Questions about my relationship (Long sorry)

[AboardtheAxiom]

My head is full of questions and I feel reluctant to explore them. That's not good is it?

Why is it that when an issue comes along between DP and me that it feels like it ends in a character assassination of what a shit girlfriend I am and how crap our relationship is, I end up crying (who wouldn't) and try really hard to be 'better'. If I were to be an attentive chatterbox who kept the house clean and tidy, who loved giving blow jobs and demanded sex everyday - what would happen then?

Would he stop taking pictures of his cock on his phone "to big himself up"? Is it my fault he feels inferior? Should I be showering him with compliments? If I complimented him or loved giving oral or had a higher sex drive would he never have gone on those websites posting pictures of himself?

If I did everything his way - putting the washing up bowl the 'right way' round in the sink for example, would he be irritated by some other annoying thing I do? Maybe these little things wouldn't irritate him if he wasn't sexually frustrated.

Is he drinking more? He says no I am not so sure. It was the one and only issue I tentatively raised during our most recent ?discussion? and he decided to "disregard it". Will he always have money to spend on lager but not to pay off his debts/ take his family for a day out / pay towards a holiday or household project?

Am I boring? Lazy? Unattractive?

Is that why he seems to prefer other people?s company rather than being in the house with just me and DS? I feel sometimes that he is very uncomfortable in himself, and instead shifts the focus onto me.

Sometimes we are happy, and get along fine - or so I think, and then we have another row or revelation and it makes me wonder if there is ever a moment where we are both happy with each other. Maybe we can?t make each other happy. I really want to think that we can.

I am also worried I may have some aspergers symptoms. I don't like giving eye contact, I hate social events and situations, struggle with conversations and friendships, and am anxious all the time.

Have namechanged - if you 'recognise' me please don't out my usual name. Our latest discussion was on Friday night after seeing a picture on his phone of himself, he wasshowing me some innocent pics and scrowled the wrong way.

Is it me?

Writing all those questions down was so hard. I am scared to post this but know I can't ignore it and brush over how upset I was Friday night - saturday morning.

www.womensaid.org.uk

0808 2000 247

ATA,

Your post of 12.04 is highly disturbing. Oh gosh, he's really messing with your head now isn't he?. Both the incidents you cite are highly disturbing. He is a master manipulator, he having a personality disorder is a distinct possibility. There are no two ways about it; you and your son must get away from him and soon.

Controlling men are often angry men as well.

It's really really not you, it's him. You sound sane, reasonable and a very nice person. You have to keep hold of what little self-esteem he's left you with, and keep telling yourself that all the dubious, unreasonable behaviour going on is coming from him. And spend some time thinking about whether you still want to be living like this in a year's time, or five year's time, or when you're seventy.

Try googling "gaslighting" - it sounds exactly what you're experiencing.

Just because abuse is subtle does not make it minor.

have quickly scanned these will respond later sorry but need to log off

I didn't think I would ever find myself posting short, sharp and urgent advice. But

Another poster is 100% correct when they said -

"No it is not you. You will never be 'good enough'. He is a self centered, emotionally abusive git. Leave."

attila think I crossposted with you earlier, hope you didn't think I was disregarding your post

You have all been really helpful and supportive so far and I am soo grateful. DP has popped out to a friends, could be 10 mins could be an hour so if I may need to quickly log off again. (I don't usually log in and out of MN but have been since posting this thread).

I am going to link my previous threads I have posted to give you all some background. Last time I planned to leave I involved my sister and I think she was mad with me when I stayed, distanced herself for a while afterwoards which really hurt, so am reluctant to talk with her about it and don't have many people other than her I can be frank with. I hope if those of you on here have advised me in the past on these threads you don't feel annoyed with me that I am still here in the same situation, I have had PND and have a little boy with aspergers who doesn't sleep so find tackling anything an uphill struggle - most of my energy (emotional and physical) is taken up with DS.

sep07

dec07

jan08

march08

dec08

I have googled gaslighting and yes it sounds exactly like my situation. I am becoming very edgy about this thread, and worried DP will stumble across it while I feel emotionally vulnerable.

"I hope if those of you on here have advised me in the past on these threads you don't feel annoyed with me that I am still here in the same situation"

Please don't feel like that and don't feel that you can't talk about it because you didn't take previous advice to leave. It takes an average of 4-7 attempts to leave and many, many more times for some women. Each attempt gets you that bit closer and is not a sign of failure. It's a sign that you're closer to success. You're getting stronger and clearer.

And yes, if you don't feel safe because your p might discover this thread, it's okay to let it lie for a while. It might be safer to have this discussion in private with Women's Aid than in a semi-public place like this. Your case is important enough, really. I told them I couldn't go to a refuge because I might be blocking a place for someone in greater need, and they told me I mattered enough and I cried and cried.

I still miss some of the times I had with x, and I cried when left because it was just before a bank holiday and if only I'd waited a couple of days, we might have had a nice time together. Yes, this is very hard. But staying will be worse for you and your DC.

And sorry for projecting too much of my past onto you, but you also wonder what if it would be better if you demanded sex every day. My x told me I didn't ask for sex in a sexy enough way! You're always going to do something wrong in his eyes.

ATA

re your comment:-

"attila think I crossposted with you earlier, hope you didn't think I was disregarding your post"

Oh please don't worry yourself about that at all. I know this is not the case.

I am very concerned though about you, your previous threads show abusive behaviour at his hands as well. This situation has not improved any and it won't either. This "man" (I hesitate to use the word partner) is abusive pure and simple. He has many issues, none of which you can fix. I would not even try any joint counselling with him, it is no point. Counselling solely for your own self though is recommend. As mentioned before no counsellor worth their salt would counsel the two of you jointly because of the abusive nature of the relationship you're mired in.

I think this bloke relies also on the fact that your son has AS. As a result your hands are further tied and I feel he uses your son's disability as a weapon against you. His disability further keeps you there as you have to deal with your son's additional needs as well as this bloke. This man is truly despicable.

It can take many attempts for a woman to fully break away from abuse; I am not totally surprised to see that you previously decided to stay and your sister's frustration at you. I would urge you to contact her again, if you really cannot do this then speak to Womens Aid. You must do something, doing nothing now is not an option. You must act for your son's sake as well as yours because you will both continue to be further emotionally harmed by him the longer this goes on.

You cannot go on like this, I feel he will become even more absuive and thus dangerous if you were to stay with him. Gaslighting is very serious indeed.

Re your son - does he have a Statement?.

Hi ATA, reading your posts brought tears to my eyes because I can identify with so many aspects of your situation.

I think that your sister doesn't understand what you are going through, it is so hard to explain what is happening and how you're feeling to other people when you're going through it.

I went through something similar and had a close friend who I would confide in about what my exp was doing, I plucked up the courage to leave one day (and stayed at her house) and within a week I was back because I'd had all the promises etc.

After it had all blown over she told me that she didnt think it could have been as bad as I'd made it out to be because I'd gone back to it. But she had never experienced anything like what I'd been through. I think that in my own head I had to reach rock bottom before I could move on, and eventually I did.

It must be hard for your sister to sit by and watch you waste your life on a man that treats you like this.

There is no reasoning with people like this (as I'm sure you know) because whereas they may have a silver tongue, they have turned your brain into mush with all the self doubt and in a disagreement you will find it impossible to recall instances where they have been unreasonable/cruel.

I really hope that you can find the strength to leave soon, because you will find that it is like a weight has been lifted and I cannot tell you the relief I felt walking out with only a holdall of stuff back to the welcoming arms of people who genuinely loved me.

Sorry I didn't mean to sound rambly or preachy but I really identified with your post and it just saddens me that you are going through this.

Please let us know how you get on.

The good times are the flip side of the same coin. They are all part of the abusive behaviour, designed to keep you hoping, like a carrot for a donkey (not calling you a donkey ). Try to see the good times in this light. The kind of optimism they create in you is actually malignant, and will do you more harm than good. btw, yes, playing the victim in a soft, regretful tone is classic. He doesn't have to shout to be abusing you; you don't need to feel apologetic about the way you choose to keep house or what you decide to do about the carseat with your own money. If you feel you can't win for losing, no matter what you do or don't do, and he always has a justification or minimisation for any behaviour no matter how outrageous, and his excuses for himself involve you, then you are being abused. It is very, very humiliating to sit with a counsellor and 'admit' everything, but you have already hung out all the dirty laundry here, very bravely, and you know your family are all concerned and would probably do anything for you and your DS. Please take a deep breath and take the next step.

Oh shit I am stood here with tears in my eyes nw and he is only in the shower! Deep down I know you are all right, but I can't comprehend that this is a form of abuse does that make sense?

I don't think I will be back online over the weekend but will be back monday. DOn't want you all to think I am running off and not facing things, am considering going to women's aid next week when DS at school and he at new job.

Run like the wind love

this will not get better, just worse.

I've read your prev threads and am so so sorry you have been let down so many times by him.

Only once you are away from him can you get back to being 'you' and your DS deserves his mummy to be well.

I'll bet that your relationship car crash problems take over evry aspect of your life, slowley draining it.

I know its hard to leave when you have little family support but you are holding it together now whith all this so going it alone will be a walk in the park

take care

Came home early with DS from a party as he was tired and wanted to come home. Have just sat and read my old threads in full and cried, why? I can't believe I have put up with this stuff from him.

attila - what in my previous posts shows abusive behaviours? I am so doubtful and unsure about things he has done/does

mathanxiety - do you think it is 'my' money then? I have always kept our finances seperate as he has a lot of debt and isn't too good with money, so we have always just split the bills, I get CB, CTC, DLA for DS, and Carer's Allowance.

Leaving will be hard in terms of he will not be able to run the house with my financial input. I would feel very guilty about this as it is DS's (and my two step sons) home.

It is very hard when things day to day on the surface appear easy and happy. We also socialise a lot with a group go to each other's houses and go away camping together which I would have to walk away from. Also feel reluctant regarding access. If he were to have DS overnight would he get up with him in a morning (very rare he does this now and never did with the older boys either on a weekend - I used to getup with them!) ? Would he give him his full attention in terms of safety?

Am I snappy, do I not listen, I guess I feel at least part of all this unhappiness must be my fault.

CB, CTC, DLA and CA are all DEFINITELY yours as they would not be removed as a single parent IMO...

would you like me (a fellow survivor of mainly emotional abuse) to go through your threads and checklist the abusive stuff? (If I'd had someone say ABC XYZ I think it'd have made it clearer, because abuse is painful isn't it - its fag burns on the arm or a wallop round the face.... it's not "just words" surely? how can it be? - that's how i thought anyway... i don't know if you're the same?)

I will say one thing and one thing only.

NONE of all this unhappiness is your fault.

It is entirely and 100% wholly HIS fault. If you pleasured him at his every whim, had the house as clean as brand new, had his dinner on the table and all his other arguments, he would STILL find something wrong.

He would.

Why?

Because, my love, he wants you to feel inferior and incapable. Even if you climbed Everest in a day, it would be too slow for him.

Abusers are not rational. They are utterly untrustworthy. Do not (and this is Very Hard seeing as you've had years of it) pay him any heed whatsoever. ALL of his words are lies. He only knows how to lie and decieve.

It's abuse, sweetheart and the faster you can ring Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) and sort how to leave (or get him gone) the better for your mental health and that of your beloved DS.

Thanks Lewisfan I think your offer of listing things he has done that are regarded as emtional abuse would help me yes. You are spot on with how I am thinking - they are just words, but they're not are they.

Regarding the money, it's not like I am tight with my money, I often pay for our weekend activities (more than he does and we often have his two older boys with us too). Plus I pay council tax, TV, car and house incurance, laptop on credit, gas and electricity, groceries, DS birthdaY and xmas, nieces and nephews birthday and xmas, a catologue debt still for his xmas presents for boys about two years ago, my loan, I could go on. I am a generous person and regularly stop myself buying things for him and the boys.

Something came up in conversation last night about an ornament my old housemate bought him once, it was a dragon stamping on a tube of toothpaste. She bought it as we used to joke between ourselves about him fussing if one of us (in our house) had squeezed the toothpaste tube in the middle. Even right at the start he was like it. I was thinking he had changed since I had DS, maybe he did, but the little signs were there all along. I think also after having DS I became a lot less amiable than I was before. He doesn't respect me and just wants everything his way.

I can't believe I am thinking of leaving again, and really hope I can go through woth it this time.

I have decided will go to/call Women's Aid on Tuesday - DS's first day of school.

I cite this example in your own words as being just one of many from previous posts:- (sorry am going out very soon)

"I spent all last night in A+E and the found ds a bed in children's ward to keep an eye on rash and fever, and dehydration. DP wouldn't answer phone so had to ring sil's house and get her to ring his mobile. He then turned up having drove into town annd bought himself a bottle of coke from vending machine".

I would reiterate what LewisFan has said. NONE of this unhappiness repeat NONE of this is your fault.

I hope you do indeed phone WA on Tuesday (if not before even); I shall be keeping an eye on this thread to see how you're getting on.

With best wishes

Attila

I think Attila is right on lots of counts.

Indeed look at gaslighting as I've never heard that term and it's been a revelation to me- my 'd'h does this lots and it does have a negative affect on your self judgement.

eg. My job was about to finish but I decided to resign a bit ahead of it. dh pursuaded me to resign mid july as a very distant relative the other side of the world was having a big party and he wanted us all to go. I was concerned about money but he got me to email this guy to help us find accommodation. Fast forward to late July - we didn't go there and instead dh went to him mother's country and left us here.

Again fast forward we were having a row and I bought up the fact I gave up my job two weeks earlier than anticipated so we could go to this do abroad and it was all for nothing as instead he went to his mums (it was supposed to be our rare family holiday time ie up til that point our ds 3 years had only ever spend 10 whole days with his mum and dad together). DH says there was no such trip planned to his distance relative's country planned - it was all in my head - I resigned when I did as I wanted to - and I was clearly mad.

So I make up an email address which happened to be dh's cousing abroad asking him to help us find accommodaton for the trip - poor guy obviously thought I was a loon but researched accomodoation to humour the nut in London and the flights my husband had investigated and downloaded and put in front of me were also in my imagination.

This happens on a weekly basis.

I, however, know I'm right.

Trouble I am having at the moment is I am just hopping on here when I get the chance to do so uninterrupted, and not processing everything properly I think. Next week I should have my days to myself I'm hoping and I will be able to look into things and get more done/straight in my head.

Tryingherbest - how frustrating! I get this a alot too, feel like I'm chasing my tail mentally all the time. Nothing as major as holidays or anything like that but just general conversations and agreements, times and so on. It doesmake you doubt your memory/hearing/judgement doesn't it.

The drink for him at the hospital - is that abusive? Selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, twattich behaviour I can say with confidence, but finding it very hard to say to myself that I am in an abusive relationship. I am hoping women's aid can confirm all of your reactions when I speak to someone and I will be able to concede and say yes, if everyone on MN and WA say he is emotionally abusive, then that's what he is. As inbetween events of gaslighting and general fuckwittery he is friendly and affectionate I find it very hard to measure what's going on. SInce I posted my OP on this thead he has been mainly affectionate and kind, and it is very hard to think of moving out. I am seeing the [atterns now though and don't want to be having a similar character assassination discussion again in 6months/a years time.

Hi, I have just read this thread and felt that I had to say something.

I was in an emotionally, eventually physically, abusive relationship for 8 years and I can understand how you feel.

Even after I left it took me a while to acknowledge that I had been abused, that is what they do to you.

I am now in a happy, stable relationship, If I had not found the courage to leave I think I would be dead or at the very least dead inside.

And it does not matter if you want to acknowledge the abuse that you are suffering or not, but you do know that this relationship is not working and on that alone you should be looking into something more positive for you and your son.

And for the record I spent 6 months doing everything my husband wanted exactly as he wanted them, and it doesn't help.

I'm going to look up the cycle of abuse - I think it'll help you... it basically shows that of course there's good bits in between the crap, because otherwise we'd have no doubt and walk out straight away...

I've found this too from WA site:

I?m being forced to keep everything meticulously clean. My partner goes mental if I put a foot wrong. He?s just being over-excessive, but it?s like walking on egg shells. What should I do to get out of the spiral we?re in?

Your partner is making completely unreasonable demands of you. The situation that you describe sounds like part of a pattern of abusive behaviour that would be classed as domestic violence. It sounds as if he?s very controlling of you and reacts unreasonably when you do something that he doesn?t like. The truth is that even if you adapt your behaviour to cater for his moods, it?s likely he?ll find something else as a reason to be abusive towards you. Unless he acknowledges that his behaviour is unacceptable and takes steps to do something about it, the situation is unlikely to change. Perhaps you could have a think about what you are getting out of this relationship and whether it?s time to assess whether or not you have a future together.

My husband puts me down and calls me names all of the time, he says I?m a bad mother and that I?m going mad. I?m starting to believe him and I don?t think I can cope any more. What should I do?

What you?re describing is emotional abuse. This verbal abuse and mental torture is classed as domestic violence and he shouldn?t be allowed to treat you this way. You?re not going mad. This is a very common thing for an abusive person to say. He?s trying to undermine your self-esteem and make you feel that you?re reliant on him. Remember that you are not in any way responsible for what?s happening. He is abusing you and you don?t have to accept it. You would probably feel a lot more able to cope with life if he wasn?t constantly putting you down.

It?s completely normal to feel the way that you?re feeling when you?ve been experiencing this level of consistent emotional abuse. You may want to consider visiting your GP to talk about how you?ve been feeling. If you tell them the situation, they can make notes on your medical record and this could then be used as evidence should you need it in the future. If you want to end the relationship, you could think about taking out an injunction against him to make him leave the house and stay away from you.

Alternatively you could seek emergency accommodation to get yourself and your children out of this abusive situation.

If you?re not ready to leave the relationship then you could still contact your local domestic violence service to get emotional support whilst the relationship continues.

The cycle is explained by WA:

Cycle of violence: cyclical model of abuse followed by remorse

The term ?cycle of violence? is also used to refer to a cyclical model of an abusive relationship (1) in which the abuse gradually gets worse and builds to a climax, often involving severe physical or sexual violence; this is then followed by remorse and pleas for forgiveness (the ?hearts and flowers? or ?honeymoon? phase). At that stage, the abuser is likely to promise never to repeat the violence; however ? according to this model - the tension gradually builds up again to a further climax of abuse. The cycle can take varied periods of time, but tends to speed up the longer the relationship lasts.

It's important to see the honeymoon phase as a part of a continuing pattern of power and control ? i.e. the perpetrator using his expressions of remorse as a tool to absolve himself from responsibility, and to manipulate his partner into staying in the relationship ? perhaps even blaming herself for his violence. This model may have some relevance in some circumstances, but isn't universally applicable.

and you can see a pic of it here

and now I'll go through your posts x

I'm going to do them one by one and they are just your comments that ring bells for me....

From September 2007: (I know you?ll say ?it was my PND? but darling, MY PND was because of the relationship mostly and then a bit of having a baby hormones going wonky.....)

Last night kept getting up, finally settled but woke 4 times and I put him bk to bed. On 5th time dp got up (wow I thought) but oh no! DP found ds downstairs and began saying in a loud stern voice 'no ds it's not time to get up, go back to bed'. (ds was crying) grr. He also made him walk back upstairs.

I had already explained I was picking ds up, bk in bed hardly any talking but low and quiet with plenty of shushing.

DP stomps into our room with ds, I say whats the matter dp replies 'i don't know but I am going bk to bed.

When ds was a baby I was really fed up and lonely, dp continued going out with mates, etc, and I felt really peeved. I rememeber feeling very aware that I would be better off (in all ways) on my own with ds, and this morning I am feeling it all over again!
I had already discussed with him what i was doing, why etc, if I discuss it again it means he 'is doing it all wrong' and will take it personally. Although I was told off last week for multitasking, cooking badly and slamming the front door, I am not allowed to mention any of his shortcomings.

I worry about taking myself off as I am trying not to shut dp out, and he will take me going off on my own as a personal insult. Also am feeling guilty about ds being on his own in bed, and dpon't want him to feel sad about it.

Last time I had hair done in a salon dp sat outside the shop with ds in buggy and two dss's looking extremely bored. Could have looked in a few shops on same street but oh no!

Yes drives me mad too. When we go to market and car boot he thinks we should stick together, whereas I think seen as I don't want to look at tools and he doesn't want to look at clothes we could look at different stalls and catch up withe ach other here and there, also we do have mobiles with us

Dec 07:

Anyway what I found totally shocked me. My dp had put pictures of his #*^@ on a cottaging website, and people had been messaging him complimenting him!!

When we spoke about he said he done it as he feels I hate his cock and wanted to boost his confidence. I have never been a fan of oral, and don't feel confident in the bedroom to say the least. He admitted he knew it was wrong to do it, but if this is the point our relationship has got to - he has to get sexual compliments from strangers - what can I do?
Enrol in sex school maybe

I am angry that he has solely put it on me, and yes I do feel even less sexual now than before hand. Think I may be suffering from depression (had an appointment booked last week but couldn't face going), have taken out my contraceptive implant (last month) to role out hormonal reasons (we have been talking about it and trying to sort it).

Jan 08:

From Jan 08:

He is at a friends around the corner, his best friend happens to live with my best friend and they have a newborn so she is probably in bed - even if she could talk on the phone dp is there.

I can't see a way to get through it. He has been lying to me, he has broken promises. Maybe he wants me to leave. Maybe he is being a knob so I go and he is the vistim.

He will just bury his head in the sand and see what I do.

Yes I do jackstini and if he had been upfront I wouldn't have cared. He has denied, lied to me when asked, and then gone behind my back and done this. Well we have had a talk but I still don't know how I feel. He pretty much said our relationship is shit and is not enough for him.

I suggested relate and he said we didn't need it.

He doesn't seem to understand how much this is hurting me, just makes me think he is selfish.

That is what I'm afraid of LoveAngel, he will not answer me straight when I ask him if he is bi. Even though he has put it on this website.

He said he does it for the compliments.

I do feel like he has said I would have to change everything about myself for him to be happy with me. I think it really shitty of him. VERY* WORRYING

He was not apologetic, said we don't have sex enough and our sex life doesn't cut the mustard. I gave him the chance to tell me and he didn't. It was very half hearted on his part and left me feeling worse.

We are going to explore things through relate. Our relationship is very one sided with me doing an awful lot for him. His only complaint is sex.

Also being 'together' has become this huge thing in my head, if we work on this aspect of our relationship will I feel I am sacrificing my wants and needs (or lack of them) to please him and keep him satisfied??