really upset - grandparents ignoring ds

[outofpractice]

I am really really upset and I could not hide it from ds. My parents have now got a new grandchild and all of a sudden they don't have any time for ds, who was the first grandchild and they used to love so much. Mum keeps on extending her stay with my sister and won't tell me when she is going home, and yesterday she rang me and cancelled all the dates in June and July when they had both promised to visit my ds at our house and for ds to go and stay with them. They said that I can get a babysitter and did not understand when I said that of course I could afford a babysitter or cancel what I was supposed to be doing, but what I had wanted was for my ds to spend time with his grandparents again. My married sister was very bitchy to me because my exp left when I was pregnant and she told me I was a failure and told me it was wrong to have a baby alone, so there is a lot of sibling rivalry on both sides lying behind this.

Outofpractice, sorry to hear about this awkward situation. How is your ds reacting to this? What did your Mum say when you said that ds wanted to see them?
Sorry I can't offer any advice, but I hope that things get better.

im sorry to hear that,seems like your sister has brainwashed them and shes doing everything possible for her baby to get all their attention,dont let her get her own way and get on the phone to your parents today and tell them that youre not using them to babysit that all you want is their time with your son,good luck

This sounds like situation similar to ours.

I am stepmum to 2 boys aged 10 & 11 and our problem is with my husbands ex in-laws. They never really had time for husb when he was married to their daughter and so it came as no surprise that they had no time for his offspring, despite them being innocent babies etc etc. Things have moved on and both Husb and ex have moved to new relationships, this has made things worse in the grandparent dept as they've just gotten more and more dismissive. Situation is not helped by grandfather saying hurtful and untrue things to the boys about my 9month old daughter, their half-sister (she will always be 'Daddies favourite' etc). Also the grandparents have just had a new baby granddaughter of their own (born to their 'golden boy' son). Husband seems resigned to the fact that they don't care, but it is obviously hurting the boys. H lost his parents when the boys were toddlers so the ex in-laws are the only biological grandparents left. Am I wrong to feel that they shouldn't be experiencing this kind of rejection at this stage ?

Ds is really upset and says that his grandparents have changed and they are being horrible. I spoke to my Dad and he now says they are not available to visit us at any time in June, July, or August, but he will send me some cash for a babysitter!!! I said I did not need his money as I could use my savings and that I was really hurt by the message about how low a priority we were. He said they had given me so much help over the last 3 years, and now it was my sister's turn. So I said fool that I was, I had thought they were visiting us out of love, all these years, not because they thought I really needed help and was unable to cope. Anyway, one of my friends said her parents would come to visit ds this weekend, because he is missing his grandparents. Do you think we will have to adopt a new set of grandparents from somewhere else?!

ADOPT-A-GRANNY, what a great idea !

I really don't know what 'advice' to give but I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one experiencing 'new grandchild syndrome'. Hopefully things will normalise once the flurry of excitement over your niece/nephew dies down a bit and they realise that they do have the capacity to support both sets of children and grandchildren. Doesn't excuse their current behaviour though.

outofpractice you are not alone. It really hurts.I have faced it on both sides. I only grew up knowing my grandad as others grandparents had died and my dads mother never wanted to know him or any subsequent children.
My ex in-laws only phone maybe 1-2 a year. If that.My own mother and father have always maintained that they have looked after their own children so wont be babysitting any grandchildren (unless it is an emergency). I have always found a babysitter for my kids and never relied on them for childcare whatsoever. But like you I have a bitch of a sister who's 2 children can do no wrong yet they are babysat by my mum and dad.
I am currently not speaking to either parent(see wedding prob thread)as this is part of the grivance I have with them.they can babysit certain grandchildren but not all. To me this is so UNFAIR and hurtful.The last time I spoke to my mother over 10 days ago I told her that she treated grandchildren differently and that they were BLATANT about it and very unfair.
On dp side there is only his mother left. MIL will not offer to mind our children but her other grandchildren can go and stay all weekend.
It feels like my children are being punished for something they havent done. They all have had their moments but that is just what children do.They are not bad children and if truth be known my children are more well mannered and respectful than most of the other grandchildren on both sides.This has been a problem for years and I am sick of the favouritism.
Dp and I have resigned ourselves to the fact that it is THEIR problem not ours.

In your situation I would let them enjoy their new grandchild and keep very low key for the moment.They need the chance to know her aswell. Just let your parents get on with it.Give it time for them to contact you over your ds. I know your ds will be hurt but he will be hurt more if you rock the boat. By that I mean if your sister is as half a bitch as mine you will end up looking like the bad ba**d because she will say to your parents that you are attention seeking.Think the whole situation through.Please dont end up like me.Take care and let us know how you get on.
Apologies for the rant.

p.s I could give you lots of examples of favouritism.

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outofpratice and sb34 are you the eldest of the siblings. I am asking this because I am.

sb34 I really emphathised with your post.

Thanks for all your messages. Part of being upset is the feeling that you are the only one with such a feuding family. doormat, I am the younger one, but since ds was born and my sister started ranting at me, Mum used to say, "Forgive her. Just think in your mind that you are the older sister, and forgive her for being immature." It got to the point where she was so bitchy that I told my parents I could not talk to her, because I got too upset, and they accepted it. Now she has had a baby, they are blaming me for not having a total change of heart. I sent her various books and presents, and to please Mum even spent 90 minutes advising her about breastfeeding (she was just the same as ever and I was just biting my tongue). When she got pregnant, I made Mum promise not to tell my sister anything about my pregnancy or ds, because she gets jealous and competitive, and Mum said I was right, and said that whenever my sister asked she just said she could not remember. I get so fed up because like this I am supposed to be the sensible one all the time, and yet at the same time I get all the flak for being the naughty one because I am not married. It makes me think that I should really do something naughty one of these days.

Thanks for all your messages. Part of being upset is the feeling that you are the only one with such a feuding family. doormat, I am the younger one, but since ds was born and my sister started ranting at me, Mum used to say, "Forgive her. Just think in your mind that you are the older sister, and forgive her for being immature." It got to the point where she was so bitchy that I told my parents I could not talk to her, because I got too upset, and they accepted it. Now she has had a baby, they are blaming me for not having a total change of heart. I sent her various books and presents, and to please Mum even spent 90 minutes advising her about breastfeeding (she was just the same as ever and I was just biting my tongue). When she got pregnant, I made Mum promise not to tell my sister anything about my pregnancy or ds, because she gets jealous and competitive, and Mum said I was right, and said that whenever my sister asked she just said she could not remember. I get so fed up because like this I am supposed to be the sensible one all the time, and yet at the same time I get all the flak for being the naughty one because I am not married. It makes me think that I should really do something naughty one of these days.

outofpractice it looks like your sister has brainwashed your parents. I know people out ther cant imagine this being done but it goes on.

I think you have really tried and made an effort with your sister as I have.

As for feuding family it has only got like this recently. Like sb34 I am the most outspoken. I am so sick of the blatant favouritism that goes on in my family that I have chosen to pull away. It hurts too much to sit there and let it go on in front of me, my dp and my children.
Take care

it happens in our family too my kids get ignored in favour of other grandkids.

i like to think that what goes around comes around - if you have good vibes things that are good will come to you in time.

babies are all such fun for the first few weeks until it gets tedious and tiring, remember the novelty will wear off - and if your child is older and at nursery or school - you can get yours back by bragging about how wonderful it is to have no kids around your feet for a while - and how you are off to the gym or sunbeds or sauna or massage or hair done or nails done or something which would breed real envy!!!!

Outofpractice - it sounds to me like your sister is a very "needy" person whereas you sound like you have your feet firmly on the ground and extremely capable. I should imagine this is even clearer to your parents and parents love to feel useful and needed. As the others have mentioned the novelty of the baby will wear off and I'm sure they will then realise how much they have missed your ds. I can understand how hurt you feel though - I hope they realise how their actions have hurt you and make amends soon.

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dear outofpractice, just to give a different perspective, when I read you posts, I did make me wonder what was going on at your sisters right now? Could it be that she is suffering PND or that there are problems there? It does seem odd that your parents are saying now that they won't be free for the next 3 months. It makes me think that there is something going on that you don't know about.
I agree with the others that they are being unfair, and your ds doesn't deserve this, but hang on for a few months until the novelty has worn off.

Mum has apologised to me and now says that she will honour all the dates when she had promised to see ds. So, we have made up. I said it was OK and I could get a babysitter for some of them, but that what had really been upsetting me was the dates when he was looking forward to go and stay with them, but she said she would make all the dates, and she had been under a lot of stress on Thursday and said things which weren't true. Dad is going to go and stay with my sister instead. I am sure that demands are being made on them which I don't know about. What is left though is a kiddy sense of joy that my parents still care, but also a sadness that whatever I do, my Dad seems eternally disappointed in me, because I am not what he thinks a womanly woman should be like. Part of him is always grieving because I have failed to be demure and clingy and needy like his model of femininity. I remember being 15 and having this conversation with Mum, and she telling me that I did not have to please my dad in life, but at times like this, I feel 15 again.

I'm glad to hear things are improving.

Your Dad should be proud of you. Ok, you may not be the 1950's 'lady' he seems to think you should be, but you are (or seem to be) a strong, independent, caring and sensitive woman.

Ever heard the saying , "You can't please all of the people all of the time"... ?

outofpractice, I just wanted to sympathise - my mum will never be proud of me, I'm sure of that and so I've given up looking for her approval really. It's not nice though is it? I don't have any advice I'm afraid, I'm just sort of resigned to it but sad too. Ho hum. Anyway, I agree, it sounds like there's something there you don't know about with your sister but at least your mum isn't going to disappoint your ds now. EJsmum, welcome to mumsnet.

Thanks WWW ! I'm a Mumsnet virgin

outofpractice, I'm glad that your Mum will now see your ds when she said he would. Like others have said it sounds like they are under pressure from your sister, but at least your Mum has recognised this and is trying to do something about it.
I'm glad that the situation is getting better.

Not quite the same issue, but ongoing saga. Mum and I have just not been getting on all year. I have tried talking to her seriously, I have tried watching funny videos with her, I have tried going away for a few days with her, I have tried writing her a letter saying how I feel, I have tried taking her out for lunch with just us two, I have tried sending her little gifts, I have tried calling her every day, I have tried only calling her once a week. It is as if once my sister finally had a baby, she has shifted her focus from nagging her to have a baby to nagging and criticising me. At present her nagging is focused on me not getting married again and not having another baby. She keeps on sending me personal ads for totally unsuitable men that I have nothing in common with (eg they live in a different country or city and they have totally different educational backgrounds and interests). She seems to think that no one is happily married (she had an arranged marriage) and that it is my destiny to be unhappily married to whichever person is available asap. Every time I ring her she is scolding me and saying she is expecting an apology, but I can never understand exactly what it is that I am supposed to be apologising for. In the rest of my life I am really happy. Whenever I speak to her Mum is telling me off for not getting married again, for not having a big suburban house, for not having two more children before age 34, for not being my sister, essentially. On the other hand, I know that she has gained a lot of weight this year and is worried about retirement and the future, but she won't discuss any of this with me, just mentions that she is tired and has a headache because of these things.

outofpractice hi. I started a thread just like this a while back and it's VERY upsetting isn't it. Your story sounds nearly the same. My dd was first granchild then my older sister had a boy.then another boy! I am always being asked when i'm having another but it's the way she dotes on the boys that got to me! There are various stories but the one that sticks is when i was told my dd needed an operation, (albeit a minor one she still needed general anasthaetic and i was in bits!) I went to see my mum as dp was working away and she practically ran out of the house cause "your sister needs nappies!!!!" Anyway, she has the boys all the time and my dd hardly gets a look in! A few weeks ago my dd 2.6 begged my mum to go and play at her house but she was going out with the boys!! I think it opened her eyes a bit and when she said she was feeling guilty i didn't rescue her and that in itself spoke volumes. I do however have a great relationship mith my mum and she does take dd for a few hours every week! I hope things get better and please keep us updated.......
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Angeliz, I read your thread, and it is very similar. When ds was smaller either Mum or especially Dad (who is retired) often used to come and spend a few days with me midweek. It was lovely for me just to have someone around to pick up or drop off ds, share dinner with us etc, as I work full-time. We also had time to talk, over a few days. This year, all that has stopped. Mum gets jealous (she still works) that Dad is free midweek and has stopped him coming. So they did a couple of flying weekend visits this year, which everyone found exhausting and no one enjoyed and led to lots of quarrelling all weekend. It makes me fed up, because she ignores all my achievements as a mother (my friends all tell me ds is lovely and I bring him up well), professionally, domestically (eg I am now a really good cook and my home, although small, is well kept and comfortable), financially (I earn more than lots of my schoolfriends and have no debt), socially (I have lots of nice friends, new ones since I split up with exp, whom Mum never wants to meet), and is constantly disappointed because my life is not a parallel of her own experiences 30 years ago. I feel like I just want to avoid her, but then I remember how much fun we used to have, laughing, talking about films and books, talking about work, going out together, and she has been my role model of so many great qualities. I don't know what is making her unhappy and so angry these days, but it can't all be my fault for disappointing her.