Its all broken. I can't keep sticking plasters on this can I?

[goldyfish]

This is a real muddle, I'm sorry.
During a lovely meal today with friends I sat and watched how they interacted, their love and affection for each other subtle yet obviously strong after 20 yrs of marriage. Something I have noticed a lot recently with other friends.

DH, in contrast, was the opposite.
We live parallel lives.
DH has a really good job and travels abroad a lot. He is very clever and respected in his industry and works very hard and has amazing perks too.
But at home I find him very bad tempered and resentful. He clearly doesnt love me and I doubt he even likes me much anymore after 17 years.
I asked him tonight if its so bad why is he still with me? He shouted he really didnt know. I cant discuss anything with him. He shouts and rants then leaves the room.

But when I ask him exactly what I do wrong I only hear lack of ironing, not working and bringing in any income (I am sahm to toddler) and that I have no respect for him.

Eldest dd12 says life without him is calmer and happier when he is working away. I hate that they are so supportive of me when they should be just being little still. they stick up for me in rows. Not good.

I have had quite a bit of involvement from my GP this time last year as I was ill from stress and he sussed what was going on, but havent gone back.Gp said it was mental abuse and I had some counselling but I stopped all of it this summer as I decided to really try to make the marriage work.

But I know its not. I am so sad and confused. I thought being a grown up meant you had the answers.

I cant imagine how I would cope though with 3 kids, no career and certainly no money.
Its all such a mess. Where do I start?

WhenwillIfellnormal, am now reading that other thread. Its definitely not me. She says she is well groomed and glamorous.

goldyfish ..i was sad most of the time when i was at home. I felt empty,unloved,and slightly worried as he was always home late.

He never wanted to talk to me for at least an hour after he got home,as he said he needed to wind down from work...even though he often smelled as if hed already wound down with a swift pint at the pub.
Even when we did talk, i felt as if i was treading on eggshells with any conversation. I used to say lets talk at the weekend..but then there was the golf and i was left alone with babies yet again.
Sex stopped as i was convinced he was sleeping with someone else and then things went from bad to worse. I tried so hard to please him,by cooking fantastic meals as an appreciation of his hard work,i kept the house immaculate and supported him in every way i could..but it all seemed to boil down to the SEX issue.He never appreciated that i wanted to talk in the evenings about my day with the kids,it was always about how hard HE worked and how stressful his job was...BUT he thrived on the stress. So we split up and it was the best thing to stop all the rows and bickering for all our sakes...we were like matches and firewood.
We are now really, really good friends and the seperation was totally amicable and still is. In fact we are better friends than lovers.( we werent married,he lived with me for 8 years...but we were as good as married)

I actually paid him to go out of my savings, so that he could make a new start.

Alypaly, I'm glad youre happy now.
Oh how I know the eggshells feeling. The whole story is so familiar
and I do feel so empty. Then I feel guilty as there are so many worse things in the world I feel I am being over indulgent with pity for myself.

When he makes an effort with me or the kids, it makes me glow. I think we could be happy ever after. It just is glimmers of hope though.

Please dont grasp at straws just because of the money....ultimately the materialistic side is not enough. I though my ex and i would be forever......but the grass always seemed greener on the other side to him...TIL he got there and funnily enough after 14.5 years he wants to come back. Hmmmmm whats that all about. I still love him...but no way would i go back even though alot of him was what i wanted and needed.

Goldyfish, my story is very similar to yours, with a similar sounding H. I think I'm a few years behind you on the same path and have finally just grabbed the get out card myself.

It's brought a mixture of terror and relief, but ultimately, I realised I don't need to be stuck with this situation any more. I realised that if I were single there would actually be the potential for meeting someone else, if I'd stayed with H it would have been a life sentence with someone who could barely bring himself to kiss me goodbye as he left for days away at work. There did turn out to be another woman in this case though, even though I wondered when he'd had the time!

I really feel for you. If you know deep down what you want (and it sounds as if you do) then be brave, take a deep breath and have faith that there is happiness out there waiting for you.

tiredoftherain ......... its a big step isnt it, but it is worth it in the end to get away from the mistrust and bickering

Thank you.
Still here and soaking up the advice. He's been away so peaceful house. Back tonight.

Goldyfish, same here! I enjoy my own space now and dread him coming back tbh. Think I will be heading to bed early so I can avoid him. Hopefully it won't be for much longer now anyway, and I can have my own little house and get it feeling lovely and cosy.

Goldyfish you and alypaly could be explaining my ex.
I knew in my heart I had to get out a long long time before I did. I very nearly married him wedding was booked and planned but that was my kick in the rear I just couldn't do it to myself, him or the children.
I did walk, he fell apat and the emotional abuse got much much worse and at one point I had him arrested.
It was the single hardest thing I have even done in my life to walk away and stay away there were times when it would have been so much easier to go back again but i'm so glad I had the strength inside me not to.

I'm married now to someone else and the contrast between the 2 relationships is huge. I am finally loved and respected and an equal partner in this home and relationship.
It has at times made me feel sad that the realtionship with the children's father couldn't have been the same but we are all happier now.
Even down the line my ex is we get on ok, can chat he has called for advice on work matters bcause I know his work and know him better than anyone.

You will (and I am saying will because I believe you will) walk away one day.
Might take you a while but you will because it is obvious in your heart of hearts you nkow it needs to happen for your own physical and mental health.
You can and will only do it when you're ready, my epiphany was a wedding coming up I realised the wedding would be good but the marriage would be hell on earth.
One day your epiphany will happen and you will wake up and realise you have the strenth to walk away and when you do we'll all be here.
{{{{hugs}}}}

Goldyfish, how are things?