It's odd isn't it? You definately don't want anyone else to suffer or have problems, but at the same time, you feel better when others do, but then you also feel bad for them!
I hope that raising this has allowed others, as it has me, to get something quite deep out of their system. But even better if we can work out some steps to take to improve the situation. There have been some really helpful suggestions here, but just writing has made me think more positively about it and it's not not just a mushed up mess of a problem in my head. I'm still not entirely sure about what steps to take, and I wouldn't know exactly what to advise others either.
Will I still be helpful and advise I was asked? Yes I think so, but I'll be more careful about it and I wont do it from the very start and run to everyone and anyone's aid. I think I'm just that sort of person deep down. I don't think it's because I want to be liked though. But I've learnt over the years that it can cause more harm to relationships than good in some cases, especially when you realise that's the role you've given yourself, so that's how they see you (and some then use you!). No use feeling upset when you've effectively 'sold yourself' as someone to be used I guess! It's like those people who get promoted at work, who are clearly useless at their work. But, they're mouldable, easy to manage, etc., whereas you're such a good worker, they need you exactly where you are - at the bottom of the ladder, working. Mmmm, I think that's something to work on. So while they're all arranging social events, but struggling with baby sitters, don't go putting yourself forward for that. Yes it does look like you're trying to be liked, wanting others to think you're wonderful and so helpful. But, I think with me it does go deeper, as I brought up my baby brother (9 yrs younger), the others are closer to my age, and I always put him first, so I naturally from a young age sacrifice things I want, and want to do, for others. There's more examples of that too!
I like the suggestion about talking about them, not yourself. I don't always talk about me, sometimes never. But, I've realised something I do, and others do, that can be quite annoying, and am embarrassed to admit it actually, but might be helpful, so I will. Why not - I've told all you guys my life-long problem! I don't mean to do it though - but when someone says they've done something, seen something, etc., and you say, "yes, I've done that too" and "I've seen that too", etc., and if you're not careful you end up talking about your experience rather than what they were about to say. That's not just applicable to women of course. But, if a mum at school tells you they've been up all night with baby, you don't immediately say "yeah I was too". Even though you've not slept for weeks, you're supposed to listen sympathetically and talk about their tiredness. I think I've had every problem under the sun the last few years, so maybe I've done that! I think I relate to so much of the bad stuff that people have experienced, but they didn't start telling me about it, to hear that it was the same or 'worse' for me. Just a thought! I don't know for sure, I could just be talking rubbish here. Oh but don't worry about doing it here! Actually, I do often realise part way through and try quickly to switch back to them. Despite this, I am a good listener.
Also, about the depression, or being down, yes, I've been in that mode where everything everyone's doing and saying seems so trivial and superficial and it's very difficult to relate to them. I often can't switch off which makes it worse. You feel like you're standing with a thick piece of foggy glass or one-way mirror between you and other people. You can hear them all, but you're not really with them and in some cases they can't see you. I suppose you just have to accept that during those times, making friends or managing a new friendship is not going to be easy.
I'm waffling, because this is the only chance I've had to post, so I'm putting what comes into my head down. Baby's waking now - not surprised with next door banging on the paper thin walls so loudly, and a man sanding the walls in my son's bedroom - very noisy here right now!
What do others think they might do to put people off? I'll try think of more, as it might be useful to work out what we could be doing and try to consciously stop. It might be we could get on perfectly well with other women if we just didn't do those things. Who knows?