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[saddest]

I knew that things weren't right. Right from the word go.

I have learnt so very much on this site that I took myself off to the doctors and asked for a referral to some mental health support.

H has been telling me that I am mad for a long time, also that I am a liar, incapable of telling the truth, and that I am difficult to work with so that people dislike me.

I had my assesment this week and it turns out that there is nothing wrong with me aside from the stress of living in such an abusive relationship.

His reaction to my sanity has been quite frightening. He obviously questioned the qualifications and ability of the professional who assesed me, and of course said that I told a pack of lies.

Ihave read a lot on here about these kinds of behaviours and it has given me the strength to start on a new path, which , if he does not get help, must be without him

Thank you for the strength!!!

Sorry for typos, I did this very fast!

It kind of makes sense - what prompted him to leave? Did you ask him to? Have I missed something here?

And no, I don't really think he is having a breakdown because in your op you said that you knew things weren't right from the start. If this had just started happening a few months ago and you were wondering where the hell the lovely person you knew had suddenly gone, then yes maybe. But that's not what you said.

So, I think he is playing control games with you - lying through his teeth as normal, and when you ask people about him discussing leaving you, you are actually opening yourself up to further abuse by him later. If questioned by those people, he will tell them that you threw him out, or that you drove him out because of your insane paranoia. It will be all YOUR fault and not his.
Then he will come back and he will blame you for telling other people about your private lives and use it as an excuse for further abusive behaviour.

He has already started to mess with your head re. the DC - don't let him. And don't let him back either - what kind of man messes with little children's heads and hopes? A bad one.

Good luck - it's not going to be plain sailing but you've started on the right course.

I think that he was already planning to go after his client had left as I found an overnight bag in his car. He also had taken both keys for the studio, so I relieved him of one of them. I will not be locked out of parts of my own home!

I spoke to one of his closest friends and also one of his most important work contacts after he had gone.
Both of them were rather concerned as they hadn't heard from him in some time and he wasn't replying to texts or emails.

A far cry from him being begged to leave me. There are so few people in his life, I can't for the life of me think who they all are.

Nutter.

He came round this afternoon to see dd.

Tried to suggest that her upset was the result of being "told things". His words were..."what have they been telling you?"

I printed off this thread in the vain hope that he would see that this isn't so unusual. that it isn't me. He still maintains that am not telling the truth.Yet he says that he still loves me.

How do you love a liar?

I broke down in sainsury's today. It was desperately embarrassing. All the shopping trips of our marriage seemed to come flooding back at once, and the tears came. I felt so stupid.

I need to keep strong, but I am so desperately sad. Why was it all such a lie?

I wish this wasn't real, and that the first three months were.

oh dear. You didn't give this to him, did you? Big mistake. Now he can see what you have been warned against and work round it.

Really, don't believe a word this man says to you. He is a pathological liar. Now, there are better people than me on here to advise you but they won't come to this thread because of the title - if you start another one in relationships with a more appropriate title, you will get more input from people who have been there and come out the other side.

He's trying to keep you out of the studio so that you can't work, isn't he?

No breakdown. This is all to be expected. He is not a normal person, so don't assess his behaviour as if he was. Everything is someone else's fault. He is an expert on your mental health. He will leave you, not you throw him out. He accuses you of all sorts of things that are actually what he is feeling or doing.

He is keeping me out of his studio, but I do have my own smaller one too. I am reliant on him for some jobs, unnecessarily so. He said it gave us the chance to work together.

But there are things in there that are ours and mine and it's my home too.

Everything is someone elses fault!

I was starting to put together the projection stuff. Accusing me of being mad when he is under such ludicrous pressure at work. I have thought that he must feel that he is going mad....but it's easier to blame me.

yes maths you are right.

I was up at 6.30 repairing some electronics to get me up and running again. I have never done this before and sussed it out all on my own and got it working and earned money.

Bloody proud I am!

That's a great move in the right direction, Saddest.

When it comes to reasoning, or trying to, with this man, I would suggest your energy should be conserved instead for disentangling yourself emotionally. Save your focus for "me, myself, and I".

He came back last night and said that a condition to any kind of resolution would be for me to not post on here again.

He ate the food that I cooked and came to bed, held my hand, brought me tea this morning with the usual "granny" kiss.

The minute I got downstairs off he went again.

At one point I felt like getting a hand mirror and pointing it at him, because he was simply describing himself in his verbal onslaught....he really was.

So I said to the kids, get your shoes on lets go out. I didn't whisper, I didn't shout, I was determined that they have a nice day.

And we did. We had an ace time.

He later accused me of storming out and this was his justification for leaving again.

But he left his laundry on the bedroom floor!!!!!!! Twat!

And if you're reading this.....TWAT DON'T YOU DARE DO THIS TO MY KIDS! OR ME!

Oh dear! He is a controlling twat, isn't he!

You're definitely better off without him. And I hope he's reading this.

Sounds horribly familiar. I left, never regretted it and DD is so much happier.

He texted apparently "all night" to say goognight to dd.

We live in the middle of nowhere.(no shit all helps control me) and the mobile signal is poor at the best of times.

Of course he knows this and is trying to suggest that I am stopping him from speaking to her.

She's 5. she doesn't do texts yet.

And another thing......

Everything OK Saddest?

Cocaine,

My sisters OH is a problem coke user. He has sought help come off back on etc etc.

My sister says that she has been clean for years, but was a heavy user when they met. Nothing in her life, friends, lifesyle, etc has changed
My H has always been worryingly ( instinct) close to my sister.

She chose my engagement ring.

Next....big fall out shortly after engagement. No contact with my family for four years.

She is the first to get in touch. followed by the rest eighteen months or so later.

Family wedding sept 08. He disapears with both of them for a long time. best part of an hour.

In the country...no where to go,

My instincts say....he's doing coke with them

Get back to hotel. He stays up for, no idea how long, in the hotel bar with him.

I drive home as he is barely able to function.

He has been in touch with them today and says that they think I am mad too.

Felt very desperate

Phone samaritans.

The minute the word cocaine is used.......

This, if true, would explain everything.

Lundy Bancroft says trust your instincts.

What do you think and do I actually care any more?

I'd rather plan tomorrows day out with dc's.

I think that you should take your GPs advice ASAP!

Hi Saddest

Your original post could have been mine a year ago.

If he is doing coke, it is irrelevant. Your H is emotionally abusive whether he uses drugs, suffers from depression, whatever.

You are incredibly brave and well-informed and will come through this.

Do check out Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other PD's as you may find it rings bells.

There are usually patterns, i.e. you may have family members (and they do sound a little strange) who are also NPD and this conditions you at an early age to accept this behaviour as normal. Incidentally my ExH told me people thought I was mad, bad and dangerous and turns out he was bullshitting.

Keep posting, you'll get support here and many of us have been through similar. I have been out of my abusive relationship for 6 months now and well on the way to re-building my life.

You and the DC's are all that matters.

Hugs to you.

He has already accused me of having npd, so I looked it up.

Guess what, he ticks way more boxes than I do.

I have spoken to people who he says have called me stuff.

Someone to whom I was "disgusting" apparently, hasn't the faintest idea what H is talking about and can't get a reply from H either.

I am being given such consistent advice, from gp's to the mental health team, samaritans and here. But it's tough when it's family.

I am doubting my sanity and perceptions. I need tons of reassurance and can't wait for my CBT.

I want to be rid of this situation and these horrible feelings.

He also said yesterday that he thought that it was normal to be possesive and jealous early in a relationship and to want to cut people off from their worlds.

When I met him, I wasn't remotely insecure.

I am now, I'm a gibbering wreck thinking he's more into anyone but me as he had become so unavailable and dismissive. And yet to complimentary of other women, especially those who do the same job as me.

Well he's gone now.

I will stop feeling sick and shaky, I know I will.

saddest. Get out of this situation now. This man is No Good For you (or anyone else by the sound of it).

Talk to Shelter, talk to other women's charities for DV; emotional abuse does qualify in some ways. Start divorce proceedings and stay strong.

And don't let him back in again.

Hello saddest

Keep going with your strength and conviction.

This man sounds like a classic NPD. I have just been to court for my final hearing, nearly three years after leaving my own NH, who was just like this.

In court he lied and twisted his way through his cross examination, and finally the judge told him he was a despicable person. The whole case could have been sorted out three years ago , but no, ex had to lie and cheat his way through two court hearings until he was eventually stopped this time.

Anyway, not to tell you my woes! But these men never change. And most certainly the man you thought you fell in love with was an invention.

Get out as fast as you can. My ex N is still using the children, he 'cried' apparently, in front of my son after he lost the court case. Why was he crying? To manipulate my poor son, and because he had lost..... money, he couldn't give a damn about his family. He already has another one lined up.

Bastard.

Just leave....it will never get any better, and the longer you stay the more of your precious life you are wasting.

Sorry for the ramble, am not well.

xxxxxx

Getting A Grip - congratulations on the court result but I imagine the stress has taken it's toll. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Saddest, I think your H has "devalued and discarded" you. It is an inevitable process that NPD's go through. First they "idealise" you then, later, many years later in some cases, they project their innermost disordered personalities onto you. You cannot live up to their expectations - sometimes they leave, sometimes they make your life hell so you leave.

The best way to deal with them in my experience if you still have to have contact is to try not to engage with them in any meaningful way.

They get off on your reaction to what they say and you cannot get your views across no matter how hard you try. It's best to be business-like with them and let your emotions out after they have gone. That way they become bored with you and hopefully move onto someone else.

He projects his own dysfunctionality onto you. Therefore, he calls you crazy but actually it's him. You are not mad but you have been badly affected by his behaviour.

It's heartbreaking to be in your situation and takes a long while to understand let alone to heal. You fell in love with an image and now the real H is revealed. He will have chosen you because you are everything he would like to be (kind, honest, empathetic, attractive, successful).

Keep strong.

Thankyou digitalis

Yes I was ill for 2 weeks before the hearing and now afterwards I am ill again.

Nearly three years of aggro and twenty years of marriage before that has taken its toll. These people literally take your life away from you.

I now have to turn my attention to my very elderly N mother, and decide what to do about her.

BUT...the judge and all the barristers and solicitors in the court saw what he is. That was worth so much to me...more than the money really. Although the money means that I can relax a little bit now, as he has stolen all the money I took into the marriage and all that I earned throughout the marriage too.

I hope this gives others who are just starting done this road some hope. I have to go out now but will be back later if anyone wants to ask about the court etc. I will post on the NPD thread later on.

xxxxx

Agree, agree, agree. Please get out.

My ex was keen to do collaborative law as it's quicker and cheaper. I agreed (against the advice of Mumsnetters!) because it meant I would not have to see him so often.

My solicitors were specialists in DV and recommended by WA, yet my solicitor (partner in family law) still fell for my ex's games. How he really wanted to sort things amicably because he cares so much about our daughter and is sooo short of money. Never bothered finding out how DD got on at first day of school, had to give me his tax return and earns £10-15k more than he claimed and has just bought a campervan.

I should get bored of all the same stories here on MN again and again, but I don't because it reminds me it's not my fault and I am not a useless piece of shit which is how he made me feel. It's them, not you, it won't change. Go.