Advice, please, on how I can really have an "amicable divorce"

[BEAUTlFUL]

DH and I came back from holiday last week, and within 48 hours he said he wanted us to split up. I had seemed "cold" on holiday and he is fed up. I was a bit cold on holiday - I just don't respect him any more. I don't know why, it's all just gone.

We have two kids, aged 6 and 1.

So, we are divorcing. He wanted us to stay together in the house but I refused (I think it will just be too confusing), so he is looking for a nearby flat to rent. He says it's a bad time to sell the house so we will do that in a year or so.

We are talking a lot and agreeing on many things. So far it is very amicable, even friendly. How can I make sure it stays like this? I don't think he has anyone else, I think he just needs someone who worships him and I just can't.

He says he's hoping deep-down it might just be a trial separation, but we have been here a few times before and this is it for me. I told him that and he accepts it. I am very, very upset for the kids (who still don't know), but relieved that all the angst is over. I'm finding dignity again that I thought I'd lost forever.

So... Any tips on keeping this so amicable? I am scared it will veer out of control, but so far we are in total agreement with everything regarding money, house and children. Can it stay this way, if both parties really want to split?

Hopeful stories most apreciated please! Please don't frighten me.

A few tips to add:

(1) Pick a solicitor who is a member of RESOLUTION. They are a group of solicitors who act in family law cases such as this who have agreed among themselves to work collaboratively and not be vicious -sharks-- combative as much as possible.

(2) You can try as hard as you like to be nice to each other but there will be a lot of hurt involved in one sides. Essentially divorce is about rejection - of the person you invested with all your hopes and dreams and when that ends it hurts. My last divorce was my decision and it still hurt me. I know my ex was hurt more because he didn't want me to leave too. Luckily we had no children so the pain was limited to the two of us.

(3) Between the two of you work out an offer of what will be acceptable. You need to have the financial terms there before you go to law really to avoid having to argue over who owns the lampshade etc. later on. Remember to keep in mind what is important - you want to part, you want to protect the kids, you need to keep yourselves both financially safe. Forget the rest of it, it really does not matter - it's just stuff. Take into account family pets as well. Lawyers make a lot of money out of the 'Fluffy' and 'Rover''s of this world!

(4) The term unreasonable behaviour is not behaviour that in law would be considered unreasonable, but that you find unreasonable and untolerable to live with. You can find three examples which may seem benign to you and they will be fine. Alternatively, since divorce is a no fault application (i.e. no-one is punished by the law for it) you may choose to cite adultery with an unnamed party - in your case one of you says 'he dun it/she dun it' and the other say 'yup, I did, oops'. That's all is needed. I would find being married for two years to someone I no longer loved very emotionally draining.

Good luck btw, it's fucking hard. I'm still not over my last divorce and it's been half a decade since it happened.

Ooh blinder, that is very, very good advice. I will definitely follow that - thank you.

I'm a bit scared now, waiting for the inevitable meltdown. So far I have been amazing (I know how cocky that sounds! But I have been so much more calm - or, as Bof would say, clammy - in the past few days than I have been in this relationhip ever. obviously a sign that it's just the wrong relationship for me.) and I hope I don't have my meltdown in front of DH.

whomovedmychocolate -- thank you so much. I didn't know about Resolution, and I hadn't even thought about our cat!

Citing adultery is a good idea.

In what way are you not over your divorce? Sorry for that horrifically personal question, but if you could explain a bit, it would help. In ways, I don't feel that DH and I ever really invested our hopes and dreams into one another. It has always felt like "flatmates with benefits" to me. He is unemotional, in my eyes. He has never confessed his deepest dreams or secrets, called me his soulmate, shared anything upsetting with me at all. So will it still be hard? (I know telling the children and dealing with their pain and loss will be VERY hard, but losing DH? I just dunno.)

Put bluntly, I feel like I failed on many levels. The night before the marriage I wanted to call it off but I didn't, I didn't even discuss it with anyone, I just went ahead. I didn't even really fancy my ex-dh, but I didn't really realise until I met someone else that this was an issue, I just thought marriage was quite humdrum. I didn't think it through at all. I feel guilty for having hurt my ex. I feel judged by those around me for similar reasons (and I am judged to be clear by those around me locally because we still live close-by).

I didn't feel close to my ex-dh either and that made it harder - he needed me but I didn't need him and could just go and for me, all that was left was the paperwork. And that's mortifying. To realise that all those years you were just doing the marriage dance, making the steps but not actually really committing to it.

To have wasted all that time when both of us could have been happy - why would I be happy about that?

Hi Beautiful

Sorry to hear of your situation.

I am in the process of separating at the moment (still living in same house as H) and we have been advised to try mediation although things are not nearly as amicable as your situation unfortunately

My understanding is that mediation provides a cheaper (you each pay half the legal costs) and non-adversarial opportunity to come to an agreement on the financial details of your separation / divorce, arrangement for the children, and also I guess how and when you might divorce.

I don;t think I would recommend choosing adultery as grounds when it hasn;t happened.

I think if you do want to divorce sooner than 2 years then you should discuss this with a solicitor.

I think that you are likely to experience a number of different emotions over the next few weeks / months - so be prepared, and think about what support you might get from family and friends if you need it.

Does anyone else know about this apart from you and your DH?

I've found that telling other people can release a lot of emotion you might not be expecting.

Hi

I am in pretty much the same situation. H told me 6 weeks ago that we were splitting up - had been no warning, as far as I was concerned we were happily married. He says he had been unhappy for a couple of months and didn't think it was worth trying to patch things up as the feelings just weren't there any more.

We are planning to go for mediation - are hoping won't need too many sessions as have agreed most things - just not the split of who gets what from the house (I am staying in the family home but buying him out).

He is still living here (won't leave until he has got "his" money) but we are being as civil as possible. Have even (?lightheartedly) agreed that I can divorce him citing the fact he is a twat.....not sure if the judge will accept that though!

Not really sure why I have posted as have no help to offer, been meaning to mention it for a while but seeing someone else in a very similar situation has made me blurt it all out.

Hope you are OK beautiful.

MioMau - how awful not to have any signals. Sometime people blame their unhappiness with the world ALL on their marriage. Hope you and DCs get through this patch.

I am on the pessimistic side of realism. Both me and exDH wanted an amicable divorce and it all turned pear shaped eventually when money and emotions came into it. We still have our moments now and thats 5yrs later.
All I will say is, don't think it will alll be plain sailing(and that is not me being nasty)
If you think the worst, then anything good is a bonus!!!

I just wanted to tell you that I had a relatively amicable divorce from my first husband there were perhaps financial cirumstances that made it easier to be "logical" & "sensible" about what I got out of the marital home etc.

We seem to co-parent well and have no issues being altogether in the same room/function etc despite me now being in a new relationship and having 3 more dc.

It is possible but it still hurts like hell at the time. I think you need to remember the other person is hurting like hell too and if they sometimes say horrid things remember that it's probably coming from their pain so try not to react to it.

Thanks TDiddy.

Not sure what has got into him TBH - keep wondering if he is having some sort of midlife crisis.

When I say no signals I really mean no signals - we talked regularly about our marriage - only a week or so beforehand I had said "I'm so pleased we don't scream and shout at each other like xxx" and we had revelled in our smug perfect marriage

Have been together 12 years but kids are only 3 and 1.

Have namechanged for this anyway, am sure there are people on here who will recognise me IRL from this scenario but would rather they didn't all know my usual name (sorry if anyone does recognise me)

You poor love- I'm so sorry you've been hit by this bombshell

Sorry I have hijacked the thread haven't I.

Is all happening so quickly - 6 weeks ago I was happily married, now we have sorted out what days each of us will have the kids and who will take the settees.

It's not so much the marriage ending I am gutted about (although that is a big thing obviously) - it's that I will essentially be missing half of my kids' lives because of this

And will be more skint too (OK not as bad as it would have been if I was financially dependent on him, but will need to remortgage for half of the equity so will be a much bigger chunk then I pay at the minute)

He may need counselling whether or not you stay together. Could be midlife crisis. Wondered how he would react if he revisted wedding photos/video and refreshed what drew you together in the first place...I am sorry as I shouldn't be saying this.

Mio, Yup 'twat' is a legally recognized and am sure the judge will know what you mean, but may need to cite examples of twatness.

And believe it or not, one can be separated despite living under same roof? Apparently one of the tests for this is whether there is shared laundry

Ilove... - as my prime example of him being a twat is the fact he stopped loving me I don't think it will be accepted!

Still not decided whether we will actually divorce now or leave it the 2 years.

He doesn't have anyone else (in a way would be better if he did - would at least be a reason), I think part of the problem is that we were both very young (19 and 21) when we met so have both missed out on a lot of wild oat sowing.

Also we were the first in our circle of friends to have kids. I have obviously made lots of "mum-friends" who I can talk to about what married life is like with little children (and it seems to be pretty much the same for all of us) whereas I think he is still expecting us to be like all our old friends who are still child-free and newly-wed.

Mio, where did you get the idea it would be half? 50/50 is usually the starting point. Depends on how much it will cost for both of you to have your needs met, including housing, and basics. If you are both happy with the arrangement, then great. But sometimes it can be a good idea to wait until the shock has subsided before you agree to things.

And while it's great to have an amicable arrangement, it may not hurt to get some legal advice so that you are negotiating from the position of looking after your and the children's best interests.

TDiddy - it is our wedding anniversary next week.
Part of me still hoping he will suddenly think "OMG I'm being a total knob what have I done" but am fairly sure that is not gonna happen.

I have even been thinking that I might end up in a FAQ-type scenario and get back together after a year or so apart. Think that is just the mad-don't-want-to-be-alone bit of me though.

And Leah Hardy don't you even think of printing this his parents read the DM

Ilove - have had an "options" meeting with a lawyer from Resolution and agreed then that mediation likely to be the best solution, am seeing my own lawyer next week for initial meeting to see what I should start bargaining from.

Is a bit of an unusual situation I think - I earn more (but not loads more) then him and I have been paying the mortgage + life insurance + council tax + home insurance + Sky whereas he has paid...the gas electric and water bills.

However he had a house to sell when we bought this house so did put in the money from that to do the house up (although still needs at least another 20 grand spending on it to get it fully done)

Absolutely mediation is the best solution, as there are infinitely more options than adversarial approach. Mediation can be a forum to discuss various options, including property, finances, visitation, etc.

But with mediation, as it's an honest process, it helps if both parties are aware of their legal position to a greater or lesser extent so that they don't waive any rights by wishing to keep the relationship amicable.

Realize that mediation can take place within a legal framework. So you could thrash out the agreement in mediation, and get it sidechecked by a solicitor and finalized in court, although judges dislike the term 'rubber stamp' you know what I mean. A mediator will provide a final statement that you can take to a solicitor.

People split up at different speeds. Don't feel rushed into doing something you aren't comfortable in doing. It's your marriage as much as it's his.

Thank you to everyone who replied to me.

Need to go to bed now.

Hope you get more answers for yourself beautiful.

MioMau- perhaps the slower divorcee route would be better in your circumstances. A couple of very friends from university days got divorced and I listened to them as they unwound but never intervened. Their divorcee seemed so pointless and unexplainable at the time. Now they have both moved on and it all now looks like a mistake. I now know that she wished they had worked it through. Did your DH explain what he was unhappy about?

Having said all of the above, I think that you should definitely continue to maintain your composure with him and definitely don't go down the road of pleading with him.

Very best wishes

Hi Beautiful,

I hope you are OK.

I have been reading you post and threads, it all sounds very sad for you all. I think it might be a good idea to get some counseling as it sounds as though you and your husband both wish you could be 'in love' again and I feel (for what its worth) that this night be something you could work on if the will is there, for whatever reason.

I notice your children are very young take it from me, (I have 3 sisters with their own kids and 3 children of my own, the youngest being 1.5), everyone with small kids argues, its just the ones we don't know very well who pretend they are loves young dream. Its tough, that's the truth but things do settle down as they grow. x

Hi MioMau (is that how you spell your name??!), I'm glad you came in, we can console each other.

WHY DO MEN NEVER SAY THEY'RE UNHAPPY???? This is bugging me! DH says "I went to bed beside you thinking, 'We should split up', every night for a year." FFS! Why didn't he ever say anything? And now, when I see him being all over the kids, I feel like his love is all a sham as he loved them, wouldn't he try to sort things out with their Mum?

Oh, I dunno. I'm so deprssed about this today. It's sinking in. I'm being lovely still, all composed and dignified, attractive and light, but it's killing me/ I'm fucking fucked if he's going to see that I'm upset about this, that's all I have left, my last shred of pride. But argh! Inside, I'm raw.

I bought this ebook, "Stop your Divorce". It's really good, very very old-fashioned but you just know it'd work. It's all about being very happy and busy throughout the process. I'm following it.

I'm not trying to win him back as I think: a) It's impossible; and b) I don't want a man who would put me through this, ultimately. But my aim - by looking lovely, being nice and keeping myself busy with other things - is never to cause him to think, "I'm sooo doing the right thing by leaving you." I want to keep him guessing. We went through this once before and I caved in after two weeks, and told him I'd change. Well fuck that. Never again.

I love being like this. He will not see that I'm hurt or upset. Not in a Jordan-esque, over the top way - more like Kate Middleton.