Mid life crisis - your tips on how to survive please

[tiredandgrumpy]

I'm nearly 38 and feeling pretty depressed about getting older. I've been with my husband since we were 21 and I think we've hit a long dull spell. I'm not even sure I love him any more, though suspect this is more to do with the stress of having young children & everyday life than a sign our relationship is doomed.

Generally I just feel as though life has passed me by, that I'm getting older, saggier & whilst I can secretly lust after other men I'm sure they wouldn't be interested anyway. It's not that I want to have a fling, affair or whatever, it's simply about me feeling older and no longer attractive, boring and stuck in a rut.

dh works long hours and rarely gets home early enough to give me time to get out. What do you recommend I do to give myself a kick up the backside & feel good about life again?

I am 39, have been with DH since we were 20 (!!!)and have two primary school age children. I am a SAHM.

For us it really helps to keep a bit of ur own life going, our own hobbies and sports and nights out, and not doing everything as a couple.

I quite like being this age, I don´t care about not being atractive to young men, I think we are now attractive to middle aged men instead of young ones. I get chatted up by men well into their forties instead of wolf whistles from the builders, and I don´t miss being chased. I think the older you get, the better you feel about who you are and how you look.

I am so glad I am no longer 20. ALl that angst and insecurity.

Then again, we DID travel big time before settling down, and I think that we got it out of our system and now value a nice quiet family life!

triedandgrumpy - would an au pair work for you? Wouldn't fix the feeling of dissatisfaction, but would give you more time - if they did morning or afternoon school run for example you could extend your days at work so feel you were making more progress.

This would also give the chance to go out in the evening to the gym, or with friends or even with dh if you could get him home once a week - or you could go to whereever he works and take him to dinner.

I'll keep this short. I'm 54 and love getting older! Can't possibly list all the things it's wonderful have lost! Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it - just wait until you get here

From the distance of 14 years, I can confirm that everything you've all said about being 40 is true. It's a brilliant time to get fit. Like many others, I achieved my highest levels of fitness - and best-ever figure - in my 40s. And made the most money. For women, it's also a period of high sexuality (honest!) and, coupled with that hot body & your more confident attitude, could be your steamiest decade. I'd strongly advise getting your OH to join you on your fit-n-funky mission, rather than buggering about with the postboy or the webcam. 40-50-year-old men look amazing when they shape up!

Alongside developing new interests, picking up old ones and/or going back to school, it's as close as most of us get to 'having it all'

tiredandgrumpy, it's a good idea to start with a spa day, new hairdo and a proper dinner date, at a grown-up restaurant, with Him Indoors. Get a taxi home. Look on it as a taster of things to come (for both of you).

Have fun!

I am worrying I might be the oldest person on Mumsnet, but it is a relief to find a few people in or around 40-50.

From my advanced old age of 56 (I think - have stopped counting) it gets better as you get older.

I remember crying buckets on my 40th birthday.

my 40s were pretty stressful. My mother had a stroke and lost her memory, so I spent 8 years nursing her. This was pretty tough. The worst part was that it was very difficult to find other people who want to share this experience with you , so I ended up leading a life that was like a long monastic retreat. Very isolated. Doing some rather complex art work.

When I came through that I was very quiet and nervous. I had lost all the confidence that i had when I had been able to go out to a normal job, and it has taken quite a few years to feel that there are a lot of things I can now do.

I am not sure if my attitudes now are down to my age or my mother's illness or a combination of both.

Building friendship is really important. I now have the friendships I spent 40 years looking for and it is really good. Also all the things that when you are younger seem to matter a lot, like having stuff, and having approval from other people that you don't care about too much just disappears.

Enjoy it!

We're both in our mid forties now and been together since Uni days - so its been a while! Our DS' range from 17 to 4. For the past few years we've beenable to do more together since our DS1 could babysit - started to go out to some evening gigs and other stuff we didn't get chance to do in our younger days. We have friends who have children at the older range of our DCs so getting ready for Uni / GCSEs and we have the little ones still in Primary! Guess it keeps us young though - would deffo say hitting 40 is not mid life - at least I don't see it that way! Our love life has gone up, probably helped by some permanent contraception and the best thing I we agreed to do. Had a job / career crisis early last year, got that resolved and then we treated me us to a luxury / sporty car. DW wanted a 2 seater but agreed not good to take it where she needs to work as most many of her clients have tags on. I'd say its a state of mind - think about what you may loose and what you had before but don't get stuck in the past you can always learn a few new tricks wether study, hobbies or in the sack. Having said all that realise we'll be pushing late 50s when last DS will be out the door at Uni. Until then we'll keep having fun .

My 50th is coming up very soon and I should feel some wild change coming on eg get a Harley or go to Istanbul on the Orient Express but quite frankly I have not the energy to even enthuse about a birthday.
Perhaps having our son two years ago has a lot to do with it.

Are you able to get some time to yourself tiredandgrumpy in order to take stock or take a step back and see things from a different perspective?

I love hearing from the older MNs. I am staring into my approaching 50's and beyond and wondering what life will be like for me then. But I'm going to have to wait till I'm 57 to have my MLC! , as my twins won't leave home before that age and are only 8 now.

How does anyone devote any time at all to yourself and your health when you have school aged children and are single - and I also run my own f/t business?

There is SO much I want to do - but more along the lines of creative pursuits than chasing men or travelling the world....but I haven't done anything except work and raise the DCs for the last nearly 9 yrs.

You are still SO young, tiredandgrumpy. You still have so much time left. Like everyone is saying, seize the day and find things that inspire and absorb you and then it won't matter so much if DH comes home late....or are your DCs so young still that you are busy all day long with them and nights too?

I only had a bit of a wobble when I hit forty (44 now)
On a superfical level I keep my hair done really trendy and have my make up updated regulary at Bobbi Brown and have a personal shopping session every 6 months.
I keep up with current trends and music - might not like it but like being aware of what is happening. I let things slip a few years ago and suddenly I felt old and that I had lost touch with modern culture.

It's not a case of trying to be something you are not but being on the boundaries of your comfort zone I think. If you are too comfortable you get complacement and well ... an old attitude I suppose.

A few years ago I got into the habit of slobbing every time I got home so I had a re think of what me and DH used to like doing - so we started doing that again. We now book and see every play in the season at the Playhouse whether we fancy it or not- We've had a few good surprises.
We go to gigs loads again. I tend to book all our social side of things. We often have parties and is a good laugh to have many friends round.

I developed interests that I had only dabbled in previously. I now go caving, climbing etc on a regular basis.

I changed my job. I am quite a surprise to some groups that I work with because what I do is normally associated with younger males.The job had refreshed me because I was getting a bit too bogged down previously and this is a hard challenge at times.

I rarely turn down an opportunity if I can help it. Recently me and mates have been to the Rocky Horror Show, done Go Ape again, seen some good indie films and have had some good lunches out.
Just re read about your DH late in. Me and my friends have themed evenings about once every 6 weeks. Host them at your place. For example Spanish nights just put some tapas out.e have had a Rocky Horror night, a Greek one and we are having a St Georges one in April. Have friends round for a go on the Wii. Brilliant after a few glasses of wine!

My advice - Make your own fun and grab it. You sound like you are fit and healthy therefore in a lot better position than many people. Be thankfull and enjoy your life!!

Flippin' Heck that was an edday from me! I think I must have been on one!!

ESSAY!! ESSAY ! I shouldn't type in the dark.

oh tiredandgrumpy -you sound just like me....same age, same length of time with dh...am also feeling depressed about my age!
I think it's a process of adjustment, of accepting that your life is entering a different phase...and somehow finding a way to embrace it. At least you enjoy your job, whatever its constraints (that sounds like me too-am a scientist but fairly ambition-free as I just can't put the hours in with 2 small children). Am sorry, i can't really give any advice, just empathise...

I'm 39. It is such a big relief to me that I'll hit 40 and have the marriage and kids (particularly the kids) bit done. I didn't want children after the age of 40 because of the increased risks. I would be beside myself if I was single without kids by now. I don't miss my 20s much. I developed a lot more confidence in my 30s. Hoping that turning 40 won't change me too much. I s'pose it's what you want out of life ... I would like a sports car, though, with no car seats in it

My tips (I'm 42, nearly 43) are:

Take up running - it's free, it'll keep you fit and slim and sane.

Pay for a really good haircut and colour with a top stylist.

join or start some sort of social club: a book club, a running club, a bridge club, wine tasting.

Get enough sleep

have at least a couple of dirty weekends away a year.

I turned 40 last year and have to agree with some others that it was worse in the anticipation. When it happened, it was like - oh well, can't do much about it really, and I'm still me. I'm pregnant, which helps I think because I feel like new things are still happening. On the downside, that means at the moment I'm too tired to look after my hair and suchlike and can't run etc., but I am looking forward to getting all that side of things back on track.

One thing that really helps me is looking at fabulous, happy, gorgeous women in their 40s/50s/60s who are having a great time, look good (and I don't mean look ridiculously young or surgeried-up, I just mean look healthy and happy and alive) and obviously haven't let their age change anything. When I was growing up I thought being 40 or 50-something meant grey permed hair, mushroom-coloured slacks and fussing around the house after your teenagers, because that was the example my mum's generation set. But now look at SJP, Nigella Lawson, Mariella Frostrup, Helen Mirren, women like that - enjoying their careers, wearing what they like and still being sexy/glam/fun women at whatever age. No one else has to limit you if you don't.

I don't know what is wrong with me, this is how I feel and I'm only 33!

My dh is studying and spends every waking hour in the library, he gets in at 11pm. We moved here so that he could go to uni, and I am self employed, working from home - so I see no one all day and despite living here 3 and a half years have no friends in the area. My ds goes to a childminder. I can't take up an evening class etc as I have to stay in with ds as I can't afford a babysitter as I pay a childminder at daytime, and dh is not earning. My family don't live in this country. I feel very very isolated.

Am at a low tonight as there is a comedy gig on in my village that I wanted to go to badly, and I just found out that my childminder is going...just depressed me to think of other people going and me never leaving the house. All I want to do lately is go out, drinking and dancing and go travelling. I am bored stiff and lonely. I asked my dh to go to lady gaga concert with me last week, he laughed at me, and then I thought that I don't really want to go with someone who does not really want to be there anyway. What I really want is a group of friends to go out with. I've told him that we are going away travelling next year when uni is over, he has agreed, he thinks I'm having a breakdown perhaps!

I will be forty this year and really quite dreading it. There is soooo much in my life that isn't right, I regret etc. However, a friend of mine, same age as me, has terminal cancer and this really does put everything in perspective when I am feeling low about my life. Turning 40 will be hard I know - but the alternative which my friend is facing is far, far worse. Chin up, count every day/experience/sight etc as a blessing.

my mid life crisis was a little different. A good friend died young, then someone in my family, another friend had a cancer scare. It made me realise that actually a career was less important than your family and friends. The trapping of "success" are not important. What you look like doesn't really matter, either. Being attractive to others only matters if you are not attractive to yourself - and if you don't like yourself why should other people like you?

I suggest you re-engage with the people that matter to you. So hire a babysitter and reignite the passion with your partner, find something you enjoy doing with the children and make some time to do whatever makes you feel happy. No-one else can tell you what that is, you have to find it for yourself. If you can think of nothing else help other people, it will make you realise how lucky you are.

I think everyone suffers from this at some point whether or not it's mid-life crisis or something else. There's a school of thought that in order to become socialised we actually suppress what we truly are, in order to become accepted. In fact, we spend our formative years being 'socialised' by our parents, for good or bad. So one thing that can fuel the crisis of middle-aged thinking is regret that we haven't been true to ourselves. I had a full-on 2 year mlc which I'm just about coming out of, I think. There are answers but you can't always find the solutions for yourself. Getting other peoples suggestions is a great way forward. Life/love/lust/flirting are all part of the rolloercoaster of life. Just keep talking and sharing. (PS I'm listening to 'Don't upset the Rhythm by the Noisettes - gets me grooving in the morn)
My wife loves to dance. We dance around the living room with the kids. I don't care how much of a plonker I look. While the girls still think I'm cool I'll keep groovin'.

PS. Being true to yourself doesn't mean turning your life upside down. I found, for me, it's about being assertive, speaking up for myself, being up-front and honest, and that's no easy task.

There is a fab writer (sadly no longer with us) who described the stages of life and love really well. We can all 'fall in love' we can all experience that buzz of being being wanted, or thinking we are... but that's all just the beginning. Truly deep love is sooo hard to achieve.

Have a read and see what you think. And good luck with it. Roly x
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck#The_Four_Stages_of_Spiritual_Development

It's Abba's dancing queen now. Yeah!

tiredandgrumpy I could have written your op

same age, circs and everything

I had been thinking that I was starting to have a nervous breakdown, but reading this thread has reassured me a bit that it's a bit of a rite of passage thing

it's hard though

I'm 48 now, name needs up dating
I didn't find 40 a problem as my DD was young and I was BF.

I just knew that I was fat slobby and blobby and didn't care. I had a gorgeous happy child to show for it. And that made it OK.

Now I'm heading for 50; and still fat slobby and blobby... and scared.

For me it's not "mid-life"; it's by stats 3/4s through.So I'm having a three quaters life crisis.
And I've got a 10 year old DD acting like an obnoxious teenager AND knowing that I'm going to be facing death, sooner rather than later.

It's a bugger.

Oh 47! (/48...) It's not that bad! - you're statistically not at 3/4 point until nearer 60, and having a teenager in your 50s is a good way to stay young and active if you can work up the energy. Do you think you might be a bit depressed? - if so your GP might help. I'm a terrible one for worrying about mortality but you can't let it stop you enjoying the life you have. 48 is so not too late to make some changes/take up some new things.

Marine; thank you.

I'm the 1st woman in 3 generations to get past 40.I am unique in my family history.

Feeling young, is exactly that.

i unfortunately have angst at the moment.

I want to force feed magic mushrooms to my angsty teenage (10 year old child); and my shit of a husband.

Unfortunately I can't because I can't find the magic mushrooms.

If you do find them, seems a waste to feed them to your family

I'm gonna sound a bit eccentric here maybe. But there's nothing bad about getting old. The media portrays youth as something desirable in itself, and beauty equals being young, but I don't think that's it at all. People look beautiful if they embrace the age they are and stop worrying about ageing.

Also, I think it's natural to feel differently towards your husband after being married so long. You stop being "in love" but that doesn't mean you stop loving him. If your parents are around (and you have a good relationship with them) then you'd probably say you love them, but I doubt if your heart leaps when they walk into a room.
Love is a verb - something you do not always something you experience. Behaving in a loving way towards your husband and doing nice things to him (even if you don't always feel like it) will actually strengthen your affection for him.

You're only 38 (nearly), so it's not like you're in your 70s and becoming frail! Think of all the things you can do...