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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband has left me for another woman

64 replies

loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:16

My husband waited for me to go to work last week and while i was gone he packed all his belongings and took them to a flat which he had rented. I had absolutely no idea this was coming. We had known each other for 25 years and had been married for 21 of them. He told me that he could no longer live with me because it was killing him. It has since transpire that he is seeing another woman that he met at work. We have a 15 year old daughter who will be taking her gcses this year. At the moment i am not sure i can get myself through this. Any advice would be welcome as i do have a supportive family but no friends,

OP posts:
Goober · 12/10/2009 20:18

I'm so sorry for you.

He is a shit.

ScaryFucker · 12/10/2009 20:18

so sorry to hear this

some lovely wise ladies will be along soon

belcantwait · 12/10/2009 20:19

oh my goodness loughtongirl- what a terrible horrible shock for you
not sure i can offer any really good advice but didnt want your post to go unanswered. hope you find some good help and suppoort on here

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:19

thanks

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:21

Oh loughtongirl

SO sorry.

gonnabehappy · 12/10/2009 20:21

Oh Loughtongirl. I am so so sorry. Something similar happened to me last year but to have been left while you were at work. that is the most cowardly action of a man in acute midlife crisis. MLC makes people selfish I bet it is some time since he has looked after you.

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter right now. For your daughter it is well worth telling the school. Our local secondary school has some fab staff that have really helped my boys when they have needed it.

For yourself - that is harder. I just don't know what to say except you must take care of yourself. If that means having no contact at all with your husband for a while then do it.

Bloody women at work.

deleting · 12/10/2009 20:23

What a shitty way to do it. Spineless and rude. You deserve better than that. I hope you get some good advice x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/10/2009 20:24

So sorry. What a spineless excuse for a man to do it this way. Has he spoken to your daughter and is she your only child?

Glad you've got family around, but are they nearby?

Do you think he really means it? Sometimes, when affairs come out into the open, the bubble bursts a bit and all the guilt and fall-out have a nasty habit of pouring a bucket of water on illicit lovers.

Tell us a bit more of the background if you can. You'll get so much help and support on here.

mamalovesmojitos · 12/10/2009 20:25

jesus, what a little shit he is.

loughtongirl, i'm so sorry for you. gonnabehappy gives good advice - contact the school. post on here as much as it helps. take it one day at a time.

don't tell anyone but i'm sending you a hug. was this completely out of the blue?

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:26

Thank you so much for your messages of support it certainly helps talking to someone

OP posts:
seeyounexttuesday · 12/10/2009 20:27

poor you. agree - spineless. But obviously must have alot of guilt as he couldnt face you and tell you. Which IMO does give you a bit of hope if you did want him back.

SolidGhoulBrass · 12/10/2009 20:27

Is there a friend or family member who can come and stay for a few days and look after you and your DD ie see to things like meals, laundry if necessary? And field all contacts from your XH:don't communicate with him till you feel ready and get some legal advice (he has moved out so you can change the locks AFAIK). Your priorities now must be taking care of yourself and your DD. BEst of luck.

cocolepew · 12/10/2009 20:30

Spineless shit. So sorry, take care of yourself and your DD. X

hocuspontas · 12/10/2009 20:30

And check your finances. Make sure he isn't emptying your joint accounts.

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:31

He has been in touch with my daughter and she is doing really well with the situation i am so proud of her. I have no friends whers i live because in dec 2007 my husband wanted to move to a different area even though i did have doubts at the time and unfortumatly i just went along with it thinking it was the right thing to do. I moved away from my family and it is difficult just telephoning all the time.

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 12/10/2009 20:32

What a horrible, horrible shock. How awful for you to come home to that.

I was the same age as your DD when our dad got found out. It was a horrible horrible time for us all. For a while it hurt like hell. For a while my mum went off the rails a little, but I was able to take the reins for her for a little while, making sure she ate etc, taking turns with my sister to stay in so she wasn't alone every weekend etc.

Is there anything particularly you'd like advice on?

So far what is your DH saying about mortgage, house bills etc? Do you have that agreed yet?

Can you suggest he agrees to pay all these for the foreseeable future? Until you are both in the correct frame of mind to discuss everything else.?

It was all many many years ago now of course, and both of my parents have remarried. Of course I don't particularly like either of the add-ons, but it's their life.

You and your DD will get through this. I was never particularly close to my mum before my dad left, but him leaving has meant that we really got to know one another over the years, and I now see her out of choice almost everyday. There are silver linings to everything, even if it will be a while before you can see them.

Hang on in there, it will get better and you will survive this. It'll make you stronger.

Thinking of you, you are not alone, keep posting and we'll all be here for you.

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:38

At the moment he says he is going to pay all the bills but you just know that when he can no longer afford to have a nice cosy little life with her we will be the first ones to be hit. He does earn good money and so does she i have a part time job in sainsburys. Any one got any idea where i stand legally with the house that is in joint names

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 12/10/2009 20:43

My Dad agreed to pay all mortgage and housebills for 18 months. And he did.

If he were a real man, he'd do what my dad did, sign the house over to you. 100% yours. but i realise that's rare.

I think it's beyond reason for a cheating man to abandon his wife of over 20 years and force her to sell the house and give him half. But he can't do anything without your agreement and/or court decision.

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:48

Any one got any suggestions on how to get my self out of the house and meeting new friends

OP posts:
countingto10 · 12/10/2009 20:50

Having been through this recently, DH left me six months ago for OW but left her after 6 weeks and returned to marital home about 4 weeks after that, I would say you need to take control straightaway, see a solicitor so you know where you stand legally, pack all his stuff in bin bags and make him collect them, etc. Little things like changing any answerphone message to from you and your DD, anything so that he knows that you are taking control and he is not going to call the shots.

Take care of yourself, get your hair done, buy some new clothes etc. Go out with girlfriends. Make an appointment at Relate as well, just for you to help get things straight in your head.

It was only when I started to show my DH that I was in control that he suddenly realised what he was going to lose. We are still a work in progress, definitely not out of the woods yet but we are getting there.

You will have to decide what you want as well, you may not want him back, but if you do all of the above whatever you chose to do you will fill better. You are in terrible shock atm so give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 20:57

I know that i am in shock at the moment but i know there is absolutley no route back i dont want to just sit here and feel sorry for myself i need to take action but i am not sure how to start getting a social life.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 12/10/2009 20:58

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anothermum92 · 12/10/2009 21:03

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Original poster
loughtongirl · 12/10/2009 21:04

He has told me that he had started to like her from about October 2008 shortly after gaining a promotion and being moved to a different office but says he had not done anything about it until about 6 weeks ago

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 12/10/2009 21:05

Loughton? As in Essex? Is that were you are living right now? I'd meet up with you if you were closer

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