I think my marriage ended tonight. What do I do?

[SweetAmaryllis]

We've been having rows, big rows, ever since DS was born. Tonight, we had a blazer of a row and he kicked me. I told him to leave. He's still here - can't go anywhere - but says the marriage is over. What do I do?

Guys, still here - mad time at work - but thanks for all your comments. We're still working on this, but not sure where to go with it at the moment.

SweetAmaryllis

Glad that things have calmed down. TBH we had some NUCLEAR arguments in the first year. things have only just strated to calm down and DS is 18 months! I am not in any way condoning him kicking your butt. But there seems to be something in the combination of new responsibilities, sleep deprivations, nerves around childcare, work issues and the whole domestic thing (how a carerr girl suddenly has the bulk or household admin for example) that turned me loopy. For example even over minor things anger can flare very very fast.

I suppose what I want to say is that what you are going through is very very normal.

So dont make any drastic changes just try and step back from the situation and cool down. It does take two to tango, and some persp[ective and calm time may help?

Good luck, and remeber this is very very normal x

i'm really surprised at the response to Amaryllis' post - her dh has kicked her and rather than apologise has told her that he is leaving, and she's accused of whinging about childcare, advised to compromise and told that it's normal?? not the mumsnet that i'm used to. any physical violence is not acceptable. yes, the first year is very hard, still no excuse for resorting to violence.

You need to talk, talk, talk and then talk some more.

It's a seriously stressful time after the birth of your first child, especially if you're both working full time and you're trying to remain an independent career woman.

If the DH wanted to talk he could have talked. He's presumably a big boy and knows how to use words. But he chose to communicate with a kick in the bum. The OP presumably has a choice about whether she will kick her H, but chose not to. We all have a choice when we argue, about what direction the argument will take. In this instance, a grown man capable of getting along with others at work and doing all sorts of stressful things like driving across the country, chose to deal with his W and the stress of home life by kicking her.

staines - perhaps it was because she mentioned the f word!!

I agree not the usual mnet response.

While I DO NOT condone violence.

Sometimes verbal violence can be worse, more degrading and emotionally scarring.

While we don't have a lot of detail the OP suggests her H is wimpy, she is a ball breaker and they have been arguing A LOT.

So fault could well lay on BOTH sides and maybe it is best that this is the end. Kids shouldn't grow up seeing any sort of abuse or violence - physical, verbal or otherwise

do as causeforconcern said and ring womens aid. hope you had some sort of sleep and feel slighty better now. sorry i have no proper advice but your story has been read and i've kind of listened if that makes sense.

the type of hitting sounds like venting of some long held resentment and frustrations on his part. these may or may not be worth exploring in marriage counseling.

you say he doesn't help much with the laundry and shopping but how could he if he works at the other end of the country? I am not taking 'sides' here, just looking at what you wrote from the outside.

fwiw, dh works away all week too and we have 2 small ones 4.5 and 11 mos. I also work FT. Even if he were at home every night, my career goals as a child less woman to that of a working mother had adjustments if I wanted to be the kind of mother I hope to be. The achievements and timescale of them have altered. The only way I could have maintained those goals would have been with a housekeeper and nanny.

Agree with mathanxiety. OP, you're making excuses for him - convincing yourself that he "only" kicked you, and he "only" kicked you because you made him. Bollocks, he made a choice.

Being a feminist and being unhappy with having essentially 2 full time jobs while oh continues as before both sound reasonable to me. But the point is, even if you hadn't been reasonable, you weren't violent. He was.

Evening all! Thanks everyone, this is all helping a lot. Sorry for the delay, btw - also having a major week at work (it's the big week at work).
I don't want to do all my armchair psychology on here, but we're still trying to work through this.

I agree with those who say the fault is on both sides - I'm not claiming perfection (oh, if only! ). I think I am putting pressure on him - yes, I'm working and also doing the bulk of the childcare (and as someone has said, I can't really expect him to do laundry from the other side of the country). I fully accept that when he's away, the housework is down to me; I just get fed up because when he's here, I'm still doing all of the housework and I don't like the role I'm pushed into. That one has been talked through, and so far, so good - on Monday, he was here all day and did househusbanding as well as working, dropping off DS and picking him up. Not rocket science, but just what I have to do.

The kick - well, I'm still struggling with that. My attitude has always been any violence = unacceptable = leave. AllThreeWays that's exactly it - I don't want DS to see any kind of violence, verbal or otherwise. I kind of hate myself for not agreeing with DH and ending it on Sunday. Then again, I have a child with him, we are bound together, he is wimpy, and I'm stroppy, perfectionist and quite intolerant. But all I keep going back to is whatever I do, whatever, it's still not ok to kick me.
I want that to stop, and also the disrespectful behaviour (shouting etc) - because although I obviously row back (!), I don't act disrespectfully. That's for counselling.

Other points -

• DH complained that he's feeling all emasculated. (I'm just throwing these out there - no idea whether it's relevant or not.)
• DH is remorseful for kicking me. But I kind of wanted tears and self-flagellation for that.
• DH is worried that he'll be banned from seeing DS after counselling. I guess that means he is aware of how serious his behaviour is?
• I am willing to admit I'm also in the wrong, but I still maintain that nothing I do deserves violence or disrespect.

Really sorry about the massive post. Thanks so much to all of you for the help and support - it's really helped me keep this in perspective (i.e. it's not silly, it is serious, it doesn't have to be fatal but it's not going to be easy). Thanks a million!