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Original poster

HELP! What do you all think?

65 replies

TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 00:11

I am a regular/lurker - I have name changed, because over the course of this thread I may reveal more than I would normally want to.

My DH manages a shop in a large shopping precinct. There is a bakery type cafe nearby. I had a bad feeling about a girl who worked there, for the following reasons...

She had been involved with one of his employees, very on/off relationship, but it meant I'd hear a lot about her. (Like oh Xgirl came in today to see xlad but he wasn't in, we ended up talking about Y and stuff.) It seemed she came in a lot to see this lad, but never when he was actually there - and you can see one shop from the other so you would really know who was there. IYSWIM.

Then, when the lad stopped working there it would be Xgirl came in to get some change and other such plausible things.. but again, it involved her being around a lot.

At the time I was pregnant with DS, so on mat leave, and would occasionally meet DH for lunch. A couple of times she was there, on one occasion they were stood outside talking, so I approached, said hello, and she totally ignored me, looked at me like I had totally gatecrashed her conversation, moved between me and DH with her back to me and said "so anyway! I'll catch up with you later" and walked off.

Then when we got back, we were talking outside the shop and she was sat on a high stool, in their outside eaty bit, and just stared at us very intently. When I actually looked at her, she was looking at DH in a very seductive manner - I can't explain this accurately - but it didn't feel right, I was really uncomfortable. Her body language is aalways very flirtatious..

On the last occasion we were xmas shopping together, and stopped at this cafe for DD to have a drink. DH went to the counter and Xgirl, who was in the back literally tripped over herself in her haste to serve him. There were two other staff members serving, and when they saw, they all kind of looked at each other like there was some shared knowledge that only she should serve him. She then blanked me again - and she did not take her eyes off him - but again in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

I haven't explained this very well, but basically it comes down to my intuition - which is telling me that this person is trouble.
I would though, like to know what you all think. Am I mad, or is there something in it?

He knows about this, but my intention is to show him this when I have some replies. There is a reason, but I am witholding that for now - not to drip feed, but because I'd like to know what you think up to this point first. IYSWIM?!

Sorry - I know it's long, thank you for persevering! I'm working tomorrow so I might not be able to return until tomorrow night. x

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 15/10/2009 19:26

6feet, is your husband Brad Pitt ?

MinkyBorage · 15/10/2009 19:35

op, her behaviour is clearly completely inappropriate, and of course you should not trust her one bit. However, I would say that whilst I think intuition is very important in matters like this, you don't actually need to use it here. Her behaviour is so obvious that the need for using your intuition is negated.

No idea what the next bit is going to be, but imo your dh should stop seeing her/talking to her etc etc, he should not put up with her being rude to you, turning her back to you/ignoring you etc, and if he does allow her to behave like that without any correction from him, then frankly he is leading her on!

Avendesora · 15/10/2009 19:41

I would say your husband needs to be clear with her that he isnt interested. She will eventually, hopefully, transfer her attentions. If he isnt I would want to know why. Its pretty boring working in a shop, maybe he likes the attention? Maybe he hasnt realised that people will talk and that will make you uncomfortable?

mummee09v · 15/10/2009 19:47

is she good looking??
just wondering!!!

SolidGhoulBrass · 15/10/2009 20:46

Maybe the H knows he isn't interested in having sex with this woman, but also knows that having a big declaration of 'Woman! I am a Respectable Married Man! Begone vile temptress' will make him look like a complete dick and mess up working relations with everyone else, whereas cheerful friendly taking-no-notice will mean that she carries on doing her work and sooner or later fimds someone else to fixate on.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2009 21:17

sgb, you have a very funny way with words

every one of your posts makes me smile, even when I don't agree with ya

Original poster
TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 21:17

Okay I'm here!

No she's not particularly "wow", quite plain, nice figure, nice, but not stunning.

All of this actually happened a while ago now - over a year. It started with the smaller stuff - her being around a lot, then the other stuff - while I was actually there all happened in a very short space of time, 3, maybe 4 weeks. Then she quit her job, moved to another one out of the way, and we/I haven't heard from her since. I never brought it up at the time because I was very pregnant and did think it could be my hormones, so I did feel a bit silly.

We did talk about it months later, and I told him how I felt and what had happened. He didn't like that I felt so uncomfortable, we couldn't really talk about it in any depth because it had long since passed, he couldn't remember specifics, and he always said he felt like she was just trying to find out stuff about his ex.

As a couple, we are very open, we have a shared mobile account, shared finances, no locked phones, email accounts nothing like that. Not because we made a conscious (Sp?) decision to be that way, that's just how we are, and it works for us. I trust him as much as I am able to. I grew up in a house where affairs were commonplace, then it happened to me with my ex. That said, I don't think it has made me paranoid - but I should have trusted my instincts and didn't - I won't do that again. It's the "instinct" thing that DH doesn't get - he doesn't think it exists.

FWIW I'm 99% sure he didn't encourage her, and I said that to my RL friend at the time. When I saw her doing it - he was completely oblivious, genuinely. When he brought her up it was in the same way as he talks about his other colleagues.. "oh I've had a hectic day today, X didn't turn up, Y broke this and Xgirl was bugging me for change". Or she'd bring over cakes at the end of the day and he'd say "xgirl brought over the muffins".
She bothered me because I didn't like how she was to me, not because I was worried about him. IYSWIM?!

The reason it has come up again is because she contacted him two days ago to ask for a job.

Over ten years ago now DP was accused of sexual harrassment because he rejected someone at work. Admittedly, she was a very odd character anyway, but her general behaviour was along these lines. (I knew her prior to this, and had also worked with them). When she made the accusations, he was suspended without pay. We had to sell our home, and it was a long struggle to prove she was lying. We did eventually - and it turned out she had previously tried to do this to someone else. He never kept her behaviour a secret from me, and thankfully he also discussed it with another colleague. When it was eventually settled he didn't want to go back to work there, so he restarted his career for another company - but our whole life almost had to start from scratch. His old company did compensate him, but was never going to cover what we had lost.

I would feel incredibly uncomfortable therefore, if he had to work with someone who didn't fully understand boundaries and levels of appropriateness.

He understands and respects that I feel that way, and totally trusts what I'm saying - but he doesn't "get" how I just "know" - she was always just "nice" to him.

Sorry it's long again!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 21:24

SGB that is a very funny way to put it!

He is a very "friendly take no notice" kind of guy actually - not just about this, but about everything. Even after everything that's happened.

I'm more cautious - I'm not saying that Xgirl is going to be another loon BTW, but it's a royal PITA I could do without thinking about..IYSWIM!

OP posts:
picmaestress · 15/10/2009 21:47

God, tell him to steer well clear, she sounds like a nightmare. To have finally got rid of her, and now she's popping up again wanting a job! Yeah, right. No way! No. Way.

The intuition thing is spot on - it's happened to me in the past, and I've been right every time. Some girls are just trouble, it doesn't matter how much you trust your bloke, if she's this stalky about him, what the hell does he think is going to happen next?

I can't believe he didn't learn from the last time! And I'm really hoping he's not seriously considering giving her a job, when it has quite rightly bothered you.

EcoMouse · 15/10/2009 21:51

Ha, I see. Well, it's instinct, isn't it! A very difficult thing to explain to someone who doesn't even believe in it

Are you quite analytical and him less so? It can be difficult for people who don't naturally tend towards this trait to grasp the flow from instinct, through analysis and into awareness.

So, it's a good thing he trusts in your perception

Original poster
TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 21:54

Nope! He told her there and then - which was hard because in retail they are recruiting - which she would know. So he did some clever questioning, and found a reason why it wouldn't work.

He came home all very proud of himself.

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/10/2009 21:56

What's he intending to do about the job she wants?

Katisha · 15/10/2009 21:56

Ah x-post

Hoorah!

EcoMouse · 15/10/2009 21:57

Hmm, sorry, more like awareness> instinct> analysis> working awareness = options!

I'm going before I re-think again

Original poster
TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 21:57

Yes Eco, I'm a good judge of character usually, I pay a lot of attention to body language and how someone speaks. He can just about remember what they were wearing.

I do however think he would be fully aware if Kylie was coming on to him!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMistressCullen · 15/10/2009 21:58

I knew what you meant. My intuition told me.

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 15/10/2009 22:06

Scary.. that would make me Anjolina Jolie... Now that just ain't right!!

EcoMouse · 15/10/2009 22:14

I instinctively felt you may have done TheMC but should you choose to share the thread with your DH, thought further explanation of this perception of the mysteries of 'knowing' might benefit

jasper · 16/10/2009 16:11

I think the instinct thing is NOT reliable.

ANYWAY even if she is coming on to your DH (as your instinct suggest) it is for him to deal with,

Listen to SGB

Nantuckit · 16/10/2009 16:53

He was accused of sexual harassment, you lost all your money.

.........and yet he is still taking risks like this? So he wasn't scared out of his bloody wits by the seriousness of his situation when he was 'accused'? And of course, him being innocent of the accusation, he has no perception of how easily such 'accusations' can escalate and get out of hand???

Sorry but you are a mug.

He is repeating his pattern, only more discreetly this time. Get out.

SGB why has it got nothing to do with the OW if she is trying to fuck your partner?

If I shagged your man knowing he was with you would you blame only him? Would you come up to me in the pub and say 'God my man is a twat of the first order for succumbing to you ... No no put your hanky away it was his doing entirely. What a wanker. Well done for exposing him as the slapper he is..let me buy you a pint girfriend.'?

Maybe you would.

SolidGhoulBrass · 16/10/2009 17:17

Nantucket - If I were a monogamist and the situation you describe arose, I probably would feel that you had done me a favour by exposing my hypothetical partner's dishonesty. Hypothetical you-the-seductress would be entitled to chat up or flirt with or otherwise try it on with anyone you like - it's the person who is already committed elsewhere who has to choose whether or not to cheat. Random strangers do not owe the partner of the person they fancy any loyalty, why should they? People are not property.

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2009 17:54

nantuckit, I compltely agree with the first part of your post

OP, I think you are being foolish

did he learn no lessons from the last time some "silly bint" came onto him ?

I rather feel he is the one with the problem, tbh

he probably leads these naive young girls on

once is unfortunate, twice starts to smack of someone who rather likes the drama...

Nantuckit · 16/10/2009 18:00

But SGB why then feel sorry - as you palpably and wonderfully do - for anyone who is crippled by the misery of their H having an affair etc? I mean, why are you not chastising them for marrying in the first place? And to take the logic a step forward, if the woman who is shagging the married man is herself married, THEN who is to blame? If you double it many times over then I suppose yes - you come down to the bare fact that marriage is just words and shit. Children do not need to have parents who are together in any way shape or form, so long as they are true to their sexual desires.

Or something.

We are human. being human is about respecting boundaries and others promises.

If you had a Twix and I took it from you and scoffed it, and the twix did not object (as the men in these scenarios don't - they comply, just like the twix) then would you say 'fair enough - me and the twix had a laugh but we're finished. I am going to the shop to get another twix' ?

That way emotional chaos and destruction lies surely? I may as well have random kids with random men.

Do you agree with sharia law?

ScaryFucker · 16/10/2009 18:15

do you know what, I could murder a twix...

SolidGhoulBrass · 16/10/2009 18:29

Nantuckit - you've illustrated my POV not your own. A Twix is an object, with no opinion and no free will. A person on the other hand can choose to take up an offer of sex outside the relationship to which they have agreed to remain exclusive, or they can decline. People to whom monogamy is important should choose equally monogamous partners and discuss where the boundaries in their particular relationships are going to be.
And yes, I feel sorry for people who have been betrayed and lied to by their partners, even when (in some cases) they have been making huge unwarranted assumptions about their partners' level of commitment and/or refusing to address serious problems already existing within the relationship, but it;s the lying, betraying partner who made the choice to have sex outside the exclusive relationship who is to blame more than the person outside the relationship. People who are single can and do decline offers of sex if they are not interested in the individual who is offering, it;s ridiculous to suggest that all men are incapable of maintaining any kind of control over their willies.