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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my marriage ended tonight. What do I do?

36 replies

SweetAmaryllis · 20/09/2009 21:34

We've been having rows, big rows, ever since DS was born. Tonight, we had a blazer of a row and he kicked me. I told him to leave. He's still here - can't go anywhere - but says the marriage is over. What do I do?

OP posts:

sincitylover · 20/09/2009 21:39

How old is your DS? The first year after a baby is born is an enormous adjustment and big rows are common.

Are you both sleep deprived? Even if you were kicking you is completely not on

Do you think it's heat of the moment or he really means it?

Sorry for all the questions and sorry that this has happened.

preciouslillywhite · 20/09/2009 21:39

No idea

But bumping for you.

How old is ds? was booze involved?

Niftyblue · 20/09/2009 21:40

((((hug)))
He should not have kicked you
Could you go anywhere tonight?

Louby3000 · 20/09/2009 21:41

Heyyyyy you ok OP?? Come back on. You safe?

BrokenFlipFlop · 20/09/2009 21:42

Are you okay ie where he kicked you? Do you mean he can't go anywhere OR you can't go anywhere? Do you have any family at all close by?

Original poster

SweetAmaryllis · 20/09/2009 21:46

Don't worry about all the questions - I need to spill my guts really.
DS is 15 months.
We have a tricky situation - DH (!) works at the other end of the country, but I'm close to my parents and work quite flexi hours. I'm very career oriented, and so is DH. I've had the brunt of the childcare really, and I've become quite whingey etc because I'm also a feminist and hate the whole role I'm in. But I love my DS, obviously!
Not really sleep deprived these days although I have a hellish week coming up at work, and I've been tetchy and snappy all day, and I'm quite ruthless and intolerant really. But I feel DH coasts along without having to deal with minor issues like laundry and food shopping.
Anyhow, that's all the pathetic sniping... He's hit me before. We're not talking a beating here, mainly more of a flick. But the kick today was unacceptable, and I told him to go. But it seems it's actually over, and he actually is going to leave. I kind of thought he would beg forgiveness...but he says the end has been a long time coming. I'm now desperate to beg for forgiveness - but then, he doesn't seem to respect me, and he wouldn't kick his dog, so why me? I'm...confused, panicky...the urge to keep going and manage is very strong. But OMG, this is massive.

OP posts:

Original poster

SweetAmaryllis · 20/09/2009 21:48

Sorry, I'm ok. He kicked me in the bum. (!!) Obv. not life threatening violence, but to me any violence is wrong. And I always said I'd immediately leave someone who hit me. Except I've not.
He can't go anywhere due to me living in the back of beyond. I could take DS to my Mum's, but that would be, well, admitting this is happening. Oh, so confused.

OP posts:

stainesmassif · 20/09/2009 21:52

Amaryllis - you are absolutely right. kicking you is completely unacceptable. your husband should be begging you for forgiveness. end of story. don't allow him to make you feel guilty. expecting your partner to share household chores is not pathetic. you created a life together, you care for it together. don't allow him to make you feel responsible for his inability to control his temper.

Louby3000 · 20/09/2009 21:53

Bloody Hell, I think you guys could do with a bit of space and get some perspective. You have a kid you are tied to each other, so you know if he leaves tonight, he will come back.
I dont understand why you are OK with a "bit of a flick"? Surely this is the slippery slope?
Sleep on it. Let him leave.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/09/2009 21:56

fwiw i wouldnt be so worried about admitting it - you need to be safe and have some time out for both of you to calm down and let the dust settle. id go to your mums for the night, you dont have to keep it hidden and you might welcome a chance to talk it over with someone who isnt embroiled in the ins/outs of it all.
it will give you chance to think about what you want.

motherlovebone · 20/09/2009 21:57

just want to send my support.

how dare he.

bastard!

Original poster

SweetAmaryllis · 20/09/2009 22:03

I'm not feeling in danger, though. I could take him (he's quite puny). But it's the lack of respect, because it's never acceptable, right? Not even a flick - because that's not normal. I do know that.

I have this big fear though...single mum, hectic busy life, I live for my work (and my DS, but then he's not going anywhere and my work might not be feasible on my own). And having a failed marriage when in many ways I had a perfect setup, and I'm seen as someone who copes with everything; I would be seen as nasty-woman-with-balls in some circles... Also, obv. (or maybe not!) DH adores DS, and vice versa. DH has been a big support to me through v. difficult times, and he's always the one I turn to - in this case I so want to ask him his opinion etc, but we're not speaking. It's all so weird, like he was possessed. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde and all that.

Sorry this is all v. disjointed and confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

SweetAmaryllis · 20/09/2009 22:04

Going to bed (separately to him) but I so do not want to wake up to this in the morning.

OP posts:

Louby3000 · 20/09/2009 22:05

Not at all, this is massive. What is he doing now?

Louby3000 · 20/09/2009 22:07

Night, things will look better in the am.

morningpaper · 20/09/2009 22:08

No advice just.... keep talking if you need to. Lots of people are listening, even if they are not sure what to say. XXX

motherlovebone · 20/09/2009 22:09

dont worry about how others view you.

you will cope as a singe mum, im sure, if thats what you want.

you def. need some space though, a cooling off period. maybe see how you feel/cope without him a while.

could your parents help with childcare until you find your feet?

ideal word, what do you want?

causeforconcern · 20/09/2009 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

groundhogs · 20/09/2009 22:47

Just wishing you a good night's sleep and a rosier day tomorrow.. Thinking of you

hanaboo · 21/09/2009 00:55

sometimes a break is all u need. could u maybe suggest this to him and say perhaps with a bit of compromise on both sides the marriage could still work?

mathanxiety · 21/09/2009 05:19

Saying a bit of compromise on both sides is like admitting he has a right to kick and "flick" you, and deal with problems not by talking respectfully but by essentially shutting you up with violence. Violence is about control. It is not about respect. It comes from a place where there is no respect for the relationship or the other person, or recognition of the other person's right to communicate and live without fear.

meerkatsandkookaburras · 21/09/2009 06:26

just wanted to add if you do choose to leave and go to a refuge, they are lovely places with lovely staff xxxx ive been before, its hard and emotional but uts ok xx

skidoodle · 21/09/2009 06:52

If he works at the other end if the country, how it unfair that you bear the brunt of the childcare?

Repeated massive rows are very stressful. If you have been causing them because you feel aggrieved then you may have put him under more pressure than he can bear.

It sounds like you both need a break from the relationship and to try to put things back together with some professional help.

HappyWoman · 21/09/2009 09:24

it does sound as if you have both said and done things that you would like to 'forgive'. Of course any physical violence is not acceptable and if that is truly how you feel then you must stick to that and he must leave. Seek support from whoever you can and dont for one moment think you are wrong for that or that you have failed in anyway.

However you seem from your post not so sure - and that maybe you actually want to forgive him - but is that making you question yourself??

I like many others thought that if my h had an affair that would be it - however when faced by it i too like you was scared and if anything the confusion i have about how i can justify 'allowing' that is worse.

With help you can get back on track if that is what you want - but you must both face up to it and deal with it and work together.

Good luck and hope you feel ok today.

Lemonylemon · 21/09/2009 12:42

The physical violence is unacceptable - totally.

If you're a feminist, then you can do it all by yourself anyway..... Not sure why you're whinging about the childcare aspects if he's the other end of the country.

You say that you're intolerant and ruthless - maybe this is a clue as to why your DH has said it's the end?

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