The $hit List....

[aRLcat]

A few recent threads have got me thinking.

In a kind of pre-emptive move, it could be helpful to those of us less adept at spotting a dodgy fella, if those of us who are more experienced and aware, listed key warning signs of a bad 'un.

It's struck me that many posters seem to have an almost inside knowledge or at least, hard and fast set of flags which determine an immediate 'NO' to the progression of a potentially dodgy relationship.

Care to share?

What behaviours raise your hackles?

[bathcat]

Anyone who is rude and inconsiderate to waitresses, bar staff, taxi drivers, shop assistants or the like. Anyone who looks down their nose at people doing something they consider to be a menial job.

[notquitenormal]

When he speaks to you like the shit on his shoe, but he doesn't mean anything by it. It's just his way. Isn't he a funny cheeky chappie! Everyone down the pub likes him. You silly girl.

And when they have wildy implausible stories about the shitty things you learn about thier past. Like, he wasn't actually drink driving. He never got in the car...his ex-girlfreind's kids lied about it to get him in trouble. And the police were out to get him and prosecuted him anyway.

[cheerfulvicky]

He's angry at everyone, massive chip on shoulder. I went out with someone who would flirt with the checkout girl and yet also called a person queuing up a 'c*nt' for asking if they go go ahead as they only had 1 item.

They joke that 'all women are bitches', 'all girls are out to get you/rob you blind, mess with your head' etc. Starts to call you a bitch, as a joke.

Gets angry when you mention a man, talk to a man, or look at a man. The same person stormed out of the shared kitchen (and expected me to follow, asking him what was going on) because I 'looked at his flatmate the wrong way' and 'talked to him for too long'.

It's never his fault - someone else is always, always to blame.

Presses you to say you love him early on in the relationship, is moody and irritable if you are not 100% madly in love and show it constantly.

Accuses YOU of being controlling if you say you can't see him on such and such a day, and say you'll let him know when you're next free.

Describes previous relationships as volatile, 'fought like cat and dog', cheated on her, she screwed him over, mentions of restraining orders etc.

Sadly, the above list is all from ONE MAN. I dated him for four months a couple of years ago, and I'm only starting to realize how deep his controlling tenancies went. When he stopped speaking to me as a way of breaking up, he did me a massive favour. I had a lucky escape.

[Janos]

I've thought of another

Expects you to devote all your time and attention to him. Sulks and gets angry or displays other controlling/threatening behaviours if you refuse.

Treats his family badly - he will do the same to you. (Obv this doesn't apply in a toxic family situation).

Has massive/unpredictable mood swings.

Calls you names 'as a joke'.

Makes racist/sexist remarks with increasing frequency.

Is rude to your friends/family or behaves badly around them in some other way.

Ignores or is rude to anyone they consider beneath them (this could be a looooong list...)

[TwoPersephone]

Wont drop an argument or concede a point, has to be right even, or especially about little things.

[Janos]

Another one...never apologises, ever.

[UnquietDad]

Mine for women:

-Has no ambition other than babies.
-Talks babies/marriage very early on.
-Doesn't eat properly.
-Is obsessed with fashion and "accessorising", or shows other signs of being dangerously high-maintenance.
-Is nasty about her father, brothers, male acquaintances or colleagues, previous lovers, or anyone else who is unfortunate enough to have owned a penis in an aggressive manner within five yards of her.
-Bangs on and on and on about crap TV, e.g. Sex and the City.
-Reads "sleb" magazines with no sense of irony.
-Is racist.
-Is impressed by unduly macho shit, e.g. footballing, fast driving, tattoos, etc.
-Ignores you in the presence of her friends.
-Squeals a lot. (This can be a good thing, but only in certain circumstances.)

[AnyFucker]

UQD, how many on your list do you have to be before you are considered a complete no-no

< realises she has 5, oh dear >

[UnquietDad]

Obviously mine is a personal list. Other men may just love squealing, shoe-obsessed, car-worshipping, tattoo-enthralled fashion junkies.

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

I think my judgment is impaired BUT there are some clear, clear signs even I can't miss (now)

men who don't invite you when they are going to their 'club party' because you prob wouldn't like it (they don't want you to meet their friends)

men who shout at your children (yeeouch) becuase they 'need discipline', oh yeah, of course they do.

Men who criticise everything you wear, make you cry then hold you whilst saying 'You've got no self esteem, have you...even the most attractive woman can look awful if her self esteem is low'

need I go on

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

UQD I would fail on the first three I'm afraid. Just as well considering our previous encounters on here...

[AnyFucker]

I don't squeal, lol

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

Actually I think this is a great idea for a dating forum thread.

Can I list my obvious failings and see if someone actually approves of women like me?

I have little ambition, or what there is is LOST in the folds of a cloth nappy somewhere in the airing cupboard...and yes I'd like one more.

I Wouldn't bother with someone who didn't want to get married or something a bit similar to that, eventually...I am too old and don't have time!!

I don't eat properly because I am rubbish at cooking...however, I am more than capable of cleaning a carburettor, putting out the bins, putting up shelves, decorating, mowing and cutting down the odd tree. So hopefully the geezer who doesn't like all that shit can come and do the cooking here

Erm...that's about it...

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

oh and flat pack furniture. My forte...even climbing frames

[TwoPersephone]

Yes, defo the wont appologise, thats a big red flag for me! If he stands on your foot and its your fault because your foot was in the way then run! (after your foot gets better of course!).

[cheesesarnie]

caramelwaffle- i can tick 7 off your list for dh!

[cheesesarnie]

that 'loser' link is amazing!that is my dh!!!!

[toomanystuffedbears]

If a guy asks me, "When are you going to ask me out?"...
I answer: "Never". Nip it in the bud.

The regimental red flag for me is when someone uses me for entertainment by intentionally frustrating me then sitting back for a good laugh. Hiding my keys when I need to go to work/class, for example-intentionally making me late.

[pinkthechaffinch]

A red flag for me is if a bloke has poor/ non-existent relationships with his family.

2 of my exes hated their immediate family and complete shits they turned out to be .

[DutchGirly]

If they don't like animals or are mean to animals.

I had an ex who absolutely hated cats, had a really unhealthy obsession with them, turned out he was a complete nutter.

[Lemonylemon]

People who wind you up just for the fun of it... (My EX H)

People who like paying for things in cash - flicking off the twenties from the big wad of cash in their pocket (only they didn't pay the mortgage that month - my EX P)

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Second what DutchGirly said, but just because he's nice to pets doesn't mean he's not a nutter.

[UnquietDad]

Some people just aren't "pet people" though. I don't like animals much. I'm not nasty to them, I just like to keep out of their way. I wish they would afford me same courtesy, especially smelly slavering dogs whose owners think it is hygienic for them to LICK plates used by humans and be fed from the dinner table

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Oh, absolutely, UQD. It's just that my friend's ex stalker adored her cats.

(He wasn't so keen on her big snarly dogs though. Only things that let her feel safe at night.)

[HelenaBonhamCarter]

Men who talk disparagingly about their mother whilst still going and doing stuff for her all the time...and saying that he will get her to sort you out' if you disagree with him in an argument.

run for the hills. Oedipus is chasing you.