has anyone got experience of being with/married to someone with a Type A personality?

[cruisemum1]

I think my dh fits this description. He has two jobs both of which demand a fair bit of his time but no more than many other Dad's I know. He gets completely and utterly stressed with minor irritations, which are part of family life, to the point of physically shaking and funing. He is not relaxing to be with. He drinks way too much way too often (2 bottles of wine per night)and then behaves like some crude little schoolboy making sexual comments and inuendos in fromt of our 11 yo dd . He can be morose, starts the day saying he wishes he was dead etc. I am afraid I have lost sympathy over teh years having witnessed some horrific displays of temper and depression. I cannot carry on like this but am too afraid to address the situatin because last time i did he trashed several of our kitchen jars/vases. He has been an absolute monster to live with over the years but I cannot put everything in the op. Can anyone offer anyhelp/support/ I am at the end of my tether and sadly sleep evades me when I need it most

(crossed posts with you IB - I know there is something in it regarding heart disease so I don't mean to be insensitive to that, I just don't think it applies in this context )

I can only echo what other posters have said. Do you want your DD thinking this is normal and the pattern repeating itself? The best thing you can do for your children is get away and offer them the stability which they (and you) need.

"He can be morose, starts the day saying he wishes he was dead etc. I am afraid I have lost sympathy over teh years having witnessed some horrific displays of temper and depression."

this was my EXP. still is! but at least we do not have to live with it...

you HAVE to get out -- you dont want to put your daughter thru a separation?? jeez - what are you putting her thru now by NOT leaving.

leaving was the best thing i did for all of us but especially for the dcs.

it isnt over yet.....we going thru court, he is still angry/unwell alternating depression and abusive agressive behaviour - but is at arms length....

if you married and he has money then get a good lawyer who can sort out financial separation in court.

but get the h33ll out of there for the sake of the children.

this man needs help - whatever his personality - but only he can seek that help.

you are NOT responsible for his behaviour but you ARe responsible to yourself and to your dcs - to change your behaviour and your reponses to this situation. . stop taking it, stop walking on eggshells and get out of there. start a new life.

if you need to persuade yourself please read lundy bancroft why does he do that insides the minds of angry and controlling men .

you r all right. I know it but it is scary and daunting. doing dinner now, will be back later . thankn you all for clarifying things for me.

cruise, it is scary and daunting but you need to break it down into manageable chunks ie a place to live (or would your DH move out?), sort out finances, perhaps confide in a RL friend you can trust for support, etc etc.

It can be done and you and your DD both deserve so much better than what you are settling for at the moment.

Cruisemum - I think the message is loud and clear and you can see that people are only thinking of you and your children. Just a thing about your daughter saying she loves her dad and doesn't want you to separate. As others have said, children in this situation often say this as they are in turmoil and are afraid of the unknown. They are sometimes scared that it is all their fault and if they say they want the parents to split up, they might be blamed. It is all so confusing and you can't just take what your daughter says at face value. Children must not be put in a position where they think they have to make the decision - this isn't fair - the decision must be made for them. Your daughter is also I am sure picking up that you are emotionally very fragile and is trying to protect you and maybe senses that you haven't the emotional strength to get out of this abusive relationship.

I am so sorry you are feeling so dreadful but I really hope you willfind the strength to leave this man. Do you have any friends/relatives in RL who could help. If not, as someone says you need to break this dowen into "bitesize chunks"

1. Consult a lawyer about your legal rights in terms of property, maintenance etc.

1. Can you move out to relatives/friends as it will be easier to negotiate with your H if you are not in the house with him . I sense you are afraid of him and need to be away from him before telling him that you are leaving him.

1. Start divorce proceedings

I know it all sounds scarey but it HAS to be for the best. Your daughter is being emotionally harmed in her present situation and this wil affect her throughout her life. You are a GOOD mum - you need to protect your children, and YOU.

nananina - and all of you, Thank you for your words and thoughts. I will sort things out. I suppose what happens is you put all teh bad to one side and look for the good - for an easy life. Then you convince yourself that it is not as bad as all that and fool yourself. I am doing it now as things are calm. My dd does not know the half of it and I am strong in front of her and my ds it would all appear fine outwardly. I will sort it. Thanks again

Is 'Type A personality' a euphemism for 'twat'?

cruise, in between his rages, my dad could be extremely nice. But the 'bad' times caused SO much damage, they are not worth enduring for the seemingly 'better' or 'ok' times in between.

Please promise you will start the ball rolling to get yourself out of this relationship? Do you have a friend/relative in RL you can confide in and trust and who would help you? Am sure it would feel less scary and daunting if you felt you had some RL support. Good Luck.

cruise, whereabouts roughly are you? If I am anywhere nearby I will try and do what I can to help you.

The Type A and Type B personality theory is pretty much obsolete, and not taken seriously any more.

The type A association with heart disease is bogus; an individual can show all the traits of Type A but it's the anger that causes the heart problems. (or so said the essay I wrote on it for Uni...)

Your DH sounds like an abject fucknut. Get the hell out before your kids start thinking this is what a real man looks like.

wanttostartafresh, cruise's profile says she's in Croydon.

I have woken to dh's negativity again. Wht a dull day. Thank heavens for my fantastic family who ar. e coming to visit today And to all of you for bringing clarity to my day

Can you tell your family what you are going through, can they help you escape this?

My family know already and have seen how he behaves. His family are aware in part too. this is very difficult. My friends know too and everyone says the same thing - but it is hard

Oh cruisemum - my sense is that you are just not ready to take action at the present time even though you more than half know this would be for the best. I think that it is not unusual to feel like this when living in this kind of abusive situation. Your self esteem must be at rock bottom and you are clearly wondering about how you will manage etc etc. to say nothing of uprooting your children.

You clearly have support in RL and all are giving you the same message. Maybe you don't know what is preventing you taking action and this too is understandable. I think for a long time you have (as you say) been deluding yourself about just how bad this relationship is for you and your children. This can be quite addictive and over time it does prevent some women from taking action. Maybe your H sort of knows this and it allows him to carry on as he is, knowing that you will put up with it all.

Could you maybe get some support for yourself (via a good counsellor or psychotherapist) to try to find out what might be holding you back from getting out of this r/ship and looking at ways of supporting yourself and the children through this.

I know everyone is only thinking of you and the children and urging you to leave but somehow I don't think it is "reaching" you at this particular stage in your life. I think it was VERY telling that your original post was about "Type A personality" to describe a really abusive man - if ever there was a euphamism that is one! Maybe that would be a good starting point for you to discuss with a counsellor.

I really do hope things will sort out for you, one way or another.

onthing i found helpful was being told : "abusers do not abuse 24/7"

a violent man does not beat his wife every hour of the day.... an emotionally abusive man also lays on the charm....

and being aware of the cycle of abuse -

of course there are good times - consciously or not - it is how they work...

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

thank you all
Nananini- you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your support.

Like you, I have had to deal with an H who drinks to excess, emotional abuse, kids being mistreated and torn with their loyalties.... and I completely know how hard it is to break the family unit, trusting yourself that its for the best.... I also know that however much your family/friends encourage you to get out - its unbelievably hard.

But your day will come when you are ready and in the meantime, just make preparations. Go and see CAB or call Womens aid, if you know a good solicitor ask for a free first consultation. Get the advice/knowledge that you need to make you understand that you and your children will be ok........and when you understand that, your day will come where you just tell him take a hike! I think you'll be surprised at how much support is out there, I know I was.

Don't let your kids think that this is how relationships/marriage should be, that its ok for a man to treat a women like this, they will subconsciously follow suit in years to come. Just as I'm having to do the same so that my DS's don't grow up treating women as I am treated. We owe it to them and one day they will understand and thank us - but right now they are too young to do so and we have to take that responsibility.

I know its hard hon, but talk to someone who can guide you... you will get there I am sure.

take care, stay safe x

Nobody should have to be scared of their partner or of their parent, cruisemum. It is hard to get your head around leaving. I echo the advice to get in touch with Women's Aid. They won't force you to leave if you don't feel ready. They have Outreach officers who can talk things through with you. It's hard, but you can do this.

While we were engaged, my exH described himself to me as Type A. Over the years, I realised he actually had narcissistic personality disorder, with borderline tendencies. And that he would never recognise his problem or deal with it.

TheworldsgoneDMad, you are so right about this kind of 'type' nonsense is just an excuse for bad behaviour, mostly a sneaky mischaracterisation of the real problem. A jerk is a jerk is a jerk.

Cruisemum - doesn't violet101 give good advice. Maybe if nothing else you can start to do this preliminary work and you never know where it will end up and as violet says "your time may well come" even if that isn't at this precise point in time.

Whatever you do, please try to get some support for yourself and take good care of you and your children.

Please follow my thread if I can help anyone then this will be it xxxxx

Hi there, just wanted to say that my 2 dds go to a private school and my ex-husband still has to pay the fees - it was one of the conditions of our divorce settlement.

I would suggest your daughter is fearful of you separating just because the world seems like a scary and unpredictable place to her...because she is living in an unhappy home with an angry and volatile man who does not show love or affection to his kids or their mother.

I'm so sorry - it sounds awful for all of you.

The children are just clinging to any piece of flotsam they can lay their hands on, not knowing that there can be a better life for them where their feet can rest solidly on terra firma. They have got very well used to the choppy seas of home life, and their reaction is to be expected. Children do not feel secure when their father behaves as theirs does, and fearfulness is one of their primary moods. They try to survive, emotionally, 'in the moment' and do not have the emotional skill of looking forward to the future with confidence and optimism. They worry about the ability of all the adults in their lives to provide security for them. If you can get them away, the resulting sense of security would be a great gift to them.