Parents attitude to childcare

[Frozentoes]

I'm just posting to see what others think about this situation. Perhaps should have posted in AIBU?

I am due to go back to work (p/t) in January next year. We plan to use combination of family and nursery place. However my parents have made it very clear that they "wont be able to help" to look after DS as they say they live too far away. They live about a 35-40 min journey away. Now I don't really care if they look after my son or not, but do feel a bit slighted that they are not interested, or that a journey of that length is putting them off. Mainly though i feel quite embarrassed. Most people I know have parents who are dying to get their hands on their grandchildren. Also they look after my sisters children one day a week, although she does live closer.

Obviously they are under no obligation to do anything they don't want to, but I think this is a weird attitude to take. They are generally keen to see my son, and it also annoys me a bit that they would not help me out, but will definitely expect to see my son at weekends, therefore impinging on the limited time me DH and DS have to spend as a family.

What do you think?

Skyward- you are entitled to your opinion and I can see your point. I can only speak for my situation but my mum really enjoys having DS on a weekly basis- even the hard work bits.

She adores him and the time they spend together actually makes her very happy. DS loves it too and they usually have a great day together. I guess it partly comes down to what individual GPs like to do with their time- its great for me that my mum enjoys helping with DS so much, but if she preferred to do something else then I would respect her decision- its her time after all.

Thanks zazen. It's all about the journey apparently. We have never discussed arrangements because they have made their position clear, but would be perfectly feasible for us to do at least one leg of journey.

Either they are using journey as excuse, in which case just favouring my sister. Or they are honestly think not worth it because of the journey. Both of which make me a bit .

I think that it's completely up to them and perhaps they are using the travel as a way to get out of telling you that they just don't want to be used as free childcare?

How old are your parents by the way? Are they retired because if they are perhaps they want to enjoy their retirement and not have to look after other people's children now their own children are grown and have flown the nest?

40 mins is way to long a journey imo. And at least they have been up front. My parents took it on and then it was clear that they weren't up to it - which involved alot of let downs and stress.

If the truth be told, your parents have been there and done that already. It is fair enough that they just want to enjoy being grandparents without being unpaid childminders too.

I can understand why you are upset though. But from my experience (and my observations from my friends), at least if you are paying for the childcare you can have a strong say in what they do - instead of always thinking you can't say cos they are doing you a favour.

They do think the journey is worth it - at the weekends, when they will not have to take responsibility or provide childcare.

What is it about that that makes you sad?

It's all a bit more clear now, the reason they have 'got in first' is perhaps precisely because they have your niece...

Perhaps they took her on and didn't realise the work involved, but can't really say anything. Plus now she's 2, it's a whole different ball game to a 10m old.

If they are already doing it for the neice, then doing it for your DS too is probably too much.

The going on about it to you is more than likely guilt, and she wants you to say Oh it's OK we've organised XYZ and then she can relax. If she says niece is a lot of work, or anything that would indicate she perhaps didn't realise the about of work involved, it may upset nieces mum etc..

Your mum raised her DC, she's earned her stripes, her right to pick and choose what she does.

Arranging your own childcare will be better for everyone all round.

Had missed the bit about them looking after your sisters children.

Does seem unfair on the face of it, but maybe their experiences with her children have made them reluctant to take on any more childcare?

Perhaps they want to stop looking after your sisters children,but feel stuck?

your Mum keeps mentioning it because she wants you to absolve her of her guilty feelings (why ever she has them)

maybe they feel they have bitten off more than they can chew with your neice but are stuck now?

You're lucky they will do emergencies/babysitting.

Personally I think 35-40 mins is a long way away for childcare. I'm not surprised they've said no because of that.