Favours to other parents not returned...

[flobbleflobble]

I often do favours for other parents from dd's school - taking a child into school or on to an after school activity. Most parents never return the favours in any way - partly because work commitments make it difficult for them to. I have a particular dilemma though:

I am taking one child to an after school activity each week - collecting her from a different school to dd, taking her 5 miles to a class, then dropping her back at her own front door - which is not on my way back home. I volunteered to do this, but thought that her mother would try to return the favour at least in a small way - but nothing has been forthcoming. The mother of this child does not have restrictive work committments - she works part-time, very flexible hours and is very well off - 4 or 5 very expensive foreign holidays a year etc. I really like the child but dd is not very keen on her & would rather we didn't take her with us.

Am I being taken for a mug & should I end this arrangement mid-term? Or am I a miserable old cow?!!

Haven't read the other replies but I wouldn't do it tbh, in my book favours to do with ferrying kids/kids to tea should be returned, absolutely, and you shouldn't have to ask.

You're clearly not happy with the current situation, so you need to tell her. She probably has no idea, and you can't expect her to know. Tell her what you would like out of the arrangement and see what she says. I admit it will probably be awkward for you to bring it up as you don't want to rock the boat but at least you will feel better about bringing it up. Maybe after the chat you'll both be able to agree on a solution that is acceptable to you both.

FF, I think if it was me, I'd continue to the end of the term that she's paid for and then do it no more - putting it down to a bad experience. Or I'd ask her outright to help you out in some way.

Don't feel guilty about her dd - it's up to her mother to get her to activities etc (if there is not an agreed arrangement that both parties are happy with).

This advice really is helpful - I am not sure that I am confident enough to ask for a favour back! Like WWW, I would always be looking to return a favour myself, and if the mother is not going to volunteer anything in the way of returned favours/ thank yous - then I will just continue to the end of term and then end the arrangement.

Maybe I will tell her now that I don't want to continue after this term - but I think she will ask me why - especially if dd is continuing next term - and I will find it very hard to tell her why! I could just say that the relationship seems quite one-sided and leave it at that ...or maybe I should bottle it & invent some other reason to save face for everyone!

ask her if her dd is planning to do next term and if she could do next term's lifts for them both? if she's selfish, she will say no ... at least it will make her think!
maybe she is planning a thank you at the end of term?

You could mention towards the end of term that you're finding the arrangement harder than you thought and that it would be nice to share the load next term.

She could do the drop-off and you could do the pick-up (that way you could still get the fish and chips! ).

flobble - id stop the arrangement if you and dd want to.

I ended up with my friend (over the road type friend)'s daughter on Monday because it was a teacher training day and she had no-one to have her. Ds doesnt really like her to be honest. Anyway, I ended up dropping her at work as well as she works right by my dd's school. Within half an hour of getting back home her partner turned up at their home and stayed there in drinking and watching tv ALL DAY!!!! When I told her he was there all day she said "but he's been to work"!!!!!! But then he is an ar*E and she's an idiot!

Also i started taking a boy in dd's class to school (3 miles away) who lives round the corner from us. His mum was grateful to be fair but the lad had a bad attitude to school which I didnt want rubbing off on my ds and also I found if dd wanted to do after school stuff/go to friends etc I had to either collect him still or try and get hold of his mum - too much trouble!!!

I'd tell her that you're happy to continue as it is till the end of term, but if her DD wants to keep on at the class next term, can she shuffle her work round so that she either drops them at the class or picks them up and delivers your DD back to you afterwards?

Some people just have no idea how annoying they are being...this woman clearly has no idea how annoying this is to you, or if she does, clearly doesn't give a shit. Life is WAY too short to be wasting time getting annoyed by her. You obviously find it hard to be upfront with her, especially as it's gone on for so long...I'd tell her to sod off, but that's me. You may find it easier to let her know now that you won't be doing it next term to give her plenty of time to make alternative arrangements to get her child there. If she asks why, just say that it's been more out of your way than you anticipated and that you have to get on and do other things on that evening, and the extra driving has been delaying that. She really doesn't sound like someone that you want to be mates with, so the sooner you get out of the situation the better.
Like I said, life is way too short. She'll cope, and you'll be MUCH happier.

FF, agree that you are in a really difficult situation, but I would keep it going until the end of term. You could be disappointing the girl in question without realising how grateful SHE is.

I had a mother without a car and without a great deal of initiative on some things (not wanting to be disloyal she had a lot on her plate that she never told anyone about), and the only reason that I was able to do ballet / gym / music was because two other mums very very kindly took me. For years. I am MOST grateful to them now, and I am the one sending them birthday / Christmas / Get Well cards. So don't underestimate the long-term gratitude of a child!

However, I know that these things can be a pain in the proverbial if you think that another adult is taking advantage of you.

My current thinking is that I think I may as well stop the arrangement sooner rather than later as far as the mother is concerned - I won't find it any easier in a few weeks time - but I know that the little girl loves this class and I would be sorry to be the cause of her having to stop! And I really like this kid, and she likes me. But if she and dd don't hit it off, and if us mothers aren't really going to be friends, then I can't see how this girl & I can continue to be friends on our own! But this fact makes me feel sad

However, I think it is true that her mother could take her to the class herself if she rescheduled a little of her work time (we are talking 2 hours) onto her other free days. I have been waiting 8 weeks for a returned favour now so that's probably enough that I should give up!

I agree, it's horrible doing something when it is one-sided and the outcome isn't obvious. Good luck with the rescheduling, you never know, it might the kick up the behind the mum needed. But somehow I doubt it!

It's been fascinating to read this thread and how I sympathise with you Flobbleflobble.

I got myself into a situation where I took a child with my own dd1 to a class and back home again on a weekly basis - I volunteered because this girl had no other way of doing the class. I did this for over three years and gradually became more and more resentful. The mother (who works full-time) gave me her dd's old clothes for dd2 and dd3 which was very helpful but I found this child very difficult and she knew how to wind up my dd1. Things came to a head when dd1 was in floods of tears for a couple of weeks running, saying she wanted to give up the class because she didn't want us to keep taking this girl - so I knew I had to do something. And you know what? It's been fine - I just said that the girls were rubbing each other up the wrong way and I was finding it stressful. The mother was surprisingly understanding and has found someone else to take her child to the class (using paid help). It's such a relief.
I would agree with others that perhaps you should continue until the end of term so that you have fulfilled your promise.
My new rule is not to commit to long-term arrangements. I also realise I am bad at trying to please others while not taking enough notice of my own family's needs.

I think if yo can bear to do this to the end of term, you should, for the girl's sake. As you say, if you can drop off the girl, the mum could pick them up. That seems to be the best favour she could do as it keeps everyone happy.

My dh used to collect two other boys along with our sons from school. The boys lived in our road and their parents, for two terms, had no one to do the school pick up. Dh was around so did this every day and often used to buy ice creams for everyone, too. He wasn't paid for the pick up (fine as the boys lived so near us). But it would have been nice if the family had returned a fasvour or two. True they did give dh some petrol money (£20.00 each term) but I felt they would be the first family to ask if we ever needed the odd favour back.

In the last year, I must have asked them 3 or 4 times for small favours - the odd school pick up of our sons, whether we could get a copy of their video of the school play - etc. Each time they are 'too busy' or they say yes but nothing happens They have extended family to rely on for childcare and they both work full time. I don't think they appreciate that we have no extended family to help us - they are just very caught up in their own lives.

I am set to take this little girl to the class as usual this week but the mother has said she has a meeting on and that I need to take her child home with me & she will pick he up a little later from my house. This means I have to get fish and chips for my family & eat them in front of the little girl or else buy some for her too...The mother said to eat them in front of her but I can't bear to do that so I will have to get extra!

I know that this class is also run by the same people on a saturday morning so if the mother can't make Thursdays she could change to Saturday am without losing money. My dd is the same as yours, mopmop - she doesn't like going with this other girl & wants to stop the class herself.

I think I will bite the bullet & tell the mother that the arrangement is over after tonight!!! It's just stupid to be fretting about the whole thing so I think it all needs to stop now! I will find it really hard to say this though

Good grief flobbleflobble she really is insensitive! Good luck, I think you will feel a lot better for not being taken advantage of like this in future.
We bought a bottle of nice wine for a mum who took ds straight on to a birthday party from school last week, and insisted on dropping him home again afterwards. As working parents there is a limit to what we can do to reciprocate in precisely the same way, but she knows that we appreciated her kindness and that we mean to repay the favour in some kind of other useful way. And that's ONE lift we are talking about here.

Sorry to sound harsh, but if it's making you unhappy, why don't you just stop doing the favours? Do you fear what the parents will think of you if you stop doing this?

Bami x

I think I might upset the mother (not too bothered on that score anymore since she seems less than bothered about me! but I will still find it very hard to say the word no) and I might be the cause of upset for an innocent 5 year old

It sounds like she's using you as a free childminder IMO.

flobbleflobble I can understand why you are so p**ed off. I am that working mum who NEEDS to rely on the favour of friends to help me out. BUT I am highly aware of this and often turn up with a bottle of wine as a thanks you. I do find it hard to offer to return the favour as I simply don't getteh time. I plead with friends to abuse me when there is a chance I can help after school just to make it up.

However it sounds like your 'friend' is totally taking the P**s and isn't returning the favour. Instead of causing problems, if you don't want to, ask if she could help you on another day. Don't expect her to offer help, ask for it. If she still doesn't help then finish up the term, explain to her and the child that you are going to have to make other arrangements next term (you need to be more flexible or whatever) and don't worry. The woman sounds a selfish cow and her daughter doesn't like the child anyway.

I managed to bottle out of talking to the mother tonight
She turned up at mine just as we had got back and were about to go in and eat our fish and chips from the chip shop... Saying that she wants to cancel the tickets I arranged for us and the girls to go to a wildlife session at the local park in a couple of weeks as she wants to go to a party instead...
I feel annoyed that I am clearly not her friend at all, just a free baby sitter apparently, and I now want to phone her and tell her up front that i am ending the arrangement because she treats me as an unpaid childminder!

Is this a really stupid idea?
( her little girl is sweet and I am really sorry that I won't get to see her any more, but I can see no way around that) I do feel cross !

I understand that working parents have restrictions - I am one, I work 30 hours a week. This woman works far fewer hours than me (mostly at home and on her own term - she is not employed) & finds time for a lot of stuff in her life that I can only dream of having time for.

I would be thrilled with a bottle of wine thank you, or anything really as a gesture of thanks!

PANTS! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!!!

I think you should, because that is how she is treating you. Very rude about the tickets - what an ungrateful, thoughtless woman!

TBH, I don't think her little girl will be scarred for life about this - get the woman off your back because she is going to carry on taking and taking and taking.

SHe sounds really awful...and from how I see it, she is using you.

Hope you can pluck up the courage to tell her. It is obviously making you unhappy and you sound a kind, genuine person. You don't deserve to be used!!!

I'm mad for you