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Relationships

DHs social ife - would this bother you?

37 replies

Greatfun · 27/10/2009 23:00

DH goes out twice a week with friends who are on the most part single and childless. He gets very drunk, often culminating in waking me up. He has even got himself in some bad situations as a result, such as being mugged twice. We have been together for getting on for 20 years and have 2 pre school age DCs. He has always gone out alot and thinks he is doing me a great favour by reducing down to twice a week since the DCs were born . He says its stress relief for him. From my point of view, my primary concern is his health and the affect on our family. I think he is a very poor role model for the DCs (DS already asks if daddy is in the pub!). I also resent staying in alone twice a week including every single bloody friday night. I have tried talking to him about his health and suggesting taking up a sport for stress relief instead but its like talking to a brick wall. We fell out about all this recently after he got very badly drunk and I found him in a pool of vomit. He was very regretful and made all the right noises about change. But still it remains the same. Other than this we have a good relationship. I dont think he is disloyal and we are happy. I notice when I mention his habits to my SAHM friends I get lots of looks as if to say "my husband woudl never do such a thing". Would this bother you or do you think I am making too much out of it? Anyone been through similar and got any great words of comfort?

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Ozziegirly · 28/10/2009 23:11

I think SolidGhoul has really summed it up.

Now that my DH is sober, he actually goes out more than when he was drunk, as he did most of his drinking in the house.

The problem is clearly not the going out, but the heavy drinking when he's out. I presume, OP, that you would be just as irritated if he was drinking in the home to this level twice a week?

Hey MIFLAW - I always like your posts on this subject.

I think you need to calmly talk to him when he is not drunk or hungover, and explain how you feel. And then hope that he can understand why you want change.

And then if he won't change, you have to decide whether you are prepared to put up with this for the next 40 years - (which you may be able to do) or not.

I'm not saying leave him, I'm just saying that the choices you have when you are partner to someone with a drink problem are:

  1. Put up with it.
  2. Hope they change (they probably won't)
  3. Hope they realise how crap it is, address it and go to AA
  4. Leave them


But good luck - I know how horribly shit it is when you're at home, thinking "where the FUCK is he?" and hoping that tonight isn't the night that he gets glassed, or beaten up, or falls onto the train lines, etc etc
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ChocHobNob · 28/10/2009 21:48

An hour yoga class is not the same as going to the pub from work and then not coming home until the early hours of the morning. I don't know how you can compare the two.

People's opinions will differ.

If your partner goes out drinking twice a week and your happy with it ... that's the key. If you're not, then something needs to be done.

My husband couldn't afford to go out drinking twice a week, especially factoring in trains/taxi's/food etc. If you have that money to spare, that's fine.

But the OP asked people's opinions and they were mine.

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SolidGhoulBrass · 28/10/2009 17:26

There is nothing wrong with going out at once or indeed twice a week for a few drinks, as long as you make sure that your partner has the same amount of child-free, chore free time to do whatever s/he wants. The problem is not the going out drinking, it's the drinking so much you puke and pee everywhere and behave like an arse to your family and then write off most of the next day with a hangover.

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AngryFromManchester · 28/10/2009 14:20

loads of people husbands go out twicce a week, that in itself is not a problem. But if he drinking until he is lying in his own vomit then I think he ought to try and watch how much he drinks a bit...you know, as a na adult

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Malificence · 28/10/2009 14:17

Even if we forget the health implications and the terrible example he's setting to his children, not to mention the absolute selfishness - it's the sheer waste of money that occurs when being out at the pub getting drunk!

I bet with the amount he pisses away every week, he could take you and the kids away on some fantastic holidays/days out etc. you know family things that the whole family will benefit from?

Anyone who doesn't put their own family first in life doesn't deserve one - he's a selfish idiot who should know far better at his age.
I'm rather shocked at the amount of people on here who think that going out and getting drunk is a. normal, or b. acceptable. It shouldn't be either of those things, especially when you have children.

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MIFLAW · 28/10/2009 13:50

"IIaregguBOO - My father was a classic alcoholic. As in he had to drink every day and couldnt stop and it pretty much ruined him. DH can go for days without drinking so does that mean he can still be an alcoholic? I always inagine an alcoholic is someone who goes around hiding bottles round the house and can't get through breakfast without a drink."

Two sayings (from AA, who are probably smarter than than your average bear when it comes to drink problems):

"If your drinking costs you more than money, THINK!"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

It really isn't about frequency or even quantity. it is about bad things happening and that not stopping you from doing it again.

Sandyballs - whe ni drank, I used to spend a lot of my non-drinking time in cafes. I still do.

I have never been barred from Caffe Nero, never started a fight in Starbucks, never blacked out because of too much espresso and never been left by a partner because I couldn't leave the latte alone.

It is not about going out. It is about coming home after going out and being in a state that is acceptable and useful to the people you are coming home to.

My daughter means the world to me. She is the most important thing in my life. And I have never drunk during her life (or for several years before.) But I already know that, if I were to start drinking again, she would instantly become second. Even looking after her would not stop me drinking. If necessary, I would take her to the pub or off licence with me or even "nip out" to the shop once she was asleep. I don't need to test this theory, any more than I need to put my hand in the fire to know it will hurt. It's just how I am when I drink. Again, no matter how badly i want a macchiato, the same does not hold true.

That's the difference, really. You are very lucky to have a husband who is not like me.

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BiteOfCock · 28/10/2009 13:44

I think that's true- it wouldn't worry me if he went out a couple of times a week for a couple of drinks with friends, especially if he was flexible and I had the same sort of opportunities. It's the getting twatted, and the apparent belief that this is 'necessary' to relax, implying that any other night of the week (with his wife and/or family) doesn't wind him down from work or whatever. That would upset me.

Plus I think your idea of a good night does change when you fall in love and/or have kids. I used to love a Saturday night having cocaine snorted off my naked body by footballers, but I kind of prefer a bottle of wine with DP while we watch Xfactor these days

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cathcat · 28/10/2009 13:20

I don't think you can compare binge drinking twice a week, which takes over the whole night, is damaging to health and digs into any family time plus the Op's peace of mind, to taking a yoga class or going swimming. They are worlds apart.

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sandyballs · 28/10/2009 13:15

I find it strange when a lot of you say he is choosing the pub over his children. This isn't every night, it is twice a week. Don't any of you go out twice a week? If so, is putting a yoga class before your kids as bad, or a swim?

My dh goes to the pub twice a week and it doesn't bother me in the slightest, or the DD's. Admittedly he doesn't get drunk like the op says about her Dh, but I just don't get this attitude that you have to stay in every night just because you have children. What a life!

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DrunkenDaisy · 28/10/2009 11:50

My DH goes out probably twice a week and gets drunk. It doesn't boher me at all though.

I don't know why - it just doesn't. And to suggest that he take up some kind of sport instead would seem weird and controlling. He gets quite a lot of exercise anyway.

I guess some people don't want to 'grow up' in that regard. i'm a bit like that too though i suppose. Although i love staying in and having a girly night with my DD when he's out.

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LoveBeingAMummy · 28/10/2009 10:15

The fact is that unless he things/wants to change nothing is going to change.

did he say he would change when the children came? Did you used to go with him before the childre?

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ChocHobNob · 28/10/2009 10:13

Would it bother me? Yes.

Missing two evenings out of seven with his children to go out getting drunk?

Wasting a lot of money?

Having to deal with the drunkeness/vomit?

But unfortunately, I have no idea what you would do about it because if he doesn't want to stop or doesn't see why he should have to, he wont ... without a fight.

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thedollshouse · 28/10/2009 10:07

I think you can be an alcoholic without needing to drink every day.

My step father was an alcoholic and yet he would go months without having a drink, it was all or nothing for him. He never drank in the house either. He could never go to the pub and have one pint or one glass of wine it always had to be a binge. He was mugged a few times as well.

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Anniegetyourgun · 28/10/2009 10:05

You'd surely have a bit more to spend on babysitters if he didn't splash out quite so much on booze and cabs home.

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BiteOfCock · 28/10/2009 09:57

I didn't mean to imply there was something wrong with your family! But if his idea of relaxation is to get wasted away from you with his mates, I do thing he needs to look at reframing his idea of what is fun. If he wasn't out getting trashed, I'm sure there would be some money for a sitter so the two of you could have have a nice evening together regularly.

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Greatfun · 28/10/2009 08:10

Thanks for the comments. Re: going out together. We do go out but only occassionally as we have to pay for a baby sitter. I don't think he sees his family life as something to take refuge from (not sure how you came to that conclusion!) as he's only out twice a week. Like someone else says he sees it as his entitlement to go out and get wasted twice a week. Although to be fair last night he wasn't too bad at all. He said he had wanted to leave at 9.30 but felt he couldnt due to one of his friends wanting him to stay - what is he 12?

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cathcat · 28/10/2009 01:18

He binge drinks at least twice a week. To me he does have an alcohol problem.
Try to keep talking to him. I got my DH to see a doctor and he admitted later that he was glad because he knew there was a problem. However he has to realise this for himself ~ you will have a tough time if he cannot see/denies the problem.

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wannaBe · 28/10/2009 01:17

one of the most common misconceptions about alcoholism is that alcoholics need to drink every day and hide bottles around the house etc. That's not true.

Anyone who needs to go out twice a week and get so drunk that he gets into trouble has a drink problem. The problem being that he cannot moderate his drinking and thus he is an alcoholic IMO.

He doesn't stop because he doesn't see that he has a problem. But in reality he doesn't stop because he can't.

Could he go out and drink just coke? Or not go out at all?

Therein lies the key - if he cannot not drink then he has a dependency on alcohol.

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Ozziegirly · 28/10/2009 01:11

I have an alcoholic DH (now sober) as well, and I would say your DH would certainly seem to be a problem drinker, for the reasons llaregg highlighted above.

Even if he isn't (and I don't think it is necessary to issue labels at this stage), his going out and getting drunk is clearly affecting the family.

When you're in together, what kind of things do you do? Do you slump on the sofa and watch TV silently and then go to bed?

I agree with BiteofCock re making family life and evenings enjoyable. How about going out for a walk in the evening, or getting out a DVD, reading, listening to music, exercise, board games, box set of a shared tv series you enjoy - whatever things you like doing really.

If you can sit with him calmly and say that of course you don't mind him going out, but you worry about him when he gets so drunk that he puts himself in danger, and can he really try his hardest not to drink to that level.

Of course, if he is an alcoholic, he will agree with you, change for a couple of weeks and then go right back to it, as he will be unable to stop.

But let's hope he isn't, and actually has just got into a habit that he can change.

Good luck - and if he is an alcoholic, don't panic! DH and I are now both drink free and have never had such a full and interesting life.

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BiteOfCock · 28/10/2009 00:41

He doesn't sound alcoholic to me. But rather than "nagging" him into taking up sport to unwind, can't you ask him to take you out on a Friday night, so you are unwinding together? Try having some fun together so he gets to see his family as an enriching thing rather than something to take refuge from?

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mrsmike · 28/10/2009 00:28

Greatfun, my ex sounds like your dh. He drank for stress relief, escape, because he liked it, because he was bored - all those reasons and probably lots more too. I wouldn't have called him an alcoholic but it meant me and our 2 small children were always second place and I became resentful and couldn't trust him. We had lots of discussions along the lines of "this can't go on/must improve things" etc, and he did agree to going out only twice a week, but it never worked out and in the end we split after many years of unhappiness. Not suggesting this is what might happen to you, just that I know what a damaging effect it has. Like others have said, change has to come from him, or unfortunately you just learn to put up with it and have low expectations. Good luck

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Tortington · 28/10/2009 00:01

my dh drinks one a week and gets totally shitfaced - there is no social drinking without being shitfaced for him. its every week - he thinks it's an entitlement. he doesn't see it as a problem becuase he used to be drunk sat night too when the kids were little so i think he sees it as a change for 'me'. he wouldn;t countenance not drinking on a friday night.

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mrsboogie · 27/10/2009 23:42

He will need to understand that the fact that he drinks like his mates do doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem - it means they probably have a problem too.

He is choosing the pub over his kids - if you weren't "nagging" him he would probably be doing it a lot more often...

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llaregguBOO · 27/10/2009 23:26

My DH isn't your classic alcoholic. I think he realised what was happening to him fairly early on in the cycle. It is a progressive illness so if he had carried on drinking like he did then he would have become very ill indeed.

He gave up drinking quite easily so decided he didn't have a problem at all so started again. He very quickly got very bad and started hiding his drinking and doing it all day.

I really don't know if your DH is the same. He sounds like he has a real problem and since my DH started going to AA I've come to recognise that lots of people I know have issues with alcohol. My brother and his friends, for example, drink like your DH but they don't think they have a problem; they think their drinking is normal because they all do it. It is only when you stop drinking and move out of that sort of culture do you realise quite how abnormal that way of life is.

I'm sorry that you feel sad and I hope that I am wrong. Do have a look at the AA site, it might help to read a bit more about it.

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Greatfun · 27/10/2009 23:24

Thanks IIaregguBOO - Cross posted again. Thats very helpful. I might go and look up definitions of problem drinking on line so I cna try and get him to face it.

SCC (like the name ) - You've hit the nail on the head. Its not the going out that bothers me it's the excessive drinking. He simply cannot be the first to leave the pub/party. I have lost count of the number of times that he has come home ridiculously late and had to spend £50 on a cab because he missed the last train. He always tries to make me feel like a party pooper and nag. Its now 23.23 and there is still no sign of him. He will roll in drunk any time soon and then have to go to work tomorrow. He hasn'#t seen the DCs as he chose the pub over them. I have tried saying this to him but he just ignores him. Its so difficult because I think the majority of his friends have the same problem.

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