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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is so hard

31 replies

strength · 11/10/2009 10:06

This is my first post although have been lurking for a while using everyone's advice on other threads to try to sort my life out. I know what I am doing is the right thing to do for the time being but shit, it is so hard.

Basically found out my p was having an affair a few weeks ago, he made noises about wanting us to continue, but I ended things immediately. We have baby dts and I could not believe that he would have done this to them let alone me. Plus he has been absolutely crap with them and horrid to me since they were born and I have done practically everything myself whilst he moans about doing anything and has wanted to keep living his pre-kids life. I can't bring myself to write down some of the awful things he said/did before I discovered the affair. It is all so humiliating.

There is no chance that I want any kind of reconciliation. The problem is that the house is his and since he realised that I would not give him another chance he has turned into a monster and has been trying to chuck us out as he wants his 'space.' I am a SAHM, so have no finanicial security. I have had to put up with loads of verbal abuse and him screaming in my face once babies in bed. He says he never wanted the kids (they were planned and much discusssed btw), regrets having them. Also, says our relationship, has been crap for years so my fault that he has had affair etc etc.

I have sought legal action and the lawyer says I must try to stay in the house for the moment but that is my problem. Those of you who have done this in similar circumstances, how did you manage? I have to watch him swanning off on dates with the OW one minute and have him screaming at me the next. Then he does quite frankly bizarre things like trying to get into bed with me and cuddle me!!!!! Is he nuts???? I hate him. Just looking at him makes me feel sick but so that the atmosphere is not awful for babies I have to get through the days by being civil and trying not to loose it.

I feel like I am going to crack this morning having had to hear him on the phone being all charming to the OW and then rushing off to meet her drowned in aftershave.

Sorry I am going on but my head is a mess with trying to work out mine and the babies future. Feel so gutted for them and to have given tham such an horrendous dad. Feel ridiculous for not seeing this coming and realising his capacity for awfulness.

Not sure that I should even be posting on here as what if he reads it? Thanks for taking the time to read this. I just wish that I didn't sound so pathetic. Pre-babies I would have left the second I found everything out but now I am trapped as as just want to do the right thing for dts...

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 11/10/2009 10:10

Oh poor you.
How old are your DT's?
Do you have family/friends nearby for support?
I am so sorry that you are going through this, hopefully someone will be along who can offer good pratical advice, I just didn't want to let your post go unanswered.

Original poster
strength · 11/10/2009 10:15

Thanks Ll, they are 9mths and gorgeous and they keep me going. They certainly don't deserve this mess.

OP posts:
colditz · 11/10/2009 10:21

Have locks changed while he is out.

Having another woman is NOT reasonable behavior and you should not be expected to have him living in the same house - and as he says he doesn't want the babies - it's your house, because children stay in the family home.

colditz · 11/10/2009 10:23

Are you not married? And it is his house?

He is actually screaming in your face while your children are asleep upstairs?

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I am sorry you are having to deal with such an unbearable cunt.

Lizzylou · 11/10/2009 10:24

Can she do that if they are not married, Colditz?
Have you sought any legal advice at all Strength?

itsmeolord · 11/10/2009 10:24

Why has your solicitor told you to stay in the house?
Am assuming you are not married? If so, you can pay around £80 to put a caution against the deeds on the house to register your interest \and you can move out.
My partner did this when he split with his ex about 7 years ago.
He had paid the mortgage, she didn't work or contribute financially to the house but the mortgage was solely in her name as her father had arranged the mortgage for them when she fell pregnant. (all very bizarre in my opinion).
Anyhoo, he got a caution against the deeds and when she put the house up for sale a couple of years later she had to pay him a percentage of the equity.

Have you spoken to a benefits advisor to see what you are entitled to? Surely if you are not together you need to support yourself financially and you will require housing benefit etc.

What exactly is the solicitor doing at the moment? What is his/her aim?

itsmeolord · 11/10/2009 10:25

You can't change the locks. It doesn't work like that.

Lizzylou · 11/10/2009 10:25

Duh, you said you had a solicitor, sorry.

Have you anywhere you could go?

EcoMouse · 11/10/2009 10:26

Ring social services, they can advise and support. Make clear to them his abusiveness towards you and in front of DT's. It's a difficult situation but not impossible. Don't lose hope there are always options.

EcoMouse · 11/10/2009 10:32

Sorry, x posted, colditz link is better still than direct communication with social services. They can help and will.

Your solicitor may have advised to stay in the home but they often work from a strictly legal perspective, not accounting for the real impact of living in such a situation.

You could have some claim on the house, you might prefer to cut your losses.

itsmeolord · 11/10/2009 10:32

Sorry, I don't understand why you are advising the op to ring social services. They will advise the op to leave immediately if she is being verbally abused and she will be kept on their radar for a long while. I don't think the op needs the extra stress at the moment.

Womensaid for support and solicitor for legal advice. Benefits advisor for financial planning. Council for housing issues.

itsmeolord · 11/10/2009 10:33

crosspost.

Original poster
strength · 11/10/2009 10:37

Dts up from their nap and into everything at the mo. Ds chewing wire on baby monitor!!... Ok, danger averted. Unfortunately I live abroad so laws may be different. He has the right to chuck us out apparently but has to pursue through courts. Solicitor has written to him about us having mediation to sort out the suituation. He has not replied yet but thankfully has been much less abusive since receiving the letter. He wants us back in the uk though so that we are out of his way. I think it is so that he can pretend we never happened. He is all over the place. Sometimes he says he loves the children, then sometimes says he cannot have a relationship with them until the are 5???? Now they are just a part of me as are so young. He can't separate us apparently and I am evil for making his life so difficult by not moving out.

Thanks for responding so quickly eveyone.

OP posts:
itsmeolord · 11/10/2009 10:42

Why are you staying?

He is making it clear that he doesn't want to be a part of your lives, you will eventually have to leave the house anyway, why on earth are you prolonging it?

If you come back to the uk do you have family support here?
I would think that would be a better option, you can move on and have a decent life without this arse screaming in your face.

colditz · 11/10/2009 10:50

Oh just go home to the UK. He's not going to change his mind, sweetheart - he's dicking someone else. He's been as clear as he can be that he's going to be a shit dad - go back to where you are going to get some form of support (even if it is only the support of a Surestart group - I find them invaluable) and try, try to forget him.

Sounds like the best part of that man ran down his dad's leg

EcoMouse · 11/10/2009 10:53

itsme, I posted about social services because my experience of them has been very different to your perception, helpful rather than a hinderance. I do think women's aid are better still

Strength, do you want to move back to uk?

jmacon · 11/10/2009 10:55

Just want let you know that I am in a situation of abuse whilst living away from the uk. Hope you find the strength whilst yourlovely babies are young enough not to remember. x

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 11/10/2009 11:01

OH love, you are abroad, and going through all this?

Do you have any friends or family, that you could stay with until you find somewhere to live. Is DH British?

Get out, please, for the love of god, get yourself on a plane and come home.

If nothing else, you need time to think, to reathe and somewhere familiar.

Having done the strained relationship abroad, and I went through some horrific scenes, even if our situations and problems were different to yours, I know that there is nothing worse than being in another country going through this to make you feel utterly isolated.

Hmm, just a thought, when I was abroad there were expat forums, like expatfocus and expatexchange.

There may be a community in the country that you are in, someone may have similar experiences, or at least someone may be able to help you get out. I only had one DS, and he was mobile, but in my darkest darkest moments, I knew that I couldn't even get a cab to anywhere let alone the 3 hour trip to the airport.

Come home love.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 11/10/2009 11:05

His behaviour sounds appalling.

If he has suggested you move back with the DTs then I think you should do that. Get his written concent to take your babies out of the country NOW, because it will be an even worse situation if you end up stuck in a foreign country with not support and unable to bring your children back to the UK.

Original poster
strength · 11/10/2009 11:06

I am not staying because I want the relationship to continue. Definitely not. It is his loss not mine. I know that 100%. I just wanted to ensure that he provides financially for his children and that is what I am trying to sort out. I have always lived independently and provided for myself up to this point and want to do so in the future. However, the children are also his and am I wrong to think that he should put his hand in his pocket? I can't bear the thought of him living some flash single guy lifestyle while we struggle.

Maybe I am wrong to stay to try to achieve this. Maybe you are right itsmelord. I am so confused. I have also been hoping that he would wise up and become a better dad as I want my children to have a good dad. They deserve it. perhaps it's a lost cause. I am trying to decide whether to move back to the uk. In just a few weeks my situation has changed dramatically and I think I am still getting my head round it. It is hard to walk out with a baby dt under each arm which is also probably why I am still here. Thanks again for giving me your perspectives. It is helping.

OP posts:
MaggieBehave · 11/10/2009 11:21

I would definitely have the locks changed. I applaud your strength btw.

I was in similar circs in the UK and came home to Ireland after about 5 years of verbal, physical and financial abuse. LUCKILY I wasn't married to him, so although his name was on the birth cert, the second I hit Irish soil he didn't have as many rights. HE still tried to have me ordered back to the uk and charged with abduction and breaking the law under the terms of the Hague convention... BUT it didn't work.

I really admired your strength because it is the most isolating thing in the world to be treated like an incompetent employee, a bold dog... for years and years and not even have your mum or dad nearby to prop you up! Even if they don't know they're propping you up, or why....

I've been abused by the likes of snorbs on this website for taking my children from their 'habitual domicile' back to my home country and to the extended network of brothers, my parents, little cousins and familiarity of a supportive community. I would just have been some lonely Irish single mother if I'd stayed in the UK. ANd I knew my x would never give us a penny, so we'd have been broke. Permanently. It wouldn't have got better.

THis is just my advice, and plenty of people will come along to shout me down and tell me I am wicked blah dee blah dee blah. But I was a husk, nothing more than ashes BECAUSE of the way my x had treated me. He had his chance to have family life and he made a total mess of it.

So I took the choice to replace poverty and tension with comfort and support. Even if I did 'violate the terms of the hague convention'. BUt a few sessions wiht a solicitor and we got around it. Mysolicitor gave me good advice. Your children are only 9 months old, so domicile isn't fixed at this point. Also, judges are beginning to be able to differentiate between mothers who are returning to their home country for the support of their extended family, and mothers who are jetting off to australia with a new lover, taking their kids with them. At the moment, legally these things appear the same on paper, but I'm told by my solicitor that there is now a shift. Judges (some, not all) are not just applying the hague convention without looking at the particulars.

If you do go home to your family, go quickly before the children are one. I was 'lucky' in that my x had been financially abusing me so I was backed in to a financial canyon with nowhere to go and no money when I got there. my name wasn't on the house, i'd no job, no savings, so although I no I had no choice to go back to my home country and take the support of my family, I still get into bed every night and think PHEW!!! I'm so glad to be back. It was hard at first, the adjustment, and facing everying one, knowing that they knew the muddle I'd made of things. But I am over that now and just so grateful I got out.

Hth.

mx

MaggieBehave · 11/10/2009 11:22

itsmelord I wish I'd known that. After 8 years with my x and him talking me out of returning to my job and using my savings for things around his expensive house, I left with nothing.

It's a shame BUT......... not sure I could have faced a battle with him.

MaggieBehave · 11/10/2009 11:22

itsmelord I wish I'd known that. After 8 years with my x and him talking me out of returning to my job and using my savings for things around his expensive house, I left with nothing.

It's a shame BUT......... not sure I could have faced a battle with him.

Original poster
strength · 11/10/2009 11:32

Thanks Maggie. You know exactly how I feel and I really appreciate you taking the time to write a long response. I do feel stupid and baulk at the thought of facing everyone and really don't like the fact that that my family will have to help me sort out my mess. They are great and being really supportive but I hate to impose on their lives so much. I am used to surviving alone and solving my problems myself, this one is just too big.

Must go now as dts are climbing the walls and want to go out xx

OP posts:
Darkdreamer · 11/10/2009 11:57

Strength. Get out come back to the UK. If he's saying he wishes he never had the children, I bet you he will do everything he can to get out of paying any kind of maintenance!! If your family help you and support you in anyway take the help, that's what families are for!! Don't feel guilty in anyway for the way things have turned out, it's all his doing he's just trying to justify his actions by blaming you. And remember he may end up living the single lifestyle and having money to splash around etc. But you will always have something far greater, the unconditonal love of your children, his actions will deny him of ever having that!!!

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