Questions about my relationship (Long sorry)

[AboardtheAxiom]

My head is full of questions and I feel reluctant to explore them. That's not good is it?

Why is it that when an issue comes along between DP and me that it feels like it ends in a character assassination of what a shit girlfriend I am and how crap our relationship is, I end up crying (who wouldn't) and try really hard to be 'better'. If I were to be an attentive chatterbox who kept the house clean and tidy, who loved giving blow jobs and demanded sex everyday - what would happen then?

Would he stop taking pictures of his cock on his phone "to big himself up"? Is it my fault he feels inferior? Should I be showering him with compliments? If I complimented him or loved giving oral or had a higher sex drive would he never have gone on those websites posting pictures of himself?

If I did everything his way - putting the washing up bowl the 'right way' round in the sink for example, would he be irritated by some other annoying thing I do? Maybe these little things wouldn't irritate him if he wasn't sexually frustrated.

Is he drinking more? He says no I am not so sure. It was the one and only issue I tentatively raised during our most recent ?discussion? and he decided to "disregard it". Will he always have money to spend on lager but not to pay off his debts/ take his family for a day out / pay towards a holiday or household project?

Am I boring? Lazy? Unattractive?

Is that why he seems to prefer other people?s company rather than being in the house with just me and DS? I feel sometimes that he is very uncomfortable in himself, and instead shifts the focus onto me.

Sometimes we are happy, and get along fine - or so I think, and then we have another row or revelation and it makes me wonder if there is ever a moment where we are both happy with each other. Maybe we can?t make each other happy. I really want to think that we can.

I am also worried I may have some aspergers symptoms. I don't like giving eye contact, I hate social events and situations, struggle with conversations and friendships, and am anxious all the time.

Have namechanged - if you 'recognise' me please don't out my usual name. Our latest discussion was on Friday night after seeing a picture on his phone of himself, he wasshowing me some innocent pics and scrowled the wrong way.

Is it me?

Writing all those questions down was so hard. I am scared to post this but know I can't ignore it and brush over how upset I was Friday night - saturday morning.

March 08:

DP went to bed as he was pissed and had to be up for work at 4am. He swore if we needed to go to docs he would come with me.

Nurse called me at 10:30pm and told me to go straight to A+E. I had to get a taxi, and woke DP 3 times very loudly and physically to come with me. He stayed in bed

DP wouldn't answer phone so had to ring sil's house and get her to ring his mobile. He then turned up having drove into town annd bought himself a bottle of coke from vending machine.

Yes he has good qualities but is generally selfish. Always thought he would be there for ds thoughif he needed him
Either he is f*ing clueless or doesn't give a crap. I'm not sure.

He says sorry but then does something just as selfish as soon as the opportunity arrives.

I have felt very sad today. It's slowly dawning on me that he will never change. I can't look at him, I feel so let down, I never thought I would feel so heartbroken looking at him.

REMEMBER THIS BIT: I want someone who enjoys being at home with me in an evening, appreciates me, shows me 100% respect, that I can completely trust and rely on. (it was 18 months ago... )

and finally, Dec 08:

Dec 08:
He does subtle things that are making me feel self conscious or low in confidence. For example, if he is drying the pots he inspects each item whilst giving me a sideways look, implying I need my pot washing skills to be checked ? if I have missed a spot on a pan or plate he tells me, points it out, and gives it back to me to be rewashed.

He also rarely compliments me, last night we went out and he told me I looked nice ? I realised this was high praise indeed and it made me realise he rarely compliments me, I am more likely to receive a compliment from anyone but him, yet he is often complimenting himself(!).

He will also often go off about the house being a tip, or go on a pointed (and imo passive aggressive) cleanup operation.

He has made a one off payment to me of £50 so far. He is terrible with money and imo selfish. I would spend my last pound on ds, his spare cash tends to go on carling.

Last night we went out, great night, and then DP pointed out his ex fiancé, and ex best friend, who had been shagging behind his back whilst DP and ex were engaged. DP was insistent that he wanted to talk to ex best friend and have ?closure?, and say kind of a ?ha ha I won the battle? type thing to him. I didn?t get this on many levels, he kept staring across and saying he wanted to speak to him.

In the end I got really annoyed and stormed off, he caught up to me and we walked home, DP was upset, but again put the issue at my door, said it was my issue, and that all he wanted was ?to speak to someone? and couldn?t understand why I was so annoyed with him!

DP has started to do this: he makes a statement or asks a question, then pauses, I assume he is finished and answer him, and he jumps in really cross saying he wasn?t thinking, why do I have to jump right in, and then ?finishes? his statement or question, in a way that turns it around and makes my reasonable response seem out of order.! Or he will ask a question, and if I actually say how I feel about it say for example, ?well actually I?d rather not?, this also means he gets to accuse ? ?ok you don?t have to be so defensive/arsey/I was only asking?. I don?t know if he realises he is doing this. My head is all over the place.

I have not found this possible as DP makes it clear in the car that he has no faith in my driving skills, which makes me so anxious I stall ? I was doing really well with my lessons, and just needed to fine tune my manouvers and that would have been that. DP is now driving my car and running it into the ground, as he can?t afford to sort his out and he needs a car for work. I feel he has discouraged my driving progress as it is in his interests to do so.

I think he knows I am withdrawing from him a little. Last night when we argued he said 'don't let this be the end of us' - putting onto me and making me feel bad.

He didn't beg me to stay, his concerns were for himself (will lose the house, I had a vasectomy for you, more csa to pay, I fail at everything I do, selling my car that I don't use but he relies on).

Lewis - oh gosh - I'm so sorry. Alot of what you say resonates with me in particular about talking, then pausing,then you respond and apparently you hadn't waited for him to finish.

Do these dps do this in a calculating way or is this their own defence mechanism?

mostly calculating

thb, that isn't my post - it's OP's posts from December last year; she wanted me to point out the abusive areas of his behaviour

I have been where she was (not so long) and come out the other side so offered to help her see the wood for the trees so to speak

I have been really doubting myself in questioning this yesterday and today, thinking it's just me and I need to just be happy in my current situation and keep trying - these posts you have repeated for me show I would just be repeating history.

How can I go? If I give him warning he will winme round, but how can I just walk out and straight into somewhere else? Would be privste rented and wouldneed a deposit wouldn't I??

Ring WA - they'll know the practical side of how to help you....

are you really going to do this? Really?

Just remember - we're here every step, even if you decide to bide your time (WA may well recommend this)

What made you go in the end lewisfan? (And others who have done it) Did you have dcs at the time?

Thanks for taking the time to go through my posts like that LF and Attila, it's very kind of you.

"hopes beyond hope" I hope I am not beyond hope. Been in this relationship 8yrs so it's just everyday stuff to me now I guess. Something big happens and I start questioning things, but then everything calms again and I carry on as we are. I looked at cycle of abuse and it did ring true.

I mean I'm really really really hoping you've got the courage this time..... that's all

what made me leave? lots of things... I'll be happy to tell you my story if you want - it would seem odd to say "x happened" without the history to keep context I guess

Please look at this site bpdcentral.com Read it thoroughly. Everything I have seen on this thread is telling me may have borderline personality disorder, including his sexual identity issues and the sexual acting out (posting pictures).

The incident where he delayed getting to the hosp because he chose instead to buy himself a coke was designed to show you exactly where you stand in his list of priorities. It's nothing in itself -- 'H bought a coke', 'but H couldn't be reached by me, in the A&E, where the baby was getting treated, and I had to mount an all out search for him and then he finally showed up with something silly and completely unnecessary that he just had to go out and get at that very moment' is abusive because the message there is that you don't matter to him. Subtle, right? But you remember it in great detail, and the reason is that you got the message.

Aboard: I could have written every one of your posts. I gasped while reading them. I am now divorced from a very, very angry gay or possibly bisexual man (he's denying that of course) who has at least borderline personality disorder, and perhaps paranoid and narcissistic pd too.

The abuse is subtle, it is like slow torture, it is crazymaking, and it is designed to destroy you. BPD Hs are empty inside, completely empty, and incapable of empathy or love, even for themselves. They will destroy everyone around them eventually, including their own children. They are like vampires. They can only survive by sucking the life out of anyone who will let them.

Plus, google borderline personality disorder and see what you can come up with.

Grrr.

No buggy. DS has a maclaren major which was yesterday, and still is today, in the boot of his car which he has taken to work. Was meant to be taking DS to The Deep today don't know if I can face it/ manage it without the buggy. Am mad at myself for not thinking about it last night and a little irked at him too as he knows I don't like it being left in the boot as they are expensive to buy, the boot is viewable, the car is an old one and easy to break into, he hasn't insured the car. (He is insured as a driver fully comp on my car's insurance)

It's DS's last day of school hols so wanted to do something nice with him.

grrrrr @ him and yet another fine example for our list

you had a nice day though? hope you did

Thankfully DS seems to have forgotten about our planned trip - he usually remembers evrything and would be asking all day about it.

Had a speech therapist turn up (communication muddle had my old mobile number) this morning who was brilliant, she is basicaly doing part of his assessment as she specialises in autism and was really supportive of getting his diagnosis from the panel.

Then we have popped out for some food and stuff to take DS's school trousers up. Had a fairly nice day but could have done something nice together with the buggy it's a lovely sunnny day here.

I will be very honest - I am like a rollercoaster at the moment. I saw Hecates thread about her H, and she summed it up really well, it's the walking away from the times where you can finish each other's sentences, laugh about the dcs, give each other a look and understand what the other is thinking. It's like all those monets dilute the bad stuff - it's only seeing it here concentrated onto one thread that I carr on questioning why I am here. Does that make sense?

Hi ATA

I noted this comment of yours below:-

"it's the walking away from the times where you can finish each other's sentences, laugh about the dcs, give each other a look and understand what the other is thinking. It's like all those monets dilute the bad stuff - it's only seeing it here concentrated onto one thread that I carr on questioning why I am here. Does that make sense?"

Yes it does but the "good" times are well outweighed by the bad at his hands. You are now not finishing each others sentences or laughing about the dc's (I doubt actually if you ever really have) - infact he by his very actions are further damaging your own self worth and esteem. Not to mention that of your son's as well.

Look too at your previous threads and the examples of abuse that Lewisfan in particular has outlined. Nothing has really changed has it over time, if anything his control and abuse has escalated. As mentioned before as well if he was abusive the whole time no woman would have gotten with him in the first place. Its all part of a cycle and you've been trapped within it for a long time now. You've come to have abused persons mindset over time and he has done a bang up job of getting you to the low place you are at now. All your words are those of an abused woman.

It is your choice ultiamtely and nothing you do or say is every good enough for him. That is his problem and you did not cause this. This is deeply rooted within him and perhaps goes back to his own childhood. His many issues and problems within him are too great, he is not yours to fix nor should you try. You need to get out whilst you still can because he will not let his victim i.e you go easily. You need a plan of escape.

What happens if I ring Women's Aid? Do I/ can I make an appointment to go in and see someone in person? What do I need to tell them on the phone? Has anyone in here called them themselves?

As well as all the DS related stuff I have done today I have also hoovered the entire house and had tea ready on time. I feel hollow.

Do I sound that downtrodden Attila? Is it that clear in my posts? 'all your words are those of an abused woman' this phrase keeps ringing in my ears Really? I feel numb to it all in a way, making 'a plan of escape' feels like deciding to climb mount everest whilst sleep deprived.

It is my DS's first FULL dau of school tomorrow - I really hope he doesn't get too upset, he cries every morning going into school anyway - I don't know if he will be up to a full day in a full class with no 1:1.

Anyone around?

I've no useful advice to give you, but just to say, take small steps and ring Women's Aid - they'll guide you as to what you need to do regarding appointments etc. Keep going, you can do it.....

Thanks LL for replying I appreciate it. Have started a thread asking others who have been through this to share their stories with me.

I have just read the whole thread. I'm no expert but I would say yes, you are being abused, big time. The question of BPD is a pertinent one.
My contribution is this - children with ASD need very consistent, caring, child focussed parenting. They can be really let down by parents who can't provide that (can't cope, too impatient, too selfish, etc) and developmentally, can really suffer. You don't sound like that - you sound like you are doing brilliantly. Can you really say that H is, though? Can you really say that H is supportive of your parenting methods? That he never undermines you, or gets frustrated with DS and takes it out on him, and he really is committed to raising a child with ASD in the best possible way?
Do you really think that it's in his best interests to be raised by this man?

He can be quite intolerant in general TBH, hates toys lying everywhere, and DS standing in front of TV, yesterday we were going out to take some DVDs back to Blockbuster and he said 'I'll just go to toilet first'. He does this all the time we will be ready to go out the door then he will decide he neds to go to toilet. ANyway DS asked if I could read him a book so I said sure thinking we would have time. DP came out of the toilet in record time and stood watching me read DS's story.

We always back each other up in terms of DS knows we will both say no to the same things and so on. TBH I do the majority of parenting but when DP does get involved he is stricter and slightly sterner than I am. I am not overly soft and often tell him off myself, but DS and I have a very strong bond and I understand all his little quirks and needs.