How can I stop sex becoming a damaging issue between DH and I?

[KurtMummegut]

My DH and I are very happy. We love each other, make each other laugh, enjoy parenting together and I know he is the man I will be with until Death Do Us Part. However, our sex life is not great and I am starting to feel very sad that sex will probably never be a big part of my life.

A bit of history: I was raped when I was at university. After that I would tense up whenever men would try and enter me, even when I was keen for them to try. I never managed to have full sex again until I met DH. When we met I did not let him even try and have sex with me for 8 months. For the first four I found excuses and gave him oral sex to try and distract him. He was very patient. Then I felt he deserved to know that he was not the issue so I told him about the rape. He was lovely and never pushed me. Finally I agreed to try and it all went well. That was eight years ago.

Since then we have had enjoyable but unadventurous sex two or three times a month. DH never initiates, it is always me. For several years I was happy with this, I thought he was being considerate in light of my past and I figured neither of us had strong sex drives but we were well matched and equally happy with the frequency. However, in the last couple of years my sex drive has increased and his seems to have decreased. He still never initiates despite a couple of chats when I have encouraged him to.

We had DC2 10 months ago and have had sex only twice since then. Sometimes I hint at it and he pretends not to notice the hint but offers a subtle rebuff (like mentioning how exhausted he is). Last week I told him I regretted how little sex we had and said I wanted more sex, and more sex initiated by him. He said he felt the same but was just too tired at bedtime and wished we would have sex just after the kids' bedtimes. For five nights I have made sure I follow him to our room after the kids' are in bed and have waited for him to then initiate something. He has not done a thing. Tonight I feel so frustrated. I am desperate for him to show some interest and am left feeling undesirable. I am at a loss at what to do now. I do not want to initiate as he is clearly not up for it.

I think I have to accept that sex is never going to be a strength of our relationship. I hear of women who get so much joy from sex and am sad that I am never going to get the chance to be one of those women.

What would you do if you were me?

I cannot believe that in todays society there are still people women peddling the "you should have sex even if you dont want to as its your duty in a marriage"

I don't think it's my duty, but sometimes my husband is obviously in the mood and I'm not. I love him and don't want him to feel rejected and enjoy the physical closeness so will have sex. Similarly sometimes I'm feeling horny and he's not too bothered but will have sex because he loves me and my feelings are important to him.
Sex is important in a relationship, one partner deliberately ignoring the other partners sexual desires is quite selfish and cruel to me. Nothing to do with duty, everything to do with lovinng your partner and caring about their feelings and happiness and not wanting them to feel unattractive and rejected.

its one thing to allow your Dp to try and turn you on when you think your not in the mood, quite another to just lay back and think of England.
Its not at all loving or respectfull to be used as a blow up doll/dildo

well said rebecca, you just put exactly what i wanted to say.

Mamazon - is it ok then for my husband to just refuse sex cos he doesn't want it? (he's got no deep issues, just a low sex drive) Is it ok for him to make me feel rejected and frustrated yet still insist that I stay faithful and basically have a celibate relationship?

Same goes for women who have low sex drives and turn down their husbands every, single time leaving them feeling rejected and unwanted, but are they utterly devastated when they have affairs. (same argument goes entirely for men who won't sleep with their wives)

If you have a low sex drive and are happy to never have sex again and are unwilling to make any compromise towards your partner, surely it's cruel and selfish to insist they give up their sex life too?

I am of course NOT talking about relationships where there is an 'issue', such as health, childbirth complications, abuse, rape etc etc...of course noone should be forced into having sex.

What would you rather then, justgaveup? He 'forces' himself to have sex with you? How on earth would you feel then? Sex should be about closeness and love, not duty because the other person feels horny!

Certainly get counselling if you want to, but don't think that by making the other person have sex with you the marriage will become any better. Forcing your other half to have sex makes you nothing more than a receptacle or him a vibrator - and please don't believe the old story that a man or woman who doesn't get sex whenever they want in a marriage will look elsewhere. It simply isn't true.

NO. of course its not ok to be so insensetive as to simply rebuff a considered sexual advance ( im nottalking about a quick grope whilst wa\shing up)

but at the same time, making someone have sex when they don't want to will just lead to resentment and make matters worse.

it is something that needs to be discussed and worked on.
just lettinf the other person just get o with it will solve nothing in the long term

Paolosgirl - no, you're right, i don't want him to have sex with me just cos he 'has' to and to keep me happy. He's tried that and you're right, it's worse than not having it at all. I don't want any favours, i want him to want sex cos he fancies me not to keep me from moaning about it.

There's just no real answer to this problem of mismatched sex drives.

I suppose I just wanted to stick up for the partners who are constantly rejected and tell those people who are just a bit 'lazy' about initiating sex that once in a while initiating it can make a MASSIVE difference to the other person. It doesn't have to be everytime but every now and then it can make the world of difference to someones confidence.

My sex life with my husband is over now, we tried and tried and we can't reach a compromise, years of hurt and rejection have taken their toll and that's it.

I just wanted to share my experience and put the other point of view across.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, JustGaveUp - what a desperately sad situation to be in.

I've no idea what the solution to mismatched sex drives is. I think that it's certainly right that occasionally one or other partner should have sex if they are not entirely in the mood, but not on a regular basis. You're right - that's just worse than not doing it at all. What happens when one person NEVER wants sex I don't know - I know that it's usually a symptom of something else (not simply being "precious"), whether it's physical or mental or emotional, and I suppose that's where counselling would come in if both partners want to save the marriage and make each other happy. It's a difficult one - I hope you (and the OP) can find a way through

When this happens is a discreet EMA - perhaps through an agency like "Loving Links" really such a bad idea?

yes it is. an affair is an affair is an affair.

however much you pay the agency to find your bit on the side

in my experience, yes...an affair is saving my marriage and as far as I'm concerned not hurting anyone.

My husband and I have mismatched sex drives, we have talked it to death over and over again, and when it boils down to it, he just has no sex drive, not interested in sex and when I do sometimes hassle him into performing I can tell the whole thing is just like some chore for him and he can't wait for it to be over - which results in crap sex for me. So now, I've just given up.

When we talk about it, he gets very upset and feels bad that he's letting me down and then it causes loads of tension for a couple of days but nothing ever changes.

I've asked him if he's gay - NO
I've asked him how he feels about me getting sex elsewhere - NO WAY
I've asked him if he thinks it's ok that I just live a celibate life now - 'well no, but don't know what i can do about it'

I have a very high sex drive, I love sex and being fancied and having passion in my life is very important to be confidence and self esteem and stress levels.

So, I have finally decided to get sex elsewhere. I've found a fuck buddy that I see every couple of weeks. He knows exactly what the score is, I'm using him for sex. He understands that he NEVER contacts me at home or rings me or emails me and my husband and family come first. I can't and won't offer him anything else other than 'a shag' and if he doesn't like it, we call it off.

I have to say it's working out very well. No hassles, I get great sex and an ego boost and feel wanted and sexy. I come home in a great mood and am relaxed and feeling good. I don't hassle hubby about sex, which makes him much more relaxed and in my eyes everyone's happy.

Of course, I feel guilty at times and I know my husband would be devastated if he found out BUT I also truly believe that if I wasn't doing this my marriage would have fallen apart by now cos the stress of having no sex was making me angry/frustrated/insecure/ratty/weepy and I was totally obsessing about it.

There is a chance your husband does know but doesn't want to rock the boat by saying anything.

well you know what your doing and if its working for you then fine.
but i really don't see how you can say its not huirting anyone when you also say your DH would be devestated if he knew.

I just hope your secret remains so

yeah, there is a chance that he knows or suspects and is just letting me 'get on with it' cos maybe he too has realised that this is the only way we can both be 'happy'.

Mamazon - what i mean is noone is getting hurt at the moment, whereas before I was getting VERY hurt. I too hope it remains a secret for everyones sake.

JustGaveUp - exactly what is holding you both in this marriage?!

mutual love, friendship, admiration, support, laughter, strength, understanding, fun, 2 wonderful children, shared dreams, shared ideals of parenting.

He makes me feel loved,supported and understood...I couldn't cope without him.

He says I bring him support and make him feel loved.

I love him
He loves me

Our ONLY problem is sex. I can't throw away the other 90% of our fantastic relationship because we can't work out that one area.

Actually, I am with Rebecca and justgave up. I read a book about mismatched libidos a while back and one of the suggestions was that the person with the lower libido, should sometimes have sex even though they weren't in the mood, and should consider it as a 'gift' to their loved one. I do think sex is important in a relationship, whether there is lots of it or none at all. When one person has decided that they are not going to have sex unless they are in the mood, and their libido is so low as to almost never want it, then I don't think it unreasonable for the other person to seek sex outside the relationship. I would never advocate an affair normally, but I do think in those circumstances it can be justified. the potential problem though, is that a sexual relationship could turn into a full blown love affair with all the fall out that we read about so often on here. Sadly though, I tend to feel that in those cases, the person who has been so adamant about only meeting their own (non) needs sexually, kind of gets what they deserve.

So if you don't give in to the sexual demands of your partner then you deserve it if they have an affair?

You can disguise it any way you want, and you can justify it using any means, but the bottom line is you are having an affair. Affairs cause untold hurt and distress, regardless of what you might think, and whether it's just for sex or something more it always ends in tears, or it destroys something in the relationship for ever.

Quite frankly, it sounds as if you are each others best friend JustGaveUp - but sadly nothing more.

guess like many things on here, people have their own opinions and experiences and we'll have to agree to disagree

I guess so. Good luck.

I'm pleased some of us have mentioned the affair possibility on this thread - it seemed to me to be the "elephant in the room"
On the basis that it is very difficult and perhaps not quite ethical to try to change someone the only options in this situation are

1. To put up with the situation, and perhaps look for other areas of life to develop as a distraction and to bring a different sort of satisfaction.
2. To leave and find someone else.
3. To try to change your partner even though it seems hopeless

4.find someone else to meet your needs - this is emotionally very difficult and a risky path but I think mature people often can and do manage to find peace and satisfaction this way - especially if it is with someone else in a similar situation.

I am with 2Rebecca/sayithowitis because when I had a very low libido due to ill health I made a positive decision to have sex even if I did not really feel like it or even if I thought I could not 'perform'. There was always a good reason not to and I had to make it happen. I talked to DW, told her I might not perform but just wanted her to enjoy it and not worry about me. often I surprised myself and enjoyed it too.

I do think it is a gift to the other person and very unfair to force someone to be celibate and monogomous. Frankly, I often feel the person with low libido in many of these types of threads get their own way by effectively bullying the other person into silence by constantly rejecting them. Of course no one should forced into sex but not being at all bothered about how the other person feels is very selfish in my view.

KurtMummegut - all I can suggest to you and DH go to the GP and find out whether there may be physical reasons why DH has a low sex drive (e.g thyroid problems, diet, heart condition). In addition go to bed really early so he is not tired, get plenty of rest and encourage him to join a gym, weight training and anaerobic excercise inceases testosterone levels. It worked well for me. If that does not work your only route is counselling and therapy.

However, DH has to to want to do something about it and that was the first crucial step for me. Someone with low libido has to want to do something about it. Frankly, a lot of people I think are just lazy and cannot be bothered. It is soul destroying being the only person who initiates and is often turned down.

No, I can assure you, low libido is NOT always about being lazy and not being bothered - just as having a high sex drive is not always about just needing to learn to keep your legs together or stop being so controlling. It's ridiculous to suggest either - sex is far more complicated than that.

I don't know if it's different for women because we are penetrated iykwim, but I know when I had a low libido (again due to ill health) the LAST thing I would have wanted was to feel that all I had to do was to give it up, and offer it to DH as a 'gift'. That additional pressure would have been far more damaging to our relationship, and would have made me resent him and the act of sex far more. Fortunately, he was incredibly understanding and we got back onto an even keel. It had NOTHING to do with bullying, or not caring how your partner feels, and it really pisses me off that anyone would be so glib as to suggest otherwise .

I think when a relationship is healthy sex wise sex is 5% of the relationship, when sex is a problem it becomes 95% of the relationship.

Paolosgirl - I have been there and I am not being glib and believe me not being able to maintain an erection is just as distressing for a man.

There are though many ways of maintaining a sexual relationship through difficult periods of low libido and it does not have to involve penetration.

I say again, the person with low libido has to make the positive decision though. They cannot be forced into it.