Is DP not wanting a vasectomy a bad sign for our relationship?

[mumkin]

we have been together for 7 yrs have a 15 year DD (step daughter to DP) a 2 yr DS, and pregnant with third. we are both 35. I dont actually want to force him to have aVasectomy I realise its his choice, but I felt insecure when I brought it up as a possibility and he said he didnt want anymore children but what if I died/or we split up and he got a new partner. his answer made me feel scared and insecure and ridiculously jealous! , I told him this he felt sorry but that was his true feeling about the issue.

Maybe he's not sure about NOT wanting more children in the future or he thinks you may change your mind?

I think he's pretty clear that I dont want anymore Ive been sure that 3 would be enough for me for a long time. He also seems to be sure he doesnt want more with me too, thats why I feel jealous of the fictional new partner!

DW does not want me to have a vasectomy. The reasons she says is because she is still frightened she might die (she had ovarian cancer 10 years ago) and she wants me to have another wife if she does die.

Your DH has therefore said the same things as my DW. It is not an unreasonable concern on his part but your response is very understandable too. Try to put it behind you and not read too much into it.

The vasectomy issue is fraught with complicated and sometimes seemingly irrational feelings for all parties. Please don't feel threatened or hurt by his concerns, it bears no relevance to his feelings about your relationship or his hopes for your future together.

Fair enough - tell him that at your age it is dangerous to go on the pill and after having 2 kids you don't want any more and nor do you think it should be just up to you to sort out contraception - it is now his turn. So no sex until he has one or researches a better option.

I can´t see it as a good sign, I´m afraid.

When we´d had our two, my husband knew that he didn´t want any more children-with me or anyone else, should I die.

Nichynoo - the OP and DH can use condoms as we do. There is no reason to threaten or bully him. It would not be right to try and force someone into an operation.

I think that age has a lot to do with it.
My hubby's just had one at 43, he certainly would never have considered it in his thirties, even though our family was complete 19 years ago.
It's a huge decision and perhaps best left as a last resort, ie. if the woman's health is an issue or the only other option is female sterilization then it's the sensible and responsible thing for the man to have it done.
I was sick and tired of my coil giving me hideous periods and I've heard too much bad stuff about the mirena coil, I didn't want to risk it.
We tend to forget that we as women are used to medical intrusion with our reproductive organs, men aren't and I fully understand why they are so "weird" about vasectomy.

It is, however, completely ludicrous to base such a big decision on what MAY happen in the future. Why the fixation on a man wanting to start another family if his wife dies?
Wouldn't he have enough on his plate with the kids he already has?????

well we already were using condoms only because I got sick of risking my health for other methods of contraception. so we can go onto using them again, maybe I should consider sterilisation in the future, which has more health drawbacks female sterilisation or vasectomy? Im sure whether my DP got run over by a bus or not I do not want more children!

my husband is still not sure about vasectomy either, but not because i might die, just he doesnt want someone with a knife near his jewels We cannot risk anymore children as its a huge risk to my health and a high risk of a child with special needs, but condoms are a real PITA . If someone finds the answer tothis problem i would love to know

It is so final. I am 99% sure I don't want anymore Dcs but don't feel ready for DH to have a vasectomy. What if I change my mind? Maybe your DH is the same - he just doesn't feel ready yet.

thank you for the advice I feel better to know that others have partners that are also reluctant.

ABetaDad - I agree that threatening or bullying is not a good way to go.

In asking the male partner to take responsibility for researching methods of contraception before she agrees to resume relations is neither threatening nor bullying.

It is in fact a woman taking control of her sexuality and reproductive ability. No sex is the only way to guarantee no babies!

If he refuses a vasectomy then he should invest a few hours in researching the options, the safety and effectiveness of each option then measure them against the safety and effectiveness of a vasectomy and together they can make a decision.

LisaD - there is an easy answer, YOU are the one who is sterilised. I was sterilised just over three years ago and although it is slightly more complex than male sterilisation it is still considered permanent and irreversible.

I'm confused, are mumkin and Irate the same person?

If you really feel no more kids at all for you but he doesn't, then the answer is you get sterilised.

If you two decide together no more for either one of you and he decides of his own accord to get snipped, then he'll pick up the phone and make an appointment.

He doesn't want a vasectomy. So either you use condoms, don't have sex or you get sterilised.

Or get a copper coil.

mumkin/Nichynoo - the table at the bottom of this link shows the relative failure rates of different types of contraception including vasectomy and tubal ligation (in women). Vasectomy is much the most effective contraceptive method.

Note the difference between theoretical and actual failure rates. These are very important factors to think about in making the decision which has to be one that both partners in a relationship have to be happy with. DW and me use a combination of methods to reduce the risk of pregnancy and live with the residual risk. Even vasectomy has some failure risk and there are side effects which some men get such as Post Vasectomy Pain. All in all it is a lot less risky than tubal ligation for women.

The link is part of bigger site (a US site but very good general relevance) on vasectomy.

On the issue from a man's point of view most men and include myself do not really think about their sexuality until something goes wrong with it or until they face a procdure like a vasectomy and it just takes a while to come to terms with it. As someone rightly pointed out women are much more used to having their sex organs interferred with medically than men. That said, all men should be willing to dicuss and sensibly consider the options but be given time to make a decision.

Would a compromise be a good solution?
What about if you offer to have a coil for 5 years if he will then have it done?
With the proviso that if it causes you problems then he can get done sooner .

I know that the fact that I bleed for over a week in every 21 days , sometimes with a lot of pain, was the main factor for my hubby offering to have the snip.
It's a very unselfish act when you think about it, it has zero health benefits for the man and a few very nasty risks thrown in.

I think that the only truly unreasonable refusal would be when the woman cannot risk either pregnancy or surgical sterilization.

It's a bit of a lose/lose situation when the woman wants it and the man doesn't - he could say " you wouldn't make me have it done if you loved me!
She could say " if you loved me then you would have it done".

I'm sorry, i'm seriously missing something. Why would anyone, tell their partner to have an op they don't want.

And more so tell a bloke to do something with his bits...

If there was a woman here that posted that her DH was telling her to get sterilised, and she didn't want to, everyone here would be chomping at the bit to tell her to ditch him.

Our fertility is OUR responsibility. If we as women can't safely get PG but can't go onto the pill, then we damned well learn about our cycle and work out when is and isn't safe. On the iffy days condoms are used. Or coils or implants or whatever options we have. If we are not able to be sterilised nor risk pregnancy, i still don't think it's reasonable to insist on the snip. Condoms and or abstinance at dodgy/risky times. it has to be as simple and calculated as that.

We live in a civilised society, where we have choices and options at our disposal, where any of us could walk into a supermarket and buy our own condoms if we needed to.

Sorry, think i've had my blood pressure rise by discussing my previous country of abode... so have got my indignant at being told to do anything head on...

DH wanted a vasectomy the minute our DC2 was born. I asked him to wait until I was old enough to be sure I wouldn't want more children, even though I considered our family complete (no logic in that, I know, but that's how I felt). He understood that (through gritted teeth!) and waited. Not sure if that helps, but in a way, I can see your DH's point of view. Can also see why you feel the way you do. Have you considered being sterlised? Might be the answer.

groundhogs - it is very fair and sensible what you said.

He is being honest.
A vasectomy is pretty final.
You MIGHT die/split up.He has a perfectly fair point.

Was discussing this with GP this week, she has RCOG after her name so she should know what she's talking about - failure rate for female sterilisation is 1 in 500, male 1 in 10,000. And a much bigger op for female too, general anaesthetic and all its attendant risks.

My DH not keen on the snip either, just general squeamishness I believe (the idea of a scalpel in that region). I don't think your DP's reluctance is neccessarily a bad sign. The word 'irreversible' gives most people pause for thought, in a 'never say never' kind of way. Heck, I can't even consider getting a tattoo, way too irreversible for me .

Malificence, what is the bad stuff you've heard about the Mirena.

Whereyoulefit, do a search and type in Mirena.

There are loads of threads on it here.

A not insignificant number of users have very bad side effects from it, myself included.

Never stopped bleeding (fobbed off for months with 'it'll settle'), acne, no sex drive and absolutely unbearable mood swings.

Lots of good advice Mumkin, I would just like to add that you are also pregnant and I know that during both of my pregnancies I felt especially vulnerable and insecure in ways that I never am normally.

I would try as someone else has said to forget about it for now and then revisit the subject at some stage in the future. I have had similar conversations with my DH (while not hormonal and while when the subject of vasectomy first came up he said he thought not (in case something happened to me etc and to be honest my initial reaction was the same as yours but I let it go). Now that we have 3 dcs (including 5 month old twins) he has come to the conclusion that it is the way forward. It has been his decision and one that he is happy with.