Jealous of my 'perfect' sister and her 'perfect' life. Family roles etc.

[poshsinglemum]

Long, sorry.

My sister are chalk and cheese.
When we were little my mum had mental health difficulties and went on and on about how the psychiatrists were wonderful and how they saved her life. I think that she was obsessed with us becoming doctors as they are like God to her and I think that she regretted not doing medicine at University.

She used to encourage us to do medicine at University.We both reacted differently. I chose to rebel and go off the rails. I didn't really know what I wanted to do and was torn between the arts and the sciences.
I did study hard but I had an unsuitable, abusive boyfriend who tore my young life apart. (See other threads).

My sister decided that she would study hard and do medicine at Uni. Good for her. She didn't have a boyfriend until she got to Uni and he is totally wonderful and supportive> She met him when she was sitting in a train in America. Turns out he was English and his work was where she was in Uni. They now live together and are going on their annual holiday to America. They are rolling in it. She is a now a psychiatrist.
I on the other hand was in a psychiatric unit for a month ten years ago because of my abusive ex.

I am so thankful to have my dd but I can't help feeling jealous that she goes on about two holidays a year and sometimes I cann't afford to eat and I am single.

I feel that she saw the way that I rebelled and decided that was no way to live. She was right. I do really regret not choosing to study medicine and I totally regret going out with the abusive boyfriend when I was 16 rather than waiting til I was older.

I feel that she has taken on the family role of golden child and I am the black sheep. She is the ''well'' one and I am the ''sick'' one.

This wouldn't be so bad if I thought sh eliked me or if she made the effort but it is like I don't exist to her.
When I came out of the psychiatric ward she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
She is dd's god mum but she never phones to see how we are and she never comes to see us.
Once I did phone her and she wasn't interested.

She came down at Christmas and my parents told me about my new house and asked her if she wanted to see it. She declined. I just feel like she thinks that she is so superior to me.
When she does visit it is like butter dosn't melt in her mouth in front of my parents but she is very dismissive of me and makes no effort at all to take an interest in my life.I always feel like a complete looser when her and her boyfriend come to visit. They are the perfect couple with their dinner parties and regular foreign travel and I am a skint single mum.
It is not her fault that she chose the sensible route- I don't blame her. I just wish that I was as sensible as her and had her life.

I know she dosn't have dd but when she does have kids she will have a supportive partner and pots of cash to spend on them.

Hi again.

I don't resent my sister for making better choices than me. I am envious and I do wish that I had as much common sense as she did.

I just feel like a stupid decision that I made when I was 16 (my ex bf) has had such a disasterous effect on my life.

Sometimes I feel very proud of my sister you know!

Dorothea. Calm down fgs. i do agree with your appraisal of me to a certain extent. why are you getting so riled by my comments? I wasn't assuming that you don't have a clue about abuse but you make out that you think I did it just for drama. If you have been in an abusive relationship such as mine you will understand that they are very hard to escape from.
Why did I get with him in the first place? Because he followed me around for a year and I was young and stupid.

I can take your criticism of me to a certain extent so why are you getting so riled by my comments. At least I can reason with you.

Dorothea- I'm sorry if I upset you. I was a bit pissed off by what you said as there is some truth in it and it hit a raw nerve.
The whole point of this thread is partly about family roles and my dissapointment at the role I have created for myself.
Some children react to family issues by acting up (such as myself). Other children react by taking responsibility like my sister.

I DO wish I had reacted like my sister but I took the former option and I am pissed off that I messed up and yes envious that I didn't stay so calm and rational like my sis so I'm not obliviious to my role in my sisters retreat from me.
I also feel that I didn't rebel nearly as much as my peers . No drugs etc.
It's just that as my parents demanded absolute obediance (conditional parenting) then any deviation from doing medicine was rebelion.

Maybe you could try looking at the role you've created for yourself in a more positive way. For a start, you've created it for yourself! With parents who try to exercise a lot of control over their children's choices, that's not to be sniffed at. You've had the strength to follow your own instincts, get away from a bad relationship, go through with a pregnancy you wanted despite pressure to abort; you're a well travelled, independent woman. As a single parent you are free to raise your daughter without interference, and I'd imagine it's important to you to give her a much more relaxed, less pressured childhood than your own.

You sound like a strong person with her own identity who is just afflicted with low self-esteem. I think this is more likely to be a trigger for the issues with your sister than any inherent dislike between you - as you've said yourself, you do love her and are proud of her. I also agree with whoever suggested that she might feel resentful of what she perceives as your relative freespiritedness, compared to her own choice of the safe, approved path.

Re. your sister's comments that you mentioned earlier, she sounds like she has quite a negative mindset which is not that surprising given all the stress you both must have been through while growing up. It's easy to get stuck in negative mode and easy not to realise how draining it is for those around you. Again, I agree with the earlier post that suggested she may find it a release after having to be professional all day long with her clients, not that this makes it any more fun for you to experience!

Poshsinglemum I have a relationship with my sister which is a bit like yours.

I've done the unwise relationships, not getting as educated as I could bit too.

I have very different values from my sister. She is "successful" because she refused to marry anyone who "couldn't take care of her" (and that meant financially). My last relationship was with someone who didn't have two pennies to rub together.

She and my BIL are quite well off, have 2 holidays a year, have 2 cars, live in a detached house on a nice estate etc. From the outside, they all seem very happy, successful etc. But from the inside, as my Mum tells me, my sister is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The pressure to "keep up appearances" and the image of being "middle class" etc. are taking their toll.

From where I'm standing, I see that they have lost their "spirituality" and are just focussed on the "material"

I'm a single mum too - I was widowed 2 years ago as you probably know from other posts. I raise my 2 children on my own. I work full-time, I own my own house (well, the building society owns a fair bit ), I run a little car. Life for my little family unit can be a bit tough at times though.

But, I don't envy my sister one bit - she's on her path and has what she feels is important to her. I've been on my journey and learned a hell of a lot and I'm proud of what I've brought myself and my children through (even before my OH died).

And you should be proud of what you've achieved too......

Hi all.

i'm sorry if I upset anyone.

I do need to stop the jealousy- it's not doing anyone any good.

I love my sis and she has her good p[oints.

I need to focus on the good things in my life.

No worries, perhaps we both got a bit unnecessarily heated. I am pg and hormonal, that's my excuse

I do wish you luck with dealing with all this and think it is admirable that you are taking the time to think it all through.

No worries. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Dear PSM-have you read anything by Dorothy Rowe? Thinking particularly of her writing on siblings and roles in the family. here is a quote:
Perhaps worst of all is to be designated the Competent One. Many able children accept this role in the hope of gaining their family's love, but once you have accepted it you begin a life of servitude. You are expected to be always strong, helpful and available. Never disclose to your family that sometimes you feel weak, vulnerable and distressed, for if you do they will either ignore you or bully you until you shut up and go back to looking after them.
I think that perhaps that is what Dorothea was saying that sometimes it can be very hard to be the 'good' one in the family.
Have you tried writing her a letter expressing some of what you feel about her 'distance' from you and and from your daughter?

I haven't read the whole thread (DS is bellowing from another room) so apologies if someone else has already said this.

I was chatting to someone the other week who was a psychiatrist. She was talking about a book by Sebastian Faulks - I forget the title - and saying how it reminded her of herself when she started training. She said that she went into psychiatry thinking she would be able to "cure" people of their mental torment, and that finding that in most cases there is little you can do is depressing.

Reading what you have said about your sister, I wonder if she went into her career thinking she was going to save people from lives like yours as children. And has found out that this is extremely difficult and is suffering from a great degree of emotional/professional disillusionment. Her Santa Claus comment reinforces that for me.

She may well be thinking - why did I bother? PSM has a lovely DD and I don't?

Yes, Dorothea is wrong because the "competent" one (that was my role, by the way) needs to target the parents with her anger for creating this unfair dynamic between the siblings. You cant target the sibling because the situation wasnt created by them.
To me it seems a bit like going after the other woman when your husband has had an affair: he gets to stand back and watch the two women fight over him, when really they should both be angry at him, not each other.

Winkywinkola-thank you for the comment about me being wize. I`m not writing this to draw attention to myself, but because I wanted to let you know that it meant something to me. Most of the time I do not feel wize.

Sakura - I didn't say that the OP's sister was correct in behaving this way towards the OP. Just that there might be reasons for the behaviour that maybe hadnt been considered, and that the sister might have issues of her own & be finding the dynamic difficult in her own way.

Also, FWIW, nor was I accusing the OP of deliberately creating drama for the sake of it (which I think is what she thought I meant and perhaps partly why she was offended). I was trying to (obv not very clearly) say that her sister might well have seen it that way.

It was all very hypothetical. It doesn't matter now, other people's advice has been better. But when I saw your post I thought I'd better clarify, as it seems as though you think I was saying the OP's sister was right to take her problems out on the OP.

I was just doing my usual "but imagine from her point of view" thing, which never seems to work ...

DOrothea, Sorry, Yes, I agree with you on that. Its helpful to try to see things from her sisters POV, if only to lessen the hurt that is being caused by her sisters behaviour. I just wanted the OP to be aware that whatever her sister is going through herself ultimately leads back to her parents and the sister is attacking the wrong target.

I read this thread with interest. I would be described by the OP as the 'sister', I suppose. My sister dropped out of school, had an abusive partner, left him, had other boyfriends, got pregnant, is now on IS and pregnant with her second, and her boyfriend (father of both) is still not living with her.

I went to college, then uni, met my DH when I was 16, got married at 22, qualified as a nurse, now have 3 children. DH is on a low wage, though.

My sister, I know, finds it very hard that I have 'the perfect life'. I have a DH who is committed to me and puts our family first. That is all she wants.

But, I am also the almost sole support for our parents. My DM is bipolar, thankfully very stable for the last few years, and DF is also depressed. DH and I support them fully right now. I love them, and am glad to be able to help them. But DSis doesn't see the background, that I am trying to juggle 3 children under 4, one with SN, and all of Mum & Dad's affairs.

DSis sees herself as the 'black sheep', and thinks that I look down on her. But actually I am just cross with her because time and time again she puts herself in situations that cause her heartache, then blames me.

YEs, lou, your sister is absolutely wrong to blame you. I am drawn to this thread because I too am the "sister". But I broke out of the role.
My parents were both abusive towards me in every way, and yet I was cast in the role of caretaker. So in a nutshell, I was their retirement plan.
I put pay to that and now have no contact.
My point is, nobody actually has to stick to their prescribed roles.

I think you have to let go of the past and put the incidents you mention with your sister behind you op. The resentment you feel is more hurtful to you than anyone, and you don't want to spend the next 10 years storing up bitterness towards her. It really is the way you think about it rather than the actual situation, although I can empathise having similar issues myself - I can still find myself stewing on things but if you can't change it better to concentrate on things you can change, like your own life and attitudes. My situation with my sis has become a lot warmer these days, at one point we didn't speak at all. I could list a whole set of grievances and diappointments with my life but I reckon I've learned enough to make my future a bit better than the past - at least I feel optimistic I can, and the optimism is making me more outgoing and likeable than I was. I will probably not be as well off successful etc as my sis and I still desp want to succeed at something - I'm working on that rather than waste time comparing with her. Thing is I know she'll be proud of me in a way I am really too mean to achieve whole heartedly for her. Am getting there though.

From what you have said you sound like you would like to be close to her and you feel like she is rejecting you. It definitely looks like she is holding you at arms length. I think if you had a good relationship you would be happier for her successes but it must be hard when she is so unpleasant to you.

All you can really do is concentrate on your own life with your child, carry on making the effort with her even if she doesn't reciprocate. Don't be jealous of her, she has her faults (ie the way she is treating you).

Is there something in the past that she can't forgive you for? Have you said/done something to her when you were going through your bad times? Maybe she has a long memory and is holding a grudge. You could try having a heart to heart with her next time you see her at your parents. What do your parents think?

Anyway, best of luck with everyhing. xxx

I find these posts confusing. On the one hand the poster says she wants to have a relationship with her sister and be closer to her, yet on the other hand she hasn't said anything nice about her sister's personality at all, and all the quotations she attributes to her sister are unpleasant ones.
You sound as though you really dislike your sister.
If my sister was like that about me I wouldn't be rushing to be friendly to her. Why be nice to someone who obviously dislikes you?
You still resent her telling you to pull yourself together when you came out of hospital, but if she hadn't gone to college then she'd only have been 17 or 18 and I can easily imagine saying something like that to my younger sister when we were teenagers.

It is time to take charge of your own life. You have a house, DC, a job (I assume) and friends so all is not bad.

It is time to stop blaming your mother, your exBF and sister for making you a failure.

You are not a failure.

Tiem to stop blaming other people, and just get on with your own life.

Your sister may not be as happy in her job as you imagine. She may be sad that her DP hasn´t asked her to marry her. She may be jealous of you having DC. You just don´t know.

My Sister is perfect, she’s always had a perfect Boyfriend even when she made a switch from the one she was with at 18 to 27; to the even better one she’s with now from 27 onwards. I’m older but I always feel like my family and especially my mother think she’s better than I am and that doesn’t really bother me so much because I really adore her. She’s one of my favourite people, what upsets me is that she’s so hard to bond with when she’s in a relationship. The brief gap she had between boyfriends was amazing for me because I felt like I had my Sister as a Best Friend (she was on the phone all the time and wanted to see me and hang out) but as soon as she was with her new one the she was all about him and she doesn’t want me around in the same way. I’d love to bond with her better but it’s really hard. Whenever, she has a man around then it’s all about him and she’s different even when the boyfriend is warm and engaging. I guess, I feel guilty that I should’ve been a better Sister when we were growing up but our parents divorce was a lot harder for me than her- she was a lot younger and my Father did things to me and my Brother that he never did to her and also my Mother was more protective over her. My mother’s first boyfriend was also more overly sexual with me and I struggled with that for years on my own- she was so much younger and was never exposed to that. My way of dealing with it was to leave home as soon as possible and she was even a teenager when I left albeit I came home every 6 months, I’m now looking for a relationship but she relies on boyfriends and only comes to me when she needs me. I’m looking for advice on how you improve your relationships with you siblings because I wish mine were closer, the same holds true for my Brother, he’s in a relationship and that seems to be all he needs as well although before that we were very close, I’m recently single but even in a relationship, I’d love us 3 to be closer.

I have a very similar set up in my family, except I am your sister.

In the years I tried very hard to support my sibling, but the negativity, self pity and ultimately lack of interest and empathy in my own life challenges has been too draining.

I have started putting distance between us when the bitterness translated into episodes which were way out of line.

I still love my sibling but ultimately I feel the only way we could ever be close again is if they come to terms with their life and stop being resentful of mine.

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