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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Peeked and am sorry I did.

92 replies

Kally · 26/08/2009 16:41

I have posted on here before regarding my odd relationship with a lovely guy that I met two and half years ago.
Quick run down: He lives 2 hours train ride away. Has been in and out of jobs trying to make ends meet. Has a young son from previous marriage. Is now working but not in a highly paid job, highly demanding though, must be fair. we get to see each other about twice a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We talk everyday, even if it's a quick hello, I love you.. type thing.
I never go to his as he lives in a shared house now due to downsizing and trying to manage on his downward spiraling income. That doesn't bother me at all. I am not a rich person and have a child of my own to support, so sometimes we're both brassic.
I got him a cell phone on contract. He (when he's got it) puts the money in my account. (He has bad credit).
I got the bill to my address and opened it thinking it was a guarantee thing I had cancelled and since it was in my name didn't realise it was his bill.
Yes, I looked. (I know you are all raising eyebrows now) and I admit my heart thumped when I realised I was being nosey but couldn't resist. There are numbers dialled to australia and a the same number over and over again three and four times a day, late at night and talking, texting for hours sometimes. I felt awful but as I had been poking couldn't say anything and 'hid the bill'. Then the next bill came and so on and so forth.
It looks odd because these perpetual numbers are spasmodic. Nothing (except for one particular number, which is constant all month except for when he is with me)???

He's never mentioned australia... not even 'I've got a friend there or whatever...'

Now he says he has to go to scotland for a week and it's out of the blue... everything seems odd. I suddenly felt as if I am one of many lady friends he has, to whom he perhaps vanishes now and then. he came once to me with an overpacked suitcase as if he as going to stay for a week, but left the next day saying he had to get back to his little boy.

I must admit, it seems as if I would be easy meat as far as being diddled is concerned. I'm quite laid back and don't expect people to be liars and deceivers.

We have fallen out before now, about being let down all of a sudden when he has been due to come and cancelled (last week) for a migraine , but if I try to finish things and get stroppy he is distraught and always manages to cool things down. He, in himself, is a very lovely person, humble, gentle, never gets angry and grouchy, appreciative... but it just seems weird and I can't say anything about these bills now, and I feel so sneaky. But never having been to his or seeing 'his lot' has made me super sensitive and itchy to know about what lies behind the man. It's very hard for me to manage and I feel now (after the bills) theres more to him than meets the eye. What shall I do? I might be wrong. How can I know. I can't come clean about the bills...

It's an odd relationship, and until now I have been content with this and taken his word for it that theres not much to him... he has brought his little boy to ours before, so no wifey on the scene or anything. I feel awful about it all and want to just end it, so I am out of the equation and not stressing about it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/08/2009 17:58

oh, kally

if this is what you want, then I hope the hurt fades quickly

he did sound a nice guy, no doubt about it, but if you were feeling bad about the relationship then you were right to end it

people change, they start off in a certain way with something that works at the time, then it stops working

there isn't always fault to be laid

look after yourself

Kally · 27/08/2009 17:59

Thanks. Well he was sighing a lot. when I said we both deserve someone closer to both of us he automatically thought that I had someone lined up (which isn't the case) and his focus moved to that and he got a bit short and stroppy, but then I insisted that it wasn't that and all we were doing to each other was blocking the chance to be happy with the skeletal way things were.
It seems he thinks it's ok with the way things are. He apologised for things, started to try and prove points that he is serious, but I stopped him as I don't think it fair to make him meemaw when I have made the decision. I told him that it's best this way. We can both get over the pain and find a situation with someones who can be there, for both of us. He deserves it, and so do I.
If he is strictly kosher and theres nothing going on, well even so, he's a lovely young man and should be able to see his 'other half' without all the hassle we have (same for me). The LDR for you. Oh boy... have I learned from this. Ouch.
He was surprised yes, but since we'd recently grouched about him not coming down previously he thought my discontent was carried through from that. I explained that it was only part of... So... that's that. I didn't mention the phone business. and I won't open any more of his bills as they come, no to do the dirty anymore . I'll just burn em.

OP posts:
LesbianMummy1 · 27/08/2009 18:15

sounds like someone I know does his first name begin with I and sons name begin with C

Kally · 27/08/2009 18:17

No Les,...

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 27/08/2009 18:19

LesbianMummy - I had a thought I knew him too.

LesbianMummy1 · 27/08/2009 18:22

phew glad it's not hope you get to the bottom of it all keep an eye on those phone bills just to be on the safe side as you don't want any nasty surprises if you get back together explain all your concerns before you commit again if not use this as a learning curve and remember you will come out of this a stronger person sorry you are in such a hard place

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2009 19:08

Oh well done. Not only did you decide that it wasn;t working for you, and therefore it was time to let go, but you did so with so much dignity and no blame. Sometimes relationships, whether casual or committed, just have a particular lifespan and reach a point where they are not working and should be amicably put an end to and there is nothing wrong with that at all. And nothing more likely to spoil the good memories of a relationship that previously functioned just fine than one partner trying desperately to cling on tighter as the other tries to disengage.

Kally · 27/08/2009 19:53

I don't see myself going back after this. Although I am sad, I am glad I have decided to change things for myself. You can drift on forever in something so 'drifty'. But it isn't fulfilling. You try to depth sound things and realise that you can't. there is no depth, no ral insight and sharing. Anyway... Pick myself up and dust off, as they say.
I feel quite good about my decision. Altho my heart aches. my bedroom always smells of his aftershave so I have ditched it and bunged all his stuff in a plastic bag, opened the window... sprayed a cheap avon one all over the place.. put his massive great shoes and flipflops in a box out of site. and I am thinking about things I liked less about him (the fact that he didn't like my cat) the fact that he left those lip salves everywhere (addicted to it) they are all binned. But I can't think of any more things... perhaps I should get those bills out and get my hackles up again!!! it's better than being .

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 27/08/2009 22:00

do it - look at the bills

ohjustgrowup · 27/08/2009 22:02

Those are incredibly positive things to do, Kally. I think you're going to be just fine

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2009 23:20

Erm: you are going to tell him to sort his own phone out, aren't you? Because you really don't want 2 b stick with it

AbricotsSecs · 27/08/2009 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foofi · 28/08/2009 08:13

Kally - I have been thinking about you overnight and it really worries me - I have read your threads before but not posted I don't think. Earlier in this thread you said "we adore each other" and "He's supportive, cares...always sweet and makes me feel very good in this relationship", yet on the basis of a few opinionated views on here from people who don't actually know you or him, you have dumped him, but not even told him why.

Even if the texts meant the worst, you could work through that if you wanted to. Provided he doesn't actually have a wife back at home, which you clearly don't think he does, the fact that you haven't been there wouldn't matter either. Either way, I think you should have resolved these things with him before ending it.

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and I hope things get better.

YeahBut · 28/08/2009 08:21

I hope you cancel the phone contract now.
If you're not in a relationship with him, he has no reason to stick to your agreement and you'd get left with the bill.

Kally · 28/08/2009 11:17

I am not worried that he won't pay the bill. He has always paid until now (or reimbursed me if he didn't have it on the day). He has emailed me wishing me well and says he needs time to get through this.

I did send him an email to further detail the things I was troubled by. I didn't mention the phone business. I did say that our relationship was one sided and that to enrich and progress things have to be shared.

I was thinking too, he has to go to hospital for a small op soon, one that will leave him sore and incapacitated for a few days. Any normal relationship: he could recouperate at mine, or I take a few days off and go help him... but because our relationship is soley at mine, this is out of the equation. So what? we only love each other when we are healthy and fine and up for it? No... the scales have tipped and to be honest - love him as I do - at 52 I know this is not enough to solidify us, not the way it is now. I have examined it, thought after thought... I am a thoughtful person, I do think things through a lot before I move on something. But after talking to him months ago about this - he must have taken it on board - and has done nothing about it. Never said 'come up here for the weekend' or 'come meet my...' I'm just nothing but a getaway island. He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't care if he lived in a cardboard box... he knows that well enough. Yet still... strictly one sided. He knows it's the bone of contention. I have now stated that the relationship is out of balance due to...
I'll get stronger. I am not afraid of getting over this. I have a full life, I work, I have my hobbies and I don't slip and get depressed. He's something that doesn't want to be had. And I have spent a long time giving him trust and support and still the situation is the same.
Ok, foofi, thank you for your thoughts, and that initially, was how I was thinking 'not to be sporadic and impetuous with this'. But I have done nothing wrong to him ever, I am completely 100% with myself regarding him. It is he who should be thinking and weighing. He should examine and reason - Thankyou for your thoughts tho.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/08/2009 16:49

kally, will you be my friend ?

how lovely you sound

Kally · 28/08/2009 18:15

Thanks AnyFkr I'll be your friend of course!

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