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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Straw poll- would you even bother to listen to this. . .

72 replies

littlestmummystop · 23/09/2009 18:49

Met a wonderful guy in the summer. Went on about five dates, he stayed over twice.

I really felt like I was falling for him....

Then he goes abroad for a few days, doesn't call me. I sense he's cooling off. Then he changes arrangement to see me in a phone call, saying he's having a terrible time at work, in a bit of a state, feeling depressed blah blah.

Then he never calls or contacts me again.Until now.

Yep two months later he sends an apologetic text to say, it would be good to talk, he's behaved like an absolute twat and he'd like to try and explain himself. . .

Do I even bother to listen ?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/09/2009 19:40

pmsl, please update us (pretty please )

dittany · 23/09/2009 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

littlestmummystop · 23/09/2009 19:43

okay, will report back.

The next straw poll will prob be about 'Is he lying. . ?'

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/09/2009 19:47

I think we can answer that question for you now...

< cynical >

dittany · 23/09/2009 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 23/09/2009 20:12

i'd find out cos i'm nosy. and THEN never speak to him again. unless it's a really good excuse.

purplepeony · 23/09/2009 20:42

Cut the guy some slack- all of the things mentioned could be true- another woman, been dumped, juggling several women..
OR he might just have had a really stressful time at work and not been keen on pursuing any relationship. Sure, he could have perhaps contacted the OP to explain more, but it was only 5 dates.

Maybe he is being thoughtful now and doesn't want to call her on spec, as for all he knows she might have moved-on and be with someone else.

His behaviour could be considered considerate, rather than caddish.

I'd give him a chance to talk and see what he has to say.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 23/09/2009 23:28

How did you meet him? Do you have mutual friends?

SolidGoldBrass · 23/09/2009 23:35

Look, he could have been taken violently ill/run over by a truck/hit on the head by a frozen chunk of piss falling from a plane.He could have been banged up for a month (this did actually happen to a bloke I was sort-of-dating, in the days before everyone had mobile phones...). Or he could have had a family tragedy of some kind (if a family member is taken very il;/injured/drops dead unexpectedly then one doesn't necessarily immediately think to call one's new not-sure-about-it-yet date to explain).
I'm nosy enough to meet him at least once and hear what he has to say, too. But go with an open mind, and if the explanation is a bit bullshit, walk away without worrying about it.

WickedWench · 23/09/2009 23:52

SGB has put it far, far better than I could but yes, see what he's got to say and then decide what you want to do.

If you want time to think about it once you've heard the explanation tell him. If he's interested enough he'll wait. He owes you that at least.

colditz · 23/09/2009 23:52

Go in open about it.

A bloke did this to my mum =- turned out he had been diagnosed with cancer and 'ran away' from life a bit.

bibbitybobbityhat · 23/09/2009 23:58

I would want to hear his excuses, yes.

But I would promise myself faithfully to have nothing further to do with him after that. He behaved very badly, unforgivably badly.

Am amazed at the posters who think this is standard behaviour in the world of dating these days .

Since when did it become acceptable to be so shockingly rude?

SolidGoldBrass · 24/09/2009 00:01

If he'd disappeared on you after 6 months or so and after at least one conversation where you both agreed that, ooh, wow, this is getting serious, isn't that nice, etc, then it would be more likely that he's a knobber or at least someone who is not reeeeeaaaly into commitment (but may be in love with the idea of it) - a few weeks and a handful of dates is the sort of relationship that it's not that wicked to drop if something drastic happens; it's just not in the forefront of your mind.

purplepeony · 24/09/2009 08:17

bibbity -is it rude to disappear from the scene for a while after 5 dates?

What kind of explanation would you want if that was you?

Maybe I am more forgiving, but 5 dates imo is nothing. I can't see any need for any explanation is someone has a gap in contacting the other person when no talk or evidence of a "relationship" is there.

In the early days of a relationship sometimes things just end and no-one needs to explain as it hasn't got that far to warrant an "I don't want to see you any more".

And you are forgetting that he did actually make some contact to say that something had happened.

sorry OP but I think you are over reacting- you seem to think you are owed some kind of explanation, which implies that you thought you had a relationship, whereas he thought he had simply dated a woman a few times.

Original poster

littlestmummystop · 24/09/2009 09:58

PP... don't agree at all.

Over a period of six weeks, we saw each other five times, he slept at my house twice. He texted me most days, he seemed v keen, attentive, happy.

Totally fine and fair enough if he changed his mind and didn't want to see me again. Disappointing and bit upsetting for me, but that's life.

But not to say anything is out of order. The last thing we did was arrange to meet the following weekend and I said: 'Just let me know about the Saturday. . ' and then he completely disappeared for two months.

IMO that is disrespectful to me. It's not an over reaction, just a demand for basic courtesy.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 24/09/2009 10:25

I agree with you op.

So ... what have you decided to do then?

Original poster

littlestmummystop · 24/09/2009 10:30

Am gonna give him the text nod to call me tonight...

OP posts:

thesouthsbelle · 24/09/2009 10:31

yeah me to - i'd find out what happened but tbh don't think i'd bother with him - be worried it would happen again.

thedollshouse · 24/09/2009 10:34

I would let him have his say (out of curiosity) but on no uncertain terms would I meet him again. He has blown it. He admitted that he behaved like a twat and you don't need a twat in your life.

purplepeony · 24/09/2009 10:53

OP""But not to say anything is out of order. The last thing we did was arrange to meet the following weekend and I said: 'Just let me know about the Saturday. . ' and then he completely disappeared for two months.""

Did you try to contact him in that time at all?

Agree it's not perfect behaviour but see what he has to say.

Many good long term relationships get off to iffy starts- I wouldn't rule him out until you hear his news/excuses.

sayithowitis · 24/09/2009 19:31

Well, I hope it doesn't turn out to have been something like a sudden bereavement or serious illness, because if it it, you are going to feel pretty awful. And as someone else said, what effort did you make to try and contact him during the time he has been 'away'? And maybe he was depressed. Someone who is having depressive episode is not going to be thinking about keeping any sort of relationship going, let alone one that was still quite casual.

If it was me, I would listen to him with an open mind and see how things are after that. You obviously know him whereas we don't, and presumably will have an idea about whether whatever he says is reasonable or a load of bs. I would not be judging him until he had been given the opportunity to explain what happened.

I hope it all works out for you.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/09/2009 19:37

"All at once he sent me round a note,
Here's the very note,
This is what he wrote:
'Can't get away
To marry you today;
My wife won't let me.' "

SolidGoldBrass · 24/09/2009 22:37

I'm amazed that anyone thinks 5 dates is a 'relationship' when no promises have been made on either side. Loads of people date other people a few times and, either because they lose interest or because something major happens in their lives, contact fizzles out.
That is a good point others have made about whether or not you tried to contact him, OP. Because, supposing he had some moderately serious stuff happen, wasn't able to contact you for a while and then thought, oh well, maybe she'll contact me, and then time went by and you didn't attempt to get in touch leaving him thinking, oh well, she can't be that bothered then.

Original poster

littlestmummystop · 24/09/2009 23:11

OK, so this really IS fucking weird. . .

When he went abroad, he went to a school reunion and got together with his old childhood sweetheart apparently !!

He wanted to ring and apologise for being a twat, especially as I had been nothing but 'cool and fun and kind' to him.

He said old gf ( of 20 years ago!) and him had started dating and they'd been back and forth to each country seeing each other. . . (ahhhh how sweet!!)

At this point I tried to cut the phone call short, and then he started trying to be friendly and asking what I'd been up to/ how was work etc etc. like old friends or something.

I wished him well and said goodbye.

What did he think this would make me feel better ?!?

Was it a guilt thing that made him want to ring ?!?

Am totally and utterly flabbergasted. A lucky escape methinks.

OP posts:

Conundrumish · 24/09/2009 23:22

Oh I don't know, I think that is kind of sweet that he bothered to do that. Not if he was trying to get back together, but just so that you knew what had happened, would be fine in my book. Sorry to hear about the old gf though.

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