So how did/does your relationship with your father affect you/your life?

[Listmaker]

Following on from the thread about our relationships with our mothers (of which there have been a few) I'd like to start one about our relationship with our Dads as there seem to be fewer of them (sorry if I am repeating something though!)

My Mum and I have an almost perfect relationship but with my Dad it's been more tricky I'd say. My Mum used to say I could wrap him round my little finger if I tried but I never felt like that at all. I felt I had to be really good at school and work hard all the time to please him. He has never complimented me about the way I look or anything. He comes from the school that if you praise kids too much they become conceited and arrogant so you have to keep them grounded.

I think this made me pick men who were hard to please and I have picked some crap ones!! I'm finally out of that cycle now but it's taken til i was 40. Luckily my Mum gave me enough confidence for 2!! So after a while with the crap men I turned round and said I'm out of here and dumped them which gave them a shock!

Once I got to university he let up on me a bit because I'd achieved his main aim and things are fine between us but we don't really communicate hugely - talk about work or money but not personal things. I know he loves me and that he is the way he is and that's it.

My dds have no contact with their father and I worry how that will affect them. Anyone got any experience to share on that? I now have a lovely dp and I hope we will marry and they will get a wonderful step-father who will make it up to them a bit.

So what is/was your relationship like with your Dad and how has that affected your self-esteem/relationships etc?

Me and my dad have quite a special relationship as I had to fight to be allowed to live with him when my parents divorced when I was 11/12. I love him more than anything (well not my kids but ykwim)

We don't talk on the phone every day or anything like that but I know he loves me and would do anything for me, and that at the end of the day if I needed him he'd be there in a flash.

I agree that it makes it hard to find a partner to live up to my dad and I certainly haven't managed that at all.

My parents divorced when i was 2. I saw my daddy every weekend til I was 5, when mum decided to take me away so we couldn't see each other.

Finally when I was 13 my mum decided I was allowed to see him. So it was arranged for him to go to his dads (my grandads) He didn't know he was seeing me again.

But he never turned up.

The next time I saw him...the first time in 9 years.... was when I saw his coffin in front of me at the crematorium.

It affects me deeply. I think about him every day. Even though I hardly knew him, I miss him and what could have been. There is a huge gap in my life which only he could fill, but the gap will never be filled.

HD I didn't have any pre-conceived ideas of what I wanted!! I try to be objective to my dds about their Dad and will really try and explain everything to them when they are old enough to understand because he is drinking himself into an early grave from what I can gather so he might not be around to give his side!

Flamesparrow - maybe your Dad is trying to make up for his mistakes with you. He probably feels awful about the way things went and he was leaving your mum and not you.

I feel I am doing my Dad a disservice a bit now. He has always been there for me and bailed me out many times financially etc. He's great with my dds (until golf comes on TV!). He just wasn't around a lot when I was little - work, rugby etc. I don't remember him coming to school ever for anything let alone taking me or meeting me. He left all that to my Mum. But he did his best and now I'm grown up I realise that and love him to bits. He's great fun and a rock and my parents are very happy together. My Mum was so perfect it would have been greedy to have a really hands on dad as well!

My Mum always said I needed somone liek my dad but I am a different generation and couldn't put up with the totally traditional roles they take. My new dp isn't too much like my Dad and that's a good thing for me. It was only when I stopped looking for my Dad that I met someone who's right for me and it's a more modern partnership (she says - blimey we've only been together 8 months anthing could happen yet!!).

brilliant esp not i'm older and married, I didn't realise how much my dad actually cared and got involved until we started TTC and have been having problems, it's brought the whole family closer.

my dad's v old fashiooned, but as a result has taught me very firm values, he's of the opinions that the mum is at home and nurtures, the dad is out to work and does the finances and disapline. I always go to him form finacial advise. we have the same sence of humour as well. Mum say's I can wrap him as well - but my brother does it to her so it's sixes and sevens!

the whole family unit is v v close, even with my brother we're v v close.

my dad has a lot of flaws but also some very good points. I have to say though that whenever i feel myself being like him I shudder.

ooh and he was the dad who was fighting to get me out of the tennie bobber club nights in town, when all the otehr parent's stood back and waited for them to come out.

so embaressing - but in his words it's his job to embaress us! that's his job! that and being our bank! lol.

My dad is / was rubbish. He was a very strict disciplinarian which when combined with being profoundly stupid is not a good combination. I was not an unreasonable child - my relationship with mum was /is great; she would reason with me and explain why I should / should not do a certain thing and therefore gained much more cooperation and respect from me.

Dad used to smack me too - well into my teens which I found humiliating and debasing. Unfortunately, although I don't really agree with smacking I occasionally find myself smacking my children (and regretting it afterwards) because it is so hard to unlearn.

I have few fond memories of childhood.

It has affected me thus:

• don't like men much
• I don't like anyone attempting to tell me to do anything (so rebellion against authority)
• I sometimes smack although I don't want to
• I consciously married a man who was completely different to my father
• I do lots of fun, stimulating, recreational things with my children (because dad really didn't see that I had any needs for fun / recreation as a child and did sod all about it - for example our annual holiday was to frigging Scarborough every year because my miserable old granny (his mum) lived there
• I treasure the relationship that dh is nurturing with our kids because I see that they are going to have a great dad whom they will love and respect

And if someone pulls me up on what I've written I will cyber throttle you...

(see, even talking about my dad brings out the worst in me. I really dislike him intensely)

CHILDHOOD: me and my sister were on the "at risk" register because of my dads agression and physical abuse.
He beat my mother, in front of us, he was always fighting and nearly lost his job on many occasions.
Was a biggot, agressive natured violent drinker whos family came next to last above every thing.
He led my mother a dogs life, withheld money from her for food shopping and was an evil brutish horrible man right up until my teens.

NOW: Having had conversations with him and told him in no uncertain terms that i remember....EVERY THING.
I have grown up making a succesful life for myself, my achievements i dont even think that he is even aware of half of them.
He is in his 50's now, he is calmer, rational and a nicer person to be around.
He is with a partner who he is fairy happy with, they have a baby boy who my dad is devoted to.
He no longer drinks, his world evolves around his boy and us. He is funny, good company and we have all moved on.
Mainly because of his aknowledgement of what a shit he was and how much he missed because he is experiencing such a lovely life now.
Our relationship is lovely, i/we do not look back and i have allot of time for him. No ill feelings towards him at all.
My sisters and brother however, are a different kettle of fish.

God I've had such an easy life compared to some of you and you have my full respect.

And HMC - if you want to hate your Dad you go ahead I'm far too chicken to argue!!! Sounds like he deserves it and who says you have to love someone just because they are your parent of they treat you like sh*t! I hope my dds remain indifferent to their father because he doesn't deserve their love!

God, where do I start?! I loved and adored my father. And he walked out when I was 4, my sister was 2 and my mother was pregnant with sister no 3. It's only very recently that I realised how much that affected me - I've spent a lot of my life saying 'my parents are divorced and I'm OK' but actually, an aunt told me recently that I was absolutely devastated at the time. Not that I remember this at all. He then saw us quite a lot and picked us up from school often and then, when we moved away from the city in which he lived, we saw him every other weekend so he was a big part of our lives.

Somehow my mum never slagged him off, goodness knows how, and I grew up thinking he was wonderful. He was, in a lot of ways. He was handsome, intelligent, charismatic, funny, witty and he listened to us and was open and honest and respected our opinions in a way my mum never did. My cousin says he could hold a room rapt as he told a story and it would always be very funny and fantastic entertainment. I reckon I spent from 14-30 looking for someone as good as him

Donbean and hmc, sorry you had such an awful time.

What I didn't say is that I DO think my dad leaving when I was 4 meant that I thought men did that and that if I really, really loved someone they'd probably leave me. It did make me insecure I think, and prone to many unsuitable dalliances which I knew wouldn't last but at least I could do the leaving. Interestingly, a friend's dh walked out on her and 3 children a year ago and she said the reaction from those of us whose fathers had done the same was FAR angrier and sadder than those whose fathers hadn't done it. Interesting isn't it? After all those years, it really upset me still.

Dont be sorry for me, its all turned out ok in the end.
As i say i have no ill feeling towards him at all and have a very good relationship with him now.
SO much more went on that i wont bore you with, i am genuinely surprised at myself for not bieng more affected by it all but then again i am one of these people who just gets up, brushes myself off and cracks on.

i made sure that i didnt find a partner that is on the same level as my Dad as hes a drinker and non-communicative guy whom i dont see at all. So im gald that ive found my partner (my soul mate) as he is nothing like my Dad as he is brillant with kids and so loving too XXX

My dad is great and has always been there for me. To him I am still his little girl (I am 40 by the way) and he sticks up for me all of the time and still looks after me. If my dh is working away he rings me every night at about 9.30 to make sure I am ok. He is lovely and (and to be fair so is my mum) but the relationship I have with my dad is different to the one I have with my mum and I love him to bits. I know I am very lucky and because he is so great I think I picked a husband who in some ways is like him (kind, hardworking, a real family man, humerous and loving) and I have grown up with a real positive image of men.

I just hope my girls have the relationship with their daddy that I had with mine.

My Dad is a lovely man, a really great person but he is not a good husband/"family man" and he has taken a long time to grow up. he was an only child, very spoilt and selfish and not into "family stuff".
My parents got divorced when I was 10 and he desperately still wanted to be a part of my Brothers' and I's lives...he applied for and got joint custody and he spoilt us rotten with trips out bowling/holidays etc. He is a fun. laidback man, but not a disciplinarian at all.
I have noticed that my husband is almost the opposite of my Father in many ways:
ie. he is a family man first and foremost (not swanning off down the pub or to play/manage/watch football), his wife and child come first (not himself) , he is great with money (Dad is useless)and he is great at DIY (Dad stripped wallpaper off our dining room wall and it was still bare 2 years later)!
Much as I love my Dad, I can see his shortcomings but also recognise that I have an awful lot of him in me!

My dad taught me discipline; how a woman should be treated in a relationship; not to put up with disrepectful, lazy, selfish or abusive partners (or friends); that real men love strong women; that happiness comes from within; and that self-respect is better than no respect at all.

He and Mama are still married - 41 years next week.

My parents have been married for 47 years! Not lovey dovey at all but I think they probably just get on OK these days and after so long I suppose the thought of being alone /with someone else doesn't really occur. My Dad has never been one for showing his feelings or talking about things that matter. I know he is proud of me - he said so in his father of the bride speech and he adores and is very proud of my DSs - we've just never had a really close relationship. I try to copy his good qualities - he is very tolerant of all people and is fiercely concerned with justice. He is also very loyal. Unfortunately he is now beginning to show signs of dementia which is very distressing for evryone so I guess my relationship with him is never going to get any "better"

Listmaker - You're right, my dad is trying to make amends. I know that he feels terrible about what he did (he's told my mum before). On good days I can look at the situation and feel that my stepsisters have gotten a good dad - one that they didn't have before he left to go to them... on the bad days though I have the little voice that pipes up "but did they have to have my dad?"

Saying all that - he turned up out of the blue this morning to have coffee!!!

My dad is my best friend (as well as DH of course)

My dad comes before my DH in every way, DH knows this and understands.

I have always been daddy's little girl, and as dad tells me, i always will be - even when im 90!

Cant wait to see him tomorrow - coming over for the weekend.... its only been 5 days since i saw him last but i miss him!

jessicasmummy, that's interesting to read. A lot of blokes get slated on here for being mummy's boys and putting them before their dw/dp's.

Awww JM - my relationship with my mum is like that.

oh will you all stop it with all this soppy shit

am so glad i've seen this thread as i'm feeling particularly grateful that my dad is who he is today.

He has always allowed me to be me, and that to me is what unconditional love is all about. He is a rock, someone that I can always turn to, I may not always like what he has to say, but I can count on his honesty and care for me. He has taught me how important it is to be yourself, to trust your instincts, to have antennae for danger. He has made me feel proud of my background and of being different from other people. He has taught me by example never to spend more than you have and that money doesn't buy class. He has shown me how to appreciate nature and the beauty of the world we live in (by his own appreciation and by his massive adoration of david attenborough and nature programmes).

He withstands me. No matter how I rant and rave, I cannot make my dad crumple, he is the adult in our relationship even if i'm choosing to be the child and in some ways that is the most precious gift he has given me: he is my father, he doesn't try to be my friend or my confidante or my playmate, he is my dad.

He is incredible with my son, who adores him and patient and loving towards my husband.

He has many faults: pigheadedness and repetitiveness among them.

But I honestly wouldn't change a bit of him. Above all else, my good relationship with my dad has allowed me to feel very safe and comfortable with men, and to be in the fantastic relationship i'm in with dh. I have so much to thank him for.

Today he looked after ds (19 months worth of handful) for the morning for me, so that I could do something relevant to my career path. When I got back, ds had eaten a gargantuan lunch and didn't want to come home.

How lucky am I?