please give me you honest opinions and tell me if I am justified in being worried, or just paranoid

[ParanoidOrWhat]

Background. DH and me have been married nearly 11 years. Have DC's together. Been trying for another baby for over a year (joint decision, dh been desperate for another!) Kept asking him if he was sure it was what he wanted and he said yes he can't wait to have lots of kids with me.

The past few months, things have been 'different' (i suppose is the only way to describe it) between us.

DH has been a bit stressed at work I know that (reasons i can't really go into on here but shall we say 'difficult colleague') He is starting an evening course now on mondays to work towards a segree, which he has wanted to do for years, and now finally got the chance and I am so happy for him, he can better himself/move jobs etc.

There are certain things that he has done etc lately that are really starting to get me, and I'm not sure if I am just being paranoid, or whether there is really something wrong.

1. I recently fell pregnant. DH's response was 'you're not are you' follwed by 'well if that's what you want' Then he disappeared upstairs to use his phone.

1. He gets through the credit on his phone but I am lucky if I get 1 text a week off him now. Always used to get several texts a day from him saying he loves me/misses me etc. Now....nothing. He says he can't get a very good signal at work now, yet he is using his credit SOMEHOW!

1. He won't tell me he loves me anymore. Even when I tell him first. He said it the other day in a hurried response to me trying to get a reaction out of him, almost had to force him to say it as such, but he wouln't even look at me when he said it.

1. He won't even just come and give me a cuddle or anything anymore, or tell me I look nice etc.

1. The only time he wants sex is in the middle of the night when he has woken up from 'one of his dreams'. But even then, he won't look at me while we are doing anything. If I try to instigate sex, I get rejected, or he gives in then couldn't look more bored and like he wants to be somewhere else if he tried.

1. He has started occasionally going into work for the odd hour on his day off (when he actually gets a day off!)

1. He has 'lost' his wedding ring, but doesn't seem particularly bothered by this, whereas he has always gone mad on previous occasions he couldn't find it (takes it off to exersize)

1. He seems to try to do anything but spend time with me. When I make the effort to spend time with him, he ends up doing something else, tinkering with car/bike/shed etc. When we do spend time together he just sits staring at the telly or we sit in silence, I try to have a conversation with him but he just seems bored.

1. He has put a pin lock on his phone so nobody can see whats on it.

10. He asked the other week how to put something in his calendar on his phone, so I showed him, and he had an event already in there about one of the girls at work passing her driving test. Not sure why he would need to know that

I have spoken to him about everything and he has no explaination except that I am being paranoid.
So maybe I am being paranoid, maybe its my pregnancy hormones going mad, but I just don't know what to think. Someone give me their opinion before I crack

i really don't know Jem. I am just making myself feel ill thinking about it.

thing is paranoidorwhat, he is going to lose you at this rate regardless of whether he has had an affair or not as his behaviour is pushing you away,

i am really sorry, whatever is happening, he is being a total arse

yes lulu, he is. Either way I am getting further and further away from him.

have you got an opportunity for a big talk very soon?

i don't konw lulu. trouble is, if he comes home 'in a mood' it almost puts me off talking to him incase it upsets everything badly, but the if he is in a reasonably good mood, I don't want to upset the applecart! No win situation.

Can you talk to him about things in general? ie pick a time you are both alone (I do know it's hard with 2DC already), AND THEN BROACH OTHER SUBJECTS?

Sorry caps, bane of my life... but has he gradually withdrawn from you so communication is difficult? This is what is worrying, ..how do you want to talk to him...have things changed in that wauy, ie has he engineered things so that it is difficult for the 2 of you to be close?

Any of his work friends you know to chat to?

if i disappear, it will be because he has come home, not because I am being unsociable! And I do appreciate all your thoughts and comments, and will be back to the thread as soon as I can!

the situation will become untenable soon, he can keep pushing you away and becoming moody but the problems will still be there

i hope you can find a way forward

no jem, theres nobody at work i can talk to. Thats another thing he has done, he wouldn't let me go to any of the 'do's' at work, even though I said I would go. Its like he is trying to keep me away from there sometimes. Makes me wonder why. And yes, it seems that he is almost making it deliberatley difficult for us to be alone together, and when we are he is disinterested and won't talk. Even about everyday stuff.

do you think it is pssible that he is just totally freaked about a 3rd baby and is talking to someone about it as he does not want to discuss with you and is keeping you at arms length because of that, rather than anything else? not that that is ok, but he might be v v v worried about work stuff and the baby and feels he cannot stress you out by talking abotu it?

just trying to see another side, not make excuses for him

this behaviour started before I found out I was pregnant. I can see where you are coming from lulu, but I can't see who else there would be for him to talk to up at work. The only other bloke here with kids is the boss (whos kids have all left home) and another bloke who happens to be the colleague he is having 'trouble' with

Paranoid, I really feel for you, because it all feels wrong.

Thing is, what do you want to happen, want to do about it, etc....have you a plan? Cos you have to take some sort of action as you obviously feel shite about all this, understandably.

ok, in that case, i can;t see any possible reason or justification/excuse for him and i don';t know what else to advise except i hope you have RL support x

i think i will just have to talk to him tonight. I'm not sure I can go another day like this. If he is in a good mood, maybe casually ask him if he has found his wedding ring yet and go from there?? No point having a plan as such, I go to pieces when I am emotional. He won't go to counselling. I don't want to be offering ultimatums though either.

i have nobody in real life lulu. Hence why I am on here.

Poor you, you sound so sad

What a shitty situation

Have you asked him for the pin number? Tell him it is upsetting you and you would just like reassurance that he trusts you

doesn't sound paranoid

Is he deliberately not getting time off at work or is that part of the problem?

Do you know the women at work, is he likely to have confided and got close to one of them?

I don't know where you go from here. I would try and talk to him. A proper serious talk. If he won't talk to you, I'd be tempted to try and figure out what's going on if you can (like insisting you come to a work do...). Dunno, it's hard isn't it.

I also think that if you have no-one in your life that you could talk to you need to start thinking about ways to improve your life (on your own). Do you get much time to yourself where you could get out and do something that you want to do?

because if it turns out to be nothing, I will never live it down, and he won't trust me then.

I need to say something else as well...maybe I should have said it before.

the past few times we have had sex, he has put his hands tight around my throat, and last time, he slapped me round the face. Without even looking at me

Could you ask him to let you use his phone for something? Tell him you dropped yours in the bath/stood on it/the dog ate it, anything to get at his phone and past the pin lock. If he refuses or tells you to use another phone/he needs to use his/messes with his phone before handing it over/gives you it but stands over you and seems anxious - you know he's up to something. Doing any of the above is not how somebody with nothing incriminating on their phone behaves.

Get it, go to the bathroom with it, lock the door if it's lockable, have a conversation with yourself as though you're on the phone with somebody and have a good snoop through it.

I don't normally recommend snooping, I've done it myself and I know how destructive it can be trying to find something.. anything to add some substance to your suspicions. But in this case, I think you need some proof. You can't carry on being made to feel this way. You need to see that you aren't a hormonal, paranoid mess.

Just read your last update - Oh my god. Absolutely not on if it was not agreed prior to him doing this. You're pregnant ffs. Talk to him, sooner rather than later. Do not worry about 'living it down'. Whether he is up to anything or not - any sane person will see that behaving like he has been is reason enough for your partner to become suspicious.

Don't start it with the wedding ring - although it might have massive symbolic importance, it is something that can be easily dismissed as being unimportant.

Unlike say pressuring your pregnant wife to have sex while she is bleeding and worried, or not doing your fair share around the house.

He is not treating you well at the moment and it is upsetting you: that is something he has to deal with. If he won't go to counselling tell him you'll start going on your own, but that you hope he will join you before your marriage is irreparably damaged.

This talk should not be about asking questions - there will be time for that. It should be about making it clear that there is a problem and that you expect it to be dealt with starting now, even if that means starting alone until he can see his way to playing his part.

Ok just read about him hitting you during sex!

Sorry, but if things are at that stage you are at ultimatum time: he needs to talk to you about what is going on and it needs to be dealt with now or he needs to leave.

i know skidoodle.

This has taken a very worrying turn indeed! I don't quite know what to say, but I think I would be making plans to ask him to leave tbh. This situation sounds terrible for you.

Oh dear

Sorry, I agree with skidoodle, I'd ask him to leave tonight until he is ready to talk