How do I deal with DH's drunken temper?

[BitUpset]

DH and I have been together for almost 4 years. He's always been a bit volatile when he's been very drunk, which doesn't happen very often. But recently it just seems to be a bit worse.

When he's had any more than about four pints he becomes very sensitive to any form of argument or criticism from me, so that it ends in him shouting at me on the way home, which is very embarrassing and a bit unsettling. By argument I mean any form of disagreement at all, really minor stuff. He blows it up so that it's impossible to discuss it and I'm just left with him yelling.

This happened last week and he got himself so angry (about what, even he couldn't explain) that he slept on the couch for the first time ever. I felt stunned and cold inside and have not really felt the same since, it's been on my mind.

Tonight we went out for the first time since. All fine, he probably had about five pints which is about the most he ever has in one night. On the way home we agreed he would feed the cats while I put the dinner in the oven. When we came in he squirted some fresh food on top of the old food in the cats' bowls and walked off. We always wash all the food and water bowls twice a day. I said if he didn't want to feed them he should have asked me to do it. I picked up the water bowls to wash them and he stormed back in, started shouting at me about how I was always second-guessing him, slammed the kitchen door shut terrifying me, the cats and the neighbours and shut himself in to the living room. He then came back and did the same again.

I went through to the living room to tell him if he was doing this he would be sitting on his own tonight and may be sitting on his own for more than that, and he told me to fuck off. I honestly have not done anything more than said that tipping new food onto old did not count as seeing to the cats.

I have now shut myself into the bedroom with the computer, Saturday night ruined. I don't know what to do. Is this normal after a couple of pints - should I just work on getting him to stop after two drinks or is this his real self coming through? I have never considered being without him but this behaviour repels me. This shouting and slanging is just not me and not what I am willing to put up with. His family all drink excessively and have soap opera-style dramas but he was never like that, until now.

BTW we have no DC, we were are TTC. And normally I love him and want nothing more than to have a family with him. This is really really crap.

it's not about whether he is an alcoholic - its about him being a shouty, aggressive, door slamming, wall punching prick when he has had a few shandies.

Can you live with that? would you want your child to live with that?

I hate people who are arses when drunk. If you become an arse and abusive if you have too much to drink, don't drink that much. You need to have a talk.

Well, my opinion is that whatever he was drinking doesn't suit him, and he has been an arse, and is perfectly capable of not drinking that and being a dick. Especially if you make it clear that it's a deal breaker.

Don't be terrified, just talk to him in the morning, and tell him the babymakin's off til he drinks less.

(I'm personally not convinced he sounds like the kind of guy that has a 'monster within'. I think there's quite a leap from 'numpty drinks strong lager and tells his girlfriend to fuck off about cat food' to 'drunk and abusive father'.)

I do need to tell him that, I have never actually said to him that he gets like that because he's drunk too much. He's just apologised profusely the next day when he's come to his senses. I have told him how much it pisses me off but he's never tried to explain why he's been like that. It has only happened three or four times in nearly four years, it's just that the last twice have been within the last week and a half.

Suppose I won't get anywhere now though, he's still huffing away in the living room so I guess I'll take advantage of the fact that I took the bedroom as my space and go to bed.

This is awful for you, bitupset, it's not surprising you feel traumatised...it's almost as if he hit you isn't it?

He's quite likely to be stressed out about the ttc, and the M/C and the pressure and the worry of wanting a baby. Understandable of course.

However, if he is unable to control these rages, after a few drinks, what will happen later on in your marriage, when you have young children, and you are both stressed, under pressure and/or worried?

Because worry and stress happen. And will happen again.

I think you need to talk to him maybe tomorrow. You need to see what his take is on this.

How much responsibility is he willing to take for his behaviour, how much does he blame on you, how much does he justify himself? What are his plans for dealing with it? Does he feel you asked for it as you nagged about the catfood?

Think about his answers.

Come back here for support.

Glad you said that picmaestress, I really don't think that he would do this when we have children, he's very understanding of his own friends bowing out of the social scene when they have babies. We just had an evening out with a couple we haven't seen for a bit.

He's even gone all healthy with me and taken up jogging for TTC purposes and we have been avoiding alcohol for most nights of the week.

I will tell him tomorrow that he needs to take responsibility for the way that amount of drink makes him behave and stop doing it or I will have to seriously think about us. He's not stupid enough to lose me and our potential DC for lager. I am his DW btw!

Might show him this thread so he can see how he has made me feel.

Thanks mumonthenet. At the moment it will be all my fault but tomorrow no doubt he will be all sorries! But it has to be the last time.

Thanks to everyone who has responded.

I'm not sure I'd be making the jump from 'drink taken, one dp tells the other to fuck off following a failure to follow SOP re: cat feeding' to 'obvious future batterer of wife & terrorizor of future children', to be honest.

What I would be doing - when he's slept it off - is saying: 'Strong lager obviously makes you arsey, I don't appreciate being told to fuck off, thanks very much, so don't be doing it again'.

& then I'd let him work it out.

Either he behaves better after 5 pints OR he drinks weaker pints OR he has fewer of them: whatever works, in that he doesn't act like an aggressive twat to you (or in the future, to your dc) ever again.

It's got to come from him. If it's you saying 'No more Krusovice!' or whatever, there's no responsibilty resting with him.

OTOH, if he is anything but contrite (OK, initially sulky) about his behaviour, then I would be hearing alarm bells.

Goodo. Go and get some nice kip!

(ps I'd be wary about showing or telling him about this thread. In my experience most chaps don't like their personal experiences being shared )

Some people just react like crap to alcohol... My sister is one of them also my DP and a good friend of mine.. the problem is that they dont see it as a problem

My DH is a bit like this,usually when he has mixed red wine and guiness(cant spell)but can be a moody swine when sober also and lose his temper over the slightest little thing.
been together 6 years now and have found no way of stopping it I'm afraid and has got increasingly worse since we had the baby,please dont put up with it like I have,I should have nipped it in the bud years ago-told him to stop drinking altogether

Good point, will keep this thread between me and cyberspace.

Have namechanged so he won't see it if I don't show him. Not that he searches MN for my posts, but he is aware of my harmless little habit.

I feel better now thanks to MN wisdom. Hopefully a talk tomorrow morning will put things back on track, with less lager and lots of fault-taking on his part. Can't really contemplate the alternative!

i dont think you can tell him to stop, just ignore, dont rile him, remind him not too much,
or leave.

does he have not temper at all when sober?

No hardly ever, we have the odd argument but I can see where those come from and we sort them out pretty quickly. It's only occasionally when he's drunk that he does this blowing up out of nowhere.

It's only drink that does it, but most of the time drink doesn't have that effect, IYSWIM. Ignoring/not riling is hard because I don't actually have to do anything really to set him off, when he does it. I went in and looked at him on the sofa just now and he didn't say anything, just looked at me a bit sheepishly. He hasn't come through yet though and I think I can hear snoring, so he can't be that devastated!

Bitupset, please try and sort it out with him, I spent seventeen and a half years trying not to upset my H when he had had a few too many to drink, I would leave parties early on my own with the dc to avoid confrontation with him.

The first time I realised he had a problem was just before we got married, I mentioned maybe he had had enough and he threw a glass at a wall. There were many occasions over the years that I should have stood up and got his problem sorted, but I didn't know how, earlier this year we seperated after yet another incident.

So please get help now, I wish I had acted sooner.

I'm just worried what will happen if I say all this to him, he agrees, which he probably will, then goes and does it again in a couple of weeks.

But I have to try anyway, he knows he's really pushed it this time as I've been shut in the bedroom for the last 2.5 hours.

MrsBoogie and Colditz are right. He is doing a huge favour by showing his true colours now before there's a baby in the mix. His drinking is causing a problem between the two of you, it's a habit he's not willing to change despite knowing how horrible he is when he's drunk -- his drinking is more of a priority to him than you are, sorry. This is what alcoholics do.

Bitupset

What to you is an alcoholic person?.

Also his family are excessive drinkers, this is learnt behaviour on his part. He's likely grown up seeing people drink heavily. It can make such people become alcohol dependent themselves. He may well apologise for his behaviour - till the next time he does the very same. If he can get angry over feeding the cats, imagine what he'd be like with a newborn baby who cries.

You cannot fix him nor should you attempt to.
You cannot make him seek help or even begin to accept the affects that alcohol has on him when he is in denial himself about what his drinking does to you.

Do not have a child with him and stop ttc, it is unfair to bring a child into this situation. A child will not make this underlying problem between you better.

You need to remember the 3cs:-

YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT
YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT
YOU CANNOT CURE IT

And as for your comment:-
"Well hopefully he would not be going out on the piss if we had a baby, I wouldn't accept him doing that".

That is a triumph of hope over experience. He would still go out on the piss if you were to have a baby. This is denial on your part. You're already accepting this by still being around afterwards. Where are his consequences for his actions?.

I would look into talking to Al-anon actually as you are being affected already by his drinking and behaviours afterwards. Al-anon help family members of problem drinkers. Your H has a problem. You may think that is unpalatable but you need to face what is an increasingly volatile situation.

Bitupset

What's the longest period of time he has gone without any alcohol?.

Would also be making your house an alcohol free one. Do not drink alcohol with him anywhere.

I agree, fix the alcohol problem before you have a baby.

Because what you described is a problem, even if it doesnt happen very often.
There are millions of men who either dont drink 5 pints, or dont fly into a rage when they do.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)

Don't panic, he isn't necessarily an alcoholic. Remember that you haven't spelt it out to him, and most 'problem drinkers' are in denial about their drinking and need it pointing out. I'm not sure how you haven't already though?

If he has any decency he'll take on board what you say about the effect it has and modify his behaviour, but he won't necessarily. My best friend's H has recently chosen drinking over his wife and kids. He says 'don't be that person' but he needs to be the person who modifies his own behaviour. You don't want to be 'that person' and nor should you have to.

FWIW DH has his own complicated relationship with alcohol. He finds it hard to stop so if he has been drinking either sleeps on the sofa or straight to bed - I don't talk to him. I never go out drinking with him (easy now we have DS!) but never would. Don't be so sure he wouldn't be drinking excessively with a newborn either. That will need to be spelled out to him too.

Good luck. I doubt he's awake yet but when his hangover has worn off a bit this needs thrashing out.

I agree with kat ? when my DP has had a drink, even one or two pints, I am sweet and nice and lovely and make no demands. The idea of asking my DP to do the most basic chore after a drink ? no way. He would do it if he wanted but asking would be quite likely to lead to arguments.

He goes out with his friends every couple of weeks and when he comes home I am nice, friendly and loving. If he's been out of order by not telling me properly when he'll be back (eg. "I'll be back for my tea at 7 and I'll put DD to bed" translates to wobbling back legless at 2am) I wait till he's in the paranoid stage of hungover (although not still drunk) and give him a rocket then.

IMO, once drink is involved (even in the lightest way ? you've had one as opposed to none), drink is the problem. Drink brings out anger that could be buried very deep, and doesn't necessarily point that anger in the right direction. This is regardless of how many he's had or how many he's used to having. I certainly find that time of the month/food eaten/how work is going/tiredness all have a massive effect on what alcohol does to me. I am 40, you may be quite a bit younger, but I've also found as I get older drink has a much stronger effect and I have been on quite a journey since my student "10 bottles of Pils a night" days to my current consumption of "a centimetre of vodka in a long drink once a week". Any more than that affects my sleep, skin, digestion, moods, concentration?.

The most pernicious thing about drink is how so many people think "it's no big deal because everybody does it". Wrong. It's a strong, addictive drug, and if people use it, then their behaviour will significantly change while they are under its influence. This is why the drink-driving laws are as they are ? a small amount affects people strongly in ways they aren't consciously aware of.

And if I haven't been draconian enough, I think that 5 pints is quite a lot. It would take my DP a whole evening to drink 5.

Sort the drink out. If you are TTC I would recommend giving it up. He could be a long way from chemical dependence, but social dependence is somewhat different. If you or he have trouble doing this, this could indicate a problem. I have known quite a few people who think they don't have any sort of drink problem, but when you say "try giving it up for a month" they turn pale, the thought of going without even from Monday to Thursday horrifies them.

Best of luck.

This is the first chance I've had to get back on.

He came into bed during the night and we spoke this morning. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he has been feeling upset about both his family (who are not great in general, there's no specific problem that's worse now) and the upcoming non-due date which is today.

He says he's normally able to cope with his family just by accepting how they are but they've been getting to him more and more. Luckily they live quite far away so we don't see them very often.

It does make sense as he's only done this three or four times in nearly four years, with the last twice in the last week and half, so it backs up his saying that he's been worried about stuff recently.

So there are two issues, how he's dealing with these things that upset him and the fact that too much to drink makes him unable to control his feelings about it.

He has agreed half heartedly that he should have no more than three drinks max on any day. We don't drink during the week any more since TTC. He says it's not the drink that's the problem but the way he's dealing with these issues. I say the drink is a good place to start but he thinks that is only a minor part of the problem.

He drank the five pints over about five hours so it wasn't like he was downing them. We have both been fine with not drinking during the week. He doesn't go out on the piss with his friends now (hardly ever) so I don't see why he would when we have DC.