please give me you honest opinions and tell me if I am justified in being worried, or just paranoid

[ParanoidOrWhat]

Background. DH and me have been married nearly 11 years. Have DC's together. Been trying for another baby for over a year (joint decision, dh been desperate for another!) Kept asking him if he was sure it was what he wanted and he said yes he can't wait to have lots of kids with me.

The past few months, things have been 'different' (i suppose is the only way to describe it) between us.

DH has been a bit stressed at work I know that (reasons i can't really go into on here but shall we say 'difficult colleague') He is starting an evening course now on mondays to work towards a segree, which he has wanted to do for years, and now finally got the chance and I am so happy for him, he can better himself/move jobs etc.

There are certain things that he has done etc lately that are really starting to get me, and I'm not sure if I am just being paranoid, or whether there is really something wrong.

1. I recently fell pregnant. DH's response was 'you're not are you' follwed by 'well if that's what you want' Then he disappeared upstairs to use his phone.

1. He gets through the credit on his phone but I am lucky if I get 1 text a week off him now. Always used to get several texts a day from him saying he loves me/misses me etc. Now....nothing. He says he can't get a very good signal at work now, yet he is using his credit SOMEHOW!

1. He won't tell me he loves me anymore. Even when I tell him first. He said it the other day in a hurried response to me trying to get a reaction out of him, almost had to force him to say it as such, but he wouln't even look at me when he said it.

1. He won't even just come and give me a cuddle or anything anymore, or tell me I look nice etc.

1. The only time he wants sex is in the middle of the night when he has woken up from 'one of his dreams'. But even then, he won't look at me while we are doing anything. If I try to instigate sex, I get rejected, or he gives in then couldn't look more bored and like he wants to be somewhere else if he tried.

1. He has started occasionally going into work for the odd hour on his day off (when he actually gets a day off!)

1. He has 'lost' his wedding ring, but doesn't seem particularly bothered by this, whereas he has always gone mad on previous occasions he couldn't find it (takes it off to exersize)

1. He seems to try to do anything but spend time with me. When I make the effort to spend time with him, he ends up doing something else, tinkering with car/bike/shed etc. When we do spend time together he just sits staring at the telly or we sit in silence, I try to have a conversation with him but he just seems bored.

1. He has put a pin lock on his phone so nobody can see whats on it.

10. He asked the other week how to put something in his calendar on his phone, so I showed him, and he had an event already in there about one of the girls at work passing her driving test. Not sure why he would need to know that

I have spoken to him about everything and he has no explaination except that I am being paranoid.
So maybe I am being paranoid, maybe its my pregnancy hormones going mad, but I just don't know what to think. Someone give me their opinion before I crack

[MorrisZapp]

From what you've posted, I'd say that the question of is he cheating or not is almost irrelevant.

The other stuff warrants you ending it immediately even if he isn't sleeping with somebody else (which I think he is, sorry).

Hassling you for sex while you are pg and bleeding, refusing to look at you during sex, slapping you... oh my god.

'Good people' don't do these things. Please have the courage to stand up for yourself and take action. Nobody deserves to be treated with such contempt as this.

[porcamiseria]

This is NOT looking good, and when PG you dont deserve any of it, let alone the night throttle stuff.

This is hard to say but I think you need to play hardball here, get tough and give him a taste of his own medecine. Rightnow his behavious is disgusting and if I were you I would fight back. I am not saying the below is what to do, but these are what I'd consider in your position so he starts to see that its not tolerable.

refuse night time sex
challenge himk over the throttling, is that any way to treat the mother is his kids?
stop asking for affection, see if he notices
make it very very clear that his behaviour is not working and demnonstrate that until he wants to discuss, you will continue to ice him

I am so so sorry for your situation and if I were you I would start to fight back and make him realise that he cant behave like this.

Good luck

[commeuneimage]

Try: www.cheatingspousepi.com/signs_of_infidelity/

It gives a list of all the clues that someone is cheating.

It's very easy to explain these away because we don't want to believe the worst, but when you see the list it becomes much clearer.

I'm sorry you're in a horrible position. But you will get through this time. I wish you lots of luck.

[skidoodle]

Good post wannabe

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this paranoid, and that you feel so alone

you do need to deal with this, and it needs to be soon.

[wannabehappy]

I think I do understand why you think that this behaviour is not 'really him'. Please try and get some help to ask him to leave for a while, you don't need to be antagonistic. It would be spot on to say you both need some time to think things through and decide what shape you want your family to be.

Please keep posting when you can, we are worried about you.
X

[PlumBumMum]

Don't send the text,
but write down what you have in the text in point form,
so that if you talk to him its all there and he can't throw you and make you forget something

Is it possible that he has discovered a taste for this type of thing and is being strange around you because he's embarrassed, not that excuses anything he has done

it dosen't explain his phone either,

whatever the explaination for his behaviour you can't sit about and ignore the problem, its not good for you or the baby, or your other children

[LuluMamaaaaarrrrr]

based on the violence , I would tell him he needs to leave , not ask him, tell him.

say you believe he needs some time to sort out his priorities

he wanted sex with you whilst you were bleeding , which could have been a miscarriage, and at other times he has hurt you /slapped you during sex

that to me is far more worrying and sinister

i would be worrying for my safety and the childrens'

he needs some sort of professional help

get a male family member or friend round if neccessary to support you when you ask him to leave

i could not be in the house with a man like that, there could be no trust left

[tammybear]

I don't think you should send the text, you should talk to him in person. Maybe suggest a break which will give you both time to think things over.

[ParanoidOrWhat]

hi sorry I left, he came home from work. We didn't talk. He was in a reasonably good mood. I just sat on the sofa all night while he was messing around with his stuff round the house. I will try and answer as many of you as possible who replied since my last post, so here goes.

SheWillBeLoved I don't think he would give me the phone

lavenderkate I am seriously debating asking him to leave. I bet he will take an interest in the baby then. Use it against me.

TheCrackFox and WickedWench I know what you mean, but at the same time, it really isn't like him, and I want to get to the bottom of it.

wannabehappy again, I think I am going to ask him to leave for a while

FabBakerGirlIsBack yes he seems unhappy, I just wish I knew what to do !

AnAuntieNotAMum he knew he was doing it, he did try to apologise in a round about way the next day. But wouldn't say why he did it or apologise properly if you know what i mean?

PlumBumMum yes i suppose it all started around the same time

He is the kind of person who, if i try to explain anything, constantly butts in and that throws me then! Anyway, he knew that something was wrong, he kept asking me what was wrong all last night and this morning but I just kept clamming up. I kept him at arms length and he didn't come anywhere near me all night or this morning. He isn't a bad person, I honestly believe that, but something inside him isn't the same any more and I don't know what to do about it. I wrote out a massive text message for him this morning with all this in, and all together, yes it sounds bad. Thought me might realise that then, but I haven't sent it yet. I don't know whether to or not.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Fucking hell! Violence during sex. You have got to leave him

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I have spoken to him about everything and he has no explaination except that I am being paranoid.

This always rings alarms bells for me, trying to make out your mad without any explation defo something up.

You must talk to someone in RL to help get some perspective.

[PlumBumMum]

Just came back to this, OMG can't believe your last post op

Hope your ok?

Did this happen when everything else started to feel different? Has he ever asked to do anything you were uncomfortable with?

for you

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

Hope tonight went OK for you. Just a thought on the slapping you and sex in the middle of the night - you say he isn't looking at you - is he actually awake? I had a friend who was an extreme sleepwalker/had night terrors and at times of great stress had been known to punch people while asleep as well as a myriad of other strange behaviours.

[tammybear]

I've been watching the thread, but haven't said anything yet. But I wanted to say after your last update, that you need to think about yourself and your children. The way he is treating you is disgraceful! You need to talk to him and tell it's not right, and way out of order. If he can't see that or won't speak to you, then you may need to rethink things over.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you hugs.

[dippymummyto2boys]

It doesn't sound ay all like you are being paranoid.

Affair or not his behaviour towards you (and your unborn child) sounds awful. Slapping during sex - wtf?! How horrible of him. Even worse is the pestering when you are pregnant and bleeding.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

He could be having an affair.

He could be fooling around with different women.

He seems very unhappy with his life.

How about you distance yourself very obviously and see how he feels.

Refuse to sleep with him.

Talk to him as it is the only way you will really know.

Good luck.

[wannabehappy]

First you can children (born and unborn) need to be safe. That means you need to ask him to leave for a while, have a break, whatever. It means you should not be on your own while doing this. Get anyone round, a neighbour, friend, someone you know from toddler group or contact Woman's Aid.

Then, ask if he will meet you at MC. If he will - great. If he won't well I hate to say it but it might be a done deal FOR THE MOMENT.

We are all guessing with no real idea of what is happening in his life - he may be very stressed and worried about ll sorts of things. That is not in my opinion a reasonable excuse for his behaviour tho you might feel differently if he agrees to go to MC

Take very good care of yourself

[WickedWench]

behaving extremely badly I mean

[WickedWench]

I'd have packed his bags already. He's violent, utterly disrespectful and in all probability is cheating - or building up to it at the very least.

Sorry but life is too short to waste on arseholes and hoping they'll turn back into the nice people they once appeared to be.

I wouldn't waste my time pondering the ifs, buts and maybes and wondering why he's behaving so badly. He is behaving extremely and you need to decide how much longer you are prepared to tolerate it.

Sorry, that probably sounds harsh but you deserve better.

[BitOfFun]

I tend to agree with you, Crackfox.

[TheCrackFox]

If anyone treated me like that during sex (or any other time) they would be out of my life so fast. Is there really any point in having a discussion with someone like that?

[JemAtTheParrotsTable]

OP you still here?

You ok?

[lavenderkate]

Paranoid. Would you even feel comfortable asking him to leave? I mean without being at risk of him becoming aggressive?
If in doubt dont confront him.

[morningpaper]

Oh dear

Sorry, I agree with skidoodle, I'd ask him to leave tonight until he is ready to talk