Jealous of my 'perfect' sister and her 'perfect' life. Family roles etc.

[poshsinglemum]

Long, sorry.

My sister are chalk and cheese.
When we were little my mum had mental health difficulties and went on and on about how the psychiatrists were wonderful and how they saved her life. I think that she was obsessed with us becoming doctors as they are like God to her and I think that she regretted not doing medicine at University.

She used to encourage us to do medicine at University.We both reacted differently. I chose to rebel and go off the rails. I didn't really know what I wanted to do and was torn between the arts and the sciences.
I did study hard but I had an unsuitable, abusive boyfriend who tore my young life apart. (See other threads).

My sister decided that she would study hard and do medicine at Uni. Good for her. She didn't have a boyfriend until she got to Uni and he is totally wonderful and supportive> She met him when she was sitting in a train in America. Turns out he was English and his work was where she was in Uni. They now live together and are going on their annual holiday to America. They are rolling in it. She is a now a psychiatrist.
I on the other hand was in a psychiatric unit for a month ten years ago because of my abusive ex.

I am so thankful to have my dd but I can't help feeling jealous that she goes on about two holidays a year and sometimes I cann't afford to eat and I am single.

I feel that she saw the way that I rebelled and decided that was no way to live. She was right. I do really regret not choosing to study medicine and I totally regret going out with the abusive boyfriend when I was 16 rather than waiting til I was older.

I feel that she has taken on the family role of golden child and I am the black sheep. She is the ''well'' one and I am the ''sick'' one.

This wouldn't be so bad if I thought sh eliked me or if she made the effort but it is like I don't exist to her.
When I came out of the psychiatric ward she told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
She is dd's god mum but she never phones to see how we are and she never comes to see us.
Once I did phone her and she wasn't interested.

She came down at Christmas and my parents told me about my new house and asked her if she wanted to see it. She declined. I just feel like she thinks that she is so superior to me.
When she does visit it is like butter dosn't melt in her mouth in front of my parents but she is very dismissive of me and makes no effort at all to take an interest in my life.I always feel like a complete looser when her and her boyfriend come to visit. They are the perfect couple with their dinner parties and regular foreign travel and I am a skint single mum.
It is not her fault that she chose the sensible route- I don't blame her. I just wish that I was as sensible as her and had her life.

I know she dosn't have dd but when she does have kids she will have a supportive partner and pots of cash to spend on them.

going by the op, you sound a far nicer person than your sister and I think that counts for a lot.

she doesn't sound at all perfect to me, but self centred and selfish.

don't give up on your self, life has a way of twisting and turning, you could be in a very different position emotionally soon and feel a bit happier.

all the very best

God, your sister sounds dull as dish water. I'd rather have a night out with you TBH -

yes have to agree with Sakura (as ever) and COV

the appearance of being perfect is never what it seems either - those who live up to expectations (or try to) can sometimes destroy themselves in the quest to do so. In fact, it can be an extremely hard life.

But in a way, it doesn't matter about that. I know it's an easy thing to say but with family matters like this, you have to try and rise above them. You have your dd and your life. It also isn't perfect but you don't seem that unhappy. You can't change the decisions you made in the past but you can shape your future so keep focusing on that.

And as Sakura said, please don't underestimate the impact of having a mother with mental health issues.

I also think that you may be mistaking the way she is interacting with you. Although she's a psychiatrist, she may just not be the sort of person that expresses her feelings well and the 'stop feeling sorry for yourself' comment may have been a misguided attempt to get across how worried she was (and it may have reminded her of your mother being ill which is quite frightening for the sibling who has tried to take a path where she keeps her life together iyswim - there's a lot of pressure involved in that).

I did study really hard at school and I got into a fantastic University and was having a great career, travelling the world etc but my abusive boyfriend dragged me down and gave me an eating disorder so I had to drop out. (see previous thread.)
I did go back to University and I am now a trained teacher but I do have awful taste in men and I know that my sis isn't to blame for that. I do think my sister is open. Here is some of the things that she has said about family members.
The thing is I have always balanced studying with partying. She hasn't done the partying bit which is fair enough and if I had my time again I would be the same.

When my cousin got pregnant with her first child ''She'll have a lot of shitty nappies and sleepless nights to deal with.''

When my cousin got a job as a runner on the BBC ''She'll be doing all the scabby jobs for the stars then.''

About her patients. ''Most of them are twats. I sometimes feel like father Christmas giving out sweets.''

When an ex boyfriend was being a knob to me; ''He sounds like a real catch.'' (sarcastic)

So sometimes I feel that she looks down on others.

To be fair she was absolutely lovely when I got pregnant and my ex wanted me to abort but I didn't so she really was there for me at a time. She's gone now though.

I just feel that she looks down on my bad choices.

My abusive boyfriend was a vegan and used to refuse to kiss me if I had eaten meat, cook for me and lecture me about nutrition etc and I was stupid enough to stay with him.

thing is posh, people who are judgemental like that, often feel jealous of other people and are insecure themselves

tbh, she is sounding more and more like the sort of person who has chosen a life path PURELY because it was the least risk path and she is jealous of anyone who has actually gone out there and lived life (and taken a few risks) if that makes sense

you will sometimes find in families where there have been mental health issues that there's a sibling who appears ultra sensible - she/he appears to live this totally straight life with the right choices and conservative ideas about life when in fact, it's a role they've assumed to deal with everything that was going on around them (normally as a child). So for her to control the environment, she chose to take this path where she worked hard and didn't party and that's what made her feel better.

But there's pressure involved with that and she is sounding more and more jealous of those who've been able to have a life free of the restraints she seems to have placed on hers...

hell, you were in a difficult situation. Don't beat yourself up! You need to move onwards and upwards. There's only misery in berating yourself about past bad decisions, believe me.

Thanks for all your replies it was tough on us both with our mum. She is bipolar. She used to tell us that she wanted to kill herself and hit us etc. She used to say that she wouldn't be alive without her psychiatrist and she is probably right.
It is good that we reacted in different ways. I was tempted to do medicine but felt that it would be perpetuating my mums unhealthy obsession with the medical profession. My sister probbaly saw it as a healing path for herself and mabe if she can understand mental illness then she can deal with it better. Neither is right. We just did what we needed to do. I hope that my sister and I can be mates in the future.
i do bitch about her but deep down I love her.

my mother is bipolar too posh

it is hard for children to deal with it, especially when it is untreated and you experience the highs and the lows

you sound an incredibly compassionate person, you really do. I am one of 3 siblings and can honestly say that the roles you and your sister took, fit v snugly into roles that were taken by all of us too.

neither path is wrong either tbh.

fox- it is tough but i guess sis and i have compassion for those with such illnesses. we always say that mum owns her illness if that makes sense. she has embraced it as part of her identity.

yes, I can see what you mean.

She used to introduce herself as ''Hi my name is -- and I have manic depression!
This was excruciating for me and sis.

I guess this was in the old days and she probably thought that being open was hip.

I love Sakura! She's always so wise.

I read a brilliant phrase on another thread on MN recently 'comparing her insides with my outsides'. It puts so neatly that however close you are to someone when you compare yourself to anyone else you are never comparing like with like. And even when you recall conversations that you were having with each other you cannot tell what 'emotional charge' the other person is bringing to the conversation, so one conversation might be remembered forever by one person and forgotten the next day by the other.

If you can, concentrate on your life, and your positives. Present the happiest (while still honest) side of yourself to your sister, and try for a while when you meet her just to treat that meeting as one day (eg today I am going to have a nice trip to see a film with my sister) rather than part of a whole series of events (today I am going to try really hard to connect with her so that she will pay more attention to my family).

I am sure it will change over time. I have had ups and downs with my sisters lasting many years but the ups are worth the downs!

Reading this, I can see where you are coming from; however, I also think you're being a bit unfair in your description of your sister. And I'm afraid I don't think that your OP sounds especially compassionate, actually it sounds a bit like you are judging your sister quite harshly. I don't have a sibling near to me in age though, so I am not speaking from experience, I should admit.

But just imagine it from her perspective as the "obedient" daughter, feeling pressure to make responsible choices and carve out a successful path despite the problems in your family growing up. Meanwhile, all along she is aware that you are making very different choices, possibly bolder ones, showing you're not going to be bound by the expectations of others. You are rebelling and following your impulses, ending up in difficulty and trouble, drawing the attention and worry and concern of everyone. Is it any wonder that watching all this, she would feel sad, angry and baffled about why you do this, why you make these choices, why everyone is always worrying about you and assuming that she is "fine"? She'd be worried for you but it would be all mixed up with resentment and other feelings, making it hard to just be sympathetic. She'd probably feel that her own problems (cos everyone has them) were being totally overshadowed by your ongoing drama of drugs, abuse and unplanned pregnancy. I expect that would seem very unfair and hard to swallow.

I am only speculating, obviously, and I know it may be way off base. But if your sister has spent her life watching you make seemingly (to her) irresponsible choices, in contrast to everything that she tries to achieve, she may well feel that you are getting loads of attention for all the wrong reasons and still casting yourself as a victim. And also, that you see her in a pretty stereotyped way, in terms of what she's got and what she doesn't, etc, rather than stopping to consider her as a complete person.

I realize you are, in fact, trying to understand her and making an effort; it is clear from your later posts. But she may not really know that. Even here, in your OP, you said a lot of stuff about her being rolling in it and how you're jealous of her going on two holidays a year, etc. So it seems likely that in RL, there may be times when you give the impression of focusing on things like that which are frankly a bit beside the point. In which case I can totally see why she wouldn't really seek out loads of contact with you.

It just doesn't sound like you think your behaviour in the past will have had any real impact on her apart from making her disapprove of you. That seems a bit to me.

Dorothea-
Drugs drama? Who said anything about drugs? I have always hated them and have mabe smoked one spliff in my life. I hated it btw.

Men drama mabe but drugs drama- no way. And although my pregnancy was unplanned it was very welcome and I would say that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. For a start it has stopped the man drama.

I kind of wanted to be pregnant so I wouldn't get me started on that. i just wanted her dad to stick by me that's all.

Of course I acknowledge my behaviour has an effect on her. I would be the first to acknowledge that. But I have tried to make amends. she dosn't want to so there's not a lot I can do is there?

And the abuse happened when I was 16-21. I was a vulnerable age when having a boyfriend in our school meant social survival.I am thirty now and no longer in anymore abusive relationships nor do I plan to be.
So there has been a lot of drama but I tried to make good decisions. A lot of my peers dis drugs but I didn't so I choses another way to fit in. The boyfriend.
I might have played the victiom for too long so I am certainly not abdicating myself of blame here.
I have been harsh on mys sister. It's not really about the holidays as I have had a fair few before dd and have travelled the world. It's more her refusal to make amends and be friends. Mabe I shouldn't blame her for not wanting to get involved from the way that Dorothea has portayed me as a walking car crash!

Dorothea is judging me harshly imo!

And Dorothea- I did my best to get awauy from the abuse. My ex didn't want me to go to uni- I went. My ex didn't want me to do my biology field trip abroad- I went. My ex didn't want me to leave him- I did. I take it youve never been in an abusive relationship then? Mabe you assume girls like me get into them for attention? Mabe that's true. Often us ''black sheep'' act up to get attention an dlove. Sad but true.

Sorry PSM, I was mixing up something in another thread about the drugs - my mistake.
Even understanding there were no drugs, though, you still have had a dramatic and tough time of it. And I did not mean that your pregnancy was unwanted by you -- I was thinking of what you said about the fact that you were pressured to terminate, which makes it sound like that was not an entirely easy or straightforward situation, even though you did want the baby.

Your original post was about being jealous of her (& thread title). Is that not really the issue then? When you say that you have tried to make amends, and she doesn't want to -- how have you tried? Are you sure that it was enough for the message to be really clear to her, and not muddled with issues of jealousy etc that are very present in your posts here?

Sorry- I meant to say that the boyfriiend was my attempt to fit in at school.
I did very well at school but not in medicine. My issue is that I feel that my parents ONLY approved of medicine as a career choice when there are lots of others. If I'd wanted to be a nurse for eg then it would have been bad form.
I remember saying I was interested in the film industry. I was strongly discouraged.

Whoah, several cross-posts, I have clearly upset you. I'm sorry for that. But it is wrong and completely unwarranted of you to suggest that I think "girls like you" (wtf?) get into abusive relationships for attention. Bullshit. How dare you accuse me of such an appalling attitude? And as to whether I've ever been in an abusive relationship, no not physically, but emotionally yes, not that I should have to have such "credentials" in order to respond to a MN thread.

I was not overly harsh, you just didn't like what I said. And yes I may have been mistaken but my response to you was not IMO anywhere near as hostile as your replies suggest.

I do acknowledge that I have attracted a lot of drama in one way or another and I have been ruminating on how to avoid it in the future. Mabe it's a case of falling out of love with drama which I think I am.

I do think that the abortion thing was my ex partner's drama and problem though. Not mine. His feelings, his choice.

I told my sister and mum about dd's dad when we first started seeing each other and they thought he sounded great! They tried to encourage me to stay with him in fact.

Being brought up by a bi polar parent is very traumatic and has a knock on effect on the rest of your life. I know because my father was and still is bi polar and my mother only found the strength to leave him in my now thirties.

The problem I find is that the four of us - children- look to create drama from the mundane because we are used to constant ups and downs. We are also hugely over analytical with each other - whats wrong? why haven't you rung etc?. Thats a knock on from mental illness not a failure as siblings........