Single dad and periods

[loneparent]

I seem to have seen lots about this site in the papers this weekend so I'm hopeful that somebody here might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. I lost my wife to breast cancer nearly five years ago when my daughter was 8 and my son was 5. With lots of help from Annes family I have managed to get them to 13 and 10 without too many disasters. Now puberty is raising its ugly head and I am finding things a bit difficult. Annes sister has very kindly offered to have a talk to my daughter but I think it might be a bit late. A couple of times recently my daughter has asked to go shopping on her own and I think that perhaps her periods have started. I would like to think she might have told me, but would it be OK for me or her aunty to ask her?

I can understand you being sad when your DD says she can sometimes hardly remember her mum. But please don't say anything (not that I'm saying you would).

My friend lost her mum when she was 6. And she was often torn apart with guilt that she couldn't remember her very well. However, every once in a while she'd come into school with a wide smile on her face and say, I remembered last night that I used to make cakes with my mum (or something similar).

Look through old photo albums together and remember days out/holidays. Say things like, "you were probably too little to remember but with mummy you used to do ...." that way she won't feel guilty about not remembering but will have the memory (IYSWIM)

I have always tried not to show sadness or surprise at the things the children say about their Mother but you are right to remind me. I don?t think that my son who was five when she died really remembers that much. I think he is remembering what people have told him over the years about his Mum. My daughter was 9 so naturally recalls more and sometimes she reminds me about really trivial things. She was and is very astute and she had worked out that her Mum wasn?t going to get better a couple of weeks before the end. She told me in the car - I will have to be the Mummy soon. We do have a book and a box we look at sometimes with all sorts of bits and pieces in it but my son finds it a bit boring (feels excluded?)

Or maybe your son just isn't into the whole photo/memory thing? I love looking at old photos, we can barely get my brother to look at new photos!

Whatever the answer is, you sound like a really great dad who puts his children first. Your wife would be very proud of you, and I'm sure your children appreciate it very much.

I wonder what, if anything, I should be saying to my 10 year old son. Is there a book suitable for him that might also cover what is happening to his sister. OR in view of what she said about dreading her brother knowing what was happening is silence the best policy?

oh god this has brough back one horible memory!!!!.... i grew up with my dad who was clueless and i was so embarrased. i scrabbled down the backs of the sofas for pennies to buy tampax. then i walked to the local shop to make my purchase. except i had to stand there counting out my pennies whilst the cue to the counter was growing and i was literally glowing red by the time i got out. it was mortifying (i was 12).

agree with purplepeony.. offer her an allowance for sanitary items / underwear ect. i dont think i would have been comfortable with my dad buying my sanitary stuff for me. i dont think it is the same for a girls father to buy for a wife and daugter(s). the dynamics are different when a man is raising a teanage girl alone. good luck loneparent.

Her Aunty has always gone clothes shopping with my DD, right from when my wife died but I expect that DD will soon be wanting to that on her own.

I have already sorted out extra pocket money for santitary items but if she, as she seems to be, is OK about buying them when we do the shopping together then that is fine with me. If she puts them on the shopping list for when I solo shop that would be her decision regardless of "dynamics".

Loneparent, I'm in kind of the mirror image of your situation - DH died three years ago, I have an 11-yr-old son and 7-yr-old daughter.

DS is now hitting puberty, and I don't really know how to deal with all the issues that will crop up in the next few years (shaving, wet dreams, girls, sex, all that sort of stuff) that he would probably have talked to his dad about. I didn't even have brothers and went to a girls' school until 15, so never really had to deal with early pre-teen/teenage boys. Luckily there are a few uncles around (though not living anywhere close), and of course friends.

I have bought books called "What's happening to me?" for both kids - there is a girl's and boy's version, and they deal mainly with puberty and teenage issues from the point of view of each gender, but also give a brief rundown of what's happening to the opposite sex. I definitely recommend them. Amazon links here girls and boys. Hope these might help.

Thanks very much for the link. Now to wait for the postal strike to be over!

Exexpat - I don't know if the mast* word is allowed on Mumsnet but I suggest that will be your most difficult issue (sort of like the periods were for me). He will do it and sooner or later you will catch him. Knock and wait on his door will help

Thanks, Loneparent - I'm not really looking forward to that one (but I do already knock!). Also the issue of porn, specially as more extreme versions are so readily available online/on mobiles. I think when DH was that age, getting your hands on a copy of Playboy was a big thrill, but I can't imagine what sort of thing he might see now. I'm not all disapproving, but I think I will need to have a conversation with him about reality vs pornography and so on.

Oh, and about the "m" word - I think on mumsnet everyone just calls it wanking

well loneparent if you havent realized that there will be extra 'dynamics' for you cope with in bringing up a teanage daughter now then i really dont know how you are going to cope no need to be rude when i was just trying to help .

You've probably already seen but MN has topics called Dadnet (think it's been recently been renamed as MumsNOT(?)), Lone Parents and also a Bereavement section on here if you want to chat.

Think your dd sounds fab. She may not tell you when she has her period, but along with tampax, she might want some tlc in the way of a hot water bottle & paracetamol.