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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyone seperated just because they had had enough?

26 replies

petitmaman · 01/09/2009 14:56

I have posted on here about my marriage before. Basically i don't feel we have a marriage. as a couple we have nothing in common, we don't communicate etc etc. i don't love him and when he comes near me i just cringe.
The thing is htat i really feel (and have had a few years of feeling like this now) that i want to seperate but I know thata he doesn't want to and doesn't think that we have a problem. and obv it would be huge upheaval for our dds.
has anyone here seperated just because THEY wanted to/ do they feel that it was the right thing to do?
the arrangement that we have come to at the moment is that we will both make a huge effort for a month and thenwe will live apart for a month and go form there....I know my dh thinks that i will back down on this as i have before but i just don't know what else to do. any advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
petitmaman · 01/09/2009 15:02

sorry about the typos

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 15:04

I am sure a lot of people have left a relationship because it is what they wanted to do. Why would they leave a relationship they didn't want too? Do you see my point?

There is no point having a month of trying if you are not going to try properly. If you honestly can't say you will, then you might as well separate now.

missingtheaction · 01/09/2009 15:10

yes, and yes. I wanted to separate and it was the right thing for me; he didn't and it would have been better for him if we had stayed together.

For a long time I stayed: my unhappiness was less than the unhappiness and disruption I would cause by going. However, over time the balance shifted to the point where my unhappiness became destructive and I couldn't survive in the marriage.

Three years or so down the line I am happy and fulfilled; more importantly the children are stable and as normal as any other teenagers; he is Ok with a new partner and a new life.

Where you are is a very very tough place - sadly there are no magic solutions (what exactly are you going to 'make a huge effort' to do - like him? love him?) and there will be fallout. However, it's a bit like childbirth or the driving test - nasty at the time but worth it in the end.

l44ngb · 01/09/2009 16:08

i spent many years feeling the way you describe, i did it all the wrong way though, i ended up starting a relationship with someone else, getting found out and feeling that i had no choice but to go, my then husband wanted to work things out but i felt it was my escape plan. In hindsight my marriage wasnt that bad and the guy i ended it for left me anyway, for the sake of the children i have a lot of regrets. Maybe we would of seperated anyway, who knows? I know its hard to decide how strong those feelings really are when you feel them every day but take the time to make a descision. good luck xx

Original poster
petitmaman · 01/09/2009 16:22

missing the action. what you describe is what i feel. have been miserable myself for years but it has now got to the point where i feel that it is making me bitter and causing a bad atomsphere. i am trying to be nicer to him this month as i just feel that i owe him that and to make the month apart seem' fairer' iyswim.

OP posts:
Fizzfiend · 01/09/2009 19:09

We are at the point that you are at. I think that when you get to that stage of cringing when someone comes near you, there is no going back.

We are in separate bedrooms at the moment, but I feel this is just a slow prelude to separating properly. When he moved out of the bedroom I felt such relief. I don't hate him, nothing has happened, but we have nothing in common, never talk, he wants to stay in all evening and watch TV, I want to go out and live life. And I don't want to spend the next 30 odd years compromising myself.

It's hellishly scary at the same time though, but all the women i know who have been thru the same thing have never looked back. GL with your decision.

Original poster
petitmaman · 01/09/2009 20:57

thanks fizzfiend. it is scary. think i know what i need to do . jsut have to hang around for this month and then see how the next mmonth is. it just keeps playing on my mind as i want to get on with it iyswim.

OP posts:
lilac21 · 01/09/2009 21:57

Hmm, I really don't think your plan will work. Personally, I got to the cringing stage, which came soon after the 'you're really irritating me' stage' and was followed by the 'nothing you can do will make me want to stay with you' stage. It's been a very long process, now a year since I've known it was over and we have continued to share a house for that time. Now I am buying a house for myself and the DDs and he is giving me some money towards it. I can't wait to get out. He was supposed to be out tonight, then I got home from work/Ikea at 7.45 and he was here and I was SO cross. I relish the times he is out, and when I was away for a week and then came back it felt like going back to prison.

He was very against our separation, arguing that it was better for the children to have two parents living together under any circumstances. Finally he accepted that we couldn't continue as we are and I know I will be much happier away from him. My girls are 12 and 9 are they are coping really well. The eldest tells me 'I just want you to be happy, Mummy'.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

ecolightbulb · 01/09/2009 22:16

I am in the same situation. I saw a documentary on Diana Princess of Wales last night and it said that she just decided it was over after the birth of Harry. I felt like that. I just woke up one day and decided it was over but I was pregnant (well almost before but anyway..) I have been struggling big time ever since. I can't muster up any feelings for him anymore and have terrible guilt about what I might do to our DS if I leave him. It is becoming more obvious now that he leans on me far more than the other way round and it is an unequal relationship. I feel like I have all the ideas and he just works. It's really hard. Going to counselling as we owe it to our DS.

Slashtrophe · 01/09/2009 22:18

I have. I didn't want our sons to think that this was how relationships were. Its been a tough old year but I am so much more positive about life. He has not moved on, and am sorry for him, but I could not resign myself to a lifetime of unhappiness. The kids were upset for about six months but now seem back to normal and happy. My oldest (5) seems okay with 'mummy and daddy can't live together as they argue', and the younger is too young to know. We have been amicable about contact, I have a few niggles such as ex buys them too many toys, lets them stay up etc, but I bite my tongue generally and blow up occasionally if he is unreliable. Both of us I think are happier, and the kids too, they get lots of attention and no view of arguments and rage.

Good luck x

Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 08:32

Thanks every one. think i know what i have to do and it is great hearing positive stories.

OP posts:
retiredlady · 02/09/2009 08:59

My closest friend for over 40 years just slowly drifted apart from her husband over 25 of these years. They "stayed together for the children" but it always seems to me that they were living more like brother and sister rather than lovers. Many was the time when she had decided to leave him but in the end stayed and I was really shocked when in the end he moved out. He still lives in the same town and I see him shopping sometimes. He looks happier and my friend is certainly happier.

Maria2007 · 02/09/2009 09:11

Petitmaman- it seems that up to a point he has accepted the separation since he has agreed for you to spend (at least) a month apart. That's good, it shows some understanding / acceptance on his part, despite the fact that he prefers to not separate (which is his right, after all).

What about the month you're 'trying'? What are your plans? What are you trying on? Are you really truly trying, or is this just something you're doing because it sounds good but your heart is really not in it?

Also, can I ask, how old are your DDs?

Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 19:50

i am trying as much as i can, really just to try and be nice to him, talk more and just change my attitude.
i think that he thinks that if he ignores the situation i will back down. my dds are 2 and 7. i feel awful for them but am sure that dd1 is starting to pick up on the atomnsphere.

OP posts:
FatFree · 02/09/2009 20:11

Wow these stories could have all been written by me. I know it would devastate my oh to know how i feel when he touches me, but it just makes my skin crawl.

I have 3 kids who adore their dad and i find myself feeling resentment that i am stuck here at 40 with maybe another 40 years of this, but i dont know how much longer i can cope with this.

He is a good man and all my friends tell me how lucky i am that he is so dependable, but the other side is that he has no friends so depends on me for everything and resents the fact that i have lost 5 stone and have rediscovered my confidence.

It doesnt help that i am increasing attracted to a guy i have just met whose made his intentions perfectly clear and whos bones i would love to jump on, but i cant because it wouldnt be fair to my oh. I have to find a way to get the courage to end my relationship but i'm terrified about the fallout.

Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 20:23

am terrified of fallout but for me there is no one else and dh is not that dependable but does love me and want to work it out. i just feel beyond that now.

OP posts:
FatFree · 02/09/2009 20:35

At least you have made a start by talking about it. My oh knows there is something wrong but when we had "the talk" i couldnt bring myself to tell him how i feel, so i'm just continuing to lie and he thinks everything is rosy.

I hear my mates moaning about their oh, and how they fight and argue that he is always down the pub or never helps around the house and with the kids, and all i thinks is that i have a lovely guy at home who thinks the world of me, but i dont feel that way about him at all anymore

Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 20:54

eulghhh. when he is not here my mind is so set then when i see him or him and dds together it makes me feel so quilty. dont know if i can do this to them.....

OP posts:
Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 20:55

er guilty not quilty.

OP posts:
FatFree · 02/09/2009 21:02

We're a fine pair arent we! unhappy at home but feel too guilty to upset our kids by splitting up with their dad.

He told me he was going away for a few days with work and i was over the moon and counting the days. Just little things like staying up all night without the pressure of knowing he was waiting for another meaningless shag from me, made my day.

And thats another thing, i'm constantly on heat at the mo! but just dont want to have sex with him! Never had so many cold showers in my life!!

Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 21:17

i hve been off sex for ages but have realised as you say that it is not sex i am off but him. so am making do with fatasies as i drop off to sleep. we are a fine pair.

OP posts:
Original poster
petitmaman · 02/09/2009 21:30

the thread this eve 'i am being thrown out of my own home' could be my dh. almost exactly. i wondered for a sec if it WAS him but that would involve communicating. not something that he does . ever.

OP posts:
candlewick · 04/09/2009 19:34

Blimey fatfree are you sure you are not me? I too have increasing feelings for om but dh is good man and it would kill him to know that but i am so bored and frustrated. I too lost lot of weight am outgoing hes not. He has no idea though thinks I am becoming distant. I too am staying put atm for the kids but they leave school soon then I just dont know. It is very scary out there. I dont know what to do.Petitmaman I know there is no om for you but if you are truly unhappy your kids will pick up on it and maybe you should do what makes you happy. So difficult I know. I wish I knew where I will be in 2 years time.

DameEdnaAverage · 04/09/2009 19:49

Wow. What a thread. I identify with every one of you.

I left a year ago. I was married to a dependable, kind man who is a brilliant father, but we had nothing in common and didn't have sex for the last 3 years of our marriage because of that cringe factor.

I left in the end because I was sick of complaining to my friends and feeling trapped and miserable.

That was a year ago. He hasn't moved on, he still adores me and wants me back, but I am so, so much happier. I feel very guilty about it and sometimes think I am a bad person for abandoning and marriage for 'no good reason', but actually, I think where we were at was the start of a slippery slope. I was beginning to resent him and be snappy with him and he didn't deserve that. I feel as though he has the right to be loved properly and I couldn't do that.

It is better - although only just becoming easier. I think children need 2 happy parents and our ds is fine.

Not sure whether that helps at all, but I'm so pleased that you have all shared your thoughts because it's made me feel a lot better!

FatFree · 10/09/2009 01:28

Thanks a lot for your positive response DameEdna, i know how devestated my oh will be, but i really just cant pretend anymore.

He is now overtrying because he can see how distant i am being, and its just making the situation worse. I feel so suffocated by his extra attention and i'm sure he knows he is clutching at straws but is too scared to admit that we are just drifting apart.

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