Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Urgent advice please - my date has booked us into one room!

73 replies

sparkybint · 01/10/2009 19:47

Had a wonderful first date with new man last Saturday, couldn't have been better. Am seeing him tomorrow night - he said he'd book a hotel because we live a bit of a way from eachother and assured me separate rooms of course - I felt comfortable with this and agreed.

Now I've just had a text saying he's booked just the one room and told me how much it cost! (a lot). He said "do you trust me enough to share, if not it's no problem for me to book another one". I have an awful sinking feeling, was really looking forward to seeing him but now? What do I do? I'm certainly not agreeing to the one room and I don't even know if I want to meet him at all now. Should I tell him how disappointed I am?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2009 21:52

I would be extremely wary of this man. All the advice ever given on internet dating emphasises the need to stay in a public place at first, have your own transport away etc and make sure you are not in a position of being dependent on your date for anything. It's impossible not to be aware of this advice if you use online dating services.
So I suppose the best case scenario is that he is thoughtless and ignores that kind of advice because after all he is a man (and men simply do not percieve women as a threat to them and it doesn;t occur to them that an internet dater could be a dangerous person), and that he genuinely thought it wouldn't be a problem to share a room - a lot of men being generally less inhibited about privacy, farting, etc.
But it's a lot more likely that he wants sex and thinks that the way to get it is not to ask for it but to manipulate the situation so you are put in a position which makes it hard for you to refuse.

ednaturnblatt · 01/10/2009 21:59

i think if the whole cost was the issue then surely he should have called you & discussed it rather than unilaterally getting the one room only?

If you'd just discussed vaguely staying a hotel, i could understand him chancing his arm & booking the one room....but if you've made it clear you expected 2 rooms, its horribly presumptuous to just book one, imo

Having said that given my own current situation i probably should keep my advice to myself

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 01/10/2009 22:03

thinking about it some more - if you are going to see him again, I would scrap the whole hotel idea, just have dinner or drinks but don't even be staying under the same roof. sounds like it started well and he could just be being a fuckwit, but you need to step back and take things in the right order rather than leaping ahead to hotels and the possibility of spending a night together.

PoisonToadstool · 01/10/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentiallyScaryShadows · 01/10/2009 22:10

He wanted an excuse to book just ONE room, so I think he deliberately chose an expensive hotel, so he could orchestrate just ONE room. He wanted to manipulate you into a situation where he could get sex.

I wouldnt go and see such a man.

QuintessentiallyScaryShadows · 01/10/2009 22:12

I would also be extremely wary of the "do you trust me" line.

PerryPlatypus · 01/10/2009 22:15

I would turn his "do you trust me enough to share?" back on him by pointing out that you had trusted him to book separate rooms and he let you down.

I would cancel the whole thing tbh.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2009 22:24

Yes, a person who puts you in an awkward position and then says, 'Don't you trust me?' is demonstrating untrustworthiness. It's a calculated attempt to play on the ordinary person's reluctance to make a fuss or be rude.
And while there is nothing wrong with wanting sex on the first or second date, ethical people ask for sex rather than try to put the other person in a position where it will be difficult to refuse without looking rude/ungrateful/difficult.
I'd dump the tosspot TBH.

Original poster
sparkybint · 01/10/2009 22:29

Well, have just spoken to him and he apologised...I don't know what to make of it, he's just driven 125 miles each way to take his daughter to stay with his mum so he could see me. He has a high-powered job with loads of responsibility. And on Saturday afternoon, he's hosting a slumber party for his 12 year-old daughter and 8 mates. I actually don't think he's a cad, I think he just thinks he's head over heels in love with me, and that's just as scary. And this is probably totally irrelevant, which is why I didn't mention it in the first place, but the guy's paraplegic, he broke his back in a car accident 10 years ago...

Anyway, I've told him separate rooms and exactly what I expect to happen. And at least I can run away from him if things get out of hand! Actually that's an awful thing to say but it does make me feel more in control.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 01/10/2009 22:30

I would text him back and say "no I don't trust you enough to share because you categorically said you would book separate rooms. I also on principle do not trust anyone who asks me if I place my trust in him after 5 minutes of knowing him. Only a half-wit or a child would trust someone on such short acquaintance, so your question is an insult to my intelligence. Good bye."

Actually I wouldn't text all that because it would take quite a long time, but YKWIM.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2009 23:02

Sparkybint: Look, run away. This man is extremely manipulative. Look how he's loading on the guilt already - he's made all these arrangements, he's a Wonderful Brave Person who Cares... Bad luck and all that about him being in a wheelchair but that's not your fault and not your responsibility.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 01/10/2009 23:05

hope things go ok - please do give us an update on Saturday!

perhaps given his paraplegic status he felt that you wouldn't see him as a "threat" as it were in terms of sharing a room; he may, if he is super-keen on you, also feel that he is already very comfortable around you so that sharing a room wouldn't be a problem because you have clicked - and he's just got a bit ahead of himself, rather than standing back and realising that you are both at the very early days of a potential relationship.

but if he has a high-powered job (and I assume a salary to match) then why did he not just book 2 rooms, and why did he tell you how much the room cost?! that bit is rather strange I think...

BitOfFun · 01/10/2009 23:10

Very strange. Enthusiastic or not, it's been one date ffs. I would be temted to back right off.

PerryPlatypus · 01/10/2009 23:12

Did he explain why he ignored your request for separate rooms in the first place?

Alarm bells are still ringing for me, I'm afraid. The "I've driven 125 miles so that we could go out" is in the same league as the "Look how much money I've spent on the room". I still wouldn't trust him.

Original poster
sparkybint · 01/10/2009 23:13

Yes Wheels, that's what I find strange, the money thing. We do certainly feel comfortable around eachother, I was nervous of meeting someone in a chair for the first time but it didn't seem to make any difference.

Anyway, I'm wary and that's a good thing. He knows how I feel about it now anyway, that I don't want anything physical until I know him. But it's only date no.2 after all and I'll learn more about him during the course of the evening.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/10/2009 23:16

Any more hints of big sacrifices and you should be off...

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 02/10/2009 07:28

Please be careful.

bradsmissus · 02/10/2009 07:39

Hope it turns out well.

(PS - PerryPlatypus - love your name - DCs are currently obssessed with F&F!)

Original poster
sparkybint · 02/10/2009 07:49

I will be careful, thank you. He didn't tell me he'd gone all that way to drop off DD, he phoned me from his car and I asked him where he was. I can't help thinking that if he's happy to put on a slumber party for a gang of 11/12 year old girls on his own after driving halfway around England, he must have some good qualities. Certainly he comes across as being very gentle and kind. I'm going to text at lunch-time to make sure he's booked the other room and then call the hotel.

And if he shows any sign of obsessive behaviour or comes on too strong, then that'll be that. I'm also going to ask him why he felt it necessary to tell me how much the room cost and how awkward it made me feel. And I'm quite aware there are plenty more fish in the sea...

Thanks everyone, will report back tomorrow!
And quite a start to the day, DD had massive nosebleed and ruined all the new bedding I'd just bought and I've just spotted the cat munching a mouse - all I can see is the tail hanging out of her mouth!

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkybint · 02/10/2009 08:02

He's just texted me to confirm he's booked the room, complete with a reservation number.
Maybe he's realised he hasn't behaved particularly well, we'll see...

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 02/10/2009 08:11

Maybe he was suprised at how much the room cost and wanted to either split the cost or wanted you to pay for your own?

warthog · 02/10/2009 08:38

maybe he's a bit skint.

QuintessentialShadowOfDoom · 02/10/2009 08:43

Maybe it is the only hotel he knows with a proper wheel chair access?

pofacedandproud · 02/10/2009 08:51

aren't all hotels supposed to have sufficient wheel chair access these days? Good luck with the date. totally not on to tell you the cost of the room and expect you to share though.

purplepeony · 02/10/2009 09:13

My answer would have been "well, I'll phone the hotel and book my own room"- no need to be financially dependent on him at this stage, is there? I can see how you want to be wined and dined, but if it were me, I'd have made my own sleeping arrangements, or driven back home.

I think he was thoughtless and was also trying to set up a situation where sex would be easily possible without having to let things take their natural (slower) course.

BTW- this is really personal and you don't need answer- but assuming he is in a wheelchair, and has no mobility etc from waist downwards, is he able to have sex?