My EA/NPD Experience

[violet101]

I have read and re-read posts on here - and it is because of here that I've realised that my H has an NPD too.

We met in our mid 30s 12 years ago. I had a good job requiring me to travel worldwide, I had my own flat, car - life was sweet - but maybe a little lonely. Along came my neighbour - great fun, very helpful, I soon realised he was "complicated" but thought as long as the good times outweighed the bad... thought I could handle it...and anyway my 'clock' was ticking!

In 2000 we had our daughter. Through negligence she was brain damaged at birth so I gave up work to become a full time carer which I did until she died in 2002. This obviously put a huge strain on our relationship and we agreed, he'd manage the mortgage and bills, I'd take care of our daughter and our legal case. I put any of his behavour down to our stress, grief etc. They were very dark times for us.

I did however, have DS1 and was pregnant with DS2 when our daughter finally gave up her battle. 4 days after her death I was told "You have to get over this for the sake of our kids" and we've barely discussed her together since.

For all the wrong reasons, we moved overseas to 'start a new life'. His idea, that I was happy to go along with as I'd lived overseas as a kid so am not overly rooted to anywhere in particular anyway. Of course I set myself up - my support network was gone, H would continue to work (also travelling alot) and had the beauty of coming back to a beautiful rustic farmhouse, wife, kids ... on paper we looked great.

But behind the scenes it was a different story. I was grieving, he was drinking, rows were rife, but I was isolated, trying to manage our cottage rental business, renovations, 2 preschool children, I was a cleaner and had my own small business. But apparently I was lazy, needed to bring in more money, and useless at dealing with the local bureacracy even tho I managed to buy the home, set up the business, manage it, get the kids into preschool, all in a foreign language. But I did make the odd blunder and was not allowed to forget it. H weirdly favoured DS1 over DS2 - and it hurt. People didn't believe it was favouritism because in public he was the perfect Dad/H... inside I'd be cringing. I came back to UK one weekend, leaving the kids with him. One was at preschool, the other with him... and as the builder left our house, he knocked DS2 over in his van, breaking his hip and alot of internal bruising. H just had not kept an eye on this toddler that in his own words he found 'irritating' - I got the call just as I was boarding the plane home.

Nothing I could have said would have made H feel worse than he did, but I was so angry with him... because I could understand how it happened. I didn't want/dare to say it to his face, so I vented my frustrations on emails to friends, which he read. Then he downloaded spy software to see what I was writing when I changed my password.

His main gripe with me was because I hadn't been supportive enough - of him. he had no regard for my feelings at all. He started doing strange things like hiding my credit card then miraculously finding it somewhere where I'd have never looked... things would often go wrong when he went away, but he could 'mend' them on his return - to be the hero - to remind me that I couldn't do without him. And I did, feel beholden. He'd once intimated that hed 'been' with someone else but then said he'd only said it to hurt me when I started pushing the point..

After 2 years we returned to UK. I told him unless he cut down the drinking and saw a GP, I'd leave. He did, went on AD's, was referred to a CPN but never went, then came off the AD's. And so my life got worse again.

Over the years he has gone to bed leaving the kids in pitch darkness infront of the TV (dark outside) in a huff because the chicken didn't cook intime. I had gone to the vets and came home to find the kids huddled at one end of the sofa.

He's 'lost' DS2 at the pub, called me in a panic, i've run down thinking the worse, found him, shouted at him for not looking after our 5 yo and then been told "I just want to hit you" all because I wasn't supportive of him whilst we searched for DS2.

I once forgot to renew the batteries in our smoke detector. He told me he didn't care if I burned, but did care if the kids did and in fact if I didn't buy new batteries the next day, he'd burn me.

One time, DS1 and him were play fighting and DS1 (accidentally tho H thinks otherwise) bopped H on the nose with his foot. H whacked him across the head. to cut a long story short he told me a cuff round the earhole was harmless (his Dad had done it to him) I said I don't care, if he talks at school, it wouldnt' be me he had to convince.

I'm very glad to say his behaviour towards the kids has improved since then. He does love them, he just seemed to lose control at times. Like I said, those days are thank god, history... so far.

He has never been violent with me but he can be menacing and I am ultimately afraid of him. I feel rubbish because I didn't protect the kids back then, I'd try and patch things over ... I'm not proud.

Along with being called evil, witch, lazy, the most selfish person he has ever met.. it just goes on and on. If the house isn't immaculate, its a 'shithole', if on the rare occassion he does do housework, he'll leave the hoover and cleaning materials lying out so I know that he's done it.

We never seem to have any money even tho he's away alot of the time (which is why its all lasted so long) - so now although I'm currently working nearly full time (37) hrs I got a pretty low wage (live in the sticks!) which just covers the 3 of us (in terms of clothes, toys, books etc) and all home/shopping etc whilst he has historically covered the mortgage and bills.

What he does with the money I ahve no idea. I am not allowed to see any of our utility bills, he just wants me to hand over lump sums and because I don't because otherwise I can't buy the day to day stuff, I'm yet again, selfish, lazy, 'schemeing'... he once told me he only married me because he thought I was rich...

I recently found our mortgage papers hidden in teh loft. By hiding things I think he feels he can control me. And he has, always sneering and laughing at me if I said I wanted us to separate/divorce. He won't leave the home... and that's how its always been - til now!

I can never do or say anything right, and yet most of my friends think he's 'charming'.. and if I mention he said that, either he or they say "it was a joke" -but I know how it was meant.... and I believe you'll understand me too.

Last year I went to the CAB at teh end of my tether. I was immediately seen be an EA counsellor and for the first time I just blurted out the whole sorry story. She felt we were in danger and told me I'd qualify for a relocation loan (deposit + first months rent) but I didn't do it because it was just before Xmas and I couldn't bring myself to tear the family apart esp as we were going abroad for Xmas to see my elderly Father. So another year ticked by.

Over something very silly, the straw broke, I just phrased something incorrectly and got "stupid women", "mad" etc. I came to work, sent him an email saying I wanted a divorce and made an appointment with solicitor on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour!

He spent a day begging me not to ' for the sake of the kids' (2 emails and 1 call) telling me how I'd destroy them (what he's always said) but this time I told I thought I was doing them a favour.... its now calmed down and he is being nice as pie. I assume he's hoping it'll blow over, but what keeps me going is that hopefully it soon will be 'over', tho I do think another nasy phase will occur before then.

I feel ashamed of how long it has taken me to do something about this. The DC love him and I don't want to hurt them...

But I will do this. One question I have tho - does this sound like NPD, or a man grieving, unable to express himself. I worry that maybe I haven't supported him enough, afterall he lost a child too, but I just feel I have supported him, but just don't have the energy anymore to keep doing so when it feels like such a one way ticket.

If you're still reading - thankyou. If I ever sound like I'm losing my momentum please kick my butt and make sure I keep finding the strength to get him out of my life.

well you said he had complications before you married him or had dc,so i'd be inclined to think you are justified on leaving him and its not grief!!

this stay for saake of children thing is such a myth,really it is. they can't be happy either.

Sounds like out-and-out abuse to me. Not grief. Your new life awaits!

Well if he's genuinely an N, it can't be grief for the lost child - Ns don't feel grief for anyone but themselves. Could be another PD though. He does sound extremely controlling. It is also a rather unnatural response to the death of one child to be so careless with the lives of the others - don't you think? Wouldn't a normal person be rather over-anxious than neglectful?

Ultimately, though, I don't think it matters why he does what he does, unless there was any way that understanding it could make him change. You might understand exactly what makes him tick, but that wouldn't necessarily make him any easier to live with.

Oh, and parents splitting up does not destroy children. They will still have two parents, just not living together, provided one of them does not decide to be an arse about contact (either refusing to allow it or not bothering to keep it up). They may even be calmer and less anxious away from the nasty atmosphere. But I think you know that.

Actually reading this back, of course you are all right!

I remember before kids came along when I told him how much I earned... his reply some time later was "well of course you are over paid"!! I had to say that my boss didn't seem to think so. I should have seen the signs, but I didnt.

His reaction was strange - at the time I put it down to him being ex-army, that they can shut doors (figuratively speaking) and move on.. but now I see it differently. I don't think he grieved at all. He couldn't. I see him clearly as an NPD

He spends alot of time saying "why is my life so shit?"It could be from losing something (not DD), to a job being cancelled, a bill, somethings got broken in the house. You are right, it is just about him.

With regard to his other kids you are right -that goes towards why I was so angry each time - these things would never have happened to DS1 - he never takes his eyes of DS1. When DS2 was taken away for Xray because they thought he was bleeding internally he did say "what have I done". Don't you think that would be enough to never let anything like that happen again.

And yet my anger was deemed as un supportive....

Sad thing is I feel sorry for him, raking this all up again, but its at the front of my mind as I prepare my statement for unreasonable behaviour - which is why I've started posting.

Hope you'll all be able to bear with me!

I dunno about being a narcissist, but he certainly sounds like an out-and-out old-fashioned abuser

Gosh, you have been strong to get out

You know not to be swayed by the nice behaviour now, don't you ?

I admire you greatly

Welcome to the rest of your life!

i am so sorry about your daughter.

but what a horrible nasty man --not dissimilar to my exP.... his excuse has been our oldest ds has autism, severele learning difficulties etc, in 2007 he attacked him for being disbaled "why do i have to ahve a disabled child" why me why me...

do not be swayed by his niceness.

is he accepting to move out of family home or will you move?

and be ready for a rollercoaster in which he will set out to destroy you.... these people dont like losing control of the situation....

set out strict regular contact times, away from your home, so that once split that is sit - your home, his home.

remember you are not responsible for his behaviour. nor for dealing with his grief. he is responsible for addressing these issues....

he can build a relationship with his kids, separately.

Hello Violet

That was some story and I am so glad you have seen the light and are making plans to get away.

Your H is undoubtedly abusive not just to you but to your children and you are very brave to be getting away and making a better life for all of you.

I have also escaped from an EA who I believe to be an NPD. Although it does not change anything to know this it has been enormously helpful to be able to identify what he is and to have an explanation of why my life which once showed such promise was turned upside down.

Also my XNH had convinced me I was insane and it was only through learning about PD's that I could understand about projection and how everything he accused me of (including the lazy, selfish, control freak labels) actually described him.

One thing NPD's all seem to have was a terrible childhood or they have horribly selfish parents (frequently NPD's themselves). Also they often create a fantasy lifestyle. i.e. they buy property or expensive vehicles, clothes etc. for themselves and their families or they exaggerate their career or earning achievements. Could the idyllic life abroad have been this for your H? Did you find youself unwittingly building up his achievements to others when you knew it wasn't what it seemed or it was down to your efforts? (I did!)

They are also frequently very jealous and possessive as well as being envious of others. They also often treat people badly who are of no use to them or the see as inferior - like waiting staff in a restaurant or "downvalue" some people who they see as beneath them and "idealise" others who they might want to impress.

Often people who get involved with N's have other N's in their family backgrounds and that's why they tolerate them when others won't, having been conditioned to this behaviour from a young age.

I hope this is helpful Violet it is very shocking facing this possibility. I personally feel the more people who are aware of PD's and how common they are and the effect they have on others the better. It almost feels like a taboo subject that no-none mentions and that no-one else seems to notice the PD's amongst us!

Good luck with your divorce plans, keep researching NPD if it helps and posting here for support. Fingers crossed for you.

Dear Violet - Thank you so much for sharing your story. He sounds controlling and abusive. HE could be NDP but you may also consider BPD(Borderline PD) or a mixture of the 2. You mentioned on my thread that your H could be mine. Having read your post, I agree even more. I'm convinced my H is BPD with some elements of NDP. He ticks all the BPD boxes and some of the NPD, but has low self esteem.
He may be being nice now, but look for signs that it is a show to manipulate you and your DCs. You can spot them "trying" and sometimes their mask slips.
You've made your decision for a reason but he will try to reveerse that decision and that won't happen if he is not pleasant to you. It doesn't mean he can keep it up. How pleasant is he being? My H has been nicer but still not loving and caring and sharing as I would expect in a relationship. He also spent all weekend not talking to me after 2 months of more pleasant behaviour. They can't maintain it!

Thank you everyone for your support it means alot.

Fairy L - he is being very nice, by that I mean helpful, calm... and of course its making me wobble... is it fair to dredge up these incidents which are done and technically dusted, just so I can get free? I feel like I'm being mean.....

then yesterday he knew I had a dental appt (marathon tooth repair) and went straight onto work thereafter. I was so tired when I got home (had also been shopping on way home) and asked if he'd got any painkillers. "Dont know" was his reply - he didn't look for them, didn't ask how the appt had been, or how I was feeling - general questions that a 'normal' person would ask.... so I know he still doesn't give a toss and then I feel ok about what I'm doing........

I won't back out but I don't feel good about it. help.

Violet, you have two choices. You can stay, carry on feeling unfulfilled, unappreciated and grow older in an unloving relationship. Or you can leave, take control of your life, rebuild your life and be true to yourself from now on.

It's not going to be easy leaving - you have children with this man and therefore will always be connected. But. Ask yourself these questions;
Are you happy now?
Would staying with your h make you happy in your future?
Will your h's behaviour ever change?
Are you living your life to its true potential?

As you know, I recently separated from my EA h whom I suspect is also an N. He hasn't gone away entirely as we must remain in contact because of access to our dc. It is hard going adapting to a life where I am no longer being controlled, I haven't 'found my true self' yet and as a result am wandering aimlessly around the house late at night wondering what it is that I am supposed to be doing.
However, I can now make simple decisions like what I feed the kids, move furniture around, leave doors open, decide not to do something at the last minute, neglect to dust the lounge, stay out without having to get approval, not have to answer multiple texts and phonecalls, dress as I want, forget things without fear.... the list is quite endless.

I am still adapting to life away from EA. It is going to take longer than I thought. But the one thing I am sure about is that I made the right decision to end my persecution at the hands of another person. I am worth more, I stood up for myself at long last and as a result I will go to my grave knowing that I was, (eventually!) true to myself.

"Sad thing is I feel sorry for him"

It is VITAL you work on losing this feeling. However bad his life may or may not have been, feeling sorry for him will only allow him to bring you down with him.

As usual with NPD threads, my suggestion is to read up on co-dependency, it opened my eyes as to why I allowed and enabled such situations into my life.

Wishing you well.

Hey Violet, I just read and don't what to say to help but wish you the best and a happy life

Well..... I did it....today I submitted my papers to divorce and am not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is elated, I came out though shaking like a leaf and now I feel virtually nothing...

Next week he will receive a letter'inviting' him to leave the family home...... and that's when the sh*t will hit the fan...... and then god knows what will happen...

I'm doing the right thing... aren't I?

Yes yes yes

You are so totally doing the right thing. Just look at your own original post, especially the last paragraph!

So sorry to hear your story. Some very dark times. Whether or not he has NPD I don't know. Such sadness - But the relationship has lost its way and is not working. Separating is the right thing to do. No matter how sorry you may feel for him.

My parents are divorced - my dad probably has NPD. My dad is a useless dad - we don't speak any more. My mother constantly apologies and feels sorry for us, we deserve a better dad. My mum can't protect me from how rubbish my dad is now I am an adult.

BUT

I am happy they split up. I am proud of my mum. As a child in this situ I have grown up to have the most amazing life. Wonderful children - the most amazing husband, supportive and kind. I have filled my life with kind hearted people and can smell a rat 1000 miles off. I suppose what I am saying is -if you are fine - your children will be fine.

My mum made the right decision - If he does have NPD he will prob be a shit dad. But you can be the best mum you can be. -

But

If you stay together unhappy - in this mess - then they will be even more confused about how to run their own lives when they grow up. They will have an unhappy mum and an unhappy dad -

Reading thread. I have the same decision to make. After ten years married to an NPD I believe you are doing the right thing. I have had ten years of mind-games, manipulations, control, abuse - for many years physical and, after social services intervention several years back, the abuse is now mental and emotional. I have nearly lost my mind and my sanity over these years and have been in counselling for the past two years. So yes - I definitely think you are doing the best thing for your children and for yourself for a calmer, less-stressed and happier life.

Hi Violet

I'm glad to hear you've sorted your papers out. I hope it all goes well next week. How do you think he will react? And are you prepared for possible reactions?

Well, I just had the weirdest weekend from which I am still reeling but am ok!

Since I announced I wanted a divorce, H has been as nice as is possible for him, or should I say at least he hasn't been nasty, mean - which of course has been very unnerving because its not the norm for him.

Anyway, to cut a long story short a neighbours husband visited me on Sat pm and asked if he could have a word. He asked if I was ok, I told him I was fine - a couple of times and eventually he ventured "I know about it". It would seem that H has confided in him - which is good because I thought his behaviour might be in the vain hope that this would all blow over. So far so good.

The neighbour started off saying he didn't want to take sides, but hadn't heard what he'd been told in the pub and wanted to warn me, for the kids sakes.... I was all ears....

He told me that H has contacted a lawyer (recommended by his Mother) and been told that if H can prove that he can maintain the mortgage and the kids stay in teh same school, he could probably keep the house and the kids........... so my mouth at this stage bounced off the floor.

He then told me that H fully expects me to wind up in some grotty bedsit, that the kids won't be allowed there, and he'll get the lot! Oh and when he's workign away his Mother will come down and look after the kids in his absence!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea why he thinks I'd abandon my children, or whether his Mother is in his scheme. I told my neighbour (flabberghasted) that he must truly believe this is going to happen and my neighbour said he absolutely does!!!

So this is all about him again, he's decided how its going to work and so no wonder he's been so relaxed about everything!!!!!

Please tell me he doesn't have a case tho - I've only just picked myself up off the floor over this! I've gone from feeling sick, tearful, to laughing that he should think this would be the way forward!!

I've forwarded the info to my lawyer.... so now its no more Mrs nice guy for me.... daggers are drawn....!!!

obviously that should read "but he hadn't liked what he'd been told in the pub"....

Hi Fl, in answer to your question I have no idea what to think any more!! His train of thought is so irrational and every time I think I know what he's up to, he does something I couldn't have ever dreamt of.

Just carrying on as norm, he didn't get his cuppa this morning (see how angry and mad I get????!!!!). I love the idea of spitting in his tea but haven't yet..........

Thanks for listening x

No, thats what he wants to happen, not what will happen.
You are the main carer, you will get custody of the kids.
As for the house, thats not anything I know about.

Yikes, violet. But I agree with lilac, courts like to preserve the status quo - if you are the main carer, you should continue to be so.

If his lawyer really did tell him he could have everything, it will be because your H told him a pack of lies about the situation. Once you've got your own legal adviser you will know what your rights REALLY are, and can, if not exactly laugh up your sleeve, go forward with reasonable confidence. Meanwhile H is handicapping his own side by telling them lies. A lawyer can't give good, impartial advice on a basis of bullstuff. (Been there. XH is totally delusional and must have driven his poor solicitor round the twist.)

I feel so sad. He's keeping a diary on me, I realise now he's been this 'nice guy' because he's trying to portray himself as this brilliant carer.... I now work 37 hrs a week and so he's around more after school so does more for them on a day to day basis... its not affecting the kids or anything but I can't help feeling a bit set up. He put me under alot of pressure to up my hours...

On the upside my crimes consist of things like "washed v muddy clothes in the washing machine and now its all blocked"...(after Guy Fawkes party they found a muddy bank to slide down... they were filthy - I probably should have rinsed the clothes off but it was past 9pm, they were cold and wet. THEY were my priority!

Oh and I forgot to 'rewind the hose pipe' back up. Lazy.

And such likes....

I know its trivia, I know in the big picture it won't affect anything, and its not as if I haven't presented a dossier on him... I just find the whole thing so sad.

I've an interview on Thursday and putting myself under real pressure to get it. It would mean I could work from home quite a bit and probably afford to stay in the house with a little bit of help...

And I've got a coldsore trying to raise its ugly head. BOLLOX!!!