Advice, please, on how I can really have an "amicable divorce"

[BEAUTlFUL]

DH and I came back from holiday last week, and within 48 hours he said he wanted us to split up. I had seemed "cold" on holiday and he is fed up. I was a bit cold on holiday - I just don't respect him any more. I don't know why, it's all just gone.

We have two kids, aged 6 and 1.

So, we are divorcing. He wanted us to stay together in the house but I refused (I think it will just be too confusing), so he is looking for a nearby flat to rent. He says it's a bad time to sell the house so we will do that in a year or so.

We are talking a lot and agreeing on many things. So far it is very amicable, even friendly. How can I make sure it stays like this? I don't think he has anyone else, I think he just needs someone who worships him and I just can't.

He says he's hoping deep-down it might just be a trial separation, but we have been here a few times before and this is it for me. I told him that and he accepts it. I am very, very upset for the kids (who still don't know), but relieved that all the angst is over. I'm finding dignity again that I thought I'd lost forever.

So... Any tips on keeping this so amicable? I am scared it will veer out of control, but so far we are in total agreement with everything regarding money, house and children. Can it stay this way, if both parties really want to split?

Hopeful stories most apreciated please! Please don't frighten me.

God, am I bonkers? I always seem to be following some bloody book or other, telling me how to act/what to do.

DH is being lovely since all this - cooking dinner, doing all the housework, making me laugh, etc. I'll be sure he loves me then he'll mention looking for flats or something, or telling his parents we've split up, and I'll be all deflated again inside.

Today I mentioned flat-hunting and he said, "I'm not going to drag my feet. I wan to get moving on it. Well, no, I don't really. But I will." But then I know you can't cling on to one bloody throwaway comment like that and think it's hopeful, when in reality, if he was madly in love with me he would never dare let things go to this stage as he could really lose me.

If I'm honest, my motivation for everything at the moment is the possibility of his changing his mind. That's keeping me going. hen he moves out, I'm going to be distraught. He makes this house a home for me. But I just can't keep going through this and I need him to realise he needs me, he loves me, he wants me. Otherwise I just can't carry on. It's always been me making the effort and the running and I just can't do that any more.

It will all be ok til you get to money

This isn't the right forum for me, is it? You're all so sensible and down to earth, you'll tell me to stop following self-help books from the 1950's and being weirdly bonkers, and just to sit him down for a honest chat. But I can't.

Beautiful- you don't have to cave in to just look him in the eye and "say are you sure you want this"? You said that you were a bit cold on holiday. Maybe this is him dramatically saying I am not happy. NO EXCUSING HIM, but I would be a bit cross if on holiday wifey didn't relax was cold. Sounds as though communication is a problem, at least on his side but that doesn't mean that you need to split up if you have some support. Stay composed but do ask him if this what he really wants. I know someone who asked his wife for a divorce cos he didn't have a shag for ages. Young kids is a huge disruption as you know but if you can operate as real partners then ......

I am NOT blaming you at all; I just want to ensure that you are clear on what you want and don't both just dig in and wait for the other side to make a move.

good night

Hi Beautiful
Haven't had chance to read all the thread but I believe it can be amicable as mine was.
XH decided to leave when Ds1 was 2 (he is now 10). He continued paying towards my mortgage until I was in a position to do so myself so that we didn't have to uproot DS. Then after 2 years separated we decided to divorce. We didn't use solicitors as we agreed on everything. Eventually when I met someone else we bought him out of the house (had it valued and gave him half of the equity).

We don't go through CSA or court regarding access to DS. Everything is sorted out between ourselves.

XH has a good relationship with my DH so no pproblems there and I think it has all helped DS to remain stable and not affected by it all.

I know I am lucky it all worked out like this but it did take a lot of tongue biting and deep breaths to get to this stage and I did it for DS1.

Even so, I hope you can work things out to the best for all of you.

hi beautiful how are you today?

you are right to make time for yourself and take pride in your appearance.

If you feel upset and show it, that is only natural, you can still tell him how you feel, its not a cave in.

Suprisenumber3 sounds positive - its good to hear a positive story post divorce, so many on MN are quite alarming and give the impression that it will always end up as a acrimonious horrid mess.

I've never been through a divorce but my parents between them went through 7 - all amicable. The first was when I was 1.

The absolute key I think is that regardless of the objective facts of the situation (and in at least some they were pretty shocking) no-one ever played the victim in front of the children.

None of us were ever told ANYTHING about the reasons for any divorce other than 'we just did not feel we could continue to live together any longer'. It was only as an adult in my 30s, and many years after my dad's death that I found out that his second wife had been my mum's bf!

Having everything be so civilized has made an enormous difference to all the children (and between all the marriages there are one hell of a lot of them!). Sometimes it may seem unreasonable to have to bend over backward or not to be able to say anything when he is being utterly impossible but please resist the temptation for your dc's sake.

Hi everyone -- am ok today. Still a bit confused but ok. Tonight we're going to tell the DC that we're not getting on very well so we are sleeping in separate rooms.

I think as long as you're both honest and up front with each other it's very easy to have an amicable divorce.

My ex and I managed it and by the time we split we were at each others throats, but a cool calm and level head can make every thing a lot easier on both of you.

Thank you! That's good to know.

Hi
Totally with you on "why don't men say they are unhappy". Part of me thinks that actually this is a total spur of the moment decision on H part because there has not been any clue.
Obviously there have been some changes since DD was born, and DS arrival as well has probably prolonged things, but we could always talk to each other, spent evenings snuggled up together on the sofa, reasonable sex life - and not once did he think to say "I am starting to feel differently about us".
That is what gets me most I think - that he didn't care enough to say something when there was a chance we were still salvageable.

Hope things go OK with telling the DC. We have not said anything to ours yet but they are younger. Certainly they don't seem particularly fazed by the fact that H is now sleeping upstairs (3 storey house) - and given that we would all tend to be in bed together for the first 20-30min of the day it is a fairly significant change.

Beautiful and MioMau- i agree that maintaining your feel good and dignity is very very important so keep looking beautiful etc. But from my friends' experience, I think that it would be good for you to know whether this is REALLY what you both want before you go too far down the road.

MioMau- it is terrible that you didn't have a hint!! I would have felt very betrayed as well.

Best wishes to both of you

If your dh makes a throwaway comment like he doesn't really want to look for a flat then pride yourself and add it to your arsenal along with being nice, looking nice etc. But you are acting a charade, don't you think he would like to know you still care about him?

You've got a year old, my marriage was not on track either after a new baby and it took years of cold/indifferent behaviour before things got better. But for me they are much better and we worked it through.

My dh went through a stage of wanting a divorce then I did, but I'm glad that we became a bit detached then and subsequently lowered our expectations about each other at the time. (It was never physically abusive but mentally it certainly was for a while on both sides). Now years on I'm so glad we didn't divorce. Most people have ups and downs and if you think a trial separation would work go for that first.

I agree with Lavendrift then you both can decide that you want to save it but I think each side might be waiting for the other to make first move? Just guessing.