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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Violent reaction when confronted with suspected infedility??

32 replies

startingovernow · 19/09/2009 22:06

Can anyone offer an opinion as to why dh would have got v aggressive & violent when I confronted him that I suspected he was being unfaithful. He is very prone to being fiery when confronted. I'm just wondering was his reaction because he was angry over being caught or angry over being accused in the wrong? Anyone any experience of this?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/09/2009 22:10

Aggressive and violent sounds like someone who is not relationship material, whether he has cheated or not.

mrsboogie · 19/09/2009 22:18

a) because he is guilty as hell
and
b) because he is a jeb-end of the highest order

you need to bin him off- you can't trust him and he can't control himself.

aRLcat · 19/09/2009 22:20

Agree with Max, in any context those behaviours are unnaceptable!

FWIW, I'd say guilty conscience but then, I don't know him.

What are your instincts telling you?

MsHighwater · 19/09/2009 22:43

Being wrongly accused would be a reason for getting angry (which is to say, it would be understandable) tho not for getting violent. What actually happened?

2rebecca · 19/09/2009 22:55

Agree with mathanxiety.
It's irrelevent whether he's been unfaithful, what are you doing with a violent guy?

aRLcat · 19/09/2009 22:57

Obviously meant Math, apologies

SolidGoldBrass · 20/09/2009 01:42

The reason he got violent is because he's an arsehole who thinks that he matters more than you. Where he might be sticking his dick is not important: get rid of him because he thinks he's entitled to be aggressive towards you.

BitOfFun · 20/09/2009 01:50

Yup.

The two worst things in by book would be violence/aggressiveness and shagging around behind your back.

You only need one to bin em, imo...

DogAgain · 20/09/2009 01:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 20/09/2009 02:01

you are his wife,what is your hunch?why ask the question?

irrespective of what strangers on mn speculate what does your instinct tell you?

Original poster
startingovernow · 20/09/2009 15:30

Thanks for all of the replies. I am very confused & have no idea what is really going on. He seems to be after having some sort of mental breakdown, he's very unstable & I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. He needs urgent phyciatric help but is in complete denial.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/09/2009 16:03

i had a terrible time with my ex,who eventually did have the breakdown. its not pretty,and not nice stuck in the middle and copping the flak...

how are things now? whats he been doing/saying?

countingto10 · 20/09/2009 16:13

He could be having an affair and a breakdown - my DH did.

The affair was a symptom of the breakdown if that makes sense - it was his "rock bottom".

Not a lot I can say but I wish you every luck and hope things improve quickly.

macdoodle · 20/09/2009 18:30

Hmmm a handy excuse - my XH had a "breakdown" too what he meant was he couldnt cope with guilt/being caught out/being chucked out/losing his family/his nice house etc etc - and yes of course then I was supposed to feel sorry for him!

How on earth is having an affair because of a breakdown - sorry dont believe it for a minute!

Sorry OP - a violent aggressive reaction is a marker of guilt in my book!

AnyFucker · 20/09/2009 20:47

guilty m'lud

of infidelity or violence

either/or is a binning offence in my book

2rebecca · 20/09/2009 22:01

There's no such illness as a "breakdown" usually people who use the term were either depressed or anxious. Neither anxious or depressed people are prone to have affairs. Depression usually lowers your libido, an anxious person would find the whole idea of an affair way too stressful. Sounds like DH didn't like being found out and found melodrama easier than apologising.

lavenderkate · 20/09/2009 22:06

Tbh I am amazed that some people can tell you to bin him so quickly.
Things are never so straight forward you lot!

Startingover, what happened?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2009 22:08

so violence is ok, lavendarkate ??

and Op should wait around for more of the same ?????

violence is never ok

lavenderkate · 20/09/2009 22:26

Not what I said.

Ithink that we have to be very careful telling people to 'bin' their life partners after a sentence.

It might be more constructive to listen more and offer more constructive advice.

Would you not agree?

AnyFucker · 20/09/2009 22:27

no

unavailable · 20/09/2009 22:37

Well, I agree Lavender...
OP - Was he violent to you? What do you mean by a "violent reaction"? The consensus on here seems to be that he hit you. Until you expand on your first post its difficult to have a view.

aRLcat · 21/09/2009 08:46

My X had an affair and 'breakdown' in conjunction too, funnily enough, to the extent he was very nearly sectioned by his mother. My preference was dissection but neither step was taken!

There seems to be a pattern forming?

He was aggressive when found out as well.

Re. your OP, Startingover: "I'm just wondering was his reaction because he was angry over being caught or angry over being accused in the wrong?"

Both! He will be angry over being caught and being accused in the wrong because it wont be his fault (to his mind).

Don't be drawn into his confusion or agressive exchanges! It will be in part genuine, in part an attempt to throw you.

2rebecca, there is such a thing (illness) as a breakdown, it's dangerous to say otherwise! It is otherwise known as a 'crisis' and is the point at which suicide becomes a higher likely outcome. Even if he has had/is having an affair and this state is the fall out of that it doesn't actually make it any less valid.

If you are genuinely concerned about his mental health startingover, call your local community mental health team for advice, they should have an on call social worker available.

Aside from anything you will soon receive confirmation of wether he is bluffing in any sense, or not.

MsHighwater · 21/09/2009 21:57

Just where do some of you get off making the assumptions that you have to have made to give the advice you are giving?

At the moment, I neither know whether the OP's dh actually had an affair nor whether what he did was actually physically violent. She has said he was aggressive and violent but has not yet replied to two posts asking what actually happened. Until she does I am reserving judgement on what happened and on what I think would be a sensible course of action.

macdoodle · 21/09/2009 22:01

Touchy MsH?? Why so...defensive??
We have made suggestions/comments/advice based on the OP - that is why she posted and all we have to go on!
If no one posted because they didnt know anything...well.....then no one would post...and there wouldnt be much point to MN at all

Original poster
startingovernow · 21/09/2009 22:04

Thanks again for all of the replies. To clarify, it was more that he went violently insane rather than hitting me. It was very frightening though. He seems to have gone completely off the rails.

He is fighting with everybody. I cant talk to him without getting vile aggression. Everybody who knows him thinks he should be sectioned at this point but he thinks he's fine & is well able to give that impression if he has to.

I've lost my dh overnight & I'm left with all the horrible questions in my head as to if he was being unfaithful or not. It would deffinately not have been an affair, if he was it must have been picking people up etc. He was suffering from depression & said his medication interfered with his libido but I'm not sure if there was more to it than that.

I'm not even sure why I bothered to post on here really as the whole thing is just pointless now. I don't think I'm going to either get answers or my dh back at this stage. I just feel so sad, i lost my dh & I've no idea why or what happened.

OP posts: