really upset - grandparents ignoring ds

[outofpractice]

I am really really upset and I could not hide it from ds. My parents have now got a new grandchild and all of a sudden they don't have any time for ds, who was the first grandchild and they used to love so much. Mum keeps on extending her stay with my sister and won't tell me when she is going home, and yesterday she rang me and cancelled all the dates in June and July when they had both promised to visit my ds at our house and for ds to go and stay with them. They said that I can get a babysitter and did not understand when I said that of course I could afford a babysitter or cancel what I was supposed to be doing, but what I had wanted was for my ds to spend time with his grandparents again. My married sister was very bitchy to me because my exp left when I was pregnant and she told me I was a failure and told me it was wrong to have a baby alone, so there is a lot of sibling rivalry on both sides lying behind this.

what my dp used to suggest was rather than trying so hard, i get out and do things and when she called then I@D be unavailable so she'd realise herself that she was missing out on dd! Very hard though! Do keep your chin up, you sound like a lovely person and wonderful mum and hopefully your parents will wake up soon and realise that

I appologise if I say something you have already discussed but have not had enough time to read all the tread... My sister have two children that have been the kings of the family for years as the only grand children in both families. And now... I have got a baby, and everytime dm comes to visit and the baby does something she says that the other gs or gd also do that and far more, so most of the visits are spent talking about how wonderful are my nephews...I was starting to get irritated because of this when my sister told me that she was tired of my mother speaking all the time about my baby at her house...

My inlaws live in Spain but visit England 2 or 3 times a year usually to stay with relatives (we don't have room). My husband is only child and we have 2 kids (10 and 7)- obviously their only grandchildren. However, when they do visit us they sit watching tv or reading anything they can get their hands on and absolutely no time is spent with the children. I don't think they have ever taken them out for the day/to the park/to the shops to buy sweets/cinema or anywhere for that matter. When they leave though they present them with £5 or £10 each. Not long ago, the day before they were going back home I picked my kids up from school and said nanny and grandad were here. My daughter tutted and expressed displeasure and my son retorted "Don't be sad, at least we'll get some cash!!!" My husband and I have discussed their apparent lack of interest in the children but given that the kids no longer want to spend time with their grandparents, there's not a lot we can say to them. My daughter was very close to my mum (both parents are now dead) so at least she remembers what it was like to have a loving grandparent.

Noia, your story is funny, and made me think. Your dm sounds a bit like my dm - cares very much but sometimes insensitive. We have been getting on much better after discussing with her how she was upsetting me. jampot, I am sorry to hear about your inlaws. My parents are finding it harder to take ds out and about as they get older, but they are always ready to read stories or lie down to rest and watch him play, chatting to him. Can't you plan some family activities, eg daytrip, to encourage them to get involved?

Have tried but to no avail. Quite often when they're here I invite them over for tea/dinner/bbq (in summer obviously) they usually decline. None of us are really that bothered anymore and my kids make a joke out of it (which I know is really naughty). In fact my dd asked nanny to play chess a few months ago and when nanny said "i can't play chess" my dd offered to teach her!!! No getting out of that one!! This is probably the worst thing to say and I really would not want to upset anyone but my dh is adopted and last year we "found" his birth mum who by some strange coincidence is nothing like his mum. She plays with the kids and sends them cards etc. Dh's parents don't know about his birth mum as it would upset them (we think). I'm glad your parents are spending more time with your ds. How are things between you and your sis now?

outofpractice - I've only just caught this thread but something in one of your earlier posts really stood out for me. You said that your mum had put on a lot of weight, was always tired, had headaches, and is like a different person? I could be way off beam but this sounded so much like my own mother. She has no other grandchildren but became hypercritical of me and dh, and eventually downright nasty. Like you I'd always got on really well with her and couldn't understand the nastiness. The family couldn't see the change but others could. We had a big row and she refused to speak to us for a couple of years. She had been suffering from similar physical symptoms to your mum and had recently been diagnosed with thyroid problems. We later discovered that the nastiness and the headaches etc were all symptoms of the thyroid problem. As I said I could be wrong but this sounded so much like your story that it made me wonder.

coppertop and jampot, thanks for following up. Dm is seeing doctors, but so far thank God it is nothing serious or unusual. I have started to realize, though, that they are both getting older and genuinely lack stamina which they had a few years ago. We had a lovely time recently together because I just planned in lots of rest times for them and made sure that they were not rushing around all weekend. I think dm was upset because they thought that when my sis had a baby we would suddenly become close, but, as time goes by, and her dd gets older, she is starting to appreciate what I did, and to respect me again. This new respect from dsis has made it possible for me to contact her a few times, and have a few small talky discussions. I also feel less jealous because the new baby novelty is starting to wear off for my parents, and they are remembering how much they love my ds, who is old enough to give a lot of love back to them when they visit in words and cuddles. So, we are currently going through happy harmony! We should enjoy it while it lasts! I had an interesting chat to a friend's mother at a children's birthday party, and was reassured at just how many mothers and daughters are always rowing and making up again!

Not much help I'm afraid, but just to let you know we are in exactly the same position

DH's parents (both divorced and remarried) have never shown much interest in our 3 wonderful children. They never ring to ask after them, and when we ring them they never enquire about them (they don't live locally).

What has upset the applecart now is that they have both not bothered with DD1 birthday (which was 4 weeks ago) and DD2 birthday (2 weeks ago). They didn't even bother sending a card down or phone call to wish Happy Birthday.

I am SOOO ANGRY at the moment - DH has in the past received letters from his mother saying that she didn't "need" him or his family - his sister and children were all she needed.

I feel desperately sad for my children that their own paternal Grandparents can't be aed with them anymore - but also feel sadness for my DH who must feel like s seeing his children being treated in this way by his own parents. I try not to keep bringing the subject up as it does upset him - and I carry on boiling with rage . I have to say though I have started feeling along the lines that my children are too good for them and they don't deserve such delightful grandchildren anyway.

Sorry not able to give constructive help/advice.

At the moment

Slinky that must be sooo upsetting for you and your family!

Don't know whether this is relevant but when I was young my mum used to get upset about my granny (her mil) always talking about my cousins and how great they were. As I grew older it started to bother me quite a bit too. My cousins live overseas so we didn't see them that much.

When I was about 16 my cousin (19) was staying on a visit and one night we had one of those teenage girl heart-to-hearts and she got really upset about not seeing Granny all that much and was crying and just ended up saying "and when I do see her she just talks about how wonderful you are". I think after we talked we felt a lot better. Would have saved a lot of heartache if my gran hadn't been like that in the first place tho!