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Original poster

Parents attitude to childcare

60 replies

Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 10:49

I'm just posting to see what others think about this situation. Perhaps should have posted in AIBU?

I am due to go back to work (p/t) in January next year. We plan to use combination of family and nursery place. However my parents have made it very clear that they "wont be able to help" to look after DS as they say they live too far away. They live about a 35-40 min journey away. Now I don't really care if they look after my son or not, but do feel a bit slighted that they are not interested, or that a journey of that length is putting them off. Mainly though i feel quite embarrassed. Most people I know have parents who are dying to get their hands on their grandchildren. Also they look after my sisters children one day a week, although she does live closer.

Obviously they are under no obligation to do anything they don't want to, but I think this is a weird attitude to take. They are generally keen to see my son, and it also annoys me a bit that they would not help me out, but will definitely expect to see my son at weekends, therefore impinging on the limited time me DH and DS have to spend as a family.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Fennel · 19/10/2009 11:34

I don't think it's even about quality, my dds have two rubbish sets of grandparents and they still love seeing them and think it's a real treat.

I think they must have been so brainwashed by all the books about how wonderful grandparents are that they haven't noticed that in fact theirs aren't that great at all.

diddl · 19/10/2009 11:35

Sorry, but YABU.

I think it´s much better for them to say it straight out than to do it grudgingly and make you feel beholden to them,tbh.

I also think it´s a fair drive time, especially as they would have to be there by a certain time so that you weren´t late for work.

I´m sure if there was an emergency they would help.

And if you don´t care,it´s not worth getting upset about.

They want to be grandparents, not childminders!

francaghostohollywood · 19/10/2009 11:43

Both my parents and my dh's grandparents have always been very keen to spend time with the dc, and they have been/are of great help and support.

However I wouldn't want my parents or dh's parents to offer regular/daily childcare, especially if that meant a 40 mins journey.
My parents live only 10 mins away from us and my mother often offers to pick the dc up from school, but I want this to be something she does because she wants to, not because she is the regular carer, iyswim.

Original poster
Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 11:45

Thanks again for all the responses. I'm pleased some of you think I AM being unreasonable - hopefully I can just snap out of it, and stop taking it so personally. But also pleased some of you think I'm not being completely unreasonable in feeling a bit upset about it!

They have indicated they will be up for emergency childcare and of course babysitting.

FWIW they look after one niece at present. She is 2 years and I think they have done it for about a year (maybe a bit less?)

OP posts:
diddl · 19/10/2009 11:45

Oops!

Sorry, forgot I wasn´t on the AIBU thread.

stealthsquiggle · 19/10/2009 11:53

YABU.

My parents live about 5 minutes away, are more than capable of looking after DC, and very frequently pick up the pieces (and the DC) for us when our childcare arrangements fall apart. However, they made it clear from Day 1 that they didn't want to be a routine part of our childcare arrangements - they want to be grandparents, not childminders, and they have lives of their own - they didn't retire just in order to have another set of commitments (although they did, in effect, have a lot since they were looking after my grandfather until he died last year). They are really good grandparents, and I feel more able to ask them for occasional help because I am not asking them to be unpaid childminders.

I am with flowerybeanbag - where does this sense of entitlement come from (it seems to be very common, BTW, OP, I am not picking on you!)? I never expected my parents or PIL to look after my DC on a regular basis.

Original poster
Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 11:53

Don't worry diddl - I think really, I posted in the wrong place. Too scared of the robust responses some people get in AIBU

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 19/10/2009 11:54
  • me and Didl both
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 19/10/2009 11:59

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt, but agree you shouldn't take it personally.

We are very lucky that MIL looks after DS for us 1 day a week - but we take him to her, so she does not have to travel.

However when I was out for a walk with DS once, I met and got chatting with a very nice lady. She was telling me that she looked after her small grandson one or two days a week, but that she found it very hard at times - because of her age, because of the mother's expectations about how he should be fed and looked after (all different from how things were done "in her day"), etc. She also said she was secretly worried about how she would cope when he started walking and climbing, and whether she would be able to keep him safe as she was no longer so quick on her feet.

This really made me think about what we expect from grandparents, and has made me very conscious of what we ask of DS' gran (I don't mean we asked her to have him btw, she volunteered!) and that we shouldn't make assumptions about what she can or should do for us. A regular commitment like that is a lot different from babysitting at weekends occasionally!

BEAUTlFUL · 19/10/2009 11:59

I think our Mums' generation has had a bad lot -- being SAHM for their kids (us), then SAHGM for our children too. Yes, we have chances that they didn't have, but this way it's like they're going through all the hard work twice.

It's not fair to expect your Mum to help you out. She did her bit already, IMO.

Original poster
Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 12:06

Just wanted to clarify, that we have never actually asked my parents to look after son. They got in first and said they couldn't!

OP posts:
Bramshott · 19/10/2009 12:08

"GPs don't get to have all the lovely easy stuff while mummy does all the hard stuff on her own... " Err, no, I'm sorry, they do, if that's what they want!

Original poster
Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 12:13

In fact this may be part of the reason I feel a bit upset. If they had not said anything we may well have made arrangements without them (although given that in-laws are helping out I think we would have have to have offered them the chance for fear of offending them!). But my mum in particular asks me about it often and always says they can't help - even though I am not asking her. It is like it keeps being brought up and I feel offended anew each time. Even though, as has been pointed out, I probably have no right to!

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/10/2009 12:20

GPs don't get to have all the lovely easy stuff while mummy does all the hard stuff on her own...

Well, actually, they do, IMO.( Sorry, don't know who said this above)

I have to say, whilst I do understand that you feel a bit hurt that they appear not want to help you out (maybe you feel that's part of their job as your parents ?), I'm with diddl and flowerybeanbag.

It is a big commitment for retired people, and many do not want to have a childcaring relationship with their GCs. Also 10 month olds are not necessarily easy for someone who is not their parents.

Original poster
Frozentoes · 19/10/2009 12:26

I didn't say it Jamieandhismagictorc... !

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/10/2009 12:27

Also, I'm wondering if you feel a bit upset because they appear to want to help you less that your sister. You don't have to answer this, but if you feel generally that you are not so favoured then I can understand that would hurt.

It could, of course be, that they just don't want to do 2 days of childcare, regardless of who is asking.

But bear in mind that they might end up with an easier relationship with your DC than with hers. My mum has always done a days childcare for my brother's DCs, but I know that she really enjoys not having so much of a disciplinarian-type relationship with mine.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/10/2009 12:28

I know

MrsDinky · 19/10/2009 12:29

Mine were reluctant at first, but changed their mind and have done a day a week for 5 years, now that it has come to an end they are pining. I am hugely grateful for all they have done, and it is lovely that my children feel so at home in GPs house. It works having Dcs at GPs house, it certaily would not have worked if GPs had looked after them in our house. But, it does have some downsides, you have to bite your tongue if what they do with the child isn't necessarily exactly what you would want, when they unexpectedly change their holiday plans at short notice, etc, etc. Maybe they would agree to doing emergency cover, eg if child is not well, or one of you has to work an extra day or something, that way there isn't the commitment. Mine did say at first, oh maybe we could just do once a month, but I had to say no to that, I wasn't going to pay for a nursery place only for them to want to take DC out randomly instead.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 19/10/2009 12:30

BTW (me again) , never post this sort of thing in AIBU. They will tear you limb from limb.

wheresmypaddle · 19/10/2009 12:37

My mum looks after DS once a week while I go to work, he is 2.5 and she has done this for us since he was 10months old. She lives 35min away- we have never found the distance to be a problem. I drop DS off before work, mum brings him back for me.

This thread has made me realise how lucky I am and I am eternally grateful to her but she really loves having DS. I agree with what others have said about not automatically expecting GP to help out- however, I think I would be a little hurt in your position as I am used to GPs that are very keen to help out.

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 19/10/2009 12:41

You can't ever rely on family looking after DC or in my case being that interested in them either. My mum sees my DC a couple of times a year ( we live in different countries). But when she does see them she doesn't seem that interested in them TBH. She wouldn't dream of playing with them etc. She'd rather sit outside smoking and complaining that she never sees them. When she does occasonally interact with them she moans when they won't come to her or kiss her.......they don't 'know' her so what does she expect?
Compared to mine you seem to have doting grandparents for your son. Arrange alternative childcare for your son and take advantage of their time at weekends when they could babysit occasionally while you and DH spend some time together.

MorrisZapp · 19/10/2009 12:47

What bramshott said. The lovely easy stuff is exactly what GPs get to do - they are GPs, not parents.

Adults make decisions to have kids - no doubt you'd be the first to cry 'I'm the parent' when it suited you, but expect GPs to provide free childcare at a time to suit you?

Sorry, that wasn't aimed at OP, but whoever it was that said that GPs shouldn't just get the easy stuff. Do you let them make parental decisions too or do only real parents get that privilege?

You can't have it both ways.

skyward · 19/10/2009 12:49

I think parents these days make unreasonable demands of their own parents when it comes to childcare. I mean - quite a lot are enjoying their hard earned retirement and feel - probably quite rightly - that they've 'done their time' when it comes to looking after exhausting small children on a very regular basis. I thought the whole joy of being a grandparent was being able to just have the fun stuff, not the hard labour. I'll probably be shot down in flames for saying this, but it seems to me that expecting grandparents to look after GCs while parents work is just another means of our generation 'having it all' while everyone else pays the price.

zazen · 19/10/2009 12:55

I get you frozentoes - my mum said it first as well, as if I had been plotting to have her look after DD.

As it was, I had no plans to have her in my life anymore than absolutely necessary, and I wouldn't trust her with a cat, let alone a child
We organised super childcare when I went back to work.

You're lucky though in that your Parents have offered emergency childcare.

And am I the only person who thinks it is a little bit odd that Op's parent are up for looking after OP's sister's kid from one years of age, but not hers at 10 months?
But that's life sometimes - not really fair.

best of luck with organsising your family time.

OrmIrian · 19/10/2009 12:58

I don't blame them. It's too far to go every day. Maybe they would be keener if it was going to be once a month/fortnight. But they will have to learn that when you are working you won't have time to see them very often.

WHen mine were little my parents used to have them one day a week and I'd go and pick them up and spend the evening. It's a good compromise IMO. They still pick them up from school once a week and I go after work. It is often the only time we see them for weeks on end. Which is a shame but we have no time. They understand.

Have they said definitely that they won't at all? Or were they just making sure you understood they don't want to be taken for granted for every day/every week?