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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thanks mumsnet

48 replies

saddest · 26/09/2009 11:30

I knew that things weren't right. Right from the word go.

I have learnt so very much on this site that I took myself off to the doctors and asked for a referral to some mental health support.

H has been telling me that I am mad for a long time, also that I am a liar, incapable of telling the truth, and that I am difficult to work with so that people dislike me.

I had my assesment this week and it turns out that there is nothing wrong with me aside from the stress of living in such an abusive relationship.

His reaction to my sanity has been quite frightening. He obviously questioned the qualifications and ability of the professional who assesed me, and of course said that I told a pack of lies.

Ihave read a lot on here about these kinds of behaviours and it has given me the strength to start on a new path, which , if he does not get help, must be without him

Thank you for the strength!!!

Sorry for typos, I did this very fast!

OP posts:

claricebeansmum · 26/09/2009 11:34

Saddest -
This sounds as though you are being incredibly brave and are about to have to be a whole load braver.

There's always someone around to support you. I don't have advice for you as not been in your situation but take it slowly and surely and remember we're here for you.

therealme · 26/09/2009 11:54

Saddest, you have my sympathy, I have experienced something similar. I ended up on a psychiatric ward for two weeks and of course, this was all the evidence my ex needed to declare me mentally insane

Since I split from my ex 5 weeks ago Womens Aid have helped me see that my depression over the years has been as a result of living with an emotionally abusive man. It is no wonder I got depressed trying to survive with no family support, nobody to talk to, 3dc to care for with no help etc!

Now I am no longer spending every waking minute as a slave to ex h's demands I have time to look at my own needs. I am learning to stop myself automatically putting ex's needs above my own (easier said then done) and realise that he will never change, but I can. It gives me hope!

I don't know your h, but from what you say in your post it is unlikely that he will seek help because he probably doesn't think he has done anything wrong. You must worry about yourself now. Make your own plans for your future and try to discard his statements about who or what you are. He is wrong, ignore him, cut him out.

Original poster

saddest · 26/09/2009 13:10

Thank you for your replies.

I may sound brave, but I am heartbroken.

I believed him to be in love with me, passionately, to believe in me and my potential, to want to be a team and great parents together.

That I discover, is all part of the pattern. The over passionate start, giving way to isolation, self doubt and lonliness.

I have re-activated my facebook page, of which he was so scathing. And I'm re contacting old friends, whom he despises so much.

I have started to write again.

I have stared to make new friends.

I miss the original him so much. But he never really existed did it?

Thank you all.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 13:14

You sound amazing.

So strong.

So so lovely.

I take my hat off to you.

BecauseImWorthIt · 26/09/2009 13:27

Well done you, for taking the first step.

I chose my MN as a reminder to me that I matter, just as much as the people around me.

prawncrackers · 26/09/2009 16:11

Saddest, you know it won't ever really work, no matter how much you invest, believe that he can change or that you can change him.

I finally had the strength 18 months ago to break free after 17 years but not before sticking it out for a further 7, even after being told by a psychiatric counsellor that the problem wasn't ME...

Like you, I'd finally gone off and sought help after being told for years that I was seriously mentally unstable and that not only could he see it but everybody that got close to me could see it too. I'd become so bad that I'd cut myself off from all my friends (who incidentally only used me...) as by then I'd lost all my confidence/self esteem, incapable of making any decisions for myself.

The counsellor picked me up, gave me the tools to cope but like a fool I believed that I was now strong enough to deal with the ex, could handle him, our marriage, still loved him. But of course these men never change, don't have the insight, truly believe they are always right and before long I was back to being isolated, consumed with self doubt.

Today life is very different, I'm slowly making friends again, allowing people close to me, life is becoming a pleasure and I'm only sad that it took me so many years to find the strength to leave.

You're a very brave lady and you've now seen the light, keep going, build a life for yourself, reignite those friendships and share with people what's happening, don't allow yourself to become isolated anymore.

dizietsma · 26/09/2009 16:31

You're welcome saddest

Well done. You are braver, stronger and smarter than you can possibly imagine. I hope one day you realise that.

mathanxiety · 27/09/2009 03:28

No, the 'original him' was a smoke and mirrors act, sorry to say. Take the time to grieve the years you have lost and the optimism you wasted, but realise you did nothing wrong and didn't deserve any of this -- so no going around kicking yourself . Take the time to plan the best future for you, and be kind to yourself.

thumbwitch · 27/09/2009 05:19

if only there were some kind of "wankerometer" that could be applied to men, however charming and lovely on the surface, we'd all be a lot better off, I feel. So many times on here this type of story comes up - Man starts off being great, wants to do everything for you, worships the ground you walk on (major charm offensive) then when you are hooked, starts to snip and snipe and gently erode your feelings of what is good and right, and who you are. But because he loves you soooo much, you want to please him so bow to his diktats - and don't even realise that's what they are. After all, he's giving you so much, surely it would be unreasonable to cavil at such a little thing as him not liking the way you dress/ your friends/ your job/ your hair/ your figure etc etc etc.

Saddest - well done for spotting that this man you thought you knew is one of these wankers. And well done for thinking about what you want to do - but please don't grieve for him in any way - grieve for your lost years as mathanxiety says, because the him you thought you knew was as substantial as a character in a film - not real at all.

You will get lots of support on here - and you will probably need it in RL as well so plan well and good luck with re-finding yourself and breaking free from this con-artist.

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/09/2009 09:09

Sorry, I meant to say, I chose my MN name ...

groundhogs · 27/09/2009 11:31

OP... and you SO are! As hard as it is for you right this second, in time all this will pass, it really, truly will, and you will heal and return to normal life, freedom and happiness.

You are an inspiration, so brave, and so strong.. even if you don't see it yet! You will!

Thumbwitch yet again you hit nail on head! Awesome!

Original poster

saddest · 27/09/2009 12:01

I am overwhelmed by your comments. Thank you all so much.

I can't even hug my dd without being accused of trying to turn her against him.

I wish I could wake up and be somewhere else.

OP posts:

MadameOvary · 27/09/2009 12:08

saddest, well done for taking action. Seperating yourself from their lies and manipulation isn't easy but you have taken the first step. Keep posting on here for the support to get you through the coming months, you will find plenty of us here who have been through similar.

Original poster

saddest · 28/09/2009 12:46

I saw the gp this morning after a very difficult weekend. She suggested that I go with the kids to a WA refuge.

My mum and best friend have both said that I should hang fire for now.

I have once again asked H to go to the doctors. He asked why. I explained that his behaviour is being seen as less that "helpful" and that he is under a lot of stress. That he needs to talk to someone.

He completely denied having said any of the things he has spent the last few months saying.

It beggars belief.

I'm scared to disrupt the children.

I will get there in the end. I have to.

I have sent my new song to publishers. Fingers crossed for me.

He of course says that he doesn't want it to be successful because I will then leave him. He's right.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 28/09/2009 18:35

Why are your mum and friend telling you to stay with this man who is making you so unhappy?

mathanxiety · 28/09/2009 18:55

Yes, Fab, I am scratching my head at this too. Why don't they just push you under a train if they want you to be hurt?

Don't be scared to disrupt the children. They will do much better in a calm atmosphere with no tension, and you will have much more in the way of emotional resources to give to them. They will quickly get used to a better situation. Please take your GP's advice. She knows what she's talking about.

Good luck with the song

thumbwitch · 28/09/2009 21:00

Saddest, again from what I've seen on here, your DC will be better off out of the situation as well.
I assume they're still quite young - if you wait until they're older, then he might start his evil mindgames on them as well. Do you want your DC to go through the same process of thinking they are useless/ unlikeable/ liars/ mentally unstable? No, you don't. Your GP sounds like a fabulous woman and your ma and "BF" either haven't got the full picture or are twisted nutters.

Please listen to the GP - not your family.

Original poster

saddest · 29/09/2009 08:43

I am so text book it's almost embarrasing.

Of course my mum's relationship with my dad was like this. So she thinks it's almost normal. Despite her devouring "spare rib" in the 70's and refusing to let me have a barbie doll. Where's the feminism now?

H is utterly charming outside of our home. Aren't they all. So was my dad. BF sees him at school. and she is putting it down to the stress he's under with work. Which he is.

BUT, I have ordered the Lundy Bancroft book, and in the reviews it talks about how there can be no excuses. That much I have gleaned already.

My mum has asked him to see the doctor. As have I. He says that he will. I hope he sees the same one I did, although I believe that cases are discussed between gp's at group practices.

Oh and, my GP thinks that mumsnet is full of articulate, intelligent women, and a great resource.

So there you go!

OP posts:

Original poster

saddest · 29/09/2009 08:45

That sounds like I've crumbled. I haven't, but I must let him have the chance to seek help.

I don't suppose he will and I am ready for that.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 29/09/2009 10:00

saddest, that says a lot. You are reasoning well - that is great!
YOur H may agree to go to the doc, but it's likely that he will do so only so that he can come back and say the doc is an idiot, doesn't know what he/she is talking about, can't understand how they got their qualifications, he could probably do a better job, etc. etc.
Or, he could just be paying lipservice to the idea of going but somehow never find the time...

Am I being harsh? You betcha. Because you can take it, because you are thinking clearly now. for your mum, and for you too for being sucked into that familiar pattern. Let him go to the doc's by all means - but don't hold your breath that you'll get a positive outcome from it.
(Send your Dad as well )

Lemonylemon · 29/09/2009 10:19

Saddest Read the thread "OH says its over, wants custody of DD". You will see a lot of similarities between the OP's H and your H regarding the counselling/seeing a GP.

Keep going, you can do this!

Original poster

saddest · 29/09/2009 16:51

He's gone.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 29/09/2009 16:57

wankometer here If this link doesn't work, try samvak.tripod.con/abuse13.html.

Original poster

saddest · 29/09/2009 19:36

So ha has just rung to say goodnight to dd, not ds you notice.

Unfortunately he told her "see you tomorrow".

She got excited by this and said that he was coming home tomorrow.

When he left, he told them both that he was going.

Now he thinks that I have set her up into thinking he has gone.

And I thought I was mad!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about the exclamation marks but flippin' nora!

I don't want him to come back. I want to get through the grief and move on. I have spoken to many people this evening and the extent of his lies is amazing.He is know as very closed off, and that is exactly what he continues to be.

He has said to me that he has spoken to LOADS of p[eople who are all telling him to leave me, and yet he hasn't spoken to one of his best friends and the person he is closest to at work.

Do you think he's having some kind of breakdown?

OP posts:

Original poster

saddest · 29/09/2009 19:37

Why didn't I do the typing option at school. I hope that makes some kind of sense. Sorry.

OP posts:

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