Is this it then - bored and slightly sad until I die?

[retiredlady]

We have lived in Northamptonshire for nearly 20 years now and my husband took early retirement 4 years ago.

Our two daughters have left the family home to follow their careers and we just seem to sit here ticking off the days and weeks waiting to die. We both do voluntry sector work but are very much aware that the moment we stop doing this type of work the organisations involved will simply forget all about us.

We wondered if moving closer to my two sisters might be the answer in terms of seeing people that are actually interested in us?

I am close to tears as I write this and I hardly ever cry. Can somebody please suggest a possible escape route?

Go on retreat for a week or so (not necessarily in a religious way unless it's your thing). Just somewhere where there is no telly or distractions and just allow your mind to wander at will. Do something that will keep you busy but be quite automatic like walking or cycling or knitting. You may have an epiphany (I did & it led to a total change in career). If not, you will still have had a nice holiday. Btw don't take dh! Send him off on his own & compare notes after.

Do you have lots of friends you can socialise more with, throw dinner parties etc.
You are both still really young, hire a camper van and tour round Britain, across europe etc!

In a way I am looking forward to reaching your life stage because of all the freedoms I will have again (currently 2 DDs who are 4 and 22 months). The world is your oyster! You are young enough to do what you please (finances allowing). After all these years of being "parents" you can be you again. Enjoy! These could be the best years yet!

i agree, i think mid fifties is really young! i would think about giving up the voluntary work if you feel you aren't really appreciated it and if it isn't making you feel good...
there are so many other things you could be doing. it can be really hard to find out what inspires you, but once you click into what does inspire you it can be amazing.
did you ever have any childhood ambitions? that you can slowly start working towards in some way...
which subjects did you like best at school?
which activities have you ever enjoyed throughout your life?
what bit of your life do you think needs work? emotional / intellectual / physical?
i can really recommend the hoffman process if you want to get a clear vision for your future - its great.

Being in your mid 50s with independent children means you are totally free to enjoy yourselves.

Over here in Oz the thing to do is be "grey nomads" where people buy a caravan/campervan and just head off for an undetermined time - doing bits of work now and then, but really just seeing the country and enjoying themselves.

I would try to think back to all the things you wished you could do when you were in your 30s - which of those would you like to do? Learn a new skill, do something more fulfilling volunteer wise (I'm a Guide Leader and really feel like I make a big difference), write a novel, do an evening class - do 5 evening classes!

Head over to the US or Canada and do some amazing travelling, write a blog or a diary about it.

What skills do you already have? DH and I rented a house from a couple who had gone to work for a year on a "Mercy Ship" off the coast of Ghana - she was an optometrist and examined and helped hundrads of people. You'd be surprised what skills other countries need.

No one will ever look back at 90 and wish they had spent more time in front of the TV.

Good luck!

go to cookery classes,learn a new hobby,golf maybe...quick start your hubby into action....you dont have to put up with bored...its your life tooo

You both sound afraid to do anything unexpected.

You have a routine, a settled life... but it's dull!

Do something small TODAY that's different - cook a meal you haven't cooked before. Buy a different newspaper. Ask your DH his opinion on a new film/TV programme/political issue

Plan to do bigger things that are different.

When you're on your death bed, what would you WISH you'd done? Alone and also with your DH?

doesn't sound to me as if OP and her dh are doing anything at all wrong. They are just lonely. It's about more than filling your days with activity, although that can help take your mind off it.

Maybe after all the time you have spent putting other people first, such as your two girls and the people you help via voluntary work and in regular paid employment, it is uncomfortable to put yourselves first and I think this is the task for this time in your lives perhaps.

Maybe it's time to find out: who am I beneath the mother, the wife, the employee, the aid worker? And that could be a very nice thing to do

partner swop?? -sorry couldn't resist, just being frivolous!!!

I would definitely move closer to your sisters if you can.

My mother in law joined a yoga class and a walking group when she retired and is enjoying both.

How old are your daughters? I am assuming you don't have grandchildren (yet?)

I wonder if part time paid work or a craft or small "enterprise" would bring some of the sparkle back. I'm much the same age as you but I have two children to get through university yet and a challenging job. Some of m;y firends have retired and they seem to get this "spare part" feeling to begin with. My happiest friends gave up careers as ortho;dontist and nurse for a while and now run a small gardening/landscape business for part of the year and travel on their small yacht for most of the rest of the time, this works very well for them. Another friend who was a sales rep. for an Airline now does some part time consultancy work for an airport - something remunerative, even if you don't need the money seems to add a bit of raison de etre to life. ( Yes I did name change for the other thread and can't be bothered to change back just yet!)

Wheniwish, what's the Hoffman process?

I am only 45 and lost my husband in a road accident last year. I am at the stage now where I feel angry at him/me because we awere always 'going to do' things when the children grew up/left home/we had more money. Now I am on my own and realise that life MUST be lived while you are alive - you can't do it when you're dead. If you are not happy with him - leave. If you are happy then do things, together, alone - whatever just do them. Please don't end up like me, alone and wishing I had actually done stuff instead of just watching other people and thinking 'one day'. Good luck!

Your post sounds sad . VSO sounds a good idea if you are able to do that.

Trefusis refers to a poster who makes huge changes every few years. That post really struck a chord in me too, though in reality it is hard to do. I do think you need to make some big changes though - face your demons and move out of your comfort zone; you sound as though you have a lot to give.

I have a friend who is determined, once the dc have left home, to go on an Adult Gap Year - In fact, I may join her. Why not take a look at the website and see where you want to go

Try reading these books:

Shift Happens!: Powerful Ways to Transform Your Life - Robert Holden

Change your life in 7 days - Paul Mckenna

How to be Happy: Making Slough Happy

How about
singing - join a choir
dancing -ballroom, indian, rock and roll, line dancing, ceildgh dancing
yoga
mediation
bowls
pottery
the gym
allotment
a church
amateur dramatics
golf
Get a dog/cat - dogs are good if you have the time - they give unconditional love
Im brainstorming here -

What did you love doing as a child/young person- can you try it again
What were your passions/loves
What can you do as a couple

Its always hard before a big change - but take a deep breathe - try something that appeals

Good luck and wishing you happiness

trefusis - yes that is me and DW that do the 'throwing everything in the air every 7 years' thing. It is a bit mad and frightening but my goodness it get the blood racing.

I do encourage retiredlady to sit down with DH and literally imagine what it would be like to not own the house you live in, not own a stitch of your current clothing, have no car, have no ties to anyone and starting out in married life again.

What clothes would you like to wear, where would you love to live, where would you love to see. Develop a dream life together and then really go for it. Let nothing hold you back. Themind is what most often holds people back rather than money or circumstances.

We retired at 39 - that was our last mad decision! Now we are 46 our latest mad decision was to throw a dart at a map and go and live where it landed. We moved just a month ago.

God if anyone told me to do gardneing or AM dram in 10 years time I think id die

allotment,church, volunteering ? the OP is in her 50's not 70's, FFS, !!!

Is your life full enough? Are you busy most days?

Yes we seem busy, but the weeks go by and nothing seems to happen that is worth reporting in my diary.

Get the impression you do things TOGETHER rather than SEPARATELY. If you do different stuff on your own you have more to talk about in the evenings.

With all due thanks to the other posters this was the most useful comment and where we intend to make the changes. I have tended to steer clear of my hobbies at the expense of our hobbies for too long.

I would think about giving up the voluntary work if you feel you aren't really appreciated it and if it isn't making you feel good.

We both enjoy what we do but I always remember my late Mother who did voluntary work for the same organisation for 31 years and didn?t even get a thank-you note when she left.

Many, many thanks to all of you who have spent time helping me. I will report back in a few months to let you know how things worked out.

hi abetadad....how was the move....your life sounds absolutely brilliant.

thsanks for all your previous advice re diet..4 days b4 i went away on hols everything seemed to settle down with gall bladder op and i now seem able to eat neasrly everything and can drink aswell.ouzo went down a treat. only thing since returning home funnily enuf is british bread and cereal...it makes my tummy gurgle 4 ever. other than that i feel virtually 100 %.
thanks again for all your support

alypay - the move was tiring but we made it and we feel happy now we are here.

Interesting you talk about BRITISH bread. DW says exacly the same. We have a bread maker as one of our moving house presents as DW is convinced she feels better eating bread abroad. Glad to hear you are feeling well.I am well too although I stupildy went and ate some creme fraiche the other day. Not doing that again!

Maybe you shouldn't have retired. Mid 50s is far too young to give up work! I am slightly younger than you but have changed careers and am building up my own business.
I can't envisage retiring-I am as energetic as I was in my 20s and 30s.

I'd suggest you either get a job, or re-train, or at least plan some exciting holidays/events/goals for your self. and stop thinking of yourself as old. You could well have another 40 years left on the planet.

good luck retiredlady! hope you manage to get back into your own hobbies as you suggested...
and do all the things that you think are a good idea...