He rang her while I was away

[Yorkiegirl]

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YG, I'm sorry to hear this woman has crawled out from her stone again .

Of course you want to avoid a trial separation etc - these are huge steps to have to take.

If it were me, I'd insist on going to Relate to try and thrash this out - I'd feel I'd done my best then to try and save my marriage.

It seems that your dh is constantly casting you as the "unreasonable wife" which is so unfair.

I really feel for you.

Not wanting to butt in at all but can I just say that the reason she is probably still contating him is because she knows that each time he eventually gives in and speaks to her.
If she has that at the back of her mind everytime she calls or texts him then she will carry on.

Hope you can get this all sorted out YK, thinking of you xxxxxx

I agree with batters and others. There are some rules in a marriage - and not contacting other people under any excuse is rule no 1 in my book.

just thinking about office romances in my office at the moment. They dont usually get off the ground, or last, if the pursuer doesnt get some sort of encouragement from the pursued. If I was genuinely being pursued by someone and couldnt stop them, Id change jobs rather than let it come between me and spouse.

Sorry to be so discouraging YG - hope you manage to sort it out.

maybe he is thinking that hes only having a bit of a flirt - and what better ego boost than to have some bird stalking you? i think that maybe it needs to be spelled out again that its more about trust and his respect for you and your feelings.

obviously we are all giving our womanly point of view which seems to be that we wouldnt behave like YB (Yorkieboy). How about asking the men on the site how they would view YB's behaviour?

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Hi YG ... I'm new here so hope you don't mind me butting in but have just read your thread and so feel for you, having experienced something similar years and years ago with my then partner (and son's father).

I too tried to confront the floozie he was carrying on with and got as far as calling her and introducing myself, and asking why she was behaving like this with my boyfriend before she said "I don't need this, I've had a dreadful week and I'm really tired" and hung up on me !

As you can imagine, I didn't feel too good, because her actions showed me that she certainly didn't care about anything I was feeling. With hindsight, I realise now that much as it's completely understandable to want to knock 7 bells out of people like this who behave selfishly without any thought to the lives they might be wrecking, confronting them doesn't actually solve much in the long run. They've already shown they're selfish so even if they agree to cut contact you'd be forever wondering if they really had, and alternatively, you end up being treated with contempt if they effctively stick 2 fingers up at you.

I'm sure deep down that you know the real problem here is your H's attitude. In my case, after lots of arguments, I'm pretty confident that contact with that particular woman was cut. However, if someone has a tendency to stray, preventing contact with one doesn't mean that they won't do it again .... you need to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to behave like this - even though it patently is very distressing for you - if your relationship is to survive and move on. My ex - invariably - did have more affairs. Eventually, enough was enough and we split up, but, at the time I was naiive enough to think that having "killed off" one affair was all I needed to do ...

.... I was kidding myself of course, because I was forever wondering if it had resumed, was always suspicious and felt like I was going mad for being so untrusting.

I think your H needs a great big kick up the a* (or in the goolies) because, however "innocent" he purports to be, the point is that he is upsetting you. I can't understand why he's continuing to do this and wonder how he'd feel if you were doing similar ?

Bottom line - rightly or wrongly - there is a problem, because you are upset. Doesn't matter if he thinks this is trivial or unwarranted. I'd say that his willingness - or not - to attend some form of counselling to thrash this out (as you obviously can't sort it out yourselves - no offence intended) will say it all about his respect for you. Please try to arrange that counselling asap.

Good Luck.

YB is turning up for this and he has to take responsibility for that. He is in no way obliged to return her calls. He is obliged to respect you and think about the potential consequences for her kids.

Could we call her though? About 20 calls from strangers telling her what we think of her might help?!

Blimey, sorry, your kids!

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OMG the cheek of the woman!

cow. who does she think she is. I'd absolutely lay the law down with my dh. If he ever contacts her again I'd tell him where to go.
If he can't stick up for his wife he isn't worth sh@t IMO.

What's the "bully me like you do everyone else" supposed to insinuate?

Don't under any circumstances contact her again YG - she sounds like big, manipulative trouble.

This is between you and your dh to resolve.

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Absolutely Yorkiegirl, that's why I think she's very manipulative.

Where's your dh today?

Oh God ... that's so infuriating and contemptuous. Like, she's the one with any reason to be upset.

YG .... sorry to be harsh, but you knew already that she was a stupid, selfish, heartless B**ch didn't you so really that sort of reply shouldn't surprise you.

Have you told your other half what you did - and the response you got ?!

I am so furious on your behalf .... "everyone else" ???? .... presumably that means your poor, downtrodden H. Hate to say it but sounds like he could well have been spinning her the "poor me" line.

You are going to have to have this out with him once and for all. I know that's a daunting and sickening prospect but it looks like the uncertainty and contempt you're being treated with will eat you up otherwise and you are worth more than that !!!!

Oh Yorkie Only just seen this thread. Am so angry on your behalf. Agree with the Relate/trial separation suggestions already given on the thread. I think he really does need to know how serious you are about this. Also agree that contacting her isn't doing you any favours and she's just going to antagonise you more.

Thinking of you hon.

xxx

Bitch!!!

Sorry, but I have to say that the problem lies purely and simply with your dh. You can call this woman all the names you like and, tbh, if I were in her position (which I wouldn't ever be), I would think attack was the best form of defence.

At the end of the day, your dh knows what this is doing to your state of mind and yet he continues. He didn't own up to the renewed contact until you challenged him and one has to wonder whether he had told her you were going to be away which is why it happened then and not when you were around. If she's calling you a bully without knowing you, there's probably only one place she could have got that idea from. Your dh started off his conversation with "I'm not supposed to be contacting you", i.e. I'm being told not to do this, but I'm doing it therefore I want to. He's not giving the message that he doesn't want to continue the contact.

Does she work with your dh? If I didn't want to play fair, I'd make sure her bosses knew what she was up to.

yg, as soon as i saw the title my fears were confirmed, and i have to say i feel so dissapointed on your behalf, your dh has let you down yet again

its all well and good saying you will leave him but will you?

i suspect your dh knows you wont, and as far as he can push you and as long as he can get away with it, his behaviour wont change, theres something up between him and that bitch, he isnt willing to open up to you and discuss honestly with you whats going on

your in a quandry, probably apart from this your relationship is ticking along so you being firm and saying you want out will be a huge step to take, and one that you will wonder for a while whether it was the right thing to do

i hope im making sense, and i hope i dont come across as too blunt, but i have read all your other threads and i just cant help feeling like your dh is taking the piss out of you cos as long as you cant actually catch him in the act so to speak, you cant firmly say 'your cheating, now get out'

in your shoes i would have to start planning my life without him, save up a bit, then hit him with the blow and go through with it...this may trigger him back to reality and make him realise that he will actually lose you and you mean business

the other alternative is to carry on as normal and wait till further proof if any, that he is having an affair, but that is very unlikely to happen unless you pay for a private investigator

im afraid im a bitch and if i suspected my dh of having an affair, i would want to know so that i could deal with it, so if it meant playing dirty to find out id do it.....once i knew, id try to work things out with him, if he did it again, then no more 2nd chance...if i didnt have any children then he wouldnt even get a 2nd chance

so i know you may feel reluntant to take the next step because you have a child together, but unless this is sorted once and for all you cant work through it, so whats the point of staying

good luck, i really feel for you and im so so sorry that you are going through this

YG - only just seen this - so sorry this has all surfaced again.

Agree with others that you really need to address all of this with your dh rather than her. Easier said than done though and I'd be sorely tempted to confront her face to face. However, that would probably be pointless because if your dh is still insistent on contacting her then obviously she's going to respond.

I really hope you can work things out. Big hugs to you xxx

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