Fantastic man - nightmare friends - HELP!

[upsydaisy1974]

I have been seeing a man for the last 6 months. We have really connected, have a lot in common and he is very serious about a future with me and my two children. He talks about a future, he knows what he wants from life and his values and mine are very similar. All in all I couldn't be happier.
He treats me very well and my boys adore him.

Here's the problem - his friends!!!! He has a small group of friends, who are absolutely nothing like him. Most of the time when he has been out with them and their partners or other friends I have been there so I know the carnage they can cause. Most of them are single, disrepectful and treat the girls they see dreadfully. They binge drink and dabble in Coke and sleep with anything going. Nice eh?

I have no problem going out with these people from time to time and a couple of them I quite like. He has not been out with them without me since I met him, but there is talk of a lads night out looming. I'm worried of what could potentially happen, especially when they've all had a skinful

I can't really understand why he would not prefer to go out with his normal friends!

How do I explain my concerns to him without sounding like I am brow beating him. But I am not happy and feel I need to say something.

I come from a broken marriage, divorce almost through, he had an affair after a long relationship and continues to this day to treat me like shit, although I never retaliate and let it all wash over my head. So I am maybe a little more sensitive than I should be about what men are capable of doing. How should I tackle this?

Not everyone will agree but I think someone who drinks a bit too much sometimes is a completely different fish to someone who does drugs.

You know, I wouldn't worry too much about it. You've only been seeing him 6 months, you're still in the getting to know each other stage really. Let him know that coke isn't on and leave it at that.

My DH has some friends I don't approve of, single guys he's known a long time. They like to go out and get pissed, leer at women etc. I think it's ridiculous behavior but I would never stop DH going out with them--I did let him know what I thought of them and how absurd it is that they keep trying to get him to come out on their piss-ups. He gradually stopped hanging out with them apart from the odd after-work drink. You might see your guy do the same as you two get closer.

Thanks everyone so far for all your thought!! MN is great - helped so much through my marital breakdown and PND. Where would we be without it??

As for my dilema, think best to sleep on it for the weekend and tackle at an appropriate time. Tackle it I will though because after all I've been through the last three years there is no way I am having a relationship with anyone would is a potential nightmare!

I already have and will continue to re-inforce the no Coke issue.

If someone I was in a new relationship with started telling me they were unhappy with my friends behaviour and not having me doing the odd line of coke every few months or so.... I would run for the hills without a backwards glance.

Seriously you are SO overreacting in my opinion. You say he is a great bloke but are not happy with his friends... so dont go out with them, is simple. And a few lines of coke every few months is hardly anything to get hysterical about...

I have to be honest here and say some of my closest friends do coke . I do not and never have. My friends are wonderful - we have the best times together but I tend to avoid them when they are going to have a 'large' weekend. I'm not even a great drinker, though I have dabbled with 'soft' drugs in the past. They don't do it very often so I have plenty of opportunties to be with them and have fun while they are 'straight'.
Being with them doesn't make me want to do coke!

However, I would not want my kids exposed to this sort of behaviour. I'd want to know it was not going to happen in my home.

And coke is an expensive habit...how often is he likely to do it?

Don't ignore the alarm bells. Please.
My best friend's husband used to do the odd line of coke at parties, but it escalated gradually over the years and he is now not only a complete addict, he is dealing the stuff too. Not that your bloke will go that route, but I saw her turn a blind eye for so long and not say anything and it has ruined her and her children's lives.
Also, my DP wsa a heavy drinker when I met him and I ignored it. It has caused huge huge problems for us and has split us up. We are together now, and he has dramatically cut down his drinking but I wish I'd listened to that inner voice in my head at the beginning, it would have saved a lot of heartache..

What reality said, for sure.

Also, it IS only 6 months... who knows, he may tire of the friends... he may not.

One thing for sure tho, while those people are still around him and the drugs are hanging about... watch and observe.

6 months is not long enough to know a person properly... look at that Truck driver story.. she knew him for 18 months wasn't it?

Of course I'm not saying for a second that he's as bad as that, but when you have DC, you really have to know who you are with.

Wishing you luck, he certainly sounds nice, hope he proves to be everything you deserve!

I am with a man who also has a group of friends who take drugs and drink excessively. I used to think (or hope) that he would grow out of it and eventually stop...but I was very wrong. I have been with him now for 7 years and we have 2 children together. He is a wonderful father and his daughters adore him, he does the food shopping, he works hard, he loves his children....but every so often he goes out and meets up with his 'friends' and they drink and take drugs (coke as far as i know) all night....sometimes all weekend now, and then turns up in a complete mess.

Now some people would say I should just put up with this, and in fact I have put up with it for 7 years. But the damage that it has done and is continuing to do to our relationship is massive. Slowly but surely it has driven a huge wedge between us that affects every aspect of our relationship.

When one person is continuously doing something that is damaging to the relationship or upsetting the other person...however small, it will grow and grow until it makes you very unhappy. It is very unlikely that he will change or stop, even if he tells you he will. Don't bother trying to come to any kind of deal with him...it won't work...once he's had a few and he's with his mates in the pub and they offer him a line he wont care about any arrangement he's made with you to 'just drink and don't do any coke' and you will be starting yourself off on a very long, hard road of broken promises and heartbreak. Believe me I know. Don't go there. Coke is a very controlling drug, don't underestimate it.

Please trust your instincts....I wish I had listened to mine in the beginning. I can remember having the same doubts as you are having about my mans coke use but brushing it aside and telling myself I was over reacting. I was right to have doubts. I regret not being stronger and more true to myself.

Take my advice a stay away from him and anyone else who uses drugs regularly. You will find a fabulous man and he could be just around the corner. Always trust your instincts and move on if you have doubts about someone. You deserve the best and you'll find him x WWL

Sorry to be so dramatic!!! but I don't want you to even risk going down the same route as me, especially as you have already been through a difficult time. Maybe your man is a different person to mine, but it's the same drug and potentially the same could happen. It's not worth it.