started a fight in Starbucks, never blacked out because of too much espresso and never been left by a partner because I couldn't leave the latte alone.

It is not about going out. It is about coming home after going out and being in a state that is acceptable and useful to the people you are coming home to.

My daughter means the world to me. She is the most important thing in my life. And I have never drunk during her life (or for several years before.) But I already know that, if I were to start drinking again, she would instantly become second. Even looking after her would not stop me drinking. If necessary, I would take her to the pub or off licence with me or even "nip out" to the shop once she was asleep. I don't need to test this theory, any more than I need to put my hand in the fire to know it will hurt. It's just how I am when I drink. Again, no matter how badly i want a macchiato, the same does not hold true.

That's the difference, really. You are very lucky to have a husband who is not like me.

Even if we forget the health implications and the terrible example he's setting to his children, not to mention the absolute selfishness - it's the sheer waste of money that occurs when being out at the pub getting drunk!

I bet with the amount he pisses away every week, he could take you and the kids away on some fantastic holidays/days out etc. you know family things that the whole family will benefit from?

Anyone who doesn't put their own family first in life doesn't deserve one - he's a selfish idiot who should know far better at his age.
I'm rather shocked at the amount of people on here who think that going out and getting drunk is a. normal, or b. acceptable. It shouldn't be either of those things, especially when you have children.

loads of people husbands go out twicce a week, that in itself is not a problem. But if he drinking until he is lying in his own vomit then I think he ought to try and watch how much he drinks a bit...you know, as a na adult

There is nothing wrong with going out at once or indeed twice a week for a few drinks, as long as you make sure that your partner has the same amount of child-free, chore free time to do whatever s/he wants. The problem is not the going out drinking, it's the drinking so much you puke and pee everywhere and behave like an arse to your family and then write off most of the next day with a hangover.

An hour yoga class is not the same as going to the pub from work and then not coming home until the early hours of the morning. I don't know how you can compare the two.

People's opinions will differ.

If your partner goes out drinking twice a week and your happy with it ... that's the key. If you're not, then something needs to be done.

My husband couldn't afford to go out drinking twice a week, especially factoring in trains/taxi's/food etc. If you have that money to spare, that's fine.

But the OP asked people's opinions and they were mine.

I think SolidGhoul has really summed it up.

Now that my DH is sober, he actually goes out more than when he was drunk, as he did most of his drinking in the house.

The problem is clearly not the going out, but the heavy drinking when he's out. I presume, OP, that you would be just as irritated if he was drinking in the home to this level twice a week?

Hey MIFLAW - I always like your posts on this subject.

I think you need to calmly talk to him when he is not drunk or hungover, and explain how you feel. And then hope that he can understand why you want change.

And then if he won't change, you have to decide whether you are prepared to put up with this for the next 40 years - (which you may be able to do) or not.

I'm not saying leave him, I'm just saying that the choices you have when you are partner to someone with a drink problem are:

1. Put up with it.
2. Hope they change (they probably won't)
3. Hope they realise how crap it is, address it and go to AA
4. Leave them

But good luck - I know how horribly shit it is when you're at home, thinking "where the FUCK is he?" and hoping that tonight isn't the night that he gets glassed, or beaten up, or falls onto the train lines, etc etc