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Original poster

Single dad and periods

63 replies

loneparent · 18/10/2009 18:11

I seem to have seen lots about this site in the papers this weekend so I'm hopeful that somebody here might be able to help me or point me in the right direction. I lost my wife to breast cancer nearly five years ago when my daughter was 8 and my son was 5. With lots of help from Annes family I have managed to get them to 13 and 10 without too many disasters. Now puberty is raising its ugly head and I am finding things a bit difficult. Annes sister has very kindly offered to have a talk to my daughter but I think it might be a bit late. A couple of times recently my daughter has asked to go shopping on her own and I think that perhaps her periods have started. I would like to think she might have told me, but would it be OK for me or her aunty to ask her?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/10/2009 15:47

Oh yes, discreet disposal is very important. You could get a bin with a lid for the bathroom. I also agree with Hatwoman about the tampons. We had a talk in school about "hygiene" (back in the early 80s) and the nurse told us all sorts of horror stories about tampons getting 'lost' as if they were some sort of space junk -- ridiculous. Tampons are much cleaner, more practical for sports, easier to get on with your life, imo. But they shouldn't be flushed.

jumpjockey · 19/10/2009 16:00

My dad found himself in the same situation, my mum died when I was little. I remember him not really wanting to tackle any subjects like this so I had to put a note under his pillow that said "I've had a period" and talked to friends' mums about it instead. He then asked if everything was ok and did I need anything, and we would stick the supplies in the sainsbury's trolley under everything else. The aunty's offer sounds great and even if it is late in that your daughter's already started her periods, at least it opens up discussion and she may feel able to talk to you about how she's feeling about her body once she's had a chat with another woman.

Oh and re disposal, we got a little pack of the scented disposal bags so I could put things in the bathroom bin without my (older) brother going urgh yuk.

Good luck with it all - my dad raised me and my brother on his own after my mum died when I was 5 and we've turned out ok

8oreighty · 19/10/2009 16:04

haven't got time to read through all the replies, but just to say that I lived with my dad from when I was 13 until going away to university, and it was SO embarrassing when I had to buy pads and tampons. I use to dread doing it. He was perfectly lovely -- we just didn't talk about it...it was all a bit awkward. It has stuck with me. Might be best to say, "This is a bit awkward, but just wanted to ask you, blah blah" and then give her some money to go off to the shops, or even do an online order and let her add what she needs? Probably best to just get it out in the open though, it's all that quiet that builds up and makes one feel so embarrassed.

star6 · 19/10/2009 16:09

I lost my mother to cancer and she passed away just as I got my first period.
Ask her. It will take the anxiety away from her having to tell you. And as others have said, act like it's no big deal, just a normal thing that happens to everyone and you still think the same about her. I might be odd, but I had all sorts of insecurities about telling my dad about this (and we're quite close).
If you can, have the aunty talk with her about it first. I know I really wanted a female to explain it all to me and I had so many questions. I hope that helps. Best of luck and welcome to MN

hatwoman · 19/10/2009 16:44

btw - I'm actually finding this thread very useful myself. dd is 9 and she knows the bare bones of it all, as it were. but this is making me think the whole thing through and think a bit more about the practicalities etc.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2009 16:50

I think when you get right down to it, it's the practicalities that matter. Girls sort out the big picture themselves gradually over time, but having someone to guide them sensibly through the practical matters makes for a better parent and daughter relationship, ime. I think parents can fret over the big questions regarding development, but the DDs are usually more concerned about the nuts and bolts.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 19/10/2009 16:56

Listen, don't worry too much. I never told my mum when I got my period. It was just "too embarrassing" so I thought.

I managed to get the equipment without my mum buying it for me, and didn't tell her until MONTHS later.

I don't feel that is was that lonely or that I was traumatised by doing it that way! I spoke to my friends about it.

GL

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 19/10/2009 16:58

I agree with a pp, give her some money for 'toiletries'. unmentionables cough cough! She'll know you aren't unaware, but that you're trying to not embarrass her.

star6 · 19/10/2009 19:03

I'm sure you realize this as well but it's quite different to just "normal circumstances" when a girl gets her period for the first time and her mom has passed away. I remember feeling a lot of heavy emotions about this and thinking how unfair it is that other girls have their moms to talk to and they didn't even appreciate them.
Be open to let her talk about those feelings, too, because they may resurface during this highly hormonal and emotional change.

Doodleydoo · 19/10/2009 20:41

Wanted to reiterate the bags for the unmentionables! I use nappy bags for this and nappies but there are some good ones that come on a roll and are biodegradable which don't look like nappy bags!

Really good luck, teenage girls can be a handful but it sounds like you are doing a very good job.

Original poster
loneparent · 20/10/2009 08:19

I had ?the talk? with my daughter last night and partly because she is more sensible than me it wasn?t toooooo difficult. She has started her periods and I think she was pleased that I had finally realised. She didn?t want to talk about it much but she did like the idea of extra pocket money for toiletries. None of her friends use pads so she uses ?little white things? like them. I supposed her dread of her brother knowing what was happening was the only thing that made me smile. She did go round to her aunts afterwards but all she told me when she got back was that it was about other things.

I did and still do feel a bit down this morning. Things like this make me realise that I haven?t got over the death of my wife yet and its been quite a while now.

OP posts:
onestep · 20/10/2009 08:42

You did well to have the talk. It's not surprising you feel down though as this sort of thing is bound to reopen the door to issues surounding your dw not being with you any more. Good luck.

8oreighty · 20/10/2009 11:42

You sound a truly lovely dad. Good to have talked to her, just keep it open, keep talking. I still remember the few times my Dad and I talked about things, and I wish there had been more. Even if she looks uncomfortable I'm sure she finds it reassuring. She must be missing her mum too at this time - such a mile stone.

prettyfly1 · 20/10/2009 14:00

Oh LP you are doing so well. You sound like a fab dad. What sort of support do you have for yourself tho - do you have friends or much of a social life? It might help you not feel so lonely with these things?

StarlightMcKenzie · 20/10/2009 14:06

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hatwoman · 20/10/2009 14:29

and now you've found us I hope you'll find mn a source of support .

(as well as time wasting, piss-taking, and rudeness etc etc. you need a thick skin but mn's still a good place to visit)

cat64 · 20/10/2009 14:42

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
loneparent · 20/10/2009 20:49

Both families are totally brilliant in the support they provide but you are right I don't get much time for myself. Most the time losing Anne is like a dull ache, a few times a year it is much worse than that (January is the worst month, her birthday, our wedding day and the day she died are within 18 days) and just once in while I have a really bad day. But you have to play the cards you have been dealt don't you.

OP posts:
BeehiveBaby · 20/10/2009 20:55

If someone hasn't said, a covered bin for the loo is a good idea. I was a daughter of a single dad who asked me 'how are the waterworks' every morning!

Ozziegirly · 21/10/2009 00:49

It really sounds like you're doing a great job. Teenagers are a pretty secretive bunch about things like periods, I know I was. I have no idea why, looking back!

It sounds like you handled it really well though.

I think giving her a bit of extra pocket money, and maybe just saying in passing, perhaps when she's just off to bed "you know, if there's anything you ever want to talk about, or ask, you can always come to më, but I won't be offended if you don't want to", will make her feel reassured and safe if she does want to ask about this kind of stuff.

Original poster
loneparent · 21/10/2009 18:51

Two things have happened in our Father Daughter relationship. One was happy but one was somewhat poignant. She popped some toiletries, little white toiletries, into the supermarket trolly during our shopping expedition. This is the first time she has done this with me present and I am feeling rather pleased with myself. On the way home she said in a thoughtful voice ?Sometimes I can hardly remember Mum.? This is so sad, I want her to remember her Mum forever. I hope she doesn?t know how that made me feel.

OP posts:
posieparker · 21/10/2009 18:57

You've brought a tear to my eye loneparent, I'm sure you're doing a great job. I couldn't even buy tampax in my twenties without being very embarrassed and I had my first period at ten!!! So you've achieved something on your own that my two parents could not.

Perhaps you and her could start a photo album with comments and stories about your wife? Just a thought, I have no experience with this.

louii · 21/10/2009 19:05

Thats great that she is able to put them in the trolley, you sound like a fantastic dad and are doing a great job.

My dad was great about things like that, i used to tell him what tampons to get me when he went shopping, neither of us were embarrassed about it.

moondog · 21/10/2009 19:17

You sound like a lovely man LP.
How lucky your children are to have you.
Your wife would be happy knowing her babies are in such safe sensitive hands.

hatwoman · 21/10/2009 20:24

LP - great development on the shopping. well done. and the comment about her mum - of course that's really sad for you to hear that - but take it as another compliment to the strength of your relationship - she felt able to say that to you, in her own way it was a form of opening up to you. it must have been on her mind - and she shared it with you. I too don't have any relevant experience but agree that perhaps she'd like to talk to you about happy memories, look at photos etc. keep up the good work lp - you're doing a great job.