My EA/NPD Experience

[violet101]

I have read and re-read posts on here - and it is because of here that I've realised that my H has an NPD too.

We met in our mid 30s 12 years ago. I had a good job requiring me to travel worldwide, I had my own flat, car - life was sweet - but maybe a little lonely. Along came my neighbour - great fun, very helpful, I soon realised he was "complicated" but thought as long as the good times outweighed the bad... thought I could handle it...and anyway my 'clock' was ticking!

In 2000 we had our daughter. Through negligence she was brain damaged at birth so I gave up work to become a full time carer which I did until she died in 2002. This obviously put a huge strain on our relationship and we agreed, he'd manage the mortgage and bills, I'd take care of our daughter and our legal case. I put any of his behavour down to our stress, grief etc. They were very dark times for us.

I did however, have DS1 and was pregnant with DS2 when our daughter finally gave up her battle. 4 days after her death I was told "You have to get over this for the sake of our kids" and we've barely discussed her together since.

For all the wrong reasons, we moved overseas to 'start a new life'. His idea, that I was happy to go along with as I'd lived overseas as a kid so am not overly rooted to anywhere in particular anyway. Of course I set myself up - my support network was gone, H would continue to work (also travelling alot) and had the beauty of coming back to a beautiful rustic farmhouse, wife, kids ... on paper we looked great.

But behind the scenes it was a different story. I was grieving, he was drinking, rows were rife, but I was isolated, trying to manage our cottage rental business, renovations, 2 preschool children, I was a cleaner and had my own small business. But apparently I was lazy, needed to bring in more money, and useless at dealing with the local bureacracy even tho I managed to buy the home, set up the business, manage it, get the kids into preschool, all in a foreign language. But I did make the odd blunder and was not allowed to forget it. H weirdly favoured DS1 over DS2 - and it hurt. People didn't believe it was favouritism because in public he was the perfect Dad/H... inside I'd be cringing. I came back to UK one weekend, leaving the kids with him. One was at preschool, the other with him... and as the builder left our house, he knocked DS2 over in his van, breaking his hip and alot of internal bruising. H just had not kept an eye on this toddler that in his own words he found 'irritating' - I got the call just as I was boarding the plane home.

Nothing I could have said would have made H feel worse than he did, but I was so angry with him... because I could understand how it happened. I didn't want/dare to say it to his face, so I vented my frustrations on emails to friends, which he read. Then he downloaded spy software to see what I was writing when I changed my password.

His main gripe with me was because I hadn't been supportive enough - of him. he had no regard for my feelings at all. He started doing strange things like hiding my credit card then miraculously finding it somewhere where I'd have never looked... things would often go wrong when he went away, but he could 'mend' them on his return - to be the hero - to remind me that I couldn't do without him. And I did, feel beholden. He'd once intimated that hed 'been' with someone else but then said he'd only said it to hurt me when I started pushing the point..

After 2 years we returned to UK. I told him unless he cut down the drinking and saw a GP, I'd leave. He did, went on AD's, was referred to a CPN but never went, then came off the AD's. And so my life got worse again.

Over the years he has gone to bed leaving the kids in pitch darkness infront of the TV (dark outside) in a huff because the chicken didn't cook intime. I had gone to the vets and came home to find the kids huddled at one end of the sofa.

He's 'lost' DS2 at the pub, called me in a panic, i've run down thinking the worse, found him, shouted at him for not looking after our 5 yo and then been told "I just want to hit you" all because I wasn't supportive of him whilst we searched for DS2.

I once forgot to renew the batteries in our smoke detector. He told me he didn't care if I burned, but did care if the kids did and in fact if I didn't buy new batteries the next day, he'd burn me.

One time, DS1 and him were play fighting and DS1 (accidentally tho H thinks otherwise) bopped H on the nose with his foot. H whacked him across the head. to cut a long story short he told me a cuff round the earhole was harmless (his Dad had done it to him) I said I don't care, if he talks at school, it wouldnt' be me he had to convince.

I'm very glad to say his behaviour towards the kids has improved since then. He does love them, he just seemed to lose control at times. Like I said, those days are thank god, history... so far.

He has never been violent with me but he can be menacing and I am ultimately afraid of him. I feel rubbish because I didn't protect the kids back then, I'd try and patch things over ... I'm not proud.

Along with being called evil, witch, lazy, the most selfish person he has ever met.. it just goes on and on. If the house isn't immaculate, its a 'shithole', if on the rare occassion he does do housework, he'll leave the hoover and cleaning materials lying out so I know that he's done it.

We never seem to have any money even tho he's away alot of the time (which is why its all lasted so long) - so now although I'm currently working nearly full time (37) hrs I got a pretty low wage (live in the sticks!) which just covers the 3 of us (in terms of clothes, toys, books etc) and all home/shopping etc whilst he has historically covered the mortgage and bills.

What he does with the money I ahve no idea. I am not allowed to see any of our utility bills, he just wants me to hand over lump sums and because I don't because otherwise I can't buy the day to day stuff, I'm yet again, selfish, lazy, 'schemeing'... he once told me he only married me because he thought I was rich...

I recently found our mortgage papers hidden in teh loft. By hiding things I think he feels he can control me. And he has, always sneering and laughing at me if I said I wanted us to separate/divorce. He won't leave the home... and that's how its always been - til now!

I can never do or say anything right, and yet most of my friends think he's 'charming'.. and if I mention he said that, either he or they say "it was a joke" -but I know how it was meant.... and I believe you'll understand me too.

Last year I went to the CAB at teh end of my tether. I was immediately seen be an EA counsellor and for the first time I just blurted out the whole sorry story. She felt we were in danger and told me I'd qualify for a relocation loan (deposit + first months rent) but I didn't do it because it was just before Xmas and I couldn't bring myself to tear the family apart esp as we were going abroad for Xmas to see my elderly Father. So another year ticked by.

Over something very silly, the straw broke, I just phrased something incorrectly and got "stupid women", "mad" etc. I came to work, sent him an email saying I wanted a divorce and made an appointment with solicitor on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour!

He spent a day begging me not to ' for the sake of the kids' (2 emails and 1 call) telling me how I'd destroy them (what he's always said) but this time I told I thought I was doing them a favour.... its now calmed down and he is being nice as pie. I assume he's hoping it'll blow over, but what keeps me going is that hopefully it soon will be 'over', tho I do think another nasy phase will occur before then.

I feel ashamed of how long it has taken me to do something about this. The DC love him and I don't want to hurt them...

But I will do this. One question I have tho - does this sound like NPD, or a man grieving, unable to express himself. I worry that maybe I haven't supported him enough, afterall he lost a child too, but I just feel I have supported him, but just don't have the energy anymore to keep doing so when it feels like such a one way ticket.

If you're still reading - thankyou. If I ever sound like I'm losing my momentum please kick my butt and make sure I keep finding the strength to get him out of my life.

Good morning Violet xxx, try toothpaste on that cold sore..... stings like hell but will get obliterate the little bugger! shame we cannot do the same with our husbands{wink}

I'm still holding your hand Lovey xxxxxxx

Oh God, the diary!! I worked with a NPD and his diary was the bane of my life. Every little slight, real or imagined was publicly written down and (as we later discovered) distorted beyond all recognition. His best moment was when he pinned me in a corner, scraming abuse in my face and tried to wrench some papers out of my hands was transformed into "Slug assulted me". Fortunately there had been several witnesses to that event so the sound of jaws dropping and snorts of laughter pricked his pompus self rightousness when he announced that in front of the department.

Hi Violet - best to get your own legal advice but I am in a similar position and here is what I was told 3 weeks ago. I would keep the kids as I have the main caring responsibility. I work part time but do most things for them, took mat, leaves etc. He does take 1 to and from school 2/3 days a weeks but that doesn't mean he is the main carer. We can either sell the house or I can stay in it till DS2 is 18. It is best to sell to release the equity and because I will get a larger share now than then. I will only get 50% later. The house, if sold now, starts at 50:50 if in joint names. The balance may sway 55/60% ish to the woman if she earns less and is to have main residence of the kids. OTher assets eg savings and pensions are taken into consideration

Sorry - had to shut message quickly. The courts take how much person with residence needs to set up a suitable home in area near school into consideration. My friend is goingn thru divorce and the above is all applying for her too. Her H is asking for over 50% because he says she has hidden assets, which she doesn't. The courts do a 12 month cheque on bank account activity, so it would be hard to hide money unless you planned well in advance. Money given by others may add an additional complications, if given as a loan but mostly money is seen as joint marital assets unless kept very separate.

Violet - I got very concerned about this and took advantage of the free hour most solicitors offer. I've seen 3. They all confirmed the above and it made me feel a lot more relaxed. If you go prepared, you can get a lot of informtion out of them in 1 hour and also assess if you can work with them.

Take care and try not to worry excessively. Many women still get residence, depite working full time. In fact the courts expect a divorced woman to be seeking or in work.

Good luck

Well I just wanted to update and rant....

Lawyer suggestign waiting until after Xmas but I told her that by doing that he was thinking it was blowing over. H had been being quite pleasant - not that it changed how I felt about it but at least the house was a bit calmer.

So I arranged a letter to be sent to him, which he chucked on the side with contempt and we haven't discussed it since. Nor has he spoken to me other than with contempt...

In fact the day he got the letter, he asked if I could contribute to the household fund because it was a bit short... I've been told not to hand him any money, plus I don't have any anyway! He doesn't believe me and says I can have a copy of all our outgoings (which I've been trying to get out of him for over a year!) if I show him my CC bill as he believes I earn more than I do and thinks I'm spending it on stuff outside of the family (??). Its sad, my current acount just says Sainsburys, the CC lists toys for Xmas.... such excitement in my life.

I work full time, yet in his diary I noticed an entry "house is a tip" - it isn't but we have 2 children and a permanently molting dog and a cat...its a clean, hygenic family home... but if it isn't pristine.... its a tip!

This last week I've had larngitis (?), a stomach bug, my sons had a vomiting bug, I just feel at the end of my tether and so isolated. I haven't told many local friends because I don't want the kids to hear about it until we're ready to tell them.

I just wish it was all over and he'd bog off!

Sorry for ranting - feel better now! On the upside, recently had 2 interviews and got offered both jobs! Well placements actually (I work in SS) but at least someone thinks I'm worthwhile.

Maybe I ahve spent quite a bit on my kids this Xmas - I just want them to have a great day... is that so bad? And I'm not in any major debt or anything...

bollox - I dont' feel better at all!

V Just let him keep his diary like a snotty little boy..... Rise above it (really, really hard, I know).

Didn't want to read & run. Fantastic news about your placements.....

You are worthwhile, your kids think you're worthwhile and you should too.....

The fact that your soon-to-be ex doesn't is his problem.

Just grit your teeth and keep going.

My NPD H is now back to using his favourite terminology - "I will destroy you. I will get you etc" when he realised that I am trying to take little steps to protect myself from him financially. He has taken lots of personal papers last night I have discovered today from my handbag. Things that were private and personal to me and is thinking of ways now to use any information he found against me. Not that there is anything - but he will try.

I have just read diary keeping message. They are so manipulative. My H has never been any kind of friend to me - not even in the early days - and life with him has just been about being in some kind of war game where you have to watch your back all the time, and it is basically that they seem to 'have it in' for you, and, as I said, threaten all the time with 'destroying you'. Easy for my NPD H as he earns a very large salary and I am an unemployed mother of 3. But I suppose that is the mark of the man that I am his target.

Oh crud (as my 7yo would say!). Was chatting with my Mum over the weekend and she suddenly mentioned that she used to worry that I'd been a meal ticket for H. It was like someone had dropped a brick on my head. Because she was completely right!

When I met H, he was recently divorced with apparently nothing, renting a room off a mate. I moved into the upstairs flat with my good job, car, horses, good lifestyle - to be fair I thought he had potential as we were in a similar industry.... but now I realise he didn't love me, just my life and wanted in on it. Then when things went wrong with the birth of our first child and our lives changed dramatically - so did the relationship. To be fair, any couple with a child with limited life expectancy is put under the most incredible strain... but now I see it. When my life changed (I became a f/t carer) so did the quality of his... and it was downhill from there.

Apart from the obvious comments like "I only married you cos I thought you were rich"... I realise he was never in love with me at all. And yet I've managed to waste 10 years trying to make things better! True, we have 2 gorgeous kids but that's it.

2 days before Xmas and although I'm putting a good front on it, I feel so sad and angry inside. How do I come to terms with this?

And to top it all I had a sneaky look in his diary where he keeps notes on me (most of them make me smile cos they're ridiculous eg "didn't rewind hose...lazy".) and found out that a neighbour that I trusted (and had invited for Xmas lunch) has been tipping him off about things that I've said. And the irony is, is that HER husband's been tipping me off about H's plans for my future!!!!!!

How crap is that? Bollox bollox bollox.
Roll on 2010. Roll on divorce and new life!

Merry Xmas everyone - if you're still reading...

Just needed to get it off my chest!

That's nasty, but I hope it makes it easier for you to leave him with a clear conscience.

You're not still going to have Christmas dinner with the spying neighbour, are you?

Violet,
I had a relationship with a very controlling man about 20 years to the point that I thought I was going mad.

I once arrived at his house after work with a drastically new hairstyle which he seemed not to notice. When I asked him if he did't like it, he said he did but didn't comment as I hadn't noticed that he'd pulled up a few weeds in his front garden!

Later while doing his police inspectors exams, I would go over while he was studying and cook dinner and generaly keep the house tidy for him. He accused me later of being completely unsupportive.

When I told him how much I earned, which was slightly more that his PCs salary, he sulked for days and made snide remarks about how over-paid I was! He also failed to tell his niece that a gift he bought her was from both of us,as I had cntributed to the cost and gone out to choose and buy it for him while he was at work. He took all the thanks and credit for himself, in front of me.

All of this happened very gradually so I didn't realise at all how much he was breaking me down until it was too late. I went out with him for 10 months and in that time I changed from a go-getting, vivacious 20-something into a complete wreck of a woman with no self-confidence and self-esteem at rock bottom.

When we finally split up and I met someone else my eyes were opened about how a man should behave when he cares about someone.

About 6 years ago the controlling ex managed to find out my e-mail address as he had heard that I had progressed significantly in my career and achieved the ambitions I had discussed with him all those years ago, so he sent me a sarcastic e-mail to that effect - after 15 years of no contact at all!! I didn't bother to respond, but I was secretly chuffed that it rankled with him so much!

So don't stay with this man. He is behaving himself for now because he fears losing you and the children, but people like him don't change. He will gradually re-introduce his bad ways until you're back where you started.
It must be the hardest thing in the world to split up your family, but for our own sake you have to do something otherwise you will completely lose track of who YOU are.

Good luck
x

All Xmas I kept meaning to write and thank you for your post HisLittlePoppet - time just slipped away but our stories sound very similar and I wanted to thank you for posting as it gave me renewed ooomph to move things along.

Divorce underway, very messy, lots of angst -would I have it any other way. Nope!!!

Can't wait to be free!

Great to hear from you, Violet. Excelsior!