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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fantastic man - nightmare friends - HELP!

34 replies

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 14:06

I have been seeing a man for the last 6 months. We have really connected, have a lot in common and he is very serious about a future with me and my two children. He talks about a future, he knows what he wants from life and his values and mine are very similar. All in all I couldn't be happier.
He treats me very well and my boys adore him.

Here's the problem - his friends!!!! He has a small group of friends, who are absolutely nothing like him. Most of the time when he has been out with them and their partners or other friends I have been there so I know the carnage they can cause. Most of them are single, disrepectful and treat the girls they see dreadfully. They binge drink and dabble in Coke and sleep with anything going. Nice eh?

I have no problem going out with these people from time to time and a couple of them I quite like. He has not been out with them without me since I met him, but there is talk of a lads night out looming. I'm worried of what could potentially happen, especially when they've all had a skinful

I can't really understand why he would not prefer to go out with his normal friends!

How do I explain my concerns to him without sounding like I am brow beating him. But I am not happy and feel I need to say something.

I come from a broken marriage, divorce almost through, he had an affair after a long relationship and continues to this day to treat me like shit, although I never retaliate and let it all wash over my head. So I am maybe a little more sensitive than I should be about what men are capable of doing. How should I tackle this?

OP posts:

colditz · 18/09/2009 14:12

If this new man is as great as you say he is, you MUST trust him.

i socialise with many people, some of whom take vast quantities of drugs, some of whom are extremely promiscuous, some of whom wouldn't know responsible behavior if it slapped them in the face. But I don't take drugs, any drugs, at all, I wouldn't DREAM of cheating on a boyfriend and can be relied up not to get vomitous drunk on the majority of occasions regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Trust him, he sounds quite trustworthy. He wants to see his friends because they're his friends, probably.

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 14:25

I know you are right. It's just that when he's with them he drinks to excess and has on 2 ocassions since I've known him taken a line of coke, and although he doesn't behave like these people I am struggling with it.

In every other way he is exactly what I want and he talks about marriage and settling down with me, but even though I've tried to ignore this aspect I can't.

Should I say something or not?

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 18/09/2009 14:37

It's fine to say that they're not your sort of people - you don't really approve of their lifestyle and you won't be hanging out with them any more.

But it's a bit controlling to start hinting that you want him to distance himself from friendships that were established before you came on the scene. That's his choice.

PuppyMonkey · 18/09/2009 14:43

He sounds lovely and completely your kind of bloke - yet he had those friends before he met you! So they can't be quite such a bad influence on him can they?

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 14:46

Maybe it's something I just have to deal with myself. It's not so much that I want to control him it's just having been out and seen for myself what goes on with his friends, it leaves me with an uneasy feeling that I've tried to put to the back of my mind. Trouble is it just keeps rearing its head!!

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 18/09/2009 14:47

I think you need to judge a person by their own behaviour and not that of their friends. It's not their fault he drinks too much sometimes and takes coke. His choice.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 18/09/2009 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 14:55

Reality thanks for that I hadn't looked at it in that perspective until now! You have a very valid point.

Looks like I have some careful decisions to make. In every other way I couldn't have wished to meet a better man, it's just this sticking point. It isn't all the time and yes it is only very occasionally but to me it is still wrong.

Don't mistake me I love to go out let my hair down and have a good time, but not in the same way.

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expatinscotland · 18/09/2009 14:59

Reality said it best.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 18/09/2009 15:13

Agree with Reality too. Doesn't sound like these are his only friends so it's not as if he's got stuck in a rut he wants to get out of and fears being lonely without them is it?

He wants to go out and get wasted and do coke sometimes and conveniently can hook up with this crowd to do it.

If you don't like the behaviour, don't be ashamed to say so, you have every right to say how you feel, if it scares him away, then you weren't with the right person anyway.

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 15:31

Yes I will talk to him and tell him how I feel about it. I know no one in this world is perfect and we all have our funny little ways and flaws, but for me this kind of behaviour is wrong. I would prefer not to be any part of it or to be involved with someone who is associated with it.

It would be such a crying shame should this be the downfall of our relationship as he is the only man I have got involved with or brought home in the year or so I was on my own. My children love him and so do I.

OP posts:

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 15:47

Just a thought before I talk to him, out of interest am I being a bit over sensitive here? Have I made more of this than I should have done. What is acceptable and what isn't - or is this just how people behave these days??

Last boyfriend I had I met when I was 17! Went on to marry him and became single again at 34, so I am a bit out of touch when it comes to this whole dating relationship thing.

OP posts:

AnAuntieNotAMum · 18/09/2009 15:53

It's up to you what is acceptable in your world. For me, that behaviour would be a deal breaker, for others, it wouldn't. I do hate being around people taking coke though and I hate the attitude that it's just a bit of fun and you're a killjoy if you object. It's a very damaging drug.

TheProvincialLady · 18/09/2009 16:03

I would not tolerate that behaviour but plenty do. Be guided by your own instincts.

purplepeony · 18/09/2009 16:05

But does he get drunk and take drugs- or just mix with people who do?

Unless you know, then you can't pre-judge.

I think people's friends do say a lot about them. It depends what he has said about them to you- if he thinks their behaviour is wrong or not?

If he's a Jekyll and Hyde- one sort of man with you- another with his frineds- is that what you want? Don't settle for it if it's not- it will only be a source of conflict .

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 16:06

I have gone to great lengths to protect the children and myself from the break down of my marriage and since then have only introduced this one man into our lives. He is a good man in every way that really matters and I haven't gone and got myself involved with a Coke Head, just someone who likes to dabble once in a couple of months or so. That is the problem, as it is not acceptable in my world.

Going out once in a while and drinking more than one should is fine, we all do it from time to time, but the friends and the coke are a potential deal breaker I have to say.

OP posts:

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 16:08

He does talk about all aspects of his friends behaviour and does think his friends behave baddly towards women and themselves. I haven't quite worked out the Jekyll and Hyde bit though, as I don't really know what he is like when he is out alone with his mates.

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QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2009 16:09

We have a saying where I am from:

"Tell me who you are friends with, and I will tell you who you are."

I reckon, if you look at his friends, and how they behave, this is what your fantastic man is/was like with his friends if you are not around. There is no co-incidence why he is a part of this group, he wouldnt be if he did not share their culture/group mentality.

It is fairly easy to show ONE side, the loving and caring side to your girlfriend, when in love etc, as being with you is quite different to being with them. My guess is that he moderates his behaviour drastically when mixing you and his friends, so he can keep up the image he has painted to you.

Because lets face it, a coke snorting man who is demeaning to women, is no catch, and he knows this.

purplepeony · 18/09/2009 16:12

no one makes him do coke- it's his choice.

He can stop if you say it's a no-no for you. If it is, then tell him and see what he does.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2009 16:14

I should add, by saying nothing, and mixing with them, you accept this behaviour. Further down the line, if you DO marry, you cant even complain about it, as you KNEW what he was like. He might STOP showing you his caring and considerate side, and you will have a home with a coke snorting, pissed man, who is demaning to the most important womain in his life: you.

Are you willing to plan a future where you have to protect your kids from THAT?

MorrisZapp · 18/09/2009 16:19

Aye good point - it's not his friends to blame for his occasional dodgy behaviour.

Thing is, I bet he'll see less of these friends as your relationship develops. They sound like single friends to me (ie the kind of friends you have when you're single).

You don't have to pretend to like them if you don't, but if you try to hassle him about it it might backfire.

I'd put up and shut up for now, and see if the friendships tail off naturally.

I also agree that many men (my lovely DP included) change into much more laddish types when they are around their mates and alcohol. As far as I'm concerned, my 'true' DP is the lovely man that I see every day, not the drunk idiot who calls women 'birds' once every two months.

What are you like when you get pissed with your friends and no men are present?
I'm a bit of a gobshite myself

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/09/2009 16:27

I couodn't be with someone who did drugs, no matter how great in other ways. Is that how you feel or could you handle sleeping with someone, and having them as a father figure to your children, who does drugs occasionally?

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 18/09/2009 16:40

really depends.. it sounds to me as if you like the odd blow out yourself.

i would say you cant curtail the odd night out with these fellas.

you can say that he can get as pickled as he likes as long as he doesn't do the drugs. as i have a feeling you get similarly merry your self every once in a while... just from your comment
"Don't mistake me I love to go out let my hair down and have a good time, but not in the same way"

you have to weigh up if his good side is worth this odd night blow out.

i have a friend who's dp is like this. she turns a blind eye about 3 times a year, and he turns a blind eye to her about 3 times a year. they have been together 20 years.. and its worked for them in this way for the past 8 years since they had dc.

but if its a deal breaker... then you shouldn't be afraid to walk away just from the fear of being single.

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 16:43

NO!! And that is my problem, this isn't just about me, it's my dcs who matter more than anything. Shit now I really don't know how to handle this and I am seeing him later. we are going away for the weekend together!!

I may just have to be honest with him and see where it gets me.

OP posts:

Original poster

upsydaisy1974 · 18/09/2009 16:55

Don't touch, yes you are right, I like to let my hair down once in a while even if it means I drink more than I should and regret it the next day. The difference being my friends are not like his. I don't have any friends like that, nor would I. And I know when to stop. Even if I had drunk the entire contents of the bar dry I would never ever touch drugs or act in a promiscuous way.

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