HELP! What do you all think?

[TheMistressCullen]

I am a regular/lurker - I have name changed, because over the course of this thread I may reveal more than I would normally want to.

My DH manages a shop in a large shopping precinct. There is a bakery type cafe nearby. I had a bad feeling about a girl who worked there, for the following reasons...

She had been involved with one of his employees, very on/off relationship, but it meant I'd hear a lot about her. (Like oh Xgirl came in today to see xlad but he wasn't in, we ended up talking about Y and stuff.) It seemed she came in a lot to see this lad, but never when he was actually there - and you can see one shop from the other so you would really know who was there. IYSWIM.

Then, when the lad stopped working there it would be Xgirl came in to get some change and other such plausible things.. but again, it involved her being around a lot.

At the time I was pregnant with DS, so on mat leave, and would occasionally meet DH for lunch. A couple of times she was there, on one occasion they were stood outside talking, so I approached, said hello, and she totally ignored me, looked at me like I had totally gatecrashed her conversation, moved between me and DH with her back to me and said "so anyway! I'll catch up with you later" and walked off.

Then when we got back, we were talking outside the shop and she was sat on a high stool, in their outside eaty bit, and just stared at us very intently. When I actually looked at her, she was looking at DH in a very seductive manner - I can't explain this accurately - but it didn't feel right, I was really uncomfortable. Her body language is aalways very flirtatious..

On the last occasion we were xmas shopping together, and stopped at this cafe for DD to have a drink. DH went to the counter and Xgirl, who was in the back literally tripped over herself in her haste to serve him. There were two other staff members serving, and when they saw, they all kind of looked at each other like there was some shared knowledge that only she should serve him. She then blanked me again - and she did not take her eyes off him - but again in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

I haven't explained this very well, but basically it comes down to my intuition - which is telling me that this person is trouble.
I would though, like to know what you all think. Am I mad, or is there something in it?

He knows about this, but my intention is to show him this when I have some replies. There is a reason, but I am witholding that for now - not to drip feed, but because I'd like to know what you think up to this point first. IYSWIM?!

Sorry - I know it's long, thank you for persevering! I'm working tomorrow so I might not be able to return until tomorrow night. x

"He thinks I'm mad... in a nice way." Your H is getting a huge ego boost out of this. He's really enjoying the idea of two women at each other's throats over him. He's a manager -- he knows how to tell people to get lost, but he hasn't done it in the case of this trollop because he's getting something out of it himself. The looks you saw exchanged between her colleagues are very telling. You are being gaslighted by your H.

I really really don't like the sound of this bloke......

it is up to people to "choose equally monogamous partners and discuss where the boundaries in their particular relationships are going to be."

Phew. That's cleared it up for me. Thanks. For a moment I thought I was choosing badly in just not realising in that the man I married was a shit.

Here is his latest email:
"Sorry honey but I found a new bitch who lets me fuck her in the ass, and also swallows all my cum, so you must find a new guy to give you money...

Happy hunting.
Bye
"

Of course, I knew when I married him that he was like this. So your theory pans out.

oh, and that message is not to me, it is to a young and presumably penniless prostitute. i had no idea that he used prostitutes either

Guess I didn't have the boundary conversation when we met

I am sure SGB that you will come up with good reasons as to how I have missed the point and am to blame for this type of relationship.

I look forward to hearing them and to reconciling my ignorance with the gorgeous toddler I am holding with one hand - which the man I married has abandoned - and the decree nisi I am holding in the other.

And interestingly I agree with you in a large part - he and I did have the conversation before we married. Then I suppose we had the agreement and promises when we married (vows ) then again when we had a child.

Only he was lying. Very convincingly.

It does happen.

There is no one-size fits-all knitting- pattern of meeting, having the Boundary Conversation, agreeing on marriage/autonomy/swinging/open relationship/non-committed fucking etc....

I am happy that life has worked out for you SGB and that you have met men who have the Boundary conversation honestly and meant it.

Some men like the attention. Its possible to nip this sort of thing in the bud. He is in a boring job and what makes it interesting are the social interactions.

Nantucket: That your partner was a shitbag (and he certainly sounds like one) doesn't mean that either you or other women he may have lied to (ie telling them that he'll be a good boy this time/his wife doesn't understand him or whatever) are to blame for his behaviour. He is to blame for his behaviour. Some people get a kick out of betraying their partners, but some people do make unwarranted assumptions and fail to discuss boundaries and then blame everyone else for their relationship issues.

ok

Ok, ok, ok! I don't know about the discussion between Nan and SGB, it's all got a bit deep TBH.

However there are a number of points I would like to clear up about my own situation. The assumption that my DH has a boring job is a very bad one. The company he works for is one of the few retail trades that is actually still growing atm. He is based in one store, but actually is responsible for the whole district - about 6 or 7 other stores. He is also completing a business management degree through the company at the same time. He has no time to be bored.

Secondly, what some of you failed to notice about my post re the harrassment was that she shouted it when he told her enough! I agree with SGB in that you are never going to be able to stop people coming on to your partners. Some people don't have/understand boundaries, and some poeple don't NEED encouragement - that was certainly the case before. Remember, he told me everything, and a colleague, because he started to feel very uncomfortable. However because this was really before the age of emails it came down to his word against hers. It started to collapse for her when we learned she had done it before. I read every single statement made, and there was never a suggestion of wrongdoing on his part - nor did I have any suspicions. She was an ODD FANTASIST.It was proved, and she admitted later, that it had been pure fantasy. FULL STOP!

Despite this happening, we have to get on with our lives. We don't suspect every girl who is nice to him. He works with females and they are all nice, we all socialise and I'm sure he's nice back. This girl, to him, was just another nice girl, that he had no interest in. There are other girls (and men) within the shopping centre that he will stand and talk "Shop" to or accept hamsters from. This girl was not over the top outright flirting with him, she was coming in and talking "shop" or "change" or "left over doughnuts". Her weird behaviour was to ME.

He was very "I think you're mad" because months after the event I was trying to tell him about the instinct I had about her, based on the way she behaved towards ME. You will also notice that he found a way to not employ her, because he trusts how I felt, and doesn't want to go through that again.

Like someone else said, we weren't hidden away. He was outside his shop waiting for us when she started talking to him. He was buying DD a drink when she tripped over herself. The "knowing looks" incidentally that her colleagues were more them rolling their eyes at her than "there's that bloke she's seeing, look at his poor pregnant wife".

I never suspected him. I never suspected her until the way she was with me. It brought the other stuff into focus. IYSWIM.

I am glad his job isnt dull, I stand corrected

And, we weren't "at each others throats" at the time I said nothing. Trust me, I was very pregnant, if I had said anything at the time he'd have told her to get lost.

I never said anything because I couldn't trust my hormonal instincts. It came up in conversation much later, I told him, but couldn't explain why. It was all down to her body language and other covert signals that I picked up on, and trying to explain that after the event is quite hard. We were both laughing when he said "TheMistressCullen - you are quite mad, but whatever you think?!" I started this thread to show him what I meant, and it's kind of gone off the rails a bit.

TheMistressCullen my dh used to work for a company and come home and
tell me things a girl there said she was the only girl there,
I used to say 'is that right' in a tone,
he would laugh because he didn't find her remotely attractive etc and she was engaged, but on the night of their christmas dinner she rang his mobile and asked him how to lock her key pad of her phone,

her dp worked for a mobile phone shop,
so he even thought it was weird,
then when I went to collect him from the christmas dinner,
he came out and said I think you might have been right,
when they were coming out the steps were really icy and she had on big heels and held on to his arm, and said will Plumbum be jealous if she sees you helping me

He give her a face and said "why on earth would plumbum be jealous of you"
That was the end of her chatting to dh about anything

I know it was silly,
but trust your instincts you have pointed it out to him, I hope he puts your instincts first

in your situation i would sit dh down and say this.

"whether you believe t or not xgirl is infatuated by you. I am sure that you find this very flattering. If this should go beyond childish giggling and covert inuendo, i would like to remind you that our marriage/relationship would be over.

I am in no way insecure about this becuase i am beautiful witty and intelligent, i will not havea ny trouble finding myself another man that your childrenw ill call daddy and someone who will fuck me outragously. don't think that i'll be a frigid dried up old hag darling. i too will be fucked.

so if you ever decide to take things further at any point in the future. don't think i'll be waiting. the choice is in your hands whether or not you want to decimate the lives of your children over a cheap thrill fuck.

hey darling, i know shes just being an outragous flirt at the moment but i just wanted to spell out the consequences ok?"

needs to be said - men can't think past their dick when some one is stroking their ummm ego

I think, OP, that you are likely to drive yourself batshit wondering about what-ifs and maybes here. I think it's possible that you and your H both have slightly skewed reactions to people after the incident with the other woman (and FWIW I do rather believe you about this, there are nutters around) - he has become more complacent on the grounds it couldn't happen again, you have become more paranoid.

Either way, this happened a while ago, your H has not given her the job, so TNH it's probably better to put it all behind you.

Given what your DH presumably knows about your family history of a cheating dad, he really shouldn't be telling you your instincts are off. This is playing with your mind. And just because you were pg doesn't mean you were completely off in a parallel universe either. You still had your brain and all your senses plus baby bulge. I don't think anyone was necessarily pitying you because you were pg, or assuming you were being made a fool of, but I do think other people in the mall had noticed something about the trollop's focus on your DH. And maybe they noticed your DH wasn't going out of his way to avoid this woman? Men (and women too of course) can be very foolish and vain.