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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So. I told him I wanted a divorce today.

53 replies

abrandnewstart · 27/10/2009 16:48

Tell me I am doing the right thing

Ten months post seperation.

Have tried to talk and ask where it's going.

I've told him I'm not going through all this again, just to be hurt and find out theres someone else (he assures me he's not). I've told him that I'm not spending anymore time doing this - he either wants to get back together or not, not stay in this separated limbo.

He goes on about how miserable he was, how he thinks being separated is for the best, how he needs his time (we've had 3 years of this, been married for 8, all the while I'm bringing up our child, and he's been off doing all his courses and hobbies, out with his mates and leaving me to be responsible).

So I ask him if he's happy and he says no. So I ask him what he's going to do about it, he says nothing.

So I tell him I want a divorce. He looks shocked and upset. He acts like he can't believe it?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?

I can't go through it anymore I feel so awful. tell me I'm doing the right thing.

I was made to feel like it was all my fault (it wasn't) that I made him miserable, my beliefs mad him miserable, he'd missed out on life, he didn't do all he wanted to do blah blah blah.

Help my head is a mess! Give me strength! Is it me or is it strange?

He makes me feel so confused! He is not a horrible guy, but a very very mixed up one and I cant go through it anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 15:33

Thanks for your messages, I did what you said and have not text him today, went out with LO instead.

I've been with him for 11 years so it is very strange.

But I also know that I cannot accept the way he treated me, because he was a selfish idiot!

I find it very upsetting to think that he never really did appreciate me properly and even though he admits he didn't treat me well when baby was little, it's not an abject sincere apology

What am I expecting though!!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2009 16:02

It makes absolutely no sense that he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't live with you, he claims you make him miserable; what on earth is he staying for? Mixed up indeed.

I would strongly recommend you get yourself a good divorce/family law solicitor and go for it. That doesn't mean you have to see it through to the bitter end if he does shape up at any point, though from what you say it seems unlikely. But it is just not fair or right that you should wait in limbo, theoretically forever, while he faffs about wondering what he wants out of life. If anything is going to force him to think carefully about the future, a formal divorce request via a solicitor is surely that thing.

By the way I'd be dead surprised if there isn't another woman in the story somewhere, even if not a very significant one, however honest he looks when he swears there isn't; but does it really matter? The important thing is he isn't with you.

ps I really wonder where he dredged that counsellor up from. What a strange sounding fellow. I wonder how many other couples he's given totally unhelpful advice to.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 16:14

Thanks, do you have any idea how I instruct one or get legal aid, or what I need to do?

The counsellor was terrible, as he was saying all this to me (in the session) I remember feeling very annoyed and thinking why am I listening to all this crap about his life and what happened to him? No wonder H likes him, because the counsellor is doing/done all the stuff H wants to do - well that's up to him and his wife. There is no way I'd be up for him off travelling and leaving me at home for weeks at a time, especially if he didn't respect me in the first place!

I do wonder if there is someone else, I have been snooping around but can't find anything. I have past trust issues with him though, so I am not sure and have told him I don't believe him!

OP posts:
dittany · 29/10/2009 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2009 16:41

Well I started with a look through the Yellow Pages! Also googling family solicitors in your area is good. Pick out about four that you like the look of, ring them and check whether they do legal aid and whether the initial consultation is free or at least reasonably priced. These links may also help (if I fail to link them properly perhaps you can cut and paste them into your browser):

www.resolution.org.uk/

www.contactlaw.co.uk/family/

Once you've got a shortlist of solicitors doing the right thing at the right price, decide which one YOU can work with. For example, any that didn't bother to return my call within 24 hours was automatically off the list! Word of mouth from friends/neighbours can be helpful but not always reliable (XH used the one his brother recommended, but ended up complaining to the Law Society about him, although I'm not sure how much was due to the solicitor not being very good and how much due to XH having left his brain on Planet Zog).

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 16:50

I wonder dittany if he's telling the truth. He swears so ernestly that theres not, that nothing AT ALL has happened, but lets face it, he's a guy, he's acting like he's single, he's got his own place. He's been single for 10 months. Really think something would have happened.

He lives nearby, sees DD about 3/4 times a week, was fairly relaxed until I snapped the other day and couldn't take all this mucking about. He was pretty much used to talking to me most days (and me encouraging it, really) and the separation was never really that firm, cos sometimes we'd meet for coffee, stay for a cuppa etc.

(Now I read that and see that it was all pretty much how he wanted it)

I think I need, as one of the other posters mentioned earlier, to get the wheels in motion, even if by some miracle he shapes up and I think I would like to work at it again?!?!. It bloody hurts though as it seems so against me to be this tough! I've got to show him that I want respect and by sitting back and letting him walk all over me, I'm not going to get it. (I know I sound so tough about it now, but I do go back and doubt how I feel, but I know if I don't do anything its going to be me who ends worse off)

I just can't believe he acts like it's none of my business what he's up to, and yet gets arsey when I say I won't put up with it and he looks shocked?! Whats that all about?

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 16:51

annie thanks for the details, I'll have a look now.

OP posts:
dittany · 29/10/2009 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 17:07

THanks Dittany, I will try.

I don't understand though, and sorry to be harping on about this, is why I feel so bad for him and can see he's so mucked up? Am I just making excuses, really?

And why does he say that he cares enormously about how I feel, and gets upset when I'm upset, and will come and take LO when I'm really under the weather or suffering badly from depression? And acts all worried?

Whats that about?

No, I'm really upset at how I was treated when DD was little. How he left me to go out with his mates till 5am, or how I felt so left out. Or how he'd tell me "no one tells me what to do" when I'd try and tell him that I really didn't want him to do something......(and I'm quite reasonable!)

OP posts:
dittany · 29/10/2009 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 18:55

Blimey that's quite scary seeing that - he's definately passive agressive. It's almost like he cannot see he is doing it though? But there is where HE needs to seek help. I can't help him work that one out.

I guess I feel so bad because I want to help him. He wasn't always like this and we did have some great times together and it felt like nothing would ever part us. We definately had about 5 really great years (or so I thought!) And now its happening to us. I'm living in the past a bit I think. And that's what makes me sad.

OP posts:
posieparksherbroom · 29/10/2009 18:56

Do it, get divorced and find someone who really wants to be with you.

dittany · 29/10/2009 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 29/10/2009 20:35

I think they went the way he wanted them to go - in that I mean he reckons he was forced to please everyone else and sacrifice his happiness - but for someone who thought that, he seemed very happy?!?

He ignores his feelings and the feelings of others in order for him to get what he wants. He gets bored, he moves on. He cuts himself off.

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 08:36

So he now tells me isn't it all a bit final?

But when the same issues come up, he just thinks we'd get back together and be miserable? What the.....??!! I don't want that.

I told him that I don't want to be miserable but whatever HIS issues are HE has to sort them out. I'm not denying there were problems, but to have an attitude of "if we get back together I'll still be miserable" is not really my fault? Is it?!

He's long enough made me feel like it's my fault, not by words, but by the way he's acted. I've told him to sort himself out, confront whatever is going on in his head and I'm still doing what I need to do.

It mucks me around these conversations, so HE is not sure, but what is he going to do about it?! Why should I go, "I'll take you back and make sure everything is perfect"..

Hmm.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 02/11/2009 09:15

You're right. The issues are inside his head, where with the best will in the world you can't go. You know you can't make everything perfect because this is real life, which can be very good indeed but will never be "perfect". Maybe he does just want you to break down and sob and promise him the world. It still won't make life better for either of you but it'll make him feel a bit more important, bless his mixed up cotton socks.

GooseyLoosey · 02/11/2009 09:27

It is final yes, but that is because being in the limbo he has had you in for the last 3 years is no longer acceptable. You need a stable emmotional basis for your own life and that of your child and he has made it quite clear that he cannot/will not provide that.

Finality/certainty is what is required. No one can be expected to "just hold one" for ever.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 10:40

And he looks so sad and dejected.

And then when I said you'll have to accept me the way I am (after trying to please him and listen to his comments as if it was all his fault, but now he's saying he wasn't impying that it was my fault at all...) he still thinks that means a life of doom and gloom because I won't do all the things he wants me to do?!

I can't help him, can I.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 02/11/2009 10:59

Oh for heaven's sake. The man wants his cake and eat it. Go back and read this thread from beginning to end again.

Draw a line. A thick black line. Go and see a solicitor, start living your own life without reference to him. He wants to do what he wants to do - so let him. On his own.

MmeGuisingt · 02/11/2009 11:07

He is not taking responsibility for his own life. He is making you feel that you are the one responsible for his happiness (or unhappiness at present).

You are not responsible.

He has had enough time to grow up and start to treat you and your LO as you deserve to be treated.

Now you are taking the step to get him out of your life, and reclaim your life for yourself and your LO and he does not like it.

He wants you at his beck and call.

Don't play his game. Get yourself a solicitor and find out where you stand legally. Take action, don't take his shit anymore.

Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 11:28

I'm going to look them up today.

I've had enough.

Unless he grows up and picks himself up and sorts himself out, I've had enough.

I've really got to the point where emotionally, I'm drained.

I've got stuff to do and I can't even do it!

I was awake the other night and could feel the panic rising in my chest. Its not a great way to feel!

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 16:24

I'm on the phone to the solicitor's helpline now

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 16:28

I feel so sad now.

OP posts:
Original poster
abrandnewstart · 02/11/2009 17:27

i feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, but i guess it wasn't me who forced this - he could always sort himself out if HE wanted to.

OP posts:
MmeGuisingt · 03/11/2009 10:01

How did you get on with the solicitor?

You are doing the right thing, even if it is hard. He could have prevented this by growing up and taking responsibility.