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Original poster

When dp proposed did he ask your parents?

40 replies

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:11

Dp and I are getting married next year. I have told my sister, a friend and you lot. My sister is staying with us, dp asked her to keep the news to herself as he had not asked my mum if he could marry me. I said to him that if he wanted to talk to my mum why didn't he phone her, she lives a six hour drive away. Dp said it was an important discussion that needed to happen face to face.

I dont think for one moment that my Mum would object and if she did I don't think he would not marry me if she forbade it. Dp and my Mum have not always got on so I am thinking that maybe he wants to clear the air and assure her that we will be happy and that he is 100% dedicated to us.

But it does seem an odd thing to do, although dp is very traditional and he takes his reponsibility as a parent and partner very seriously.

My feminsist heckles were raised when he said this, I am not a piece of property being passed from one person to another. I also got s little shirty ( but only to myself) as dp is also my carer and I wondered if he would feel the need to ask permission if he were not my carer.

Anyway ramble over, so did your dp ask for your hand in marriage? Did you ask for your wife's hand in marriage?

OP posts:
GiraffeAHolic · 06/09/2009 19:15

I would have thought it would be more traditional to ask the bride's father as in a traditional ceremony he is the one giving her away" (a phrase I hate )

DP didn't ask my parents, I think I've have been quite annoyed if they'd known before me TBH.

TheCrackFox · 06/09/2009 19:15

No my DP didn't ask my Dad. My Dad said he would have been shocked if he had been asked.

Original poster
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:18

My Father is not here to be asked, dp also wants to talk to my grandfather though. My grandfather is not 100% though which is why I suspect he wants to talk to both.

I am also someone who hates the phrase being given away.

I think my mum will be surprised but will also be quite pleased. Maybe that is why he is asking, he is playing her!!

OP posts:
hackedoffandcross · 06/09/2009 19:19

No he didn't! I would have been livid if he had

And surprised mind you, I had told him I had chosen a ring so will he please propose soon

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 06/09/2009 19:20

Oh fgs just enjoy that he wants to do a traditional thing and enjoy it all.

And if it is about clearing the air with your mother that can only be a good thing.

Original poster
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:22

I thought I would be livid, but in a way I was quite touched as I know how seriously dp takes this kind of thing. I also know he will be a little nervous because they have fallen out in the past.

You mentioning the ring has made me think that maybe this is dp's way of being traditional as I have banned all other formality and tradition. I dont want an engagement ring, am not fussed about a wedding ring and don't want a big day.

OP posts:
SpringySponge · 06/09/2009 19:23

My DH asked my parents - I may have said no if he hadn't! It wasn't so much about asking for permission than as asking for their blessing. I think it's respectful & traditional & I didn't feel like property at all.

pagwatch · 06/09/2009 19:24

MY DH asked my darling dad. I didn't mind as it was just a matter of tradition and ceremony - not a genuine request that could have been accepted or declined.
My dad thought it was a charming gesture.

I would happily drop my feminist hackles in order to see my DH showing respect and deference to my father - which he always did until the dad mt dad died.
Perhaps that was why my mum asked him to join my brothers in carrying my fathers coffin.
I am perfectly secure in my full and certain knowledge that both I and my husband view us as equals. My DH making a sentimental and traditional gesture does not affect that. i would be a bit worried if I had to take umbrage quite so easily.

Original poster
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:24

I agree with you Fabbakergirl which is why I have not said dont ask my mother I am a divorced mother of 34, if I want to marry you I will!

I also agree that if it clears the air it is a good thing.

OP posts:
MANATEEequineOHARA · 06/09/2009 19:25

No, and I do hate that idea, along with being 'given away' objectifying women at its worst under the guise of being traditional!

Original poster
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:28

Springy that is exactly what he is doing, asking for a blessing rather than permission. Pagwatch my mum will think it is utterly charming. I also think it is charming but there is a little bit of me that is stamping my feet.

I have not taken umbrage in public, I have said to dp that I think it is a lovely idea. But as someone who will not be wearning any kind of ring and will be keeping my surname it does feel a little antiquated. But I suppose that is the point of tradition.

OP posts:
SpringySponge · 06/09/2009 19:29

Maybe it depends on your relationship with your parents - I'm very close to mine & am extremely grateful for so much they have done. I found it to be a lovely gesture that DH asked for their blessing as a sign of his recognition of their importance in my life.

Dumbledoresgirl · 06/09/2009 19:32

Dh proposed to me and then we went to visit my parents during which time (well, pretty much straight away actually!) dh had a quiet conversation with my father in which he formally asked for my hand, so to speak.

I thought it was totally unnecessary as we live in a modern age and naturally I do not need my parents' permission to marry and they would not stand in my way if they did not agree with my choice, etc etc etc, but dh wanted to do things that way and I suppose I ended up thinking it was just one more stage in the formalisation of our partnership. It had to be face to face though. I don't think ringing up and asking a parent for permission is quite the same thing!

SpringySponge · 06/09/2009 19:32

I can see why you feel as you do as you are not partaking in many of the other wedding-related traditions.

We got married when I was 7 months pregnant, so it was hardly a fairytale in itself - but I really do view the 'asking for your hand in marriage' type thing to be a good opportunity to show a sign of respect / clear the air rather than anything misogynistic

nickytwotimes · 06/09/2009 19:35

I wouldn't have married someone who thought it necessary to ask anyone else's permission. Fwiw, neither of us proposed either. We discussed what ww wanted from life over the first year or so we were together, then the chance of Great Granny's ring came up, so we went for it.

Original poster
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 06/09/2009 19:38

I dont think he sees it as asking permission, infact I know he doesn't. Dp is one of the most stubborn men in the world.

Dp has wanted to get married for a long time, me less so and I wanted to nip to the registry office. So it is something we have discussed and met half way.

OP posts:
Waswondering · 06/09/2009 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dogofpoints · 06/09/2009 19:44

no

nappyzoneisback · 06/09/2009 19:52

We decided to book a holiday and get married whilst there (we already lived together) - we discussed whether he should ask my dad and dh thought he best do so but was to scared as my dads a git at times so i sat inthe front room with him and my mum and dad while he asked if it was ok if we got married - my dad said "well what you going to do if i say no?" dh shrugged and said well we will just go anyway but it would be nice to know your ok with it. The silence went on forever then my dad said well i suppose so whilst meanwhile dh was crimson

ShowOfHands · 06/09/2009 19:54

Yes and not because I am a pawn to be passed from one male to the next, but because he respected the love and adoration I have for my father and it was the beginning of my father's relationship with dh as a son in law. Marrying dh was a very special thing for me and it was right and proper that dh acknowledged that my darling dad's blessing and involvement was important to me. It marked an important moment for the two of them and the forging of a very strong bond.

And I'm as feminist as a feminist.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 06/09/2009 19:54

Certainly not, I would have told them both to phuck off had he done any such thing

I am not a china ornament

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 06/09/2009 19:55

...and I didn't ask his mother if she minded me having him either!

ShowOfHands · 06/09/2009 20:00

I did go out for lunch with my MIL to get her blessing and it was the lovely forging of a new branch of the family.

GentleOtter · 06/09/2009 20:01

Yes, dh asked my Dad.

hf128219 · 06/09/2009 20:02

My dh asked my Father - I am all for tradition.