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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do about cheating H!!!! Help

34 replies

Eve34 · 02/09/2009 08:25

Ok I know I am not stupid. H moved out in April because things weren't right. I agreed we had got to a terrible place, but he just left, it was really hard and I struggled to cope, during the time he had gone he lied over and over again about seeing someone else. His phone said otherwise.

He came back in July, it was very difficult although only home for 4 weeks, he had 7 nights out, 2 over night with friends. Phone is still super glued to him. On silent usual thing.

He went on a planned bike ride for 3 weeks. Not very much contact all a bit shit really.

He came home Saturday afternoon. All fine, Sunday he said a friend had been dumped and he really wanted to go and see him.

No trouble but he then decided he would haved a few drinks and come back following day.

Usual no contact returned Monday 12noon. I explained that I didin't think it was fair and that he should spend time with his family. His answer was 'you said I could go'.

It stinks so got up in the night last night and got his phone. It is far to clean, only messages are from me that day. On the Sunday in question there was no phone call or messages to this friend and my head is in over drive. On the up side I have her phone number now - Donna hi if you are on here.

So should I confront him - only to get lies
Should I call her and ask her for her to be honest - hey if she wants my man she can have him.

WE go on Holiday with the family for 2 weeks on Friday so it is going to be a great holiday hey!!!

Not sure what I want I just want the truth.

Thanks for reading, sorry for typo's small boy helping me!!

OP posts:
TwoPersephone · 02/09/2009 09:02

So sorry you are going threw this. For me, if I was uncertain of my husband and couldnt trust him, then I couldnt stay in that relationship because I would be always checking up on him and always feelsing sad.

He doesnt sound very committed to you.

Original poster
Eve34 · 02/09/2009 09:27

I agree, when I ask any questions I get non direct answers it isn't right and it isn't fair on me.

OP posts:
IrishDraught · 02/09/2009 09:32

So sorry. Is it pay as you go or contract? If contract it's very easy to get access to online bills if you know the phone no. and account no. You can also write a blank text then see if there is a recent user list to send it to? Someone else may be top of that list, having been texted last or most. These you cannot usually delete and men always forget they exist anyway.

purplepeony · 02/09/2009 09:37

It sounds as if he is coming nad going in your marriage without much communication between you over what you both want- and what the boundaries are for him especially.

You are reacting to events, rather than being proactive.

I wonder why he came back, what the grounds were for coming back, how committed you both are to making it work, and so on.

Either he wants to be in a marriage and give it 100% or he doesn't. You need some straight talking, where you establish the ground rules of what is and is not acceptable behaviour. Forget the possible OW- don't bother with her- talk to your DH.

Original poster
Eve34 · 02/09/2009 11:41

Thank you for that ladies, I need to sit down and chat - thinking maybe when we are on the plane - there is no escape. I do not think this is going to end up the happy family I had hoped for but such is life :-)

OP posts:
Mamazon · 02/09/2009 11:48

you cannot leave it for two weeks and then try and have this sort of conversation in a public place.

you need to send the dc's to your mums/granny/neighbour, sit down with him and lock the front door.

tell him what you suspect and that you want to know whats been going on.
if all else fails make him call the number whilsty n speakerphone in front of you.

you need to get this sorted and its not fair on you to make it wait.

abedelia · 02/09/2009 13:54

Sort it out beforehand and if he won't give you a straight answer then go on holiday without him!

beanieb · 02/09/2009 13:59

if it were me? I would have sent her a text oon his phone and waited for a response. Or rung her? Or i would have changed the number against her name in his phone to your own number so that if he did text her you would get the texts and would have evidence. That's what i wuld have done.

With that kind of evidence then he wouldn't be able to talk you round.

Though tobe honest I am surprised that he has been able to in the past.

purplepeony · 02/09/2009 14:04

but what then with the evidence beanieb? she's nothing really- if it were not her it might be someone else- it's more about what he wants from his marriage that is the issue.

beanieb · 02/09/2009 14:06

well, with the evidence she know that he doesn't want the same thing from the marriage that she does and that he is willing to lie to her to have his cake and eat it. If it were me the evidence would convince me to ask him to move out again as he would have proven himself to be a manipulative liar.

mumsiebumsie · 02/09/2009 14:08

beanieb - genius advice.

I'd suggest you get up in night with phone and send a blank text message to Donna.
She's bound to text back along lines of "did you just text me?" Then play along pretending you're DH.

You need solid proof and he's clearly not offering it the coward.

I don't subscribe to the school of thought that says - if you don't trust your man then you're better off without him. I couldn't split up with DH and father of my children without hard evidence otherwise I'd always wonder if I over-reacted to a non issue.

iliketurquoise · 02/09/2009 14:13

IrishDraught, beanieb, you are both very clever

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/09/2009 14:18

Eve - come on love, you know what's going on don't you? I remember your other posts. He admitted to an affair with this woman and I don't sense you've ever got the the bottom of the reasons he came back. He also doesn't sound as though he was ever truly contrite for what he'd done. Sadly, it sounds like you've given him an easy ride ever since. You may have thought that you were fighting for your family, but in reality what you've let him do is to carry on with a foot in both camps. Perhaps she wasn't ready for him to leave you before? Perhaps this is all she wants?

But it can't be all you want Eve.

In your shoes now, I would be moving heaven on earth to find out what's been going on. There are lots of covert methods and I'd add a SIM card reader to what's already suggested here. Did you also check the log for phone calls? What do his bills show? Have you looked for a second phone too?

I certainly wouldn't capture him on the plane. Imagine how your kids will feel with the atmosphere that is likely to generate? Is there anyone who could take his place on the holiday, so that you get a much-needed break?

If he's not ready (or it's not the right time for her) to leave, he will clam up and not tell you the truth. He's lied through his teeth before, so don't expect truth from him now. I would very rarely advise this, but if you can't find proof from elsewhere, this is one occasion when I'd phone the OW. Of course, it is likely that she'll alert him straight away to the contact, but by that time, you might have some information to go on. Personally, I'd prefer to find out information myself through other means.

You need to reclaim your dignity. I advised you once to tell him that he hadn't been meeting your needs for some time too and that you were looking forward to giving someone else the opportunity to do that. I don't know if you ever managed to carry that off, but I sense with you that your esteem has been laid so low by this bastard that you didn't think he'd even believe it.

Take back control Eve. This is not a happy life, for you or your kids. Set him free to ruin his own life now and work on creating a life with someone who really loves and respects you. You well know that I believe marriages can be mended post-affair, but only if certain conditions are met. No more contact with OW and genuine contrition and openness. Your H doesn't seem to have met any of those at all.

So sorry if this sounds tough Eve. My heart goes out to you. From your posts you sound like a lovely, gentle woman and I just want you to become more assertive, for your own good.

AnyFucker · 02/09/2009 14:46

I started to type a reply but...

I totally agree with wwifn

'nuff said

Scorps · 02/09/2009 14:50

So, he has had an affair before, you took him back, but now he is lying to you again? He isn't even being adult enough to give you any truth.

I would be going on holiday alone or with a friend.

If you want information, i would discover it yourself. My H has had 2 'OW' - one told me all, one denied knowing him (PMSL). So Donna may be of no use at all.

Sorry for you

Original poster
Eve34 · 02/09/2009 15:37

Thank you so much for the replies. I was just being flipant about the plane thing!!

I have come to realise that he is just draggin me further and further down, my heart sinks when he is in the house the noise level goes right up and my stress levels do too.

He can't keep behaving like this. Time for a hard chat, but it is tonight once DS is in bed. Although I am sure I will just get one word answers so be it, It is time for a change and you ladies have made me see that.

Thank you xx

OP posts:
undermilkwood · 02/09/2009 15:52

mamzon - would NOT lock the front door - this is a dangerous tactic to trap someone and could end badly!

Original poster
Eve34 · 02/09/2009 15:56

undermilkwood thank you for the thought I wouldn't lock him in, if he wants to walk out then so be it, action speak louder than words x

OP posts:
SemperEadem · 02/09/2009 15:57

Oh Eve - I was hoping that everything would work out for you both. WWIFN summed up everything I wanted to say. He is not acting like a man happy to be back with his family. He is acting as though he wants it all and you need this to stop right now.

Honestly, I know that you are relieved to have him back and be a family again but is this really the type of family you want? I don't think so and am fairly certain you aren't going to get the family life you want with this man. It seems as though he just wants different things .

I'm around whenever you need a chat so will keep checking in.

Original poster
Eve34 · 02/09/2009 16:14

Semper that is really kind of you, I do agree with you and as time goes by I see how sad life really is. Time to stand on my own 2 feet, it wasn't so bad when he moved out before x

OP posts:
SemperEadem · 02/09/2009 20:48

Hi Eve - just checking in. I know its probably big chat time but just wanted to let you know that I'm around.

I may nip off for a bit at 9.30 ish but will check in again tomorrow morning.

xxxxx

ladylush · 02/09/2009 21:59

Eve - sorry to hear this is happening to you It doesn't sound like he's at all committed to changing.

Scorps - 2 ow? So sorry hon

HappyWoman · 03/09/2009 07:03

Hi eve

Hope you are ok.

Try to make some time to find small ways you can change your life. Take some control and dont let his failings as a husband bring you down.

Tell him what you want now and try and stick to it - but its ok to change your mind for a bit too.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/09/2009 08:24

Hi. how did it go?

Don't you think it's time that you took control? Made the choice that he seems too spineless to make?

Original poster
Eve34 · 03/09/2009 09:42

I really am touched by your thoughts. I always considered myself faceless on here so it is appreciated that you have taken the time to get back to me.
I talked to him lasat night, usual grunts really. I explained that if he didn't want to be here with us then not to put me through this. I want to be happy and if that means him not being part of the family then so be it.

He seems shocked that I wasn't rolling over and letting him do as he wished. He agreed that we had both been suffering and wants us to work out. So rules have been made.

I am sure you all think I am being stupid. I promise I will not take any crap this time, he either works with me or moves out. I don't think he will change but I have the courage to tackle him and know I will be ok without him in my life.

Thank you again for your support x

OP posts: