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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The $hit List....

71 replies

aRLcat · 06/09/2009 22:57

A few recent threads have got me thinking.

In a kind of pre-emptive move, it could be helpful to those of us less adept at spotting a dodgy fella, if those of us who are more experienced and aware, listed key warning signs of a bad 'un.

It's struck me that many posters seem to have an almost inside knowledge or at least, hard and fast set of flags which determine an immediate 'NO' to the progression of a potentially dodgy relationship.

Care to share?

What behaviours raise your hackles?

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 08/09/2009 18:15

Fascinatng thread. A lot of what is being noted also applies to picking business partners or indeed anyone who you are going to have a long term financial and working relationship with.

Just realised reading this how many blokes I worked with were like this. Believe it or not they run their entire lives this way - even their relationship with other blokes who are supposed to be friends and colleagues.

Best way to judge a man is watch how he behaves with other men when his guard is down. Also judge him by the company he keeps.

Bigschoolmummy · 08/09/2009 18:46

By ABetaDad on Tue 08-Sep-09 18:15:13
Fascinatng thread. A lot of what is being noted also applies to picking business partners or indeed anyone who you are going to have a long term financial and working relationship with.

Oh yes, indeed!

HelenaBonhamCarter · 08/09/2009 18:49

Abetadad, that's really interesting.

What do you mean by 'when his guard is down'?

I have a potential bloke I ened to judge but rarely see him with other people about.

When he came to school drop off one day with me and ds, he straight away went for the bloke in the playground I hate the most, and I was mortified to realise they were old friends. He admitted the guy is a dick, but he is still fond of him and says he is a great father - despite having left his wife and children for some other bird last year.

urgh. And they did that 'get out your mobile phone and take each other's number in a really smooth way' display of manfulness.

One to watch? Or just, um, ordinary? I tell you what - come and meet him yourself and tell me what you think!!!

Tamz77 · 08/09/2009 19:27

ANY lie at all, even a tiny one. Early on in one of my relationships OH told me a packet of fags in his car belonged to his flatmate. I soon found out otherwise but kind of felt flattered that he didn't want to put me off by admitting he was a smoker. However in the end this was just one teensy lie at the start of months of VERY huge, psychotic lies. Someone who doesn't think twice about telling small lies probably won't think more than 3 or 4 times about telling big ones.

Being kept separate from his friends and family. Why would he not want you to be a full part of his life? Whatever the reason, it won't be good!

Makes derogatory remarks about womankind: "tsk, who designed this shop/road/belt/bathroom scales, it's sh*t, must have been a woman, ha ha." It's not a joke, it's a manifestation of some degree of inherent misogyny.

Wants you to watch porn with him in a 'serious' way. Sorry but any guy who sees this as desirable, necessary, or a means of 'improving' things should really be left on the sofa by himself.

If your instinct tells you he's dodgy or a loser, LISTEN. Your subconscious can spot the clues before your conscious. In all my shitty relationships, some of which dragged on for months, I had discernable early warning signs which I chose to ignore. Stupid, stupid me.

Can also second the 'all my exes were psychos' one. Also beware of 'she accused me of cheating!' with the well practised look of 'how very dare she!' accompanying

ABetaDad · 08/09/2009 19:35

Helena - I have to admit, I did actually get a bit of a 'YUCK' feeling as I read your post and especially the mobile thing. However, I don't want to say too much because he is your man and I do not know him.

The man he met might just be an old friend who had a bad marriage or even a business acquaintence and he was just being polite and never intends to ring him again.

Ask to meet some more of his friends and form an opinon then. See what happens when he and his mates have had a few drinks. Ask yourself do you like him and how he behaves in a social setting with his friends, do you want to meet any of his frends again if you had a long term relationship with your man?

If the answer is no, then think hard.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 08/09/2009 19:45

what about someone who has told his friends in very early stages.. but not his work mates. as he likes "to keep work and love life seperate"

HelenaBonhamCarter · 08/09/2009 19:48

Thanks Abetadad, that sounds like really great advice.

It would be very clear I think wouldn't it, seeing him in that kind of situation.

He works miles away in a different town, lives there too - so I only get glimpses when he comes to visit his family etc (or us)

I think tbh I can't make a judgment till I've seen him in a setting like you describe. Thankyou - it's so important, that kind of thing.

caramelwaffle · 09/09/2009 10:12

cheesesarnie - Oh dear.

fuckadoodledoo · 09/09/2009 15:08

DEFINATELY the I Love You too soon.....
and lies lies lies.... beware the first one (in my case the night I met him) if they can lie about silly things they WILL lie about EVERYTHING.
Also the no friends thing... there's a reason
Not seeing his child "because the ex won't let him... too painful to think about"... I can HEAR him spouting that about me now
ermmmm....

fuckadoodledoo · 09/09/2009 15:09

oh yes, a weird associasion (sp?) with sex and love... ie you don't fancy it tonight? I'm leaving cos you don't love me enough

fuckadoodledoo · 09/09/2009 15:13

Jekyll and Hyde tendancys (sp again) IE soooo lovely generous loving attentive, then soooo withdrawn, unreasonable , moody, then sooo lovely etc etc repeat to fade....
Best advice I've heard time and time again recently that I wish I'd heard , and believed years ago, If a man threatens to leave you, pack his bags!

caramelwaffle · 11/09/2009 12:11

Avoid starting a romantic relationship with someone who is showing regular, current signs of self-harm.

nickelbabe · 11/09/2009 12:40

okay, mine are:

if you all hang out in the same group and he ignores you completely for the whole evening and then expects you to go back to his house after the pub shuts.

if he constantly tells all your/his friends how weird and strange you are.

if he refuses to reply to a text you have sent because he "doesn't do texts" but will ring you at work to answer the text. even though you explain that the reason you text is because you really can't talk.

if you go out to the pub (together alone) and he goes out for a fag and doesn't return for more than half an hour because he "got talking to John"

nickelbabe · 11/09/2009 12:41

i meant can't (didn't think it would see the apostrophe as part of the word)

Supercherry · 12/09/2009 12:15

Just bumping for my newly single sister who currently has lots of men chasing her and I want her to be able to spot the warning signs for a loser. Like me, she has a tendency to get involved with bad men.

Supercherry · 12/09/2009 12:20

What about extravagance early on, like for example, you have been getting to know a particularly hot neighbour over a couple of weeks, just drinks/chatting, he has bought you wine and flowers (nice), you have snogged him and then while out shopping today he texts asking what size jeans you are?

Is that just nice, generous behaviour or a bit too much, too soon?

Am I just being far too cynical?

vezzie · 12/09/2009 15:59

What a great thread.

What about:

getting really arsey when you can't talk at work - refusing to believe that you are busy, or have a boss who is watching you (when he just wants to chat not to impart important, concise, information);

Seeming to think he has some sort of authority over you, very early on - that he can allow you to do things, or not, or that if you do things he is secretly uncomfortable with like hang out with your mixed sex group of friends, he is being very "liberal" with you by not "disallowing" this;

Moaning about the relationship not having moved onto his perceived "next stage" (spending a night together, living together, going away together for instance) - BUT WITHOUT EVER HAVING ASKED NICELY, just assuming at some point "she should be living with me by now" and starting to resent you for it;

persecution complex, especially about women: they cheat on him, they lie to him, they let him down, they are all just out for themselves;

Not seeming to enjoy your company very much while not letting you go away and get on with things on youtr own - more using you as a buffer against loneliness than someone he likes to be with;

into porn more than sex, and refuses to believe any men are into porn any less than him, and they are all lying and you are gullible;

phones to chat on evenings you don't see each other and ends the conversation when he has said all he wants to about himself and you haven't said anything about yourself yet;

seems to be very into showing you off to people - more than a cute pride of you, something more sinister and controlling, and if you aren't looking your best he is disappointed in you, or if you are not feeling great you can't stay in if he has lined up some occasion where he thinks you will make him look good

These are all the same guy. His mother had a crap time with men, his father was useless and violent and his mother has had other violent boyfriends since. So: on all the threads where people say to abused women, "leave him, do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this os ok", I would add, "or your son, for that matter?" because this guy can't do anything but make women miserable and much as I now loathe him I still feel sorry for him as he is very lonely as a result.

vezzie · 12/09/2009 16:17

HelenaBonhamCarter - I think it sounds as if you don't much like this chap - do you? what makes you think he might be good for you?

Supercherry - I think that all sounds a bit too much but then I tend not to go for the flash-with-the-cash type - I suppose you need to look at the "tone" it is done in. What do you think? I would be uncomfortable with all that but partly because I don't like the "oh women, they like presents and clothes and expensive things" mind set. I would prefer to be given a very apposite book or to be cooked for, but... I look a mess, have no posh clothes or bags and hardly ever wear jewellery so perhaps I am to be pitied!

Supercherry · 12/09/2009 16:30

Vezzie, thanks for commenting, the situation is one my sister is in. My instincts are to think, mmmm, too much too soon, but then, as I have said, I am really cynical at the moment.

Just want her to be happy.

Kally · 12/09/2009 18:45

Spits his toothpick pickings out infront of you (in your front room)... !!!

Kally · 12/09/2009 18:47

Or gets up straight away after sex (especially at the begining of a new relationship)..

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