I'm so relieved to hear all this (if that doesn't sound odd) because I see so many of my own thoughts and emotions. I'm 42 and realised that I'm obviously going through a mid life crisis too. I've had more than the average number of children and got fat and frumpy in the process - but now my youngest is in school I'm doing a lot of running and have got my figure and looks back. I have all sorts of reasons to be grateful for my life - beautiful children, a husband who is at heart kind and an ok lifestyle, but I have an education and have been a SAHM for the past 15 years and feel like I've been doing things all that time for other people and not for myself. Don't get me wrong, I adore my children and they are all very wanted - but two years ago I began an affair. It was scary I guess the danger was a part of the thrill. My husband doesn't know and I will never tell him, whatever happens. I'm not going to start making excuses for myself because I know infidelity is wrong, but for the first time in years I felt like an attractive woman, and my own person that had something to say that was not about being a wife or a mother - believe it or not the conversations were far more important to both of us than anything else. Having said that I wish I had never begun it, and echo an earlier poster who said that if she had known how it would mess with her head she would not have started.
If I can make a general point, I think it is hard for mothers in our society. If we were living in a tribal village (or a comuunity in say, Italy..) there would be plenty of other "mothers" (grandmothers, aunts sisters) to help us with our children, and share the the burden of parenting. The way we live I feel is very isolating and we are expected just to cope. I personally don't live near any family - just the nature of my husband's work. I love my children to pieces and bless every day I have them with me, but it is hard, relentless work, and I think it is hardly surprising that after years you start to lose sight of who you are. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself - well I suppose that's just what I'm doing in a way - and I know that my "affair" must stop once and for all (we rarely see each other, so it really is only about talking) so that I can got back to nurturing my marriage, or at least to find out without distraction whether we can make it work. I am slowly coming to realise the upsides of a relationship like the one I have with my husband. Ok, the fireworks are gone but we can still make each other laugh, and we have fantastic children. I just hope I haven't left it too late, or done irreperable damage. I owe it to them to keep the home they depend on for their sense of security, in one piece. At least that is, if it is in my power to do so.
I don't expect when I have made such a mess of things that anyone would listen to my advice, but firstly, please try and avoid going "elsewhere." It's an evasion tactic, in my case anyway, to avoid the uncomfortable truth of what is happening at home and in your head. "Am I still attractive? Is this it, till I die? Will I ever be anything but someone's mother again?" I think recognising your own creativity is important and it is heartening to read the upbeat posts of older posters if they will forgive me for referring to them like that. I hope to be as postive as they are in my fifties, but know I won't get there without help. I have had tough emotional times over the last ten years which I can't be specific about, but am sure they contributed to my crisis. So.. try and remember what gave you pleasure, what you loved doing before you had children and attempt to re-capture that spark now. What you are is still in there!
Sorry for great length, but I needed to get some of that off my chest. Good luck with it all. Oh, and if you haven't already as an earlier poster suggested, take up running! It is a good feeling to be fitter than you've ever been, and is great for chasing those negative thoughts away.